I fidgeted with a pen on my desk and said gently, “I wouldn’t have let things get this far if I hadn’t thought long and hard already.”
“Babe, take a step back and look at the facts here,” he said, growing animated. “This guy is using you. He’ll get bored and dump you like the others. You were a challenge, and it won’t take long for that to wear off. For him, it’s just a conquest. It’s . . .” He paused and cleared his throat. “It’s just sex,” he finished.
I shook my head. I’d beat back those same fears too many times to have Bill come in here and revive them. “You don’t know him.”
“I asked around, Livs. I don’t trust him and neither does Andrew. He screws models, never been married, wealthy, charming, all-around player. I don’t know why he bought the house we wanted, maybe to show off, maybe because he gets off on it.”
I sighed. “Hang on.”
This was going to take a while, and I owed Bill the time he needed to work through this. I picked up my phone to shoot David a quick text.
Me: Can’t make lunch. Something came up. Explain later.
“Look, this is hard for all of us,” I said, switching my phone to silent. “Don’t make it worse. What you’re saying about David is conjecture. Gossip. You don’t know him,” I repeated.
“I obviously care about you, and I don’t want to see you get hurt,” Bill said. “But what happens when, six months down the line, he leaves and you’re all alone? I’m not going to be there, babe. I won’t wait for you.”
I looked down at my hands. For the first time since all this began, Bill seemed calm and rational. Not only that, but his words made sense. David had a track record. He wasn’t hiding it, but I suspected I hadn’t even scratched the surface of his past. He’d explained his relationship with Maria. But it occurred to me that David had admitted to me he’d never been in love.
“I didn’t love her or any of them,” he’d said on Saturday night.
Who’d come before Maria? Had he thought he was in love with them at some point and then changed his mind?
I looked back up at Bill. In spite of everything I’d put him through that weekend alone, he met my eyes with warmth—for maybe the first time in months, actually. Even though Bill hadn’t always been there in the ways I’d needed him to be, he’d always wanted me to be happy. He loved me as much as I’d let him.
David was rarely challenged when it came to women. For me, he’d had to work, probably harder than he ever had. If he were to pick up and leave, as Bill was convinced he would, it would cripple me. But what would it be like for David? And had he done that to others before?
Bill lived in a world of facts and order—he was logical. Wasn’t that who I was, too? There was a chance David only wanted what he couldn’t have. Even I had accused him of that. He could easily grow bored with the day-to-day of a relationship.
“Look at what you’re giving up for him.” Bill’s quiet voice cut into my thoughts. “Our love. Our future. Our home. Our past. And what has he given up for you?” he asked, suddenly astute, suddenly paying attention in a way he’d never really been.
“I can’t explain what I have with David,” I told Bill, “and I don’t want to try. What you need is someone who wants what you want, and who can love you in a way I’m not capable of. I never let you in, you told me so yourself.”
“It takes work.” He sat back. “Maybe this marriage would benefit from both of us working harder.”
“I never let you in,” I repeated, “and you liked it that way. You didn’t want to deal with my shit.”
“That’s not true, babe,” he insisted. “But if that’s what you need, I will change. I will be better. I will ask questions like you said you wanted me to. We’ll get there, Livs, I know we will.”
I was already there with David. I couldn’t tell Bill that without cutting him deeper, so I took a breath and looked him in the eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get there,” I admitted, and in my head, I added, with you.
“You don’t know that. Look how far we’ve come since we met. We’re different people, better people.”
I cocked my head at him. Were we better people? Didn’t he ever feel me pulling away? Hadn’t I treated him awfully these past months as I recessed into my own depths? Did he mean it, or was he grasping at straws now?
And there was something that had never changed between us, and I didn’t think ever would. “Children,” I said.
He looked surprised. “Children?”
“Yes. You want them, I don’t. Could you be happy if we never had them?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I know you think you don’t want—”
“It’s not that,” I said for the millionth time. “I—”
“Wait. I know you think you don’t want them, but you will,” he said. “Some women don’t get the urge for a few more years. I’ve always trusted in what we’re doing here. All I ask is, if I agree to put it off, that you’ll admit there’s some part of you that wants it, too.”
“Stop telling me what I want,” I muttered, resting my forehead in my hands.
I don’t want children. With you. I don’t want children with you . . . but do I want them with David? Do I want them at all?
The rashness of my decision to uproot my life began to weigh on me. David and I had not discussed children ever, because what other couple would a weekend into their relationship?
It was far too heavy of an idea to lay into, so for now, I pushed it aside. I needed to get my point across to Bill. I raised my head again. “I don’t think I want children at all, Bill. With anyone.”
He scoffed. “How can you say that? You’re a woman.”
“Not all women want children.”
“David doesn’t want them?” he asked skeptically.
I looked at the desk.
He emitted something between a laugh and a grunt. “You don’t even know. Liv, honey, what are you doing?” he implored. “You left me for another man, and you haven’t even discussed the future? Does he say he wants to marry you?”
My eyes jumped to his. “It’s too soon for that.”
