I smiled as Alex yelled something from the other room.
“Ignore him, he’s gaming,” she explained, rolling her eyes.
“They’re close, aren’t they?” I asked. “David and Alex.”
“Thankfully, yes. Alex’s dad has a new family now, so they don’t see each other much.” She picked up her wine and glanced toward the door Alex had gone through. “Al looks up to David, even though I wish he was around more. He works a lot.”
I nodded. “David’s very passionate.”
She snorted. “He’s working on fucking Thanksgiving. But aside from that, he’s great with Alex. He’s completely devoted when he cares about something.”
“I’ve, um, noticed,” I said.
“Don’t let his work schedule deter you, though.”
“From what?” I asked.
“Once he slows down—and he’s already starting to since he met you—he’ll be a great father,” she said and waggled her eyebrows.
“Oh.”
Fuck. Shit.
It occurred to me for the first time that this whole children topic wouldn’t just affect David and me, but his family, too. Did his parents expect more grandkids? How would they feel if I never came around to the idea? I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to disappoint them.
Or David.
What did that mean for our future then? How far would I go to keep him, and, by extension, his wonderful family?
I cleared my throat. “I agree. So for the yams—”
“You’ve talked about it then?” Jessa asked. “Kids?”
My heart sank. I hadn’t even had this conversation with David yet, but it didn’t look like Jessa would let me off the hook. “Well, no, not really,” I said. “It hasn’t come up.”
She inclined her head. “It hasn’t?”
“No,” I admitted. “Do you, um, think that’s something David wants?”
“You should probably talk to him about that, not me.” Jessa came to sit down next to me. “But I guess I brought it up, so . . .” She leaned in conspiratorially. “I don’t think you need to worry. He hasn’t mentioned starting a family with you yet, but I’d be shocked if he wasn’t ready soon.”
Soon. Oh, God.
Bits and pieces of past conversations with Bill pelted me like little bullets.
“When?” I asked. “What’s soon to you?”
“I don’t know. Six months?”
I stared at Jessa and made no move that might give me away.
“I need more time,” I said.
“I’m ready now.”
I whirled from the sink to face Bill. “Now?”
I couldn’t believe I was already back in this place and with no clearer answers as to how to handle it.
Jessa laughed softly. “Aw, honey. Don’t look so nervous,” she said, rubbing my shoulder. “I know my brother can be a little stiff, but you’ve seen him with Alex. He’ll loosen up. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t give you. Really, don’t stress.”
Panic settled in my chest. “I . . .”
She stopped rubbing my shoulder. “Oh my God,” she said in a whisper. “Are you already pregnant?”
“No,” I exclaimed. “Oh my God. No.”
Her eyebrows knit. “Then what . . .?”
It wasn’t something I’d really planned to discuss yet, not even with David. But Jessa looked so concerned. And in a way, although I knew it wasn’t possible, she felt like a neutral party. With a kid of her own, and a divorce under her belt, she might even have advice in this area.
I waited until I had resumed air intake. “Bill wanted children,” I said. “I didn’t. It was a very contentious topic.”
“Oh. I . . .” She exhaled as realization dawned. “Are you saying you still don’t want them? Even with David?”
“I—I don’t know, Jessa.” I put my head in my hands. “I’ve barely had time to think about it—everything has been such a whirlwind. It seems too early to even bring it up.” I peeked up at her. Her eyes glued to me, but she wore no expression, which I guessed was better than judgment or horror. “Did you have doubts before you had Alex?”
She shook her head. “No, sorry. I always knew I wanted kids, and if I ever marry again, I’ll have more.”
“Oh.”
She chewed the inside of her cheek. “I’m sure it feels super confusing. I feel for you.” She sat back. “But you have to have this conversation with him.”
“I know I do,” I said, looking away. “Things are still so new, though. I mean, in a way, we’re still getting to know each other. It seems too soon.”
And I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him.
