Smith's mouth worked for a moment before he could answer, but I saw a strange glint of what I thought must be eagerness in his eyes. “This is more important than me."
I closed my eyes to shut out the sight of his. There was only one thing I could be certain of. In my history, Smith's mission had unquestionably succeeded in its immediate goal. The Spanish Influenza had killed its millions upon millions. If I stopped him, I'd be making a major temporal intervention with results I couldn't predict on the future from that point forward. Would it be the hell Smith was describing? Or better? Or worse? There simply wasn't any way for me to know. “How can I let you go out of here and kill tens of millions of people?” I finally said softly.
Smith kept his eyes fixed on mine. “For the sake of billions yet to come."
“That kind of math is an abomination."
“It's also true. Dammit, do you think we wanted to do this?"
And somehow I knew then that Smith wasn't lying. He might be delusional or crazy, but he believed what he was saying. Which left it up to me. Change my future, or let Smith kill on a scale unmatched in human history. Save tens of millions, maybe, and if Smith was to be believed condemn billions to awful fates. Take a chance that whatever my own intervention caused here would produce a future no worse than the one I knew of from this point forward. But that was impossible to know. Even aside from the group impact of so many humans living who'd died in my history, any one of those individual Spanish Influenza victims could've been another Hitler or another Einstein or another Martin Luther or another Julius Caesar. I looked at Smith again, letting my eyes stray down his ruined body. What kind of society would send somebody in his physical condition on a mission it regarded as so important? Only a society at the end of its rope.
I didn't trust myself to speak. I just let my grip on Smith go and stepped back. Then I turned around and walked out. He might've called something after me. I couldn't be sure and didn't want to know.
Dawn found me staring across the anchorage of Freeport, thinking about the extra, unknown cargo those ships would be carrying soon. I looked down at my hands, didn't see any blood there, and wondered why. Twenty million. At least. For the future good of the human race. For the future I knew, for better or worse, though it easily could've turned out a lot worse. I knew that, and when push came to shove I couldn't risk a worse outcome in the future. Even though that future now felt forever tainted. Playing god isn't all it's cracked up to be. “Jeannie -."
“Yes?"
“It's nothing. I just finally figured something out.” That flash of eagerness in Smith's eyes. He wasn't afraid of being cancelled out of the future he was creating. No, he wanted to be cancelled out of that future. Wanted to cease to exist, so that even an alternate version of him who had no idea what ‘he'd’ done would suffer the ultimate penalty. I understood now. Because, unlike Smith, I'd have to live with the knowledge of what I'd done, or more correctly what I hadn't done, for the rest of my life. “Work up a jump home, Jeannie. Let's get out of here.” Before Smith's influenza started its deadly march across the planet.
I hope the kids who would've been Smith's came out okay.
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Small Moments in Time Page 3