“Too soon? You walked out on me for him.” He leaned on his elbows and clasped his hands between his knees. “Let’s say he’s actually serious about you. What happens when he decides he’s ready for a family? You going to run away from him, too? Or will you give him what he wants?”
My chest tightened. I didn’t want to think about that. “Forget him,” I said. “This is about you and me. I know you want to believe things were fine, but they weren’t. Our problems ran deeper than David, and . . .”
“And?”
I thought back to what Jessa had said about her marriage at the park. That it wouldn’t have lasted, even without her husband cheating on her. “You and I probably would’ve divorced eventually,” I told him. “Isn’t sooner better than later?”
He gaped at me. “You know, I’m actually beginning to feel bad for David. Maybe you’re the one who’s going to string him along and then dump his ass when he wants more from you.” Bill shook his head. “I wonder if he realizes just how cold and heartless you really are. Over the years, I’ve seen glimpses of how deep it runs. You can’t even find empathy for your own mom, your family. And you tell me you want a divorce without shedding even one tear. I thought it was just a part of you, but this moment I see—that’s you to the core.”
I flinched. The words stung. If it made him feel better to say so, though, I would take it. Still, I clung to David’s words in the bathtub the night before and disagreed quietly. “He doesn’t think those things about me.”
“How could he?” Bill rolled his eyes. “He’s known you all of two seconds.”
I realized I was pulling on my earlobe, a sure sign of my discomfort. It reminded me of how David always noticed when I did that—the only person who’d ever wondered about it. “He knows me better than anyone.”
Bill started to chuckle, then stopped, blinking at me. With a low whistl
e, he said, “Wow. Brainwashed after a weekend. I might be impressed actually.”
I folded my arms on my desk. “I know it sounds ridiculous, and I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Try me,” he said. “What makes you think he knows you better?”
“I can be myself with him. He anticipates my feelings, and when he doesn’t know, he asks. He asks me about myself.”
“I said I’d ask questions. What do you want me to ask? Better yet, why don’t you just tell me so I don’t have to ask? You’re the one who clams up, and I’m being punished for it.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “You’re right. I admit that I should have done things differently from the start.”
“It’s not too late. We can start with the scar.” He glanced at my desk as if trying to see through it. “You can tell me everything.”
“The scar,” I said. He already knew the details because he’d discussed it with my mother behind my back. “That reminds me—you told my mom about David before I could. You called her,” I accused.
“Because I’m at a loss for what to do, and I’m worried about you.” He stood to pace in front of my desk. “I don’t know how to get through and show you that you’re making a mistake. Your mom knows about this stuff. She has experience.”
“She doesn’t have experience,” I shot back. “She’s lying. Dad never cheated on her. It was all in her head.”
He pursed his lips. “Me and your mom, we’re on your side. You’re the one who abandoned us. You ran out on her, and now you’re running out on me. But . . .” Bill rounded the desk and shocked me by dropping to his knees in front of my chair. He took my hands in his one good hand. “Please, Olivia. Don’t do this. I love you, and we can work this out. We’ll do counseling if you want, I don’t care. I love you,” he repeated. “I can change. I’ll ask questions. We can put off having a baby. We can get to know each other all over again.”
My mind went blank just trying to comprehend what was happening. When had Bill ever begged me for anything? I had no idea how to respond. But finally, he got what he wanted—tears flooded my eyes and fell onto our hands as I cried for us, in his presence, for the first time in a while.
“Listen,” he said softly. “Are you listening?”
I nodded because I was. This was a side of Bill I had never seen, and he had my attention.
He looked into me, his familiar brown eyes suddenly intense and lucid. “I don’t want you to get hurt. What is he giving up for you? He’s never been married because he doesn’t want to be. What makes you different? How do you know he doesn’t say the same things to the other girls? That’s what womanizers do, Liv. He gets off on using women and tossing them aside, and you were the ultimate conquest.”
Stop. The words made too much sense, and I couldn’t blame Bill for saying them. I’d thought them many times myself, beating them back—but with what? Truths or excuses so I have more time with David?
My breath caught in my chest, stuttering to get out. “Bill,” I pleaded. “Stop.”
“No. You wanted me to break through—that’s what I’m doing. He’s not good for you. Even Dani says David has no regard for women, and he treats them like trash.”
My mouth popped open at the mention of Danielle, Lucy’s sister. David’s ex. Had he treated her like trash? Hadn’t she called him a gentleman? “She’s making that up because he didn’t choose her,” I said, but I heard the wavering in my own voice. I’d never known Dani to be a liar.
Bill shook his head slowly. “I didn’t want to tell you, but she said . . .” He hesitated and looked away for a moment. When his gaze returned, his expression softened. “She said after he finally screwed her, she never heard from him again.”
My heart dropped. David had sworn to me that there’d been nothing more between them than a one-sided kiss at the masquerade ball. My mind flashed to that night. According to him, it was the last time they’d seen each other. And that night, he and I had fucked hard and fought harder. He’d cast me aside angrily, maybe thinking he’d never see me again. Perhaps finding comfort in Danielle.