“Olivia,” she said, “my brother is crazy about you. It’s definitely not too soon to bring it up.” She leaned in to take my hand. “If you’re as serious about him as he is about you, then you need to bring it up soon.”
“I’ve never been more serious, not even with Bill,” I promised her, and my heart squeezed. Kids? Already? Not weeks ago, I’d been having that same dreadful conversation with Bill. Didn’t I get some time to adjust, to just enjoy what David and I were doing?
“You know, some women don’t feel maternal at your age,” she pointed out. “You might feel differently after you and David have been together a while.”
I might, yes. Or, I might never feel the desire to have children. And then what?
I nodded and forced a smile because I didn’t know what else to say. “You’re right. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
She opened her mouth and paused before speaking. “Raising a child is not easy, though. Don’t . . . don’t do it for the wrong reasons.”
I swallowed dryly. If it was a dealbreaker for David, I wasn’t sure I could make Jessa that promise.
“I won’t say anything to him,” Jessa continued. “But for your own peace of mind, you should talk to him soon. He’s planning his whole life around you. He needs to know if kids aren’t in the cards.”
My gut ached with the truth in her words. With Bill, I guessed that I would’ve eventually caved on having children, whether or not that was what I wanted. I’d thought I’d owed it to him, and I knew, in the end, how hard he would’ve pushed to get his way.
But David would never push me. If I told him the truth about how I felt . . . he’d never ask me to go through with it. So that left only two options: David’s sacrifice or mine.
Or the third option, of course. If neither of us was willing to give, then we’d have no choice but to go our separate ways.
24
I would’ve never thought spending a couple days without my boyfriend would be so hard. Even though Bill had traveled frequently for work, and at times might be gone for up to two weeks, I’d always managed fine. By Friday, missing David had made me frustrated, restless, and lonely. That was when I realized that not only was he my boyfriend and my exceptional love, but he’d also become my best friend.
Something had been weighing heavily on my mind, though, and I wanted to take care of it before I saw him next. He wouldn’t be happy about it, but I wanted to do it for him most of all.
On my way to the airport to catch my flight to Miami, I stopped by Bill’s office. Since I hadn’t made an appointment, I wasn’t sure he’d be there. But last year, he’d worked the day after Thanksgiving, so I took my chances.
I stopped in the doorway of his fancy leathery office. Our photo on the lake had disappeared from his desk, and he’d gelled his brown hair away from his face, a style I’d never seen him wear to work. “Hey.”
His head snapped up, but he didn’t look surprised. “Olivia.” He stood and straightened his tie. “What can I do for you?”
So formal after the way he’d humiliated me at my office. “A very friendly gentleman delivered divorce papers to me at work earlier this week.”
He nodded. “I’m aware.”
“You’re filing on grounds of adultery?” I asked. “I was hoping we could go about this differently.”
“Why?”
“That won’t affect how much you get in the divorce, and you might still have to pay alimony.”
“You’ve done your homework,” he said, tilting his head. “Or maybe you have a lawyer already?”
I took a couple steps into the office, keeping my handbag at my side. “All I can think is that your intent is to embarrass me with a trial.”
“It’s not.” He stuck his hands into his pockets. “My intent is to embarrass you both. David should be exposed for what he is.”
“Bill, look.” I went and sat in one of the cushy chairs in front of his big, wooden desk. “I’m not denying that what we did was awful, and that we’re in the wrong. But it doesn’t make sense for you to waste resources on this.” I appealed to his logical side as he’d once done with me when my emotions had taken over. “Trust me, David has no problem shelling out whatever he has to. You’re smart about money. Don’t burn it just to watch me suffer.”
“Well, shouldn’t I get something out of all this?” he asked, throwing up his arms. “Chicago has this guy on a goddamn pedestal. If I don’t get a trial, then I’m going to the press. He deserves to be outed as the homewrecker he is.”
“We all wrecked this,” I snapped. “You, me, and David. You share some of the blame, too.”
