“Call me back,” Suz whispers.
“I will. It’ll just be a minute.” I break the connection.
Judd lifts his hand to the back of my neck. “What’s up?” Grinning, he glances at his lap. “Besides the obvious, I mean.”
I can’t help myself; I look down, too, then up again. Quick. I’m glad it’s dark in the car so Judd can’t see my face, which I’m sure is bright red. Or maybe he can. He laughs quietly, and I wonder if I’ll ever breathe right again, if my heartbeat will ever slow down. “It’s my mom. She…um…she’s running a fever. She needs me to bring her some medicine.”
Each new lie is easier than the one before. It’s as if I’ve had this hidden talent for deception all my life, but didn’t figure out how to use it until this year. I’m not sure how I feel about that, proud that I have something in common with Dad, or ashamed.
“Man, your mom must really be sick if she can’t even get her own medicine.”
“She is.”
He moves closer, leans over me, presses me into the back of the seat again, his chest against mine, crushing the jellyfish his fingers crept toward only moments ago. I’m dizzy with dread at the thought of Judd’s reaction if he finds out the truth. I’ll die from humiliation.
“Come back out,” Judd whispers. His mouth brushes across my lips, soft as butterfly wings, making me even dizzier, confused. How can you crave something and dread it, too?
“I need to study.”
“Please.” His tongue feels warm and wet against my lips, soft and irresistible.
I force myself to reach for the door handle. “Not tonight.”
He grasps my arm. “Tomorrow night, then. I’ll pick you up.”
“No!” I catch my breath as his brows pull together. “I mean, I’ll meet you. At The Beat. I’ll go with Suzanna.”
Judd’s fingers press into my flesh, not enough to hurt, but enough to get my attention. “I want you to go with me.”
I turn to the window, look out at the house. Maybe it’s time I stood up to Mom for once. Show her I’m not her baby, anymore. What can she say? It’s not like I’ve never been on a date; I have. Before we moved here. School dances. Once with two other couples to a movie. She and Judd will meet, then we’ll leave before either one of them can say too much. Before she figures out how old he is, or he figures out how young I am.
I turn to Judd. “Okay. Be here at seven. I warn you, though, my mother still thinks I’m seventeen.”
He grins and gives me another kiss before I open the door. “See you tomorrow night.”
“I’ll be ready.”
My knees shake as I step from the car and, when I stand, I feel a weight drop from my chest. Seriously. I press my forearm across my waist just in time to catch the silicone insert before it slips free of my shirt and falls to the ground.
“Suz?”
“Tell me everything!”
I kick off my pink flip-flops. “We made out in his car in front of the house.”
“Shut up!”
“I’m serious.” Pulling the phone from my ear for a second, I tug my T-shirt over my head. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Everything got completely crazy. I mean, he had his hand under my shirt and I was wearing Katie’s stupid fake boobs and—”
“Ohmigod! What did he say?”
I toss the silicone blobs onto the bed. “Thanks to your phone call, he didn’t make it far enough north to discover that what he thinks are the Grand Tetons are really the Great Plains.”
Suz giggles. “What do you mean, thanks to my call? Fake boobs or not, you would’ve stopped him.” When I stay quiet for a few seconds, she says, “You would’ve stopped him. Right, Erin? You hardly know the guy.”
I puff out my cheeks, let the air seep slowly from between my lips. “I don’t know, Suz. I mean, everything was happening so fast, and I wasn’t thinking about anything but…”
Dropping to the edge of the bed, I close my eyes and clutch the phone tighter. “Oh, God. What am I going to do? I said I’d go out with him tomorrow night. He thinks I’m something I’m not. Someone I’m not. And when I’m with him, I am. I don’t even know myself. I wish I’d never let you talk me into dressing up like some hoochie and going to The Beat.”
“He’s not picking you up at the house, is he?”
“That’s the plan. I’m taking your advice and standing up to Mom.” I imagine Mom’s expression when she sees Judd, and my stomach clenches. He looks his age. I’ll have to get him in and out of here fast.
