A Dollar and A Dream
Page 8
“Want me to join you?”
I wanted to say yes but knew it would delay me getting my day started, so I turned the offer down.
I arrived at the spa an hour and a half later; my sister was waiting in the lobby. We greeted one another with a hug. It felt so good seeing her look healthy.
“You look good,” I told her.
“Thanks to you.”
“Thank yourself, you did the work.”
Our names were called out, interrupting our sister moment. We went to the front desk and were given towels, slippers, and keys for the lockers. We were told to follow the young lady waiting in the hall to the back, to change clothes, and our treatments would begin.
Ten minutes later, I lay on a table, relaxed, waiting on my massage. I closed my eyes and thought back to less than six months ago, when my life was a mess. When I thought that I would just continue struggling with my relationships, my friendships, and my finances.
Little did I know a dream about numbers and a little bit of luck would change my life. What happened? I hit the lottery. Can you believe that shit? Me, a young black girl from the ’hood, who one day decided, what the hell, and bought a ticket, was now a multimillionaire. Life doesn’t get any better than this.
2
Six Months Ago
“Please just get out my face, go outside and play, do something, damn.” These kids were getting on my nerves. I wish Tyrone would come and get their asses so I can get a break. I’m tired of his ass coming and going when he feels like it. Next time he steps through this door, I’m going to let him have it. At least I think I am. I can’t get on his case too much, because he does take care of all three of my kids, and only one is his.
“Girl, when we gonna go out? We haven’t done our thing in a long time,” Shantay asked while puffing on a cigarette.
“You need to put that cigarette out; you know I don’t allow that shit in my house,” I told her sorry ass while rolling my eyes. All she wanted to do was go out and party, like she had nothing better to do. I don’t get it. This bitch has three kids and every single one of them has been taken away by Social Services because of her drug habit. You would think that alone would make her get her life together and try to get her kids back, but hell no, she feels “freer to do her thing.” I don’t know why I put up with her ass. I’m lying, I do know. She’s my sister, and if I don’t love her, no one else will, including herself. I feel like I have to look out for her.
“Shantay, instead of worrying about going out, what you need to be doing is going to a NA meeting and looking for a job, so you can get your kids back.”
“You and those meetings, you think that ever since you started going there, you’re better than me. Well, let me tell you something, you’re not. We come from the same womb, missy.” While telling me a thing or two, she smashed the cigarette out on my plate.
“You know what, you’re trifling. Do you hear me, straight up. I’m just trying to help you out.”
“I didn’t come over here to be helped out or to get a lecture; I just came by to see my niece and nephews. I’m out of here,” she told me and jumped up, ready to walk out the door. I just looked at her, not about to stop her. I already had a headache and her leaving would relieve it just a little. She’s lying anyway; the real reason she came over is to borrow some money. I knew it and so did she, so the second she walked through the door, I went into my “I’m broke as hell” routine.
“All right then, ’bye.”
She walked out of the house, slamming the door behind her. I lay across the couch, said a quick prayer, and hoped the kids wouldn’t come back in the house for another hour or so. I needed time to think and evaluate my life. Where it is now and how I got here. Isis Bray is my name, I’m a mother of three at the ripe young age of twenty-seven, no husband, unemployed, on welfare, and disgusted.
That’s right, disgusted, with me because I allowed myself to be put in this situation, because I allowed myself to get caught up out there, because I allowed my life to go down the drain, and I’m tired of getting sucked in. I’m tired of living below my means. I didn’t have anyone to blame other than myself.
And yes, you heard me right, I did say three kids. One girl, she’s ten, I had her when I was seventeen, and two boys, six and four. Ain’t that some shit. I still can’t believe it. I’ve got my hands full. I have to be honest and tell you that yes, they all have different daddies. Don’t go thinking I’m a whore or anything, because I’m not; I was in love, or what I thought was love, with the first two fathers, and the last one was a mistake, a welcome one.
I’ll tell you a little bit about the first two no-good daddies. Queen, that’s my daughter’s name, her father’s name is Understanding. You heard me right, Understanding; he’s a five-percenter, a God (at least that’s what he thinks) in the Nation of Islam. I met him when I was fourteen and in the ninth grade. I’d just entered high school, he was eighteen, a senior and fine as hell. I had the biggest crush on him. When I think back on it now, I have to laugh at myself about how I use to follow him around and leave love notes in his locker. He knew I had a crush on him, too, because he would tease me by saying, “Just wait until you turn sixteen.” I thought he was playing, so I never asked him what would happen when I did. I just continued to lap after him, meaning you could see my tongue hanging on the floor when he walked in a room.
3
My Babies’ Daddies
Understanding lived around the corner from me and drove a motorcycle. Now you know that made him the man even more. I had built him up to movie-star status. His partner in crime, Dwayne, lived right next door to me, so my head was always out the window. Whenever I heard a motorcycle, I would run to the window and look out, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. This went on for two years.
