She picked up the phone staring at it for a moment before dialing the number.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“How was Belize? How’re your friends?” Her mother paused knowing something was wrong with her child—even though her child was a grown woman. “What’s wrong, Janine?”
“I don’t even know how to start.”
“You start at the beginning. I got nowhere to be but right here on this phone. Take all the time you need.”
Although Janine had spoken of Michael in the past, she’d only met him briefly during their graduation. She also didn’t know this man proposed to her daughter. Janine apologized for being less than candid about all that happened in her relationship with him. There was no need to detail their sexual escapades, but she did share with her mother how they continued to connect after her divorce. Throughout their conversation, she sobbed finally revealing her fear of being vulnerable was at the heart of her failed relationship with Michael.
Her mother listened intently before saying, “Oh, Baby! I’m so sorry. When I told you to have your own, I never meant for you to take that to mean not give your heart to someone! I loved your daddy with all my heart and soul. I mourned that man for years. In some ways, I still do. But I had to pull myself together because the best part of us was you…and you needed me.”
“Mom…”
“No, it’s true. I don’t regret anything. But I told you to have your own so you could pursue your own dreams…and I hoped you’d find a love like mine along the way.”
As she dried her tears, she told her mother about her last conversation with Michael in Belize. Most important, she shared how lost she was feeling—how much she was grieving at the realization she’d likely never see him again.
“Why do you think you’ll never see him again?”
“Because I can’t undo any of what I did when we were together. I can’t make that right.”
With a motherly calm and discerning heart, she said, “No, you can’t undo anything, but you can move forward.”
“How in the world do I do that, Mom?”
“First you have to forgive yourself. Honey, you said Michael told you he still loves you. I think he will forgive you. But you have got to let go of whatever is keeping you from forgiving yourself.”
“I hurt him! Over and over again.”
“And you apologized.”
“Yes, but it’s not enough.”
“Is that what he said to you?”
“Not exactly. He said he couldn’t wait for me anymore. And I never really expect him to. I mean I’ve wasted so much time.”
“Honey, he may not want to pursue this anymore. But you will never know for sure until you tell him. You need to talk to him.”
As they continued talking, Janine told her how afraid she was to be lost in love with Michael. That being with him made her more alive and vulnerable than she had ever been with anyone. She continued listening attentively, interjecting questions until finally she said, “Janine, what do you want from this man? I mean it’s been fifteen years.” The question had a much harder edge to it than Janine expected from her mother.
“I’m not sure.”
“You can get sex anywhere, Lord knows! What is it that you want?”
Sighing deeply she said, “I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. The truth is I’ve never stopped…I want him.”
“Honey, are you sure you want him and not just a memory? Because if you’re sure, then call him—talk to him. But you’ve got to be willing to deal with whatever happens. The worst thing in the world is living with all this regret you’re carrying on your heart. You’ll never find happiness like that…and you deserve to be happy, Baby.”
“And what exactly do I tell him?”
“Everything you told me.”
CHAPTER 30
The next morning she was feeling emotionally drained and physically tired. She didn’t feel like going to work even though her schedule was full. She rarely called in sick, but this was one of those mornings she needed to do it. She called Betty’s voicemail informing her she’d be out for the day giving detailed instructions to carry out in her absence. She turned over in bed considering all the advice her mother had given her the night before. Among the words of wisdom shared, one simple phrase held the most weight, “talk to him.”
Staring up at the ceiling she thought about what she could possibly say that hadn’t already been said. While climbing the Acropolis at Caracol, they professed their love for one another was still there. There will little doubt all the passion they felt for each other was still there as well. Michael even got her to confess why she really left him and moved to Chicago. Despite all that was said, she couldn’t be sure he’d be willing to start over—whatever that meant. That was the key she was least certain about.
Clearly each had built fulfilling and professionally successful lives for themselves. Janine was dating someone whom she genuinely cared for. There was no reason to believe Michael wasn’t involved with someone as well. But just talk to him kept running through her head. What if he did say let’s start over? Would they simply pick up where they left off? Did that mean they’d commute between Washington and Indianapolis? Would the rigors of a long distance relationship wear on them again? It certainly didn’t work when they reconnected after Kelly’s wedding or even after the conference. But Janine also realized she was in a different place now. She had grown tired of running from him…from what they had, even though the thought of it still scared the shit out of her.
She left the relationship initially because she was afraid of the commitment he asked of her. As she reconciled why their subsequent encounters had not resulted in ‘happily ever after,’ she acknowledged most of it came back to her fears. Even now, she knew it was so much easier to stay in the box she had made for her self. But that box, while comfortable, could not erase all he had been to her—all that he was to her. Time and distance hadn’t erased him from her heart as much as she hoped it would.
There were so many questions racing through her mind and she felt exhausted just thinking about them all. By all accounts her life was ‘together,’ but her heart was in shambles. On one level she thought it was so much easier to start fresh and find someone new. But she also knew Michael Josey was the love of her life. Kelly had surmised the dilemma accurately when she said neither knew what to do with that reality. The truth was, it was she who hadn’t known what to do. Talk to him.
