“I’m not sensible,” I said. “I’m scared.”
“The Liv I know is smart, practical—she doesn’t act on emotion like this.”
“I know, but maybe that’s not me,” I said. “That’s who took over when my parents divorced. I needed to protect myself then, but when it was time to move past that, I couldn’t.” I watched him pace back and forth. “I’m sorry you got that version of me, the one who couldn’t love you like you deserved.”
“I feel more confused now than I did all last month,” he said. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
“I think one day you’ll look back, and you’ll thank me for this.”
He whirled to face me. “Thank you? Thank you for the fuck what?”
That’d sounded right in my head, but hearing it aloud, it’d been the wrong thing to say. I didn’t respond.
“Look, maybe we need to take a break,” Bill said. “Cool off for a couple weeks or something, I don’t know. Didn’t you say that Davena and Mack did that once? You idolized Davena before she passed away, even more than your own mother. Look how in love they were, more than anyone we know, yet even they needed a break.”
I nodded. “Yes, but—”
“I can get on board with a break, all right?” he said. “They’re busting my ass at work right now. I can focus on that while you sort everything out.”
David’s face flashed across my mind—I wanted to get back to him. But Bill’s willingness to try to change forced me to admit the truth. I wasn’t just leaving this marriage for David—I was doing it for myself. To get back to the girl I’d been before I’d had my heart broken by my parents’ split. “No.”
“No?” Bill asked. “What then?”
“Nothing,” I said.
“There can’t be nothing I can do,” he said. “There has to be a solution here.”
I glanced at my duffel bag by the doorway. “I’m leaving you, Bill. Tonight.”
He stopped and looked at me. “There’s no way this can be it. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“I know it doesn’t to you, and I doubt it ever will,” I said. “But I’m leaving.”
“Leaving, huh?” He let out a sinister laugh. “You keep saying that. Why can’t you just call it what it is?”
“Meaning?” I asked.
“I want you to tell me what you are doing to this marriage.”
I shifted from one foot to the other as his intention became clear. “I did tell you.”
“No—you know what I’m asking,” he said.
My heart jumped. My nails bit into my palms as I made two fists. He wanted me to recognize that in the end, I was the reason we were facing the one thing I’d spent my life hiding from. “Divorce,” I said.
“This is a joke,” he said. “David Dylan? Really? You’re living in a fantasy, Liv.”
“I don’t really know how this works,” I said with a deep breath, ignoring his baiting and trying to move the conversation forward. “But we can talk more when you’ve had time to process this.”
His chin quivered, and at even the threat of his tears, my heart broke a little. I pressed my lips together to collect myself.
“Look at you,” Bill said. “You can’t even cry over this, the end of your marriage.”
I was all cried out. But my tears had been for David when I’d thought I’d never have him or the kind of life where I’d be able to love freely—and even the night before, when he’d almost left me on this very kitchen floor. Bill was right. For some reason, I was rarely able to cry for him, in his presence, like he wanted. I couldn’t explain that, so I only blinked at him, scared that he might actually cry.
“Where are you going now?” he asked.
“Gretchen’s.”
He gave a terse laugh. “Figures.”
“She cares about you, too, but she’s my oldest friend.”
He rolled his eyes. “So you’re just going to stay on her couch? Then what?”
“I don’t know,” I said, furrowing my brows. The last twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind, and I’d only planned as far as staying with Gretchen for the night.
He sighed heavily. “Stay here tonight. Let’s work this out.”
I thought of David, awaiting my call, pissed that he couldn’t be here. And of Gretchen, likely freezing downstairs on a cold November night. And then I thought of staying the night here with Bill and how, actually, no part of me wanted to. “I should go,” I said gently. “We can talk more later.”
He shook his head at the floor. “Maybe by then you’ll realize.” He paused and swallowed audibly. “Get this . . . thing out of your system. We’ll talk in a few days.”
I flinched at the word thing but nodded, then lifted my left hand up to my face and studied it. Bill’s grandma’s ring was beautiful, but I’d never quite felt a connection to it. I looked on it with appreciation and respect, but it didn’t make my heart spill over. It’d always felt strange, not forming an emotional attachment to my wedding ring. I touched it reverently before I twisted it off my finger and held it out to him.
Bill looked between the ring and my face so quickly that my heart dropped. “You’re giving me back your ring?” His voice dropped, eerily low and calm. His face reddened, and he stalked toward me. “You’re giving me back your goddamn ring?”
I backed away, tripping over a dining chair and dropping the ring. “It—it’s your grandmother’s—”
In one quick motion, he overturned the kitchen table so it crashed against the floor. I yelped as he punched a hole in the wall.
“Get out,” he snapped.
Unable to make my feet move, I said, “I thought you’d—”
“I said . . .” He stormed over to the door, grabbed my duffel bag and tossed it out into the hallway. “Get. Out.”
Without a word, I watched his hands twitch and flex as I slunk by him. The door slammed after me. I bent down gingerly and picked up the bag while locks bolted on the other side of the door.