Eventually I turned sixteen and he was twenty. That night my mother was letting me have a party at my house, and it was going to be off the hook. My sister’s boyfriend was a deejay and she talked him into making some tapes for me. Since I was considered one of the popular girls in school, it was a sure bet that everybody who was anybody would come.
Prior to that day, I dressed like a tomboy, always in jeans and T-shirts. I would refuse to wear skirts and dresses, but since it was my birthday my sister convinced me to wear a skirt. When I looked in the mirror, even I had to admit that I looked rather good.
The party was packed. I was dancing with one of the guys on the football team when a slow song came on and I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I was surprised to see Understanding with flowers and a gift in his hand.
“Happy birthday, beautiful,” he said while handing me my gift.
I was flustered and surprised.
“I know I wasn’t invited but didn’t think you’d mind.”
“Of course I don’t mind, I didn’t invite you because I didn’t think you would come.”
“Well, I’m here and you’re sixteen.”
“Yep, sure am.”
“You know what that means, right?”
“No, what?”
“That I can take you out now.”
The smile I gave him must have spread across my whole face. Finally, I was going to go out with him. It would have to be on the sneak tip, though, because my mom would surely freak once she found out. Especially with him being twenty, a grown-ass man. I was ready to leave my party that second if it meant I could be alone with him.
“So when do you want to take me out?” I asked him, trying to sound like an adult, and sexy. I think I even batted my eyes.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“I’m ready when you’re ready.”
“How about I pick you up from school Monday and we’ll hang out afterwards.”
“I have to do something after school. How about we hang out during the day.”
“What about school?”
“What about it?” I was being bold as hell. I knew I would have to cut school. Shantay would look out for me; I’d looked out for her plent
y of times.
“Girl, are you out of your mind?” Shantay asked me Sunday night, when I told her my plans about not going to school.
“No. I like him, that’s all, I want to chill with him.”
“He’s too old for you.”
“Why you gonna be like that? I thought you was my friend.”
“I am your friend. I’m just saying, he’s too old and too experienced for you to be playing with. You’re sixteen and still a virgin.”
“So what’s that got to do with anything?”
Rolling her eyes, Shantay said, “You cannot be that naïve. Understanding would like to get in them panties, it’s as plain as day. Why else would a twenty-year-old be interested in a sixteen-year-old?”
“How about because I’m cute, because I’m nice, because he knows how long I’ve liked him. If all he really wanted to do is have sex with me, he would have tried to get it a long time ago, but he didn’t. So now, talk what you know and not what you think.”
“You’re stupid. I can’t believe you honestly think what you say is true. I know that no matter what I say, you’re going to do what you want to do. I won’t rat you out to Ma, but remember he’s a man and you’re not yet a woman, so instead of trying to be grown, you need to be careful.”
It was too late for that. I already knew that he would be the one I gave my virginity up to. All my friends were doing it and it was time for me to do it, as well. I was ready and willing and I wanted Understanding to be the one.
Monday finally rolled around and I had him meet me on the side of the school. He was driving a Jeep Wrangler.
“Ohhh. Whose Jeep?” I asked while climbing in.
“Mine. I picked it up this weekend. You like it?”
“Of course.”
He eyed me up and down, then placed his hand on my thigh. “You look nice.”
Blushing, I told him, “Thanks.” I had on my sister’s black miniskirt, no stockings, some pumps and a white T-shirt with my name across the front. I’d shaved my legs for the first time that morning.
He started rubbing my thigh. “So how does it feel to be almost grown?”
I laughed and said, “It feels nice.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know. Wherever you want to go.”
“You want to go to my house?”
I knew he lived with his father. The rumor was that his mother left them for another man. “Where’s your father?”
He looked at me with a smirk and said, “He’s away, not that it matters. We don’t get in each other’s way.”
“Well, let’s go,” I said in a bolder tone than what I felt.
When we reached his house, I followed him inside and we went into the kitchen.
“Are you hungry? Want me to make you something to eat?”
I was too nervous to eat so I told him no.
He sat across from me at the table and smiled. “You’re pretty, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“How do you know I don’t?”
“Are you saying you do?”
“No.”
“Have you ever had one?”
“No.” I looked down at my hands.
“Have you ever had sex?”
“No.”
He didn’t say anything after that. Not wanting to turn him away, I looked up and told him that I wanted him to be my first. Just like that, put it on the table, no beating around the bush or anything.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Standing up, he told me to go sit in the living room, turn on the television, and that he’d be right back. I did as he instructed, and after about ten minutes he reappeared and said to follow him.
We ended up in his bedroom, where he’d lit candles and had some Bobby Brown playing in the background. I was scared out of my mind, ready to run out of the house. My mind was telling me no, to leave, but my body was telling me yes, to stay.
Understanding took my hand and led me to the bed. We sat down. “Don’t be scared. I’ll be gentle,” he told me, and leaned over and started kissing me. I’d kissed three boys prior to him but those kisses were nothing like his. He did things with his tongue I didn’t know could be done. I found myself moaning and reaching over to touch his penis through his pants. It felt big. I also could feel myself getting moist.
