A wave of shock hit her. She cringed. “On purpose?” She untangled herself from the blankets and scrambled off the bed. The darkness of the room bore the bleakness of her life.
“You are the selected one, Sarma, to be the mother and the one to birth Auseklis, the Morning Star of vampires. You are the conduit to save the vampire species from extinction.”
“You intentionally got me pregnant? How? I was using birth control.”
“Human birth control is useless against vampire genes. I couldn’t give you diseases though because I can’t get or give any. But Sarma, you’re more than an obligation to me. I didn’t want it to be a one-time thing. Don’t you remember my words? I told you that morning I wanted things to be different. And I meant it. I despise duty and never wanted you involved like this. What should I do about my coven? My kind?”
Useless? That’s how it happened. Sarma winced inwardly. “I meant nothing. What were you going to do? Leave me to raise him on my own? Take the child?” Livid didn’t even begin to describe how she felt. An urge to hit him, scratch him, bite him, overwhelmed her.
“We would have made arrangements.” He sat up, jamming a hand through his hair.
“Arrangements?” The word splintered from her lips.
“It's impossible to explain to an outsider. Everything I say sounds insane because you don't understand us.” He shoved himself against the headboard.
“Insane is right.” She stomped across the room. “Explain it to me. I'm not an outsider anymore. What sort of arrangements?”
“I’ve already said too much. You won't understand. And if I tell you, you'll never want to see me again.” He sealed his lips, pressing them together again.
“Not telling me is worse. If you don't tell me, I guarantee you will never see me ever, ever again. And you can forget me helping your coven. I have choices here, Reinis. What do you have to lose?”
Suddenly, he was a hair’s width from her face.
“Everything.”
It frightened her the way he moved, but the feelings she detected through the imprint were worse. The weight of his words crushed him as much as it did her.
“I risk losing everything. My family. My coven. You are everything, Sarma. But now, I understand. I have to tell you.” He buried his face into his palms, growling, and then met her eyes again. “We were going to take Auseklis and raise him among us. You were never going to see him—”
“Heartless animal! Selfish, cruel—who are you?” She shoved him away.
“Animal is no insult to me. A wolf mates to propagate their species, to survive. They only kill out of necessity. I never intended to fall . . . to feel like this!” His words blasted forward.
“Fall? Fall in love with me? Is that what you're saying? Is this how vampires treat someone they love? At least a wolf raises its own pups.”
“In its own pack. Humans are not our pack.” He closed his eyes shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe he just said that.
“Not your pack? Then what the hell am I?”
“You’re different, Sarma, that’s what you are. I’m trying to explain. If we don't do our duty, our species will die out. Do you know how many of our females have been slaughtered by humans? How many children we lose before they’re born? We need to supplement our species with yours, but there are strict rules around reproduction. We are not supposed to . . .” He bowed his head.
“What? What aren't you supposed to do?” Sarma pushed him aside and crossed the room.
“Fall in love with humans, Sarma. It's agonizing for me. Don’t you see? I love you.”
Like a bullet puncturing her chest, his words hollowed her.
“Do you understand how devastating it is to lose a child? What kind of monsters break a mother’s heart?” She collapsed on the bed, trying to come to terms with . . . with . . .
“That is why procreation is a duty of survival, not about love. We are not supposed to get involved. Ever.” He moved toward her.
“Clearly, I am very involved. And so are you. You bastard, you were going to use me and then throw me away!” Sarma’s voice raised. “I am not someone's duty. Get out.”
Reinis stood gaping at her as if paralyzed.
“I said get out,” she screamed. “Get out! Get out! Get out!” She sprang up and pointed to the door.
“I know you hate me, Sarma, but it’s not that easy. I have a sworn obligation. I can’t leave. Gatis or the others will find you. They will force you to have Auseklis their way.”
“I am not to be used for reproduction. I’m leaving. Right now! Fuck you. Fuck all of you.” She gathered her things. “I won't let any of you have me. Not now. Not ever.”
Reinis grabbed Sarma’s arm. “You think it's easy for me to love someone I can't be with? I feel everything you do. Your agony. Your despair. You don't think it destroyed me when you lost the baby?”
“Selfish! You, you, you! That's all you talk about!” Exasperated, Sarma pulled her arm from him, grabbed her valise, and started jamming her belongings into the bag.
Reinis lifted her up and carried her to the bed. She pulled a blanket over her body, shielding her face. “Sirsniņa, please,” he pleaded.
“What did you call me?” Glaring, she peeled back the blanket.
“Little heart, you’re my little heart.”
“I’m not anything to you, now go.” Sarma hid again.
“Sarma,” he cried out.
He paced the room for several minutes.
“I have something of yours. I wanted to give it to you. I'll leave it on the bedside table. But Sarma, remember what I told you, no matter what, I'm not leaving you.”
The water in the bathroom turned on then off, the front door opened and closed, and footsteps moved away from the cabin, but by both the crunching of gravel and the feeling of the imprint, he was close. Sarma pulled back the cover to see what he had left. It was the silver disk the elder woman had gifted her. She had forgotten it on the beach.
