I closed my eyes and swallowed the bile building up in my throat. “She told me not to make things worse than they already were.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I swear, I am so fucking sick of her!”
“How?” I asked, opening my eyes. “I’d really like to know how? What does she have on you that is so big that you can’t just kick her out of your life already? I know about your mom and how she was in rehab, but you can’t control your mom’s actions, Cane. People will understand!”
“It’s not that simple,” he ground out, teeth probably clenched as he spoke. “I…fuck, Kandy. I’ve got shit on me. Shit that she knows about. And there is so much happening here and all of it is coming at me at once, and then that bitch wants to throw this shit in my face.”
“Throw what in your face?” I demanded.
Silence poured through the line. “I want to tell you, Kandy, but I can’t talk about it on the phone.” He breathed hard. “Listen…I have to go. I have a teleconference in ten minutes. I saw your call and wanted to return it while I had a little free time.”
Well, thanks for that, I wanted to say. This conversation went nowhere. I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone.
“Sure, yeah,” I muttered. “I understand.”
“Don’t do that please,” he pleaded. “I want to talk more, but my plate is full right now, Kandy. I swear.”
I bit my bottom lip, fighting emotion.
“Call me if you need anything. You know I’m here.”
“I will,” I said, but deep down, it felt like a lie. Would I call him again? And for what? Just to talk about Kelly? The past? How much my dad has probably fucked up his life, all because of me? On the phone with him, it felt like the passion had faded and I hated it. I hated it so much.
Tears burned the rims of my eyes, but I bit them back.
“Talk to you later,” he said softly.
“Later.” My voice broke, but I hung up before he could say anything else. I shut my eyes, ignoring the fire behind my eyelids, breathing in and out repeatedly until I felt stable enough to open my eyes.
I had two choices. I could either sit on the bench and pathetically cry into my own hands, or go and find Morgan and Gina and pretend the call I had with Cane never happened.
My feet moved before my heart could decide for me.
Chapter Sixteen
CANE
Here I was again.
Back at Polly Heights Rehabilitation Center.
I hated this place. I’d lost count of how many times I’d come here to visit my mother. Last year, after several attempts of begging and bribing her with better things for her future, she’d checked in twice. This year, only once, but she’d been inside for a while now. Five months to be exact. In one month, she would be out, and I prayed she wouldn’t resort to the old shit. Change is hard to come by, but my mother could do it. She wasn’t the strongest, but she was resilient.
Lora and I were seated at one of the cafeteria tables, the blue chair beneath me too damn hard to get comfortable in. Lora flipped through a magazine, legs crossed, chomping on a wad of gum. The gum chewing was a nervous habit. She was pretending to be okay with being there, but I knew she was nervous to see Mama again after so much time apart. She hadn’t seen her in over two years.
“How the hell is anyone supposed to get comfortable waiting in here,” Lora grumbled, slapping the magazine shut. “The coffee is fucking cold and they’re out of cinnamon rolls.” She pulled her gum out of her mouth, stamping it down on the magazine with the pad of her thumb.
I sighed and flipped my wrist to check the time. “She should be coming out any minute now.”
Several minutes later, the double doors buzzed and they automatically opened. Several of the patients scurried into the visitation room, some of them a little too jumpy and some of them seeming too sluggish to function, most likely from the meds.
They met up at the tables with their loving visitors, some smiling, some frustrated, others looking as if they had no clue what was going on. Several more trickled in, and that’s when I saw Mama.
I’m sure my eyes were as wide as saucers. “Shit.”
“Shit is right,” Lora breathed.
Mama walked into the room without so much as a fidget or a scratch, staring right at us with a bold, white smile—a smile I hadn’t seen her wear in years. I saw this smile often when she was sober—back when her life was content and peaceful without Buck in it.
The sight of it made my stomach flip, the memories of the good old days hitting me hard. I remembered when it was only the three of us in a two-bedroom apartment. Mama would make pancakes and cut up some fresh fruit every Sunday before she went in to work, and Lora and me would hang out at the pool, or at Killian’s unauthorized tattoo parlor in his garage down the street.