As she contemplated what she wanted to say to him, she decided to let the conversation flow one step at a time. There was no point continuing to create scenarios in her head. She reached for her cell phone. It was early—only seven thirty, but she knew he was awake and probably already at work. She typed out the text message:
-Good morning, Michael
-I need to talk to you
-Is there a good time?
She stared at the text box hoping he’d respond right away but he didn’t. She got up and went to the bathroom with her stomach still in knots. After doing a brief wash up, she went to the kitchen and put on some coffee. She returned to her bed reaching for the cell phone. Her heart felt lighter when she read his reply:
-Meeting client in abt10 min
-Call around 9:30
She quickly replied with:
-Ok thanks
As she waited for the time to pass, she fixed breakfast and checked her emails. There were several dozen from the two days she was out of the office. Although she instructed Betty to tend to most of them, she still found a few requiring a response from her versus a subordinate. She also noted a few in her personal account, but those took little time to sort and reply. At nine-thirty, she called him. Her heart was pounding with anticipation as the phone rang.
“Hello, Janine.” His voice was fairly low and there was little fluctuation in his tone.
“Hello, Michael. Thanks for taking my call.” She didn’t want to sound at all tentative.
“Of c
ourse. What’s up?”
“Listen, I know you’re working, but I really want to talk about what happened in Belize. A lot was said between us and I know there is more to say. Can we talk later this evening?”
There was a long pause before he said, “I have plans later tonight so…”
Not wanting to lose her nerve, she took a deep breath. “Michael, I don’t want the conversation we had in your bungalow to be the last one we ever have.”
He was silent for what felt like a very long time. Then he said, “Maybe tomorrow.”
“Okay, just tell me when.”
“Maybe around ten. I should be finished up by then.”
“Okay, I appreciate it. I really do.”
Although their call was brief, it was a first step in what Janine hoped would be many. As she hung up the phone she felt considerably better. But she was not so foolish as to presume taking this journey would yield a blissful life with him. Even if he was agreeable to starting over with her, they were known to have some heated moments between them.
He excited all her passions—not just the sexual ones. As much as she reminisced about their relationship over the past month and a half, she couldn’t help but remember what she now considered their silly spats over ordinary things. Unlike her, he was naturally and extraordinarily patient and it drove her insane at times. Throughout their relationship, he rarely raised his voice at her even when he was clearly upset.
There were certainly times when he was angry at or frustrated with her. When it happened he’d usually go off by himself, grab a book and zone her out. A few months into their relationship, he took a different tactic with her. He shifted the mood by taking off one article of his clothing at a time while moving as close to her as possible. He’d tell her, “Take off your clothes, Janine. It’s hard to stay mad when you’re naked.” Just thinking about it after all this time, caused her to blush and smile broadly.
The first time he said it she thought he was crazy and she adamantly refused. But he persisted continually taking off another article of clothing until he was fully naked in front of her. Meanwhile she stood stubbornly with hands firmly planted on her hips and a bit of a scowl on her face. She couldn’t believe he had the audacity to make such a request.
“You’re nuts! I’m not taking off my clothes! This is not the time!”
“Take off your clothes.”
“No! You can stand there naked as a jaybird for all I care, but I won’t do it,” she huffed as she tried to move away from him.
He moved even closer running his fingers down the front of her shirt and letting his touches linger against her breasts and belly. The delicate sensations against her body seemed more intense in her angered state. She didn’t like the idea he was trying to distract her from their argument. She swatted his hand away determined to hold firm in her convictions. But there was no denying the sight of him naked aroused her and she hated it.
His eyes seemed to emit their own light as the gazes between them shifted from frustration to a different test of wills. Since he was fully naked, Janine thought she was winning the contest until he took hold of his penis and started slowly stroking it. He looked at her with a slight smirk on his face as he lowered his eyes to his hand and raised them to meet her gaze once again. She made the mistake of letting her eyes wander down seeing how erect he had become.
She backed away from him saying, “What are you doing?”
“You know exactly what I’m doing,” he replied as he moved even closer allowing his penis to touch her belly.
There was no denying his intended effect was working. “Stop it. You’re a fool…you know that right?”
“Only for you,” he said continuing to stroke himself.
The absurdity of the moment caused her to burst into laughter. Taking her face into his hands he kissed her, pressing his hardness against her.
“Like I said, it’s hard to stay mad when you’re naked. Now do what I say and take off your clothes.”
His tactic had unleashed a playfulness resulting in lovemaking on the living room floor, the kitchen table, the couch and any other surface they could find. They remained naked for the rest of the night. Whatever they argued about was soon forgotten.