I looked around at the place that was suddenly, somehow, no longer my home. I focused on circulating cold air through my lungs as I made my way downstairs and to the street, rattled by the way calm, easygoing Bill had suddenly exploded.
I glanced down at my hand, different without the ring that had barely left my finger in five years. Not right or wrong, just different. Final.
I found Gretchen pacing on the sidewalk. “Hey,” I croaked, my voice catching.
“Shit,” she said, whirling around and hurrying over to me. “I almost came up there to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, honey, you’re not fine,” she said, pulling me close.
“No,” I stated. “I’m not. But maybe I will be.” Hurting Bill was gut-wrenchingly awful. Something had given me the strength to do it, though. That something was David’s confidence in us, his bolstering love for me, and the promise of moving into new territory with him. I found strength in the idea that now, David would show me what his version of home meant.
Gretchen put an arm around me, and we began to walk toward the train. “How’d it go?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “How are these things supposed to go?”
She shrugged. “No clue. Did he cry?”
“Almost. I gave him back the ring.”
I caught her grimace.
“I don’t feel right keeping it,” I said defensively.
“Yes, but . . . maybe it’s a little soon for that.”
“Soon?” I asked. “What do you mean? Soon, like, David might change his mind?”
“Uh, no. I mean soon, like, Bill is probably really upset right now and giving back the ring might’ve been a little insensitive.”
“Oh.” My face flushed, but I nodded. “I should warn you,” I said, “Bill isn’t really happy with you, which is completely unfair. He might think you’re involved somehow.”
Her eyebrows knit, but her arm tightened around me as we walke
d. “I don’t care,” she said finally. “Maybe one day, we can all be friends again, but for now, I just want to be there for you.”
“Thanks,” I said but frowned. Our threesome was incomplete without Lucy, and remembering her disappointment in me stung anew. “I wish Lucy was here.”
“I know,” Gretchen said, squeezing me to her. “She’ll come around, don’t worry.”
* * *
I wasn’t sure how, but Gretchen had arranged for us to have her apartment to ourselves for the night. Her two roommates, Bethany and Ava, were gone, and I was thankful for some peace and quiet.
“I have champagne and leftover cake if we’re celebrating,” Gretchen announced, “or ice cream pints and beer in case you feel like wallowing. Movie choices are The Break-Up, The Notebook, or Kill Bill.”
My mouth fell open as I stifled a laugh. “Kill Bill?” I asked. “Gretch. That’s awful.”
“I know.” Her eyes twinkled. “I couldn’t resist.”
“I think I might like to do a little of both,” I said. “Celebrating and wallowing.”
“I can make that work,” she decided, disappearing into the kitchen.
I curled onto her couch, pulled a throw over myself, and rubbed my sore eyes. I needed to call David. Gretchen’s company was nice, but I couldn’t help wanting to see him now that it was allowed. I’d told him I’d need some space after my talk with Bill—after all of this, even—but now I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to be held by him, to let him comfort me, to finally kiss him without nagging, ever-present guilt. I wondered if it would automatically be gone and what that would feel like.
But it was logical to take a night and process my feelings over what had just happened. I shot David a quick text to tell him it was done and that I’d arrived safely at Gretchen’s. I promised I’d call him in the morning before work, then shut down my phone for the night.
Gretchen floated into the room with a plateful of cake and chocolate chip cookies. On her next round, she juggled two pints and a large bowl of popcorn.
“Oh my God,” I said with widened eyes. “This is heaven.” I hadn’t eaten the fajitas after all, and I’d expelled anything in my stomach while waiting for Bill. I realized that anxiety had kept me from eating much the past twenty-four hours, and I was suddenly starving. Lastly, she brought out two beers and two glasses of champagne.
“Your feast, m’lady,” she said, tossing a piece of popcorn in the air and catching it in her mouth. “Have at it.”
We vetoed all chick flicks in favor of Caddyshack, one of our childhood favorites. The days to come would be hard, and I didn’t think I had any right to be laughing, but for the rest of the night, I only wanted to get lost in distraction. As soon as Rodney Dangerfield had been declared a menace, a knock came on Gretchen’s front door.
“Are you expecting someone?” I asked.
She shot me an uncomfortable look and shook her head. “Could it be Bill?”
I sat up as Gretchen left to get the door. But as soon as she reappeared with a smile, my heart lifted knowing what she’d say.
“It’s David,” she said, confirming my suspicion. “And he’s being rather persistent about seeing you.”
“He has a habit of persistence,” I said, trying to suppress a smile. Giddiness worked its way through me at the thought of seeing him. I stood immediately and walked toward the door before pausing. “Wait. Is this okay with you? I don’t want to ruin our night.”
“It won’t ruin our night,” she said, tilting her head. “But are you ready to see him?”
“I am,” I said and surprised her with a big hug. “I love you.”
“I think I like this version of Olivia with David,” she teased, smacking me on the behind.