She was sober for three years straight back then. Not a drop of liquor, not a sniff of coke, not a shot of heroin. There was no Buck, only us. Though she’d worked several jobs, she still smiled and had fun. She lived her life. She took care of us…then he came back and ruined everything. He was always coming and going. The longest he’d stayed away was those three years. I never understood why he returned.
“Oh my goodness,” Mama cooed when she met up to the other side of the table, her eyes fixed on Lora.
Lora and I stood. Putting on a coy smile, Lora said, “Hi, Mama.”
“Nah-uh. Don’t do that.” Mama hurried around the table, her arms spread wide. “Get over here, baby. Come hug me!”
Lora pushed her chair back with the backs of her legs, walking straight into Mama’s arms. They hugged for a long time, making up for the two-year absence. “Look at you,” Mama sighed. “Still so beautiful. And I love this hair color on you! My baby girl!” she cooed, pressing her cheek to Lora’s. “I’ve missed you so much!” She kissed Lora on the forehead and Lora laughed.
“Mama!” she said, fighting laughter. “Chill! It wasn’t even that long!”
“It was two years, Lora. Too long for you to be away from me. I at least hope the guy who stole you away from us treated you good.”
Lora sighed and shrugged, and she was lucky Mama let it go. I could tell Lora wasn’t in the mood to talk about Aaron.
Mama’s eyes pinned me next and she came in for a hug. I held her tight, and was glad her hair smelled like the honey and vanilla shampoo she’d asked me to send during the last visit. She was keeping herself up, like she’d promised last time. Her hair was brushed and she even had makeup on. Only mascara, but it was a start.
“You look good, Ma,” I told her. “I’m glad to see you like this.”
“Well, you know, I try,” she teased with a grin. “One of the girls here, Carrie, takes real good care of me. She found out about my birthday when you last visited and bought me some of my favorite makeup the next day. She wasn’t supposed to, but she painted my nails and even did a little makeover on me. She just transferred from another clinic. Such a nice girl.”
“Good. I’m glad they’re treating you well.”
We all sat, Mom taking the seat beside Lora while I took the one across from them.
“So, how’s everything been?” Lora asked, a hand under her chin, unable to fight her smile.
“Oh, so good, baby. I know I always say this, but I think this is it. Really, really it. No more fooling around. I’m ready to live my life and make a fresh start with my kids.”
Lora pursed her lips, giving her a suspicious look. “You aren’t just saying that because Buck is getting out soon, are you?”
Mama’s eyes widened. “What? No! I really want to do this for myself.” She looked from Lora to me, like she was really trying to prove a point, but even I had my doubts. I kept my lips shut, though.
“Well, in case you even try to consider it, I want you to read this. Maybe it’ll make you think twice before caving this time.” Lora pulled out the folded letter that was now crumpled around the edges, sliding it toward her on top of the table.
Ma
ma glanced sideways at Lora, eyes burning with curiosity, before picking it up and reading it. Her eyes moved quick, and with each line read, they filled with a familiar horror.
Her throat bobbed as she folded the sheet of paper and placed it down on the table again. “I thought he was getting better too.”
“He’s never going to get better,” I muttered, and she peered up at me, eyes glistening. “Ma, he’s a worthless piece of shit. He doesn’t care about us. He never has. You read the letter. He’s trying to come for Tempt when he’s out.”
She dropped her head.
“I won’t let him mess with my company,” I went on. “I have worked too hard to let him ruin things. The only way he won’t be able to get close is if you keep your distance. Lay low, ignore his letters, and forget he ever existed.”
“He’s your father, Quinton,” Mama pleaded. “That’s a lot easier said than done.”
