“You sure? I really don’t mind. I like them both too.”
“No, really. I’ll just order the bison,” she said.
The waiter returned with their drinks, Ethan gave him their dinner order and off he went again.
“I’m glad we came out,” Janine said.
“What was happening back at your place was pretty nice too,” Ethan said as he raised his glass for an informal toast.
As they took their first sips, Janine spotted Neil Elliott and his wife Michelle entering the bistro arm in arm. The older couple came into the restaurant, spoke with the host and made a beeline to say hello to them.
“What a pleasant surprise!” Neil said enthusiastically.
Janine stood up to give them both hugs. It had been several months since she last saw them. Neil, now retired, had been managing partner of the Indianapolis office of her law firm. He was her mentor and good friend.
Janine said, “It is so great to see you!”
“Mr. and Mrs. Elliott. It’s wonderful to see you both again. It’s been awhile. I think the last time we saw you was at the River Walk event, right?” Ethan said as he extended his hand to them.
“I think you’re right! Good to see you again Ethan.” Neil said shaking his hand.
“Would you like to join us for dinner? We’ve already ordered, but we can certainly have the waiter make room for you.” Ethan was so gracious and unlike the stereotype of the introverted accountant.
“Oh, no! That’s very kind—we have our own date.” Turning to his wife, “Don’t we Dear?”
“Are you sure?” Ethan continued.
Michelle gave her elegant smile and said, “Thank you, Ethan. When you can manage to get them away from their work, you seize and cherish the moment. So please, enjoy your time with Janine.”
With that, they all gave one last round of hugs and Neil and Michelle found their host and were led away to their table further in the rear of the restaurant.
“I love that,” Janine said.
“What?” Ethan asked.
“I love that after forty-plus years of marriage, they still love each other through it all. Through all his late nights, travel, stress—all of it. They love each other and now have time to just be them again.”
“Yeah, we all want that, but it’s rare,” Ethan said.
“Well, it takes more than love, that’s for sure,” she said. “You have to be committed to the long haul. I think people go into marriages with some image of the end game—not really appreciating the fact that it’s moment to moment, day by day decisions that lead to ’til death do us part. It’s in those moments that you either survive or die.”
“Is that what happened between you and your ex-husband?”
Ethan never really asked her about her failed marriage before. Other than knowing the marriage lasted less than a year, all Janine said about it was neither really knew the other. She wasn’t sure she wanted to divulge much more to him. But there was a look on his face suggesting he expected more this time.
“When I met him, I was at a point in my life where I felt emotionally lost. I mean I was doing well professionally, I had amazing friends and you know…for the most part my life was nice. But when I met him, I thought ‘clean slate’ I could finally stop pining over someone I’d never be able to have again, so…I allowed myself to be swept off my feet. In the beginning it was wonderful even though I dealt with his occasional bouts of jealousy over my success at the firm.” She took another sip of her cabernet, looked Ethan squarely in the eyes and simply said, “Then things fell apart.”
“Was he unfaithful to you?”
“No. He was very faithful. Eventually, he was also mean and angry all the time saying and doing incredibly hurtful things. But the real problem was whomever he thought or wanted me to be, wasn’t a reflection of me. And I thought I was very open with him about just about everything.”
“Just about?” he asked.
Now firmly in the conversation, Janine wasn’t sure she wanted to proceed. It was a difficult topic for her and part of the reason she thought her relationship with Ethan worked was because neither demanded too much of the other. But she conceded he had been upfront with her about the reason his marriage failed. His wife had several affairs—one with the boys’ soccer coach, another with a man she worked with, all fleeting cries for affection from a husband frantically trying to build a successful accounting firm leaving little time for her emotional needs.
Ethan blamed himself for many years about the problems in his marriage—even being willing to stay and work it out despite her infidelity, but she refused. If there was any good to what happened, the resulting divorce seemed to have made them both better parents to their boys. It was a hard journey for him. She decided to answer his query.
“I learned fairly early in my relationship with Vincent that talking about other men who had been in my life was not a good idea. He knew they were there—but preferred not to know any details. As he put it, ‘I couldn’t give a damn about the men you’ve slept with.’ Truth is, only one really mattered anyway.”
“I see. Is that why you’ve never talked about your ex-husband with me?” Ethan asked.
“Not at all. Truthfully, he doesn’t matter anymore. Unlike your situation, there was nothing that held us together—no kids, no property to split. Nothing. We ended it as swiftly as possible and went our separate ways.”
“So, if we stop dating, I turn to dust to you?” His face was fixed and the question far more intense than any he had asked before.
“I can’t answer that, Ethan. As far as I know, we are nowhere near that place. But if I were to guess, I’d say no—you could never turn to dust. I actually like you,” she said with a disarming smile.
“Then I‘ll count myself lucky,” he said as he raised his glass to her.
Their dinner arrived and she was grateful the conversation returned to much lighter fare. Remembrances of the night she tried something “new” with her ex-husband flashed in her mind along with the devastation when things didn’t go as expected. In an attempt to put a few “sprinkles” on their vanilla sex, she prepared a special evening for him as he slept on the couch with his arms outstretched over the sides. She changed into a black leather mini skirt with a corset and spiked heels. She quietly slipped silk restraining cuffs on his wrists and secured them firmly.