His eyes narrowed on me. “If you want something from me, this isn’t the way to get it.”
“I’m sick of both of you acting like little boys fighting over a toy,” I said and pursed my lips. “It was my decision to make—not his, not yours. David has the money to fight back in ways that could devastate you, and if you try to hurt him, I won’t stop him from trying.”
“Jesus.” Bill scoffed. “You have an affair for months, lie about it, call Lucy’s sister nasty names, and now you’re threatening me? I don’t even know you anymore.”
The truth was, he never really had—not the whole me. He’d chosen to accept the parts that suited him and ignore what didn’t. And David had shown me that was no way for either Bill or me to live. “I want you to drop the adultery charge,” I said. “And I want the divorce in six months instead of two years.”
“Why would I agree to that?” he asked. “So you can run off and marry him?”
“I’m trying to protect you, Bill,” I said. “I don’t want to drag this out. It’s not healthy emotionally or financially. I want us all to move on.”
“Move on?” he asked, rounding the desk with his brows furrowed. “It’s only been weeks.” He stopped a few feet away, looking down at me. “Well, weeks for me. But I guess you’ve been planning this for a while.”
“You know that’s not true,” I said. “This is all new to me, too.”
He blew out a sigh, glancing out his office window. “What’s messed up is that even with what you did, I could still, somehow, get stuck paying alimony.”
That was true, unfair as it was. But I could prevent it. All I had to do was let go of the things that scared me and trust in the decisions I’d made. David’s love had done something to me. In the little time we’d spent together, he’d proven his love was real and that I not only had it . . . I deserved it.
There was no victim here, and no villain, either. Bill and I had both made mistakes that caused us suffering. “I’ve put you through a lot,” I said, “and I’m sorry. I really am. But I think one day you’ll see that this isn’t all my fault.”
“I don’t think—”
“If you agree to the six months, I’ll waive the right to alimony,” I said. “Not only that, but you can keep the car and everything you didn’t throw in those boxes. All I want is what I contributed to the savings account.”
“Are you crazy?” he asked. “Your contributions are measly compared to what you could get in alimony. Why would you do that?”
I picked at my fingernail. “I have my reasons.”
Bill’s eyebrows rose. “He put you up to this?”
“It’s my decision,” I said.
“Your share isn’t even enough for legal fees—or anything really.”
“I know.”
His tongue shot into his cheek as he thought. “So I just get . . . everything else?”
“Yes. I’m asking you this final favor. For me,” I pleaded. “If you ever loved me . . . let me go.”
I read the pity in his eyes clearly. He was thinking that David would leave me with nothing. He knew, as a lawyer, the risk I was taking, and I’d figured he’d try to talk me out of it. But he didn’t.
“All right,” he said slowly. “If I’m completely exempt from alimony, I’ll agree to six months. But I have a condition.”
I folded my hands in my lap. “Okay,” I prompted.
Hesitation crossed his face, but it was fleeting. “Beyond the divorce proceedings, you and I no longer have any contact whatsoever.”
And just like that, in a matter of weeks, our relationship had come to its abrupt end. It had never occurred to me that Bill would one day be just a memory. Something that had happened but was no longer. And that one day, the years I’d given him would seem like so little time.
Bill’s request only came from anger and hurt, but, regardless, he was right. It would be easiest to make as clean a split as possible. I looked at him with sadness and regret—not for losing him but for the pain I’d caused him. I now knew that we were wrong for each other, but it didn’t change the fact that we had loved each other. And I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. For that, I knew the only way to make things right was to cut him free. So I said, “Agreed.”
* * *
Gretchen, Greg, Brian, and his new girlfriend had all been in Florida since the day before, so they were already settled into Brian’s parents’ house by the time I arrived. Just outside Miami, the four-bedroom place on the water comfortably fit the group of us. Brian showed me to a room upstairs. We had plans for a sunset dinner, so I dropped my things and changed into a navy shift dress and knee-high brown boots.