“No. That’s where you’re wrong. He is not a father. A real father wouldn’t be out to hurt his children or tarnish their career. A father wouldn’t have beaten his own son to a pulp at the age of ten because he forgot to bring home a carton of milk.” The thought of it made me clench my fist on top of the wooden table, but I didn’t stop. She needed to hear this. I’d hidden a lot of things from my mother for the sake of her sanity and happiness, but enough was enough. I would do whatever I needed to do, say whatever needed to be said, in order for her to stay away from that conniving prick. “A real father, wouldn’t have tried to come onto his own daughter while you weren’t around.”
Through the corner of my eye, I saw Lora flinch. “Q,” she warned.
“No, Lora, she needs to hear this shit. She always runs back to him, no matter what he’s done or how badly he beats her. It has to fucking stop.”
“Lora,” Mama gasped, a trembling hand covering her lips. “Is that true?”
Lora shook her head and bit her bottom lip, fighting the tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why wait so many years later?” Mom demanded.
“Because you wouldn’t have believed me, Mama!” Lora barked. A few people looked our way, but prying eyes weren’t going to stop my sister from finally confessing the truth. During the ride here, Lora and I both agreed that we would let Mama know about it, no matter how bad it got. Lora tried to hide it from her, but it was time. Mama loved Lora to death, and even we knew that Buck coming onto her would have been crossing the line for Mama. “You were always too high or drunk to ever do anything about it anyway, Ma!”
Mama flinched and as she stared into her eyes, Lora’s softened to match. Sighing, Lora lowered her gaze to the magazine instead.
“He never got farther than groping and grabbing,” she went on. “Q was there to stop it every time—he refused to leave me there alone for long with Buck around—but you know how Buck was. When Q interfered, he got frustrated and took his anger out on him, pissed that he couldn’t touch me and get away with it like he wanted.”
I looked down.
“Lora,” Mom whimpered, reaching for her hand. “I promise I’m not like that anymore and I will not let it happen again. I want to do better, not only for myself, but for my kids too. I love you both so, so much and I know I haven’t been the best mother but…” Her voice shook, thick with emotion. “But I want to try to be the best I can be now.”
“Then prove it,” Lora snapped, pulling her hand away. “When you get out of here, prove to us that you’ve left all of that shit behind, including Buck. Don’t call him, don’t write him anymore stupid fucking letters—hell, don’t even think about him. He’s no good for you. He’s never been any good for you or any of us and you know it.”
Mom bobbed her head eagerly. “I can do that. I promise. Just—just give me a chance to start fresh so I can be there for you both. Something stable is normally required for when I check out of the clinic.”
“Yes, and you’ll have that and more,” I assured her. “But we mean this, Mama.” I reached across the table, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “You can’t talk to him anymore. No more letters. When you get out, I’ll move you two to a safe location where he’ll never find you. You’ll have a nice place with a big kitchen you can bake in and a big, comfortable bed to sleep in. You’ll get whatever you want…just promise to actually try for us. Just this once. Okay?”
She shut her eyes for a brief moment and nodded. “I can do that,” she murmured, eyes peeling open to focus on me. “I will do better. I promise.”
“Good.”
“What will you do about the company?” she asked. “I’m sure he knows where the building is. He can walk right in there.”
“Yeah, I know he knows. That’s why I’ll amp up the security and have his face plastered all over the place so everyone knows not to trust him or let him in. He won’t set foot into my building or anywhere near my house without my knowledge. I’ll contact my attorney and have a restraining order filed for all three of us as well. We all know he won’t give a damn about the order or causing a scene so if I see him anywhere, I’ll handle him myself. He doesn’t scare me.” My jaw clenched. “Not anymore.”
They both nodded, and when Mama smiled and Lora took her hand and squeezed it too, I had hope we would be on the same accord again.
Together, we could be unstoppable. We could do anything. But first, we had to set ourselves free.
Free of the past. Free of the drugs. Free of everything that held us back.
We had to do what was right for our family to thrive, and that was making sure Buck never fucked with us again.