Darkness descended into her heart, extinguishing the tiny hope she’d held when she’d fantasized about seeing Reinis again. Her body shook with grief; tears gushed from her eyes. Despite her devastation, she couldn’t deny she’d exchanged a piece of her heart with his. From the first time they saw each other to this very moment, she had fallen in love. There was no way she would ever forget him.
Chapter 28
After a while, Sarma fell asleep but woke up at 4:00 a.m. Reinis paced somewhere outside, patrolling the cabin. Pretending he wasn’t there, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
When she finally awoke, she lay in bed considering where things now stood. Why hadn’t she been given a chance to decide if she wanted to be a mother for Reinis’ child? Granted, if they had asked her, she would have said no. Who would volunteer to have a baby with a vampire? Except Reinis was so much more than that.
Tossing and turning, she stared into her silent room. Deception was the problem. Reinis lied to her about his life and who he was. He even made it seem like he enjoyed her on the beach, yet she was nothing but an assignment. He didn’t just seem to like it, every caress and whisper proved he savored their time together. His feelings were real when they made love.
Torn between loving Reinis and hating him, she climbed out of bed. She hurried around the room searching for her things and jammed everything into her bag. By the time she finished, she was broken and numb. Laima’s bag lay on the floor by the couch, which she didn’t have the heart to leave behind.
This trip was meant for her to feel better, not worse. She and Reinis loved each other, but what sense did it make if they couldn’t be together. He left her heart a burned out fireplace.
The day Reinis appeared on the grassy knoll above the beach, she had already fallen for him. In fact, the first night she laid eyes on him she became completely taken with him. She’d always been silently miserable. She just didn’t want to admit it.
Hugging the highway’s curves as she drove north, she headed toward San
Francisco. She sensed Reinis following her as she drove, though she never saw him. In the beginning, she and Derek seemed to have a lot in common, but these things, she understood now, were only on the surface. Reinis was different. Their connection reached deep into the center of her heart. When he hovered above her, the imprint doubled in size, but it wasn’t only her body reacting. A yearning to share intimacy surfaced. She was in love with Reinis, something she never experienced with Derek.
On the beach, Reinis was tender, passionate, and loving. The way her body, mind, and heart opened to him was beyond her control, beyond logic. Being with Derek had been a shadow, a plastic replica of what life could be.
Afternoon rain pattered the windshield. She gripped the wheel until her knuckles were white. Why did Reinis come back? Just to ruin her life? If he was there to protect her, why did he tear her down? Sarma continued home, the downpour distracting her as she drove across the Golden Gate Bridge navigating the narrow lanes.
She had to admit, a large part of her wanted him at her side, wrapping his arms around her, easing her aching body and heart. Damn it, Reinis. She smacked her hand on the steering wheel and turned up the radio to forget Reinis.
Her tires crunched over wet rocks on the driveway as she pulled up to the house. Derek's car was there. Her stomach tightened as she trudged up the porch stairs. Without greeting him, she found her place on the couch, unable to cry. Her mind and heart empty, she stared in the darkness of the house. Numbness replaced any last warmth she had from her moments with Reinis. She could live with numb. Just as long as it didn’t hurt.
~ * ~
Reinis pushed his food around his plate, then glanced at the view out the window. He should enjoy the sight of the stunning Golden Gate Bridge, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t enjoy anything.
“Reinis, what did you do?” Laima's eyes widened. She turned away covering her forehead with her hand.
“Tu nesaproti, mammu. You don't understand. She cried, begging me to tell her everything. She was desperate and terrified—and refused to help us unless I told her everything.”
“There are reasons for our oaths, for everything we do. We knew Sarma would not understand. She doesn't know how delicate the balance is. The next chance we have is Winter Solstice. Then the window closes. How are we going to convince her now?”
He dropped the clean fork onto the table top, tossing his napkin after it. Of course, he had zero answers for her. Because he planned on none of this. Everything spun out of control, further and further beyond his reach.
“Humans aren't good at adapting to us, Reinis, you know this. We discovered that long ago. Do you know how many people ended their lives after becoming vampires? Faced with having to drink blood for their rest of their lives, they can’t reconcile their previous self with the new one. If they don’t kill themselves, they lose their minds. That's why we’ve been forced to produce half-bloods. Do you think as a mother I like this arrangement with humans? I never did. But we tried alternatives, and they failed.” She sighed. “It’s hurt us to create vampires and watch them go insane. If they didn't lose their minds, they fragment when they realize their children are half vampire.”
Reinis sank his head onto the table.
“Did you join with her sexually?” Laima's eyes flashed anger.
“No, I did not.” He shot up again. “Since I met Sarma, I've had the feelings, tried to control them, but everything that happens brings us closer. Even being apart from her makes me think of her more.” Shaking, he covered his face. “She said if I respected her, I needed to confess the truth. As a female, wouldn’t you agree? Now she's enraged. She won't see me. I don't want to hurt her anymore, Mammu. She's in love with me, too.”
With his last words, he didn’t dare look up at his mother. He buried himself deeper and deeper. The fact that she also held an elder position never left his mind. And he hadn’t even mentioned Gatis discovered the imprint.