Janine wanted to find a similar emotional space with him again. In the midst of her current heartache and pain, she was able to deeply reflect on their relationship over the years. As much as she struggled against true intimacy, she came to recognize the freedom she felt during their sexual explorations was rooted in her profound trust in and love for him. Yet somehow, she hadn’t freed her heart the way she had her body. There was no denying when they were together she felt safe in the midst of her vulnerability. She felt more deeply loved than she could have imagined possible. Continuing to live her life without true love and passion was more frightening than letting go. The revelation was stark.
But she also knew they were vastly different than they were fifteen years earlier. Their careers had evolved significantly and what happened in their personal lives certainly impacted who they were. Janine knew if this was actually going to work, she had to be as forthright as possible with him—no matter how difficult or awkward. Most important, she had to set aside all of her reservations, doubts and fears and let their relationship be what it was meant to be. She had to be emotionally honest with herself and him.
.
CHAPTER 31
After a fairly routine day at the office, she attended a cocktail and dinner party hosted by her mentor and friend Neil Elliott and his wife Michelle. Rather than head home first, she selected a silk blouse from the small closet in the private bathroom in her office. Given the nature of her work, it was always a possibility her plans could change with little notice. So she kept extra sets of clothes, undergarments and an outfit suitable for a black tie affair at the office. She washed up and refreshed her makeup before heading to the Elliott home in the suburbs. As much as she enjoyed their company, the truth was attending this party was simply something to burn the hours until her call with Michael.
The gathering at the Elliott home was pleasant enough with many familiar faces. Janine had become the master of small talk and could command the room if she chose. But since she wasn’t hosting this particular event, she felt more at ease simply enjoying the company of those in attendance. Although they had a lovely chat earlier in the evening, Michelle Elliott approached her.
“Janine, I have to say again how absolutely lovely you look! But I’m a little surprised Ethan isn’t with you tonight.”
She was a little taken aback by the comment. “Thank you, Michelle. I didn’t ask Ethan to join me because I wasn’t sure I’d actually be able to come.”
“We saw him at the Youth Sports Gala. I thought for sure you would have attended that event.”
Slightly amused, it became clear Michelle was trying to subtly check on the status of her relationship with Ethan. The Elliotts introduced them at the youth gala two years prior. Since they began dating, she attended all of the Indianapolis Youth Sports events with him because he served on its board. Michelle was far too polite to just come out and ask. Instead she asked leading questions trying to fill in missing pieces.
To quell Michelle’s curiosity, she said, “I went to Belize for a few days with some dear friends from law school. Ethan was disappointed I couldn’t go this year but he certainly understood. We’ll count ourselves fortunate it’s one of the few events I’ve missed.”
“I see. Well I’m glad you were able to join us tonight. I look forward to seeing him again the next time.”
“I’ll let him know when I see him.”
“Please do!” Moving on to other guests, she seemed completely satisfied.
Admittedly Janine missed having Ethan with her because he was such great company at these types of affairs. He’d always have something comical to say and he could be a real gossip when the mood struck him. He knew who was sleeping with whom and he didn’t mind sharing that information. For those functions
they both dreaded attending, they used ‘rescue signals’ if one of them got cornered by a boor or someone far more annoying. There were even occasions when women who drank a little too much flirted mercilessly with him. He’d signal Janine and she’d come over to ‘claim her man’ by planting a deep kiss on him.
It was all a bit ridiculous, but being together made most required social functions far more bearable. She sighed promising herself regardless of how things evolved with Michael, she didn’t want to hurt Ethan. He was too dear to her. Looking at her watch, it was a little shy of eight forty-five. She arranged to talk to Michael at ten and she had a thirty-minute drive back into the city.
After saying goodbye to Neil and Michelle, she made her way back home. As soon as she got into the house she headed to the bathroom, undressed and took a quick shower. She put on a tee shirt, bed shorts and slipped into her favorite pair of fuzzy slippers. With a few minutes to spare, she got a bottle of wine from the kitchen pouring a glass. Finally settling on the living room couch, she took a deep breath and dialed his number. With each ring, she grew a little anxious but she steadied herself as much as she could. When the phone went to voicemail, she was deeply disappointed, but left a message anyway.
“Hello Michael, it’s Janine. Sorry we couldn’t connect as planned. Ummm…just give me a call when you have a chance. I should be up for another hour or two. Okay…’bye.”
Grabbing her glass and the bottle, she headed to her bedroom. Fuck! She thought gulping her wine. Turning on the TV and scrolling through the guide she was trying to find something that could lull her to sleep. She settled on a favorite sitcom and leaned back into her pillows hoping to take her mind off the range of emotions trying to creep in on her. Taking a few extra gulps, she poured herself another glass of wine. Desperate not to let her imagination run wild with reasons why he wasn’t there to accept the call, she took a long deep breath. As time slowly ticked, she thought about trying to call him again. Deciding against it, she made clear she’d be available to him for at least an hour. If he wanted to return her call—he would. If he didn’t, then she’d have the answer she needed.
Her Love and Regrets (Book I) Page 21