As she kissed and stroked him from his slumber, he realized what was happening and flew into a rage. He screamed at her, called her a slut, a whore, a deviant fuck and more. She was so shocked and stunned by his tirade, that all she could do was fall back to the floor in a flood of tears. From that moment on, he treated her as a possession with outbursts so spiteful and angry that she knew it was over. She counted herself fortunate she was able to get out of it as easily as she did. But the wrenching experience convinced her that one of the most intimate parts of her had to stay hidden.
Having finished their meal, she and Ethan prepared to leave. In gentlemanly fashion, he placed her wrap around her shoulders kissing her cheek as he did so.
She took him by the hand as they exited the restaurant and said, “I love what we have, Ethan. I need you to understand that and I’m looking forward to what else is in store for us.”
Stealing a line from an old movie he said, “Then take me to bed, woman!”
And with that, they returned to her house for an evening of sweet lovemaking that filled her completely. As he slept beside her, she reflected on everything she said to him because she meant every word. But she also hoped that heading to Belize would give her the space she needed to finally come to grips with the feelings she had for Michael after all these years.
CHAPTER 5
Janine and Michael’s relationship was at an uneasy impasse the summer following completion of the JD/MBA program. Both passed the bar, and were faced with whether or not they were going to try to find positions in the same city. It was a tumultuous period for many reasons. In the end she chose to work for a law fir
m in Chicago that recruited her heavily. Working in Chicago had an appeal all its own—especially since she understood remaining in DC was no longer an option. Michael had made it clear that’s where he wanted to stay and he wanted her with him. On one level, she appreciated his strong ties to the area. On another, what she wanted most was for them to find their own place away from the familiar. Janine convinced herself this impasse was proof neither of them was really ready to make a lifetime commitment.
It took her years to face her own truth. As much as she loved him and knew he loved her, the thought of getting married at that time terrified her. What they had together was divine and taboo, and the dichotomy made her unsure. She didn’t want to fail—not at this, not with him. Instead, she packed her things, and moved to Chicago, never having shared her fears with him. As hurt as she knew he was, she managed to put their separation squarely on his shoulders, bearing none of the responsibility for her choice that impacted every meaningful relationship that followed.
Despite her decision about Michael, she had a keen emotional intelligence that matched—if not surpassed—her intellectual capacity. She could read people and had an intuitiveness that served her well in her early career. She had an edge over other associates who spent their time politicking and trying to one-up one each other. Janine preferred to let her colleagues’ antics play out because she knew she could skillfully outmaneuver them without giving up her soul in the process. It took her little time to advance in the firm, making junior partner within five years. With that promotion, she relocated to Indianapolis following her divorce to support the growth of that office under Neil’s leadership. She put in the hours, did the work and was thorough when it came to finding innovative solutions to increasingly challenging cases and clients. It was in this role that she that she found her professional calling.
Janine soon joined Neil’s team of counselors for long-term client The Remington Foundation. Neil quickly became a mentor who found her “brilliant and down-right delightful.” At every opportunity, he took her to meet other clients, pulled her into his office to render advice and pick her brain. He made sure her name was included on several major social events in Indianapolis so that she could meet the city’s elite. Unfortunately, it took little time for rumors to begin to spread at the firm that she was advancing due to an inappropriate relationship with him.
She was aware of the innuendos and it angered her to no end. She found herself falling into a trap of defending herself and her credentials at every turn. But Neil saw the impact the rumors were having on her and pulled her aside to advise that she resist the impulse to engage them. He reiterated to her that managing to stay above the pettiness had always made her stand out from the others. He also advised her, that while her long hours were commendable—she needed to build a life away from her work.
Under Neil’s careful guidance and her own ambition, she became skilled in crafting innovative approaches to protect the Foundation’s assets. Along the way she also built a strong relationship with Leland Remington, family patriarch and foundation chair. It was she who convinced them to shift funding priorities and helped them resolve lingering issues with a previously dysfunctional board of trustees. The foundation was thriving and in no small part because of her legal work. To everyone’s surprise Neil announced his retirement and recommended Janine be given the role as lead counsel for Remington and be named full partner at thirty-three.
In her seven years with the firm, she accomplished something only a few associates did—making equity partner in record time Admittedly, the promotion brought about a certain level of financial ease and security. It gave her an opportunity to pursue other aspects of her life that had been in limbo. She’d finally be able to take Neil’s advice to make time for a personal life. But instead, she felt greater levels of responsibility committing even more time to work. She rarely dated and often missed out on impromptu gatherings with her friends.
She’d been in Indianapolis for three years when Kelly called to share the news she was getting married. It had been a while since they were all together. In fact, the last time was when Janine got married in Chicago. Michael certainly wasn’t there, but the others came to celebrate her big day. As anticipated, Kelly wanted Janine and Monica to serve as bridesmaids. She readily accepted and looked forward to the festivities.