“If it were between you and her, it would be right. But you must ask yourself what is best for your coven. For all vampires. The greater good always comes before the individual. You have a duty. Does she understand your responsibility?”
“I explained, but it made her angrier. She said I was selfish.” He wiped his face.
“Reinis, I can't change your duty. The elders will ask me why, and if they find out your punishment will be heavy. Watch over her but do not let her see you.” Laima shook her head.
“I've never seen our decrees clash with the dreams in such a horrible way,” Laima continued. “Guard yourself around other vampires. They will know you imprinted someone, but don’t ever admit who. Stay away from her. And don't even think of crossing her over to a vampire. We cannot risk her losing her mind. Besides, you haven’t been trained in the art of creating adult vampires. And I don’t plan on showing you.”
Now she said it herself. The imprint. He needed to warn her that Gatis knew. Had a responsibility to do so. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a thing. Not now. He’d tell her soon. But not today. He’d already revealed too much. With a heavy sigh, he pressed his palms into his eyes, not wanting to face this horrible reality.
Chapter 29
Summer faded, and fall crawled in like an infestation of spiders. Finally, after a grueling search, Sarma found a studio in the countryside. She took a job teaching yoga to adults in the morning and an extra class in an after-school program. She didn’t want any blank spaces in her day and working the two jobs allowed her to finally live alone. Life became mechanical. Get up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, and repeat.
Derek continued to call her, but she never answered or called him back. He offered to buy her another horse to replace Amber. Sarma declined and suggested they find a new home for Duke. The silver disk went everywhere in her pocket or purse. She wasn’t sure about protection, but it comforted her.
Day after day, the grind began to wear Sarma down. Life became a sitcom without the humor. At night, she couldn’t sleep. She punched her pillow a few times to flatten it out. The back of her head and neck hurt, ever tense. Her life was fake. Her relationship with Derek was sandpaper compared to the silkiness that Reinis’ presence brought her.
Occasionally, she sensed the imprint hum in her chest, indicating Reinis was here. As he’d said, he always found her, including in her new apartment. As hard as she tried to ignore it, the sensation increased. Tonight, the imprint focused on her like a spotlight. The telltale energy built up in her body. After all, Reinis followed her anywhere she went.
The energy pooled in the palms of her hands, soles of her feet, ran through her veins and raised her temperature. Grunting, she peeled back the covers and stood in front of the bedroom window and pressed her face to the glass. She couldn’t see him, but sensed with all her heart that he was out there. Maybe in the tree next to the building? Turning on the light, she stripped off her pajamas except for a black lacy bra and panties. She loosened her ponytail and her hair cascaded over her shoulders. Slowly, she slid a strap off her shoulder and tipped her head back. She licked her lips and smoothed her hands over her breasts, lifting one in her hand. Moisture gathered between her legs, and heat inched up her body into her abdomen. The imprint doubled in size, and Reinis’ desire compounded her own.
The bra fell to the floor. Dipping two fingers into her mouth, she wet her nipple, pinched its hard tip, and rolled it between her thumb and index finger.
She curled her fingers around the edge of her panties, shimmied them off, and wiped them over her face. A gush of arousal that wasn’t her own poured through her veins.
Fully nude, she dragged a chair to her side and hitched a leg on top of it. Tasting two fingers again, she ran them down her body until she reached her softness. She spread herself apart until the rosy folds were fully exposed. Arching her head back, she massaged her nub, increasing the pressure and speed until wild sexual energy pumped her sex full of blood. As if he were in the room tonguing her skin, her core throbbed as she stroked harder, bringing her
self to a climax.
He was close. So close. Yet he wouldn’t show up to take her on the bed. Duty meant more to him. His coven. His family. That thrilled her more. Sarma wanted to torture him the way he tormented her every day. Life was at a standstill. Drenched, she rubbed her cleft and moaned loudly. Another orgasm swept through her body. She gave into the release, collapsed into the chair, and shuddered. There was no question in her mind—his imprint radiated in her chest. She imagined him crashing through the window and ravishing her.
~ * ~
Reinis perched on a tree branch, hidden in the shadows. Her orgasm set his body aflame. He ached to give her that pleasure, to make her come, and to arouse her until they made love again. He wanted to break the window and make her scream all night. All he could think of was filling the chasm of agony she felt—with his fire, with his touch. Hypnotized by her hands, caressing her body, her tongue licking her lips, he yearned to be inside her, playing with her until she bucked underneath him.
This was how Sarma punished him, and he stayed because he deserved it. Deserved her rage, her torment, deserved not touching her while she pleasured herself. But he needed relief or he would lose control. Slanting against the tree branches, he unzipped his jeans. His shaft sprang forward, and in the cold evening, need pressed him to be inside Sarma. Though she was finished, her actions paralyzed him. The intensity of her arousal was more than he could stand.
Slipping his hands down his open pants, he cupped his sac and ran his hands up toward his plump tip. Already coiled, within seconds of working the head, his orgasm arrived. Only it was hurried and empty.
The imprint told him she’d come. The release was sexual, but her heart was burdened with sadness. The same sadness that flooded him as he finished.
Forbidden Darkness (Immortal Desire Series Book 1) Page 17