Chapter Seventeen
KANDY
Three days sluggishly went by and not a text or call from Cane. Not that I was expecting him to call me again anytime soon, and it wasn’t like the phone didn’t work both ways, but, I was hopeful, proceeding with giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He’s busy, I reminded myself.
Somehow, in my fucked up head, I thought that taking a walk on the trail would be my good luck charm. Maybe he’d call me while I was walking it, interrupt me with a shock like last time.
I walked the trail, much longer this time than last.
Not one call.
Not one text.
Seriously, what was I hoping for?
Before I knew it, the trail had ended and I was greeted with a different part of the school campus. The grass was manicured and smelled sweet. Brick pavements and cement sidewalks led to every which way, tall buildings built so high I had to pick my head up to take it all in, even from my lengthy distance away.
The bass of music caught my attention and I turned my head to find the noise. There was a parking lot less than a yard away. Several cars were there, as well as a group of young people. Some of the guys were shirtless, the girls in belly shirts, really short shorts, or both. Some of them had blankets spread out on the grass nearby, bathing in the sun.
Being nosy, I walked a little closer to get a better view. They mostly looked like upperclassmen. Normally, I would have walked the opposite direction of a crowd like theirs, but there was something about this one that intrigued me.
From my distance, I assumed they were athletes, by their toned builds and easygoing demeanors, but they weren’t boisterous or obnoxious. They appeared to be having fun, but were subtle about it. The music wasn’t so loud that they couldn’t hold a conversation. Though most of them were half-naked, everyone appeared comfortable with the next person. Now that I could really hear it, the music wasn’t even party music. It was more like soulful lounge music.
“Hey! You gonna join the group or are you just gonna to stand here and watch?” A deep voice spilled over my shoulder and I gasped, spinning around to face him. A boy, tall and broad and chiseled, gave me one of the whitest, straightest smiles I’d ever seen as I clutched my chest. He threw his hands up in the air almost immediately, saying, “Whoa—sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”
“Uh—no, no. It’s okay.” I waved my hands. “Just wasn’t expecting your vo
ice.”
“My voice?” He smiled, and when he did, the middle of his cheek sank, creating a deep dimple on his smooth umber skin.
“Yeah, sorry. That was dumb to say,” I laughed. “I just—I meant that I wasn’t expecting anyone to say anything to me at all.”
“Head in the clouds, I presume?” His easy smile transformed to a smirk.
“You could say that.” Honestly, he had no idea. It wasn’t that my head was in the clouds. It was more like my mind was back at home, reminiscing about things that would never happen again.
I looked toward the party, watching as they all sipped from brown cups with green labels on them. “That doesn’t seem like the typical college party.”
“Oh, it’s not. It’s not a party at all, actually.” He took a step closer, and even with the several inches between us, I could feel his body heat. “It’s a mindfulness and peace gathering. Ever heard of that?”
“Um…no, not at all,” I replied with a giggle, but he didn’t laugh with me, which made me feel stupid. “Shit, that was rude. I’m sorry.”
He finally laughed, and it was gruff and deep, creating a stir inside me that I wasn’t so sure I liked. “Nah, don’t be. You’d be surprised by the funny looks I get when I tell people about it.” He tucked the tips of his fingers into the front pocket of his jeans. “Its called MPA, which means Mindful Peaceful Athletes. This group started about two years ago. A bunch of the athletes were having the same issues and felt overwhelmed and stressed with juggling academics and sports in their schedules, plus all the traveling and what not. So a chick named Frida Gonzalez, who was a kick-ass volleyball player here, decided to create this new wave. Every Wednesday night, after practice, all of the student athletes who felt overwhelmed or were seeking an escape, would meet in this parking lot, have a sip of this amazing herbal tea her mom would send—because her mom is totally into all that herbal wellness stuff—and we’d do homework on the grass some nights, help each other out if we had the same assignments, or just meditate. Only requirement is bringing your own blanket. Grass gets a little itchy.”
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