by Lexie Ray
"I know that. I'm only saying we have a good chance of making Forrest butt out of your and Toby's lives for good.”
“That’s just something you don’t understand completely,” she said. “Once you’ve had a child with someone, they never really exit your life.”
“Whatever you need, I’ll do,” I said, persisting. “Do you need help getting a divorce?”
“We were only common law,” she said, tired.
“You have his last name,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, there’s that,” she said. “I thought I would try to work things out with him one time. Went and got my name changed. Got the marriage license and everything. Was ready to ignore all of the hundreds of red flags in order to give Toby a stable home. A real family.”
“Didn’t end well?” I asked, wincing in sympathy.
“One of the worst beatings he ever gave me,” Zoe said, her eyes far away. “Told me I was an idiot for trying to trap him in a marriage, even if he was the idiot who had me trapped. That I shouldn’t have assumed he’d ever want me like that.”
“It sounds like he’s the idiot,” I said gently. “And that you’re the one in control, now.”
“You’re the one who came up with this idea,” she said. “Not me.”
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we don’t let him ruin things for you and Toby.”
“Are you really sure you want this?”
“Zoe …”
“I really need to know, Chance, and you need to be honest with yourself, too.”
She had a point. I knew she had a point. But it was just difficult to be faced with everything like that, all up front, forced to make a decision. Was I sure that I really wanted to marry Zoe? Of course I wasn’t. I’d never been married. I’d never wanted to be married. It wasn’t until recently that I even wanted anything other than for the ranch to succeed. But that other thing I wanted was Zoe. I wanted to be happy, and I was pretty sure that meant being with Zoe. She challenged me and completed me in ways I couldn’t quite define. I didn’t want to define them. They were too special, too wonderful. I knew that marrying her and adopting Toby would be taking a risk, but if the only risk was failure, why not?
“Zoe, I care for you. I am being honest with you, and with myself. Maybe it’s too soon to be married, but we can’t bother ourselves with that right now. This marriage might be strategic, a defensive move in a shit situation, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t care for each other. That we might surprise each other and ourselves down the road that this was actually a better idea than what we gave it credit for.”
Zoe let out a breath she’d been holding. “Are we really doing this?”
“Zoe Holland, I want you to marry me,” I said. “Nothing would make me happier than to take this opportunity to unite our powers together for the greater good. Marry me, and let’s solve the issue that’s facing us.”
She hesitated, and I was afraid that she would actually reject me. What would I do if that were the case? How could I go on living and working here while knowing that Zoe had rejected my help — my love for her? I knew she didn’t want to hear that I loved her. That was too complicated. Sure, we’d known each other for a while now, but we’d only just started exploring our feelings for each other, testing the waters in bed — and other places. No one wanted to hear that a potential partner loved them before they were ready to hear it.
“If you think we can make this work, if you think it’ll be enough to scare Forrest off, then I’ll marry you,” Zoe said finally, putting me out of my misery of anticipation.
“I think we can do this,” I said, kissing her lightly. “I think this is going to work.” I’d never felt so unsure of myself in my life.
It took some doing, but after a prolonged scramble for advice and paperwork and help, Zoe and I had an appointment at the courthouse in town. I put on my cleanest pair of jeans and a button down shirt that had previously only been worn to weddings and funerals and put some gel in my hair, parting it to the side for something different. I usually just let the wind whip it into whatever shape it was going to be in for the day, but this was a special occasion, after all. I was getting officially married, and becoming a father all in one go.
“You ready?” I called upstairs to Zoe, checking my phone for the time, fretful. “I don’t want to be late for something like this. The judge might think we’re irresponsible.”
“If we leave right now, we’ll be an hour early,” she called back. “Relax. I’m almost ready.”
It was worth the wait, seeing her come down those stairs. She’d cleaned and polished a set of cowboy boots to wear, and had paired them with a pink dress that hit her at the knee and complimented her coloring. To ward off the increasing chill in the air, Zoe had picked a dove gray cardigan to wear, and she’d added a thin belt in the same color as some of the detailing on her boots. She’d taken time and care to style her hair down, just the way I liked it, the soft waves falling down past her shoulders. I’d never seen Zoe really dressed up, makeup and all, and I supposed there was never any reason to wear lipstick on a ranch. But this was a treat — magical, wonderful, and delightful. It made me wish that we didn’t live someplace that was so dirty all the time, that required such hard labor to maintain. She could’ve dressed like that every day and I would’ve been so happy.
“Do I look weird?” Zoe asked, biting her bottom lip. “I haven’t put on makeup in forever — well, since Amelia’s wedding, anyway. I think I was a little heavy handed.”
“I think you look perfect,” I said. “You didn’t have to get all dressed up, either.”
“I’m getting married, aren’t I?” she said, walking gingerly down the stairs. “Besides, you’re all dolled up, too. You think I was going to let you try and outshine me today? Hell, no.”
She grinned at me, but her hands shook as she smoothed out the skirt of her dress.
“You’re nervous,” I said.
“You should be, too,” she said, lifting her chin at me. “Marriage isn’t something to enter into lightly, you know.”