I opened the front door and met David’s wall of a body as he leaned on the doorjamb with outstretched arms. Even the sight of him in a hoodie and jeans stole my breath, but it was the intensity in his light brown eyes that swirled desire in my lower tummy. His black hair was wild in a non-purposeful way, as though he’d been running his hands through it. “I tried to call,” he said.
Unable to gauge his mood, I bit my bottom lip. “I . . . I turned off my phone.”
“Tell me it’s over.”
“I did,” I said. “I texted you—”
“I want to hear you say it.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d encountered this determined, edgy version of David with features as sharp as a knife. The one who took what he wanted, and by the way he wet his lips—I was the what.
“It’s over,” I said breathlessly.
David dropped his arms and scooped me up by my waist, hugging me against his long body. Underneath me, his chest heaved with relief. One hand slid up my back and grasped the nape of my neck. “I’ve been so worried,” he murmured before his lips landed on mine. His warm, mint-flavored mouth invited me in, our heads tilting in opposite directions to get even closer.
I melted into him as my arms found their way around his neck, and I claimed my reward for everything I’d been through—not just that day, but for months and months. I kissed David freely, joyfully, and with less of the guilt I’d grown accustomed to.
When we parted, I smiled at him and sifted his silky dark hair through my hands. “It’s over, David,” I whispered. “Over.”
His forehead rested against mine. “You have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that.”
I giggled softly and wrapped my legs around him, aligning my crotch with his erection. “Actually, I do.”
“You can’t expect me not to get a hard-on the second I see you,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about taking you again since I left your apartment last night.”
I blushed. “Well, can you wait a little longer?”
He inhaled through his nose and squeezed me tightly. “No,” he said but patted my ass to get me to unhook my legs before setting me on my feet. “How did it go with Bill? What happened?”
“It was hard. Very, very hard.” I rubbed my forehead. “I was nervous.”
David crossed his arms over his chest, back in serious mode. “How’d he react?”
“He was confused. I don’t know if he believes it’s really over.”
“Confused,” David muttered, looking away. After a moment, his eyes returned to mine and narrowed. “Angry?”
“More sad, I think. He got upset when I gave him the ring back.”
“Upset how? Did he touch you?” The words rushed out as though he’d been holding in the question all day. He took my wrist and pushed up my sleeve, running his hands over my skin while keeping his eyes on me.
“No,” I said. “He flipped over a table and put a pretty decent hole in the wall, but other than that, no damage done.”
“Jesus Christ, Olivia.” David frowned. “That’s why I wanted to be there. The thought of you alone with him in that state makes me crazy.”
“We were together a long time,” I reassured David. “I know he’d never hurt me.”
“You can’t know how anyone will react in a situation like this. You just ripped the carpet out from under him.”
“I’m aware.” Why was David bringing this up again? The deed was done. I took my arm back. “We had this conversation last night.”
“Bill could fly off the handle,” David explained. “He could’ve hurt you, and there would’ve been nobody there. In the future, don’t expect to get away with that.”
I gaped at him. “Get away with what?”
“With telling me how to protect you. How to love you. How to keep you safe.”
I teetered between frustration and swooning over his overprotectiveness, but before I could respond, he took my left hand and ran his thumb over the tender place where my wedding ring had been. “I have to say, though—this makes me very happy.” David bent his head, kissed the empty spot, and raised his eyes to mine as he rumbled, “Very happy.”
My insides quickened as my heart melted. With his lips still on my hand, I warned, “It’s going
to take a while for me to be okay.”
“I know, baby.” He dropped my hand and pulled me back into his all-encompassing embrace. “But I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.”
I didn’t know how to feel. The only other person who made me feel that secure was my dad, and I didn’t see much of him anymore. Bill was there for me the best he knew how, but it didn’t always feel as if he was on my side.
David, on the other hand, stood next to me, in front of me, and behind me. “Thank you,” I whispered up at him.
“Sure I can’t convince you to come home with me right now?”
Tempting though it was, it didn’t feel right to jump from Bill’s place to David’s. And I needed a break to regroup. I placed my hands on his chest. “I’m sure. Let’s start with breakfast Saturday morning.”
“Today is Thursday,” he said, his eyebrows low. “I thought the deal was you stay here tonight only.”
“I don’t think we had a deal.” My heart fluttered with more anxiety than excitement as I added, “In fact, we have absolutely no plan.”
“You might not, but, baby, I have plans for you.” His gaze dropped to my mouth. “And I’d like to get started on those plans immediately.”
Oh, God. I couldn’t begin to imagine what a night with David would look like now that nothing stood in our way. I bit my bottom lip so hard, I almost whimpered. Despite the fact that I loved the sound of finding out his plans immediately, I needed to hold on to some sense. “I just need a day or two to sort through everything,” I said.
He moved his hips against me in a leisurely thrust, and the hard-on I’d felt before was considerably . . . harder. “I can’t wait that long,” he said.
“David,” I said, laughing in disbelief, “we’re obviously not very good at restraint, but I think you can wait an additional night.”
“If that’s what you think, then you don’t know me,” he stated.
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