Standing up, Understanding told me to lay back. I did, and he proceeded to undress me. He started licking and sucking on my nipples, then he headed toward my stomach and I felt his tongue between my thighs. I jumped up and tried to push him away.
“Wait, wait.”
Looking up at me, he laughed and said, “Relax, baby, you’re going to like what I’m about to do. I told you I’d be gentle and I meant it. I’m going to make your first time like the movies.”
I believed every word he said. I allowed my body to relax. I told myself to not be so uptight. When he put his tongue inside me, I swear I thought I was about to cry. I felt this wave come over me; it felt like I was in the ocean and being carried out to sea. The next thing you know, I was screaming out loud and he was taking his clothes off and climbing on top of me.
“It’s going to hurt at first, but you’ll get use to it.”
I looked down at his penis and panicked. There was no way that was going inside me. I immediately tightened up.
“Don’t tighten up, relax, kiss me.”
As he pushed inside me, tears fell down my cheeks; I fell in love, and he knew he had me from that moment on.
For the next year I was a woman possessed. I couldn’t get enough of him. I wanted to be with him every day, every second. I lived and breathed that man. He dogged me out, too. I would get into arguments and fights over him with older women and girls my age. I was out of control.
Finally I devised a plan to keep his ass, and that was to get pregnant. I thought if I had his baby, then surely he would treat me right. For a while, he did just that. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it made him feel more like a man that he was going to become a daddy. Whatever it was, all he talked about was the fact that I was carrying his seed and he was going to teach his son this and teach his son that. I was in my glory; he got us a little apartment with the money he was making from dealing drugs, and convinced me to get Section 8 and welfare.
“I’ll take care of you. You don’t have to work, but you can still get paid by the system and have a little extra spending money,” he told me.
He was my master and I was willing to do everything he told me to do. It was as if I was a puppet and he was pulling all the strings. The day finally came when I went into labor and he was nowhere to be found. My mother, who was dying from cancer, and my sister, who by now was getting high occasionally, were like, “I told you so.” The thing is, they did; they kept saying that Understanding wasn’t any good, they kept questioning what kind of man would make his woman get on welfare, and finally when he didn’t show up for Queen’s birth, they just straight out told me I was stuck on stupid. He showed up three days later, all apologetic and shit. I was too tired to argue. I went through hell with that man.
For two years, I put up with his bull, and my only escape was when he got busted and thrown in jail, where he remains for ten years on charges of possession of drugs with the intent to distribute.
My second child’s name is Trey Jordan (TJ for short) and his daddy Trey Senior was a piece of work. When Understanding got locked up, I swore off relationships. I didn’t want to be bothered with another man. I was going to school trying to get my GED, because I’d dropped out following behind Understanding’s ass and just taking care of Queen.
I met Trey at my daughter’s ghetto-ass day care. I hated leaving her there, but it’s what Social Services paid for. Trey would be there picking up his son. I have to admit, I’d noticed him before and never spoke because his son’s mother was always with him, and she would give me the evil eye. I was about tired of that. I had made up my mind that the next time she looked at me wrong, I would say somet
hing.
Well, the day finally arrived when I’d had enough; my sister was getting on my last nerve. The night before, she came over and asked me to baby-sit her daughter for a couple of hours. I said yes and her ass never came back. It’s a good thing her daughter, Kenta and Queen went to the same day care or I would have missed class. I’d got into an argument at school with Understanding’s sister, YoYo, who wanted to know how come I never took Queen to see her father in jail. I told her it wasn’t any of her fucking business. I wasn’t and didn’t plan on taking Queen to see him in that place. It wasn’t because I was being a bitch, it was because the one time I did take her, there were two other girls there to see him and one of them had a kid with her around the same age as Queen whom she claimed was Understanding’s. I didn’t have time for the nonsense.
Anyway, by the time I got to the day care I was fed up and ready to bust someone upside the head. I went to sign Queen and Kenta out and bumped right into Trey.
“Excuse me,” I told him.
“That’s okay,” he replied.
I went to walk around him, but he wouldn’t move.
“Um, can you move out of my way?” I asked with irritation in my tone.
“As soon as you tell me your name.”
I looked over his shoulder and asked, “Where’s your girlfriend, I’m sure she’d want to know my name, too.”
“We broke up.”
“You were just here together yesterday.”
“And?”
“And you expect me to believe that you broke up?”
“Damn, girl, all I asked you for was your name. If I thought it was going to be all this, I wouldn’t have.” He turned to walk away but I stopped him.
“It’s Isis.”
“I’m Trey.”
After that day we would talk for a few minutes each time we saw one another. He would ask me out and I’d say no. I was trying not to get involved with anyone. Eventually loneliness got the best of me and I accepted his invite. That invite turned into another, and the next thing you know he’d moved in with me and I was pregnant once again, this time with TJ. Why didn’t I have an abortion, you may wonder. I don’t know, only thing I can say is the thought never crossed my mind.