“I’m not entering into it lightly,” I told her. “I’m doing it for you, and I’m doing it for Toby.”
“And not a little bit for you?”
I swallowed. “You know I have feelings for you.”
“Marriage isn’t supposed to be an act of desperation.” Zoe looked down at the toes of her boots and I was afraid I was witnessing her talk herself out of it, right in front of me, right before we were due to leave to make it to the courthouse.
“This isn’t an act of desperation.”
“Tell that to all the fathers forcing boys who’ve knocked up their daughters to marry them.”
I sighed. “Are these desperate times? Sure. Would we be doing this if not for the threat that Forrest is presenting right now? Maybe not. But who’s to say that we wouldn’t have eventually fallen in together, anyway? Maybe things are just accelerated a little bit.”
“Maybe. If that’s what you think.”
“Are you having any doubts?” It didn’t matter if my stomach flip-flopped uncomfortably upon asking this question. I needed to know. The last thing I wanted to do was force Zoe into something she didn’t want to do. I wanted to solve problems, not create them.
“Of course I’m having fucking doubts,” she said, flapping her hands a little bit. “Doesn’t everyone have doubts before they get married? I wouldn’t know. This is my first time.”
“Mine, too.”
“Let’s go,” she said quickly. “Let’s go before I decide I can’t do this.”
Was the prospect of being married to me so terrible that she felt like she needed to be trapped into it? If my skin had been any thinner, I might’ve been offended.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” I said cautiously. “I hope you realize that. We don’t have to get married. Not at all.”
“You were right before, and you’re right now. This is the best option to scare For
rest away. I’m just being a big baby.”
Feeling even more doubtful about the situation, I walked her to the truck and helped her inside. I winced a little bit at the mud coating the wheel wells. It had been nice and rainy this fall, and this was a ranch truck, but I should’ve washed it. We were going to get married, for crying out loud, and our transportation looked like a piece of shit.
“Swing by the school, first,” Zoe said, reapplying her lipstick in the rearview mirror even though she didn’t need to. It was like a nervous tic.
“Why the school?” I asked, confused. “I really want to get going to town. It’ll look better for us if we’re early, not late.”
“We’re not going to be late,” she said. “I just want to get Toby.”
“What? Why? What for?”
“Because he’s as involved in this as you and me,” she said, looking at me like I’d suddenly grown another hole in my head. “Because his life is about to change so dramatically. I want him to be a part of everything. For him to understand it.”
“His life won’t change that much,” I protested. “Everything will still be the same.”
“You’ll be his father, Chance,” she said. “That’s about as different as different can be.”
“What I’m saying is that nothing has to change,” I amended. “That if you don’t want anyone to know about us getting married, or me adopting Toby, they don’t have to. This is a private matter, between you and me.”
“You and me and Toby,” Zoe corrected. “You keep forgetting that Toby is a part of this equation.”
“I’m not forgetting that,” I said.
“Then let’s go to the school before heading into town,” she said, hesitating a moment before kissing me lightly on the cheek. “Dammit. I left a lipstick print.”
“I don’t mind.” Her hands still shook as she wiped it from my cheek.
Zoe must’ve prearranged to have Toby sent outside at a certain time, because he was there when we rolled up, scuffing some dress shoes along the sidewalk. He was dressed in a rumpled little suit, tie flapping in the wind, and he had his grubby hands jammed deep in the pants pocket. One of his knees was caked in drying mud. Zoe sighed harshly before throwing the door to the truck open.
“I thought I told you that you needed to stay clean in that new suit today,” she said, marching him inside to sit between us. I tried not to touch him — I didn’t want to get dirty myself.
“I fell when we were playing outside,” he said.
“Bullshit you did,” she snapped, belying her anxiety. “I know full well recess hasn’t happened yet today.”
“We were playing after we got off the bus this morning,” he tried again.
“Wrong answer. You’re supposed to go straight inside once the bus drops you off.”
Toby weighed his options, then appeared to go with the truth. “We didn’t go straight inside. We played for a little while outside.”
“You played for just a little while and you scuffed your shoes up and got this dirty?” Zoe shook her head. “I should never have sent you to school in these nice clothes. Not until you learn how to behave.”
“It was just for a few minutes,” Toby protested. “It was slippery on the sidewalk. I fell into some mud.”
“Obviously,” she said. “And the tie?”
“The wind blew it apart,” he said cautiously, testing the waters.
“You think your mama was born yesterday?”
He lowered his head. “All the kids were teasing me.”
“Well, didn’t you tell all the kids what a special day today was?” She went to work re-knotting the tie, fierce and determined and a little too rough.
“They said I was an accident if my mama wasn’t already married to my daddy,” Toby said.
“What the fuck is wrong with kids?” Zoe exploded, making me jump so hard that the truck swerved a little on the pavement. “Keep it on the road, Chance, Jesus!”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, probably feeling just as cowed as Toby was. “Kids can be pretty lame sometimes.”
“You weren’t an accident,” she told Toby, ignoring me, backing down as soon as the tie was knotted again to her liking. “It’s just that me and Forrest … the daddy who made you … didn’t get along. You didn’t have anything to do with it, and you weren’t an accident. You were wanted.”