As I curled my hair, Gretchen knocked and poked her head into the bathroom. “Ready yet?” she asked.
“Almost, but can you curl the back of my hair?”
She assumed the position behind me to fix the pieces I’d missed. “So,” she started, “I have something to tell you that you’re not going to like.”
I sighed. That sounded about right. “Already? I just got here.”
“Sorry.” She twisted her lips, focused on the curling iron. “Apparently, Greg still keeps in touch with your ex, Jordan.”
Jordan Banks. My first real boyfriend, to whom I’d also lost my virginity. “I didn’t know that, but it makes sense,” I said. “Greg introduced us freshman year.”
“Well, Jordan lives in Miami now,” Gretchen said, and met my eyes in the bathroom mirror.
“Gretchen,” I warned. “Please don’t tell me Greg invited him tonight.”
She cringed. “I told him to undo it, but he’s bitching about how rude it would be to disinvite him.”
“Ugh,” I said, glancing at the ceiling. “David won’t like me having dinner with my ex-boyfriend.”
“I know.” She nodded. “I tried to tell Greg he’d have David to answer to, but it’s like he’s making up for lost time or something. Greg thinks us hanging out will be like ‘the good old days,’ which, by the way, is his favorite phrase as of late, and I swear if I hear it one more time, I’m going to strangle him.”
I was beginning to think Greg had less desire to atone for the past and more desire to recreate it. Could he be stuck in “the good old days” with a case of Peter Pan syndrome?
“Well, Greg just has to be an adult and cancel,” I said resolutely.
“Jordan’s already on his way,” she informed me. “Sorry, girl. I won’t tell David if you won’t.”
“You’re delusional if you think he won’t find out,” I said to her reflection. “The man knows everything.”
“Deal with it tomorrow?” she suggested.
“I guess.” Seemed as if it was already time for me to back
up my speech about letting me make my own choices. “If I were still with Bill, I wouldn’t even think twice about it.”
“Seriously. It’s been years—it’s just a simple reunion, not a set-up,” she said. “So did you meet Brian’s new girlfriend or whatever she is?”
“No, how is she?”
“Kind of quiet from what I can tell.” She set down the curling iron and half-rolled her eyes. “We haven’t exactly been chumming it up, the group of us.”
“Sorry David and I left you hanging last night,” I said.
“No worries.” She plucked at my curls and drew back to study her work, then gasped as my earrings caught the light. “Whoa. I’ve never seen these before.”
I smiled slyly. “A gift.”
“So let me get this straight—David’s gorgeous, sexy, romantic . . . and he buys you expensive things?” She sighed wistfully. “You must be a tiger in the sack.”
I laughed. “All evidence points to yes.”
“There must be something wrong with him,” she said.
“Well, he can’t really cook,” I offered with a shrug. “Although he tries with breakfast food, which is nice. And . . .” I hesitated, fixing my watch on my wrist. “He can be a little possessive.”
“So I noticed. And kind of controlling, Liv.” She walked around to perch on the counter in front of me. “Is that something I should be worried about?”
“We’re working through it,” I said. “Ultimately, he means well, and I like that he’s so into me. I’ll take him being a little overbearing when he makes me this sublimely happy.”
“Make sense . . . lucky bitch,” she said with a giggle.
“Greg made you that happy once,” I pointed out. “Doesn’t he still?”
“Sure.” She reached out to pick a strand of my hair off my shoulder. “I think this weekend away will be good for us, though.”
“How come?”
“You know how it is in the city,” she said, looking to one side. “Work, cramped spaces, stressful commute. It’s a lot for a new relationship.”
“Is everything all right?” I asked.
“Yeah, of course. I’m getting what I didn’t realize I still wanted. All this time I never stopped thinking about Greg. So, yeah, I’m glad he finally came around.”
Cityscape Affair Series: The Complete Box Set Page 85