The more they talked, it became clear Janine’s small affair was nothing compared to what Kelly had planned. Kelly was about to spend at least one hundred thousand dollars on her big day, if not more. This was going to be an extravagant Manhattan wedding, a perfect place for friends and family to gather. Kelly’s family lived primarily in the Pittsburg area; the groom’s family was in Boston and New Haven. Although Kelly’s closest friends were scattered across the country, the majority of her clients and professional associates were in Manhattan.
The groom–to-be was divorced real estate mogul Jason Rubenstein, ten years Kelly’s senior. Having met him once, Janine was convinced the man was as totally, hopelessly in love with Kelly as she was with him. Publicly, they were a force to be reckoned with but privately they were homey with an old-fashioned sweetness. It was such a contrast to the woman that once proudly proclaimed her sexual independence and fierce feminism. Nothing about this marriage negated any of that, but to find Kelly preferred a more conventional life choice was a pleasant surprise.
Arriving at the hotel a few days before the wedding, the ladies shared a spa day free of family and other friends. As they soaked their feet and sipped on champagne, the conversation turned to Monica and Janine’s love lives.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am for you. You deserve all this and more!” Janine said raising her glass to Kelly.
“Here, here!” Monica chimed in. “Jason is a real sweetheart. And the way he looks at you! Wow! Girl, that man is wide-open for you!” They all cheerfully toasted again.
“Who knew I’d end up marrying an old white Jew, huh?” Kelly said.
“Stop it! There’s nothing old about that man. He’s sexy as hell and you know it! How old is he anyway? Forty? Forty-five?” Janine asked.
“Forty-three to be exact,” Kelly replied.
“Well he looks good, and gotta little swag to him, too!” Monica said.
“I know, right? That man pushed up to me when one of my clients wanted to buy a building from him and boom—he pulled me in! I was done! So here I am, about to be Mrs. Rubenstein!” she laughed.
“Where you at, Monica? How’s Jasmine?” Kelly asked.
“We’re good. That’s my baby,” Monica replied with a sparkle in her eyes.
“Do you have plans to make it official?” Janine asked.
“We’ve been talking about having a civil ceremony. I don’t know…we’ll see.”
“If you do, you know we’ll be there,” Kelly said adding, “but who knows, word is Michael might be next.”
The news hit Janine like a ton of bricks. None of them had mentioned he was seriously dating anyone.
“Really? Dave didn’t pass that information along. Did you know about that Janine?” Monica asked.
“No, I hadn’t heard.” It was hard for Janine to hide the flood of emotions flowing through her. She found herself swallowing hard as she took another sip of her champagne.
“Oh, damn!” Kelly said, “Are you catching feelings? Girl!!! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I just hadn’t heard. I’m a little surprised.”
“That’s not a look of surprise, Janine. That’s heartbreak,” Monica said while leaning forward in the reclining chair. Lifting her feet out of the basin she asked “Girl, are you still in love with him?”
Janine hadn’t shared much with her friends about her feelings towards Michael since their breakup. It seemed inappropriate, especially after getting involved with and marrying Vincent.
“What kind of voodoo stick did he put on you? That MoJo shit must be good!” Kelly laughed heartily, but soon recognized her joke wasn’t going over well. She pulled
back and said, “Look, when you two were together in school, you were so guarded about your relationship. None of us really knew what was going on. I mean we all knew y’all were sleeping together. For a while it seemed to be getting serious—and then it was over. You weren’t talking much and neither was he. When you moved to Chicago, we just thought you two decided to move on.”
Almost under her breath Janine replied, “It was a bit more complicated than that.”
“You know he’s coming with her, right?” Kelly revealed.
“Really? Oh, shit! Well, what’s a wedding without a little drama,” Monica blurted out.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll deal with it and head back to Indy—no harm, no foul.”
“Listen, Janine. Whatever happened between you two, it seems to me it’s over. I mean you married someone else and it looks like he’s about to. You both moved on,” Monica advised.
It all made perfectly good sense, but deep within her, the heartache was still real after more than eight years apart. She knew she had no right to feel anything about the news.
“I don’t agree, Monica,” Kelly huffed. “He’s not married to her. Dave said Michael was THINKING about asking her. Listen, if there is a chance he and Janine can reclaim whatever they had, she should take it. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if he is feeling half of what Janine is, he doesn’t need to marry that woman.”
Monica seemed shocked by Kelly’s statement. “So what? You’re telling her to bust up on him with his girl here? That’s wrong as hell and you know it, Kelly!”
“No, no! What I’m saying is, if there is any chance—and the only way to know is to talk with him privately—then I think she should do it. Just put her shit out there and see how he deals with it. It’s on him. And then she’ll know.”
Janine listened to her friends argue the pros and cons of her predicament before finally saying, “Listen, I really appreciate it. But the truth is I don’t even know how I feel about him. A lot has happened over the past eight years. A lot. I can’t get any of that back. And in the end, you have to live with the choices you make, right? If he has found someone that makes him happy—then I want that for him.”
Her Love and Regrets (Book I) Page 5