“She might surprise you. Your mom seems pretty cool and laid-back about most things.”
“She is. Except when it comes to me. Since she and Dad split, her friends have been meeting over here about once a month for dinner. You should hear what they laugh about when they think I’m not listening. Sex…men. You wouldn’t believe some of the jokes they tell after a couple of pitchers of margaritas.”
Suz laughs. “Maybe you should get her drunk before Judd shows up.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“It’ll be okay, Erin. Just stay firm with your mom and keep your head on straight with Judd.”
“Easy for you to say. You haven’t kissed him.”
“Wow.” Suz sighs. “That good, huh?”
“Better.” I sigh, too. “Maybe I should just tell him I want to slow down. That I just want to have some fun and not get so serious.”
“Erin…I forget how little you know about guys. They don’t see things like we do. I promise you that in Judd’s mind y’all were just having some fun.”
I hear a click click click at her end of the line, like her fingernail taps against the phone. “If you’re really worried about what might happen,” she continues, “then maybe you should just end it now. Call Judd and tell him you can’t go. From what I saw of him the other night, I figured he might be a player. I just didn’t want to say anything until I was sure since I could tell you liked him so much.”
“But I don’t want to end it.” I fall back onto the pillows. “That’s what’s so crazy. I mean, I’m afraid of what’s happening, but I like it, too.”
For a few seconds, all I hear is Suzanna’s breathing, then, “Tell me when and where you’re going tomorrow night. I’ll show up and watch out for you. You know,” her voice changes to a teasing tone, “in case I have to step in and slap some sense into you.”
I sit up. “Would you really show up? I’d feel so much better if you were there.”
“Are you kidding? You know me. I live to snoop in other people’s business.”
CHAPTER 7
At seven the next night, I’m watching out my window when Judd pulls up. I throw on my jean jacket to hide my inflated chest then wobble on my spiked heels toward the entry hall.
In the den, Nana sits on the sofa with Mom, teaching her how to knit. “Is he here?” My grandmother sounds more excited than me. Which is no big surprise, since I’m mostly terrified.
“Yeah.” I don’t stop to look at them. “Stay there. I’ll get the door.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Mom stand and start toward me.
Nana squeals like a twelve-year-old girl at a slumber party. “I can’t wait to meet him.”
“I can’t, either,” Mom says from behind me.
The bell rings. I reach for the doorknob.
“I can’t…Wait!”
The change in Mom’s voice stops me.
“Erin Dupree, don’t you dare open that door. Turn around. What are you wearing?”
I look at her over my shoulder. “Mom, don’t do this to me. Not in front of Judd.”
Her expression looks the same as the day Dad moved out. My heart twists. I don’t want to be anything like him, but maybe it’s in my genes to hurt the people who love me, to lie and deceive. Did Dad feel trapped by her expectations like I do? Is that why he left?
“Where did you get those boots?”
I glance down at the red leather.
“Your hair…your face…you look�
�”
“My age, for once, instead of like a little girl.”
She makes a strangled sound. “Not unless you’re a teenaged hooker.”
I turn my back to her and throw open the door. “Oh, hi, Judd!” His grin falls and his eyes widen when I grab his arm and pull him inside. “Meet my mom.”
“Hello.” He nods at her then gives me a sideward glance when she doesn’t answer.
“And there’s my grandma.” I point. “See? Peeking around the corner?”
Nana steps out. “Hello, Judd. I’m Belle Lamont, Erin’s grandmother.” She smiles. “It’s so nice to meet you.”
Judd clears his throat. “You, too, Mrs. Lamont.”
Nana adjusts her glasses. “So you’re a classmate of Erin’s?”
“No, I go to—”
“We met through Suzanna.” I nudge Judd toward the open door. “Don’t wait up for me!”
Mom snaps out of her zombielike state. “Just a minute.”
I sigh. I guess her developing a sudden case of laryngitis was too much to hope for. “What?”
“We need to talk.” Her eyes narrow to slits. “Now.”
My insides quiver like Jell-O, but there’s no way I’m backing down. I narrow my eyes, too, and stare right back at her. “Wait for me in the car, Judd, I’ll be right out.”