“My daddy — Forrest, I mean,” Toby began, glancing shyly up at me, “was pretty mean.”
“He was a mean son of a bitch,” Zoe agreed.
“I like you a lot better,” he assured me, doing little to assuage my nerves.
“I’m glad,” I managed to say, and then the three of us lapsed in to a sorry silence. I wished someone could’ve been a fly on the wall of that pickup truck, heading into town to make significant life changes. All three of us were so pensive it was almost laughable. It wasn’t as if you could ever make a marriage go away, if it didn’t work out. That’s why it was ludicrous that we were all so nervous — at least for Zoe and me. I couldn’t quite pick up on what Toby was feeling. He was probably chagrined for getting fussed at for soiling his clothes, and peeved at the kids who’d made him muss his tie. I didn’t really think that he had it in him to be much more than that. How could you have a concept, at seven going on eight, that your mother was about to get a new husband and you were about to get a new father? Was that concept even something that registered as facts in his mind?
I didn’t have that much time to ponder the point. We were in town faster than I imagined, probably helped along by my lead foot and an unwillingness to be late.
“What’s first?” Zoe asked.
“Marriage first,” I said. “Adoption a little bit later.”
“Same judge?” she asked.
“Small town,” I said, nodding.
“Be on your best behavior, Toby,” she said. “We want everything to go well, right?”
“Right,” he echoed uncertainly. Whatever that meant, probably. There weren’t any mud puddles inside the courthouse, so he likely figured he was good to go. It was hard to get into trouble if there was no trouble to get into.
We didn’t wait long to see the judge for the marriage license.
“I have to say I’m a little surprised,” the judge said, pushing the paperwork in front of us to fill out.
“Surprised, sir?” I repeated, working a finger under my collar to loosen it a little. “Why?”
“You’re a Corbin, aren’t you?” he retorted. “Where’s that enormous family of yours?”
“Everything’s pretty busy on the ranch,” I said. “I’m sure you know how that goes.”
“Sure, I know, but a wedding’s a wedding.”
“We just didn’t want a lot of fanfare, I guess,” I said. “Save everyone’s time and effort and money.”
The judge watched as we reached the part where we signed our names. “Stop there.”
“Is something wrong?” I asked, my pen poised over the paper. Zoe swallowed hard enough for me to notice her throat bob.
“Let’s do this just a little bit right, don’t you think?” the judge asked.
“Is there a wrong way to do it?” Zoe asked, narrowing her eyes balefully.
“What she’s asking,” I cut in quickly, before anyone could lose their tempers, “is if there’s something the matter with just filling out the paperwork.”
“Call me an old romantic, maybe,” the judge said. “But I just think there should be a little fanfare, don’t you? I mean, you folks got all dressed up and drove all the way to town for this. I could do a little ceremony.”
“It won’t interfere with the schedule for later?” I asked. “You know, the adoption.”
“I’m a busy man, but what are we if we can’t find the time for a little romance in our lives?” The judge rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. “Now, is this the best man?”
Toby perked up at being noticed. “What’s a best man?”
“Why, that’s you, my boy,” the judge said.
“You’re here as a witness and supporting everyone.”
“He’s giving me away, too,” Zoe said, ruffling Toby’s hair before remembering what we were here for and smoothing it back down into place. “He’s sort of a go-to best man.
“And you have too many brothers to just pick one for best man,” the judge exclaimed, looking at me.
“I guess … that’s right,” I said. “Yep. They’d all be too jealous of each other.”
They wouldn’t, but I was playing along, trying to make Toby feel important alongside the judge. This was the same man, after all, who was pushing the adoption through for us. He’d also need to be in our corner should the custody battle ever take place. Personally, I was starting to feel like Forrest was full of shit and had only used that as a way to poke at Zoe, but I’d never bring it up with her. Even if someone was bluffing, there wasn’t any reason not to do everything you could to protect a child. This was the best reason, even if the two of us had our own personal doubts.
“All right, then,” the judge said. “Chance Corbin, do you take Zoe Holland to be your wife? Do you promise to cherish her through all things?”
I blinked a couple of times. This little ceremony the judge had planned was making this wedding a lot more real than filling out some paperwork. I was beginning to feel the cold feet that Zoe had been experiencing all morning
“That’s your cue, Chance,” the judge said helpfully.
“I do. I do want to marry Zoe,” I said quickly, glancing over at her. She didn’t meet my eyes.
“And do you, Zoe Holland, take Chance Corbin to be your husband? Do you promise to trust in him in all things?”
“I do,” Zoe said so softly that it was hard to hear her. I was thankful the judge didn’t ask her to speak up.
“And what about you, best man?” the judge asked Toby, surprising all three of us. “What do you think about all of this?”
I bit my tongue and hoped for the best. I wasn’t really sure what it was Zoe had told her son about all of this, but I was sure I was about to find out.
“I think Chance makes my mama happy,” he told the judge, solemn.
“And you? Does Chance here make you happy, too?” The judge looked down at the little boy. “He’s going to be your new daddy, you know.”