And there was her pink hoodie in his car, physical evidence of their relationship. “That’s not . . . true,” I said, trying to hide my internal struggle.
Would Dani lie about that? Would Bill?
“Whether or not it’s true, it could’ve happened,” he said. “Think about how devastated you’ll be if you throw everything away for nothing.” He ran his hand over mine. “I’ll never leave you, babe,” he said as a tear ran down his cheek. “I’ve been by your side through all of this.”
I sniffled, and he winced as he straightened up and took my face. He leaned in, holding me still, until his lips touched mine.
And he kissed me.
13
In the middle of the workday, at my office, the husband I’d asked for a divorce kissed me.
It was a different kiss than I was used to from Bill—humble and affectionate until he deepened it. He moaned, opening my mouth with his tongue.
“Stop,” I said, pulling back suddenly and wiping my face. “No, I can’t.”
His eyes, pained either by my words or by his broken nose, darted over my face. “Think about what you’re doing,” he said seriously. “You’re throwing everything down the drain for a fling. He doesn’t love you. I do. He doesn’t want you as his wife. I do.” I watched as more tears fell from Bill’s pleading eyes. “Liv.”
David did want me. He loved me. I couldn’t lose sight of that. When he kissed me, fireworks lit up the world. But fireworks fizzled and faded, leaving nothing but smoky imprints in the sky that cleared before dawn. What would be left when David’s and my passion waned?
Would I be the one on my knees, asking Bill for a second chance? No. I couldn’t wrap my head around that. I wouldn’t let that happen, and neither would David. I shook my head and looked away.
After a moment, Bill dropped my hands and stood up. “You’re making a huge mistake,” he warned, wiping the corner of his eye. He backed away and left as abruptly as he’d appeared.
I got up, closed the door, and dropped my forehead against it.
“You’re making a huge mistake.”
Had David slept with Dani after the masquerade ball? And if so, could I blame him? I wasn’t sure that I had any right to—after all, I’d gone home with my husband. But David had definitely denied it, and that was not something I could forgive.
Before my mind could conjure up the image of David and Dani together as it had many times before, I inhaled a soothing breath, returned to my desk chair, and closed my eyes.
This wasn’t me—it was the bullshit jealousy I’d learned from my mother.
My gut told me David wouldn’t lie to me. I was mildly comforted until I began thinking about the other things Bill had said.
They were logical. They made sense. And I couldn’t ignore them.
The truth was, I’d acted rashly. Whenever it came to David, my decisions were made based on emotion. And there were reasons, long ago, that I’d decided I would never allow that. It always led to pain.
Now that David had caught me, how long would he hold me? What rule was there that because I’d left my husband for him, he had to love me forever? I knew, I’d always known, there are no guarantees in love. More often than not, irrational love ended in pain. I felt suddenly ill . . . I’d let myself fall so deep in so little time.
My parents had been in love at one point, and they hadn’t lasted. Greg and Gretchen had had that out of control, burning love in college, and then he’d walked away without looking back for years. And up until recently, I’d assumed Bill and I would be together forever. I didn’t remember feeling one way or another about it, but I never imagined things would end.
Doubts began to tug at me. My father and his ex-wife, Gina. Gretchen’s parents. David’s sister and her husband. Now, Bill and me. Was there no such thing as forever?
Was Bill justified to say I was throwing everything away?
I believed David—that he believed he loved me and wanted to be with me. But he was a man who’d been living the life of a bachelor for a long time. And that meant acting alone. It meant that he might cut and run if things didn’t go the way he wanted.
The thought of David leaving me now, after only a few days, had me mentally curling up into a ball—how bad would it get if he changed his mind about me in six months, a year, two years?
Lucy had called me strong in the restaurant when I’d told her about David, but she’d been wrong. I’d only pretended to be. My stomach lurched with the harsh realization that I’d held Bill at arm’s length because I was weak. The truth was, I wasn’t strong enough to withstand the pain of losing someone I loved. Or to handle my parents’ divorce. After all this time, I still couldn’t let it go. Because I was the weak one.
My instinct told me to flee. After a lifetime of hiding from these feelings, I knew this was the moment to get them under control—before they took me down. But for once, my emotions were unmanageable. If I tried to rein them in now, I’d fail.
I started when my office door opened, and David strode in. “What happened?” he asked.
“David,” I said, my mouth falling open as I stood. “Someone might see you here.”
“So what? Everyone’s at lunch, like you should be.” He took off his suit jacket and tossed it over the back of the chair where Bill had just been sitting. “What happened?” he repeated.
I groaned, dropping back into my seat as I put my head in my hands. “You saw him?”
“Saw who?”
I peeked up at him. “Bill . . . he was just here.”
“No, I didn’t fucking see him.” David took a step forward. “That’s why you canceled?”
“He needed to talk,” I explained. “And I’m sorry, but that’s going to keep happening, and you can’t get mad about it. He’s still technically my husband.”
David took a deep breath. “Get over here.”
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