“Sure.” He glances from Mom to Nana and says, “Nice to meet you.”
I close the door behind him.
“You’re not going out looking like that.” Mom’s voice rumbles, like she’s about to erupt. “You’re not going out period. Not with him. He smells like an ashtray. He must be twenty years old.”
I cross my arms. “Almost twenty-one. And I am going out.”
Mom stares at me like I’m a stranger. One she doesn’t trust. But behind her disapproval, I see more. Fear and confusion. For once, my smart mom the therapist, the woman with all the answers, doesn’t know what to do.
For a second, I feel myself waver. We’ve always been close, too close, maybe. She’s always been so proud of me, but there’s no way I can ever live up to her dreams. I’ve made myself crazy trying, and what did it get me? Nothing but a bunch of perfect grades that don’t mean much to anyone but her.
Well, no more. I’m finally doing something just for me. I open the door again. “See ya.”
She grabs my arm. “Erin…you are not leaving this house.”
I jerk away. “Watch me.”
“Now, Cecilia…Erin…” Nana steps between us. “Arguing won’t accomplish anything. You two talk this over rationally like the grown women you are.”
“Erin is not a grown woman, Mother. She’s—”
“Almost eighteen,” Nana interrupts. “The age I was when your father and I became engaged.”
Mom jabs a finger at Nana. “Don’t you dare take her side!”
“I’m not taking anyone’s side, Sugar.” Nana blinks worried eyes at Mom, then smiles at me, but looks all nervous and twitchy, like it’s up to her to smooth things over and she’s not sure she can. “Erin, why don’t you run and wash your face and change into something more appropriate. I’ll go tell Judd you’ll be a while.”
I shake my head. “Sorry, Nana.” Then I close the door and walk toward Judd’s idling car as fast as my spiked-heel boots will carry me.
The second I slip in beside him, my cell phone rings. I pull it from my purse, look at the display, see that the call’s from our home number. Mom or Nana. I turn off the sound.
Judd pulls away from the curb. “What was that all about?” He offers me a cigarette.
Music blares from the stereo speakers. I shake my head “no” and stare out the window. “My mom.” I huff a laugh. “She’s certifiable.”
“She really does act like you’re still in high school.”
“More like middle school.”
The scent of burning tobacco drifts to me, followed by a swirl of smoke. Trying not to cough, I look across at Judd. Now’s the first time I’ve seen him when it’s not pitch dark. The cigarette’s propped in one corner of his mouth. A tiny white scar slices his tan forehead, right above his right brow. His eyes look a little sleepy. Steering the car with one broad hand, he taps the wheel with the other. He looks sort of dangerous, like everything forbidden but tempting wrapped up in one hot package. For me.
Judd takes the cigarette from his mouth and grins. I melt inside.
Tonight will be worth any torment Mom puts me through as punishment. I refuse to worry about her or anything else.
Judd reaches across and unbuckles my seat belt. “Come here.”
I smile and slide closer to him.
No worries. None at all.
Twenty minutes later, we’re inside The Beat, standing in line to pay our cover, and I don’t see Suzanna anywhere. What if she doesn’t show up? What if Mom followed us? What if I see someone I know and Judd finds out I’m a fake?
What if…what if…what if? So much for no worries.
The club throbs with sound. “Judd…that’s not Suz’s cousin checking—”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve got you covered.” He pulls an ID from his pocket and hands it to me.
The name and address on the laminated driver’s license aren’t mine. The photo, either, but the girl and I look enough alike that anyone glancing at the picture would think I’ve just changed my hair. The year of her birthday makes her twenty-one.
Judd leans down to my ear. “Memorize it.” He nods toward the guy at the front of the line who’s checking IDs and collecting money. “In case he drills you.”
I don’t want to do this, but what can I say? He thinks I’m as wild as my outfit. Admitting to him that I’m afraid of getting caught, that I don’t drink anyway, would pretty much clue Judd in that I’m not the girl I’ve pretended to be. He’d dump me right here.
Taking a deep breath, I repeat my alias name, address and birth date over and over again in my mind, telling myself I’m only queasy because of the loud music and the thick smoke blanketing the room. I was nervous last week when I came here with Suz, but tonight’s worse. Tonight I’m Judd’s date. I’m breaking a law so that I can drink. And Suzanna’s not beside me, giving me courage and keeping an eye on me.
When we reach the front of the line, the guy doesn’t ask any questions. He glances at the ID, at me, then does the same with Judd and takes our money. I drop the license into my purse.
A wire cage decorated with colored twinkle lights hangs suspended above the center of the dance floor. Identical cages dangle from every corner of the room. Girls dance inside of them, dressed in retro clothes; shiny white patent leather boots, skintight neon pink hip-hugging short shorts, fishnet stockings, bikini tops. Glow-in-the-dark paint covers every inch of exposed flesh; peace signs, flowers and other symbols, reminding me of the Austin Powers movies.
Judd holds my hand and leads me through the crowd toward an empty table. I scan every face we pass, looking for Suz, my pulse pumping along with the music. I recognize a couple of guys from school. A football player whose name I don’t know. A blond guy from my English class last year. They wouldn’t know me. We never talked, but I remember the blonde being sort of a cutup. Funny and cute, but out of my league. What guy isn’t? At least when I’m the real me, the other half of my newly split personality.
Judd pulls out a chair. “How’s this?” When I nod and sit, he settles in across from me, waves a waitress over and orders a beer, then asks what I want.
I blurt the first thing that pops into my mind. “A lemon-drop martini.” Once, I saw a movie where the main character drank them. They sounded good. Besides, maybe the lemon will disguise the taste of the alcohol. And the glasses seemed small compared to a beer can. Surely I can down a couple without getting wasted.
When the waitress leaves, Judd leans across the table and smiles at me. “You look hot tonight.”
“Thanks.” It’s hard to breathe for reasons other than the smoke. I am hot, but not the way he means. His eyes make my s
kin burn. And the room is stuffy.
“Why don’t you take off your jacket?”
I feel like I’m losing my last link to safety as I slip out of the denim and drape it over the back of my chair.
When I look up, Judd’s eyeing my chest. The corner of his mouth spasms. He pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights up.
For some reason, I don’t know what to do with my hands. I cross my arms, uncross them. Lace my fingers together on the tabletop then lower them to my lap. I nod at the pack that Judd tossed center table. “I think I will have one of those.”
“Help yourself.”
My hand shakes as I pull out a cigarette and stick it between my lips. I don’t think Judd notices. He lifts his lighter and strikes a flame. I’ve watched other people smoke, so I know what to do. Suck on the filter until the tip glows orange, draw smoke into my mouth. I stop short of inhaling. Still, I cough on the exhale. “The strep,” I rasp, squinting through the haze at Judd. “My throat’s still raw.”
He laughs then looks past me, raising a hand. “Hey!” He pushes back his chair and stands. “I see some friends. Be right back.”
My coughing fit starts the second he’s out of earshot. I hold the cigarette to my side and gulp in gasps of air not much clearer than what I sucked through the filter. After another practice hit, then another and another, I’m finally able to pretend-smoke without the cough.
As the waitress delivers our drinks, Judd heads back to the table with two guys trailing behind him. He introduces us and they start to sit, but we’re one chair short. “No problem, dude,” Judd says to the guy left standing. “Erin can sit with me.” He scoots my drink in front of him.
The two guys stare as I push out of my chair, walk around the table and lower myself onto Judd’s lap. It’s like I’m the main character in a play, or something. Suz, where are you? Finally I know how she must feel all the time. It’s not like I thought, all this male attention. I feel divided; the new, wild, carefree me loves it, while the old, sensible, careful me wants to escape to someplace safe and hide. It’s just like when Judd kisses me; I’m excited and uneasy at the same time. I feel powerful in a weird sort of way, but uncomfortable, too. I mean, a little attention is nice. But this is too much. How do I act? I feel exposed.
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