by L. E. DeLano
“Oh God.” I bury my face in my hands again.
“Now you’ve granted his heart’s desire, and you’re going to have to find some way to tell him it was all a big mistake.”
I get up and walk over to my window to look out, and Ben’s truck is still in front of my house. Which means he’s waiting downstairs to talk to me.
40
Ben
I can hear Ben making small talk with Danny, and I wonder what I could possibly say to Ben to let him know that the last week of my life with him was a total anomaly. He’s either going to think I’m completely nuts or toying with him.
I have no idea how to handle this. Worse, I’m feeling guilty, because truthfully, other me has enjoyed all of this. Too much.
I feel a very weird mix of confusing feelings, as I have other me’s memories fresh in my mind, of Ben with his mouth on mine and those perfectly muscled arms around me. These are mixing with my near-death rescue by Finn and the tenderness he’s shown me in the aftermath. The way I feel when he holds me is just different. There’s a rightness about it—just as there was a rightness for my other self when I was with Ben.
I reach the bottom of the stairs, and he’s stopped talking to Danny. Instead, he’s looking at me with a wealth of pain in his eyes.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” he says. And my traitorous mind goes back to yesterday, when the other me walked down these stairs, and he called me beautiful, the way his eyes brightened, and that easy grin he broke into when he saw me. My heart gives a lurch and I take another deep breath, trying to push all that out of my mind.
Danny breaks the ice.
“Jessa! I’m winning!” he yells gleefully as he points at the TV screen. “Am I good at this, Ben?”
“You’re a killer, Danny. I should know better than to play with you,” Ben says.
Danny turns his baffled face to Ben. “I don’t kill you. You died.” He looks up at me. “Me and Ben were playing but he died, so he said he was going to go wake you up. I didn’t kill him.”
“He didn’t mean it like that, Danny,” I explain. “When someone says you’re a killer that way, it means you’re good at something.”
“It’s mean to say I killed somebody,” Danny says.
“Ben wasn’t being mean. He said it because he likes you. He meant you’re good at the game.”
“I’m good at this,” he says matter-of-factly. “I’m winning. Are you going to stay here now, Jessa?”
“Yeah, Danny,” I say, eyeing him warily. “I live here, remember?”
“Is Finn still here? Can he play the game with me?”
I feel Ben’s eyes on me, and his whole body is frozen.
“Danny, Ben and I are going to go out for a little while, okay?” I tell him. “Just keep on playing.”
“Okay. I’m a killer. Ben says so.”
I fold my arms across my chest and we walk to the door. I keep my eyes on Ben’s rigid back and I hate myself. Oh God, do I hate myself. I want to find a mirror, reach through, and punch me right in the wandering mouth.
We walk outside to his truck, and he turns to face me, leaning his back against the door.
“Ben…,” I start. I look at him, and the urge is overwhelming to wrap my arms around him. This is Ben. Ben. And she—we—love him.
He shakes his head, and I see his jaw tighten, like he’s keeping himself from saying something.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and the tears start to slip out. “I’m so sorry.” I put my hands over my face and start to cry, big, heaving sobs, and I don’t know how it’s even possible that I have any tears left after all the crying I’ve done this morning. I hear him sigh and feel his hand settle tentatively on my shoulder.
“Talk to me, St. Clair. What’s going on?”
“It’s … complicated.”
“What’s complicated?”
“Everything. I don’t know what to tell you.”
“About me? Or about him?”
“Both, I guess.” I look at him and realize that’s a cop-out. I have to be honest with him. I owe him that. I force myself to meet his eyes.
“You, mostly,” I say, and the tears start up again.
“So this whole week was … what? An accident? An experiment? What?” His arm drops. He’s getting mad now. He can barely get the words out, and I am drowning in misery for it.
“No! It’s not like that!”
“Then what are you doing? With him?”
Oh God, I am so bad at this. “It’s not like I don’t … care about you. I do. I just … I’ve done some thinking.”
“And you think you’d rather have Finn,” he says flatly. “Or would you rather just string us both along until you figure it out?”
“That’s not fair!”
“Not fair? I’m not being fair?”
He storms around to the driver’s side of the truck and gets in, turning the keys in the ignition.
I follow him, and I reach out and stop the door as he tries to shut it.
“Wait, Ben—where are you going?”
“I’m fixing to go home. Wouldn’t want to risk having your boyfriend see us together,” he snarls. “He just might feel like he’s been played or something.”
He pulls the door closed with a bang and revs the engine, and I step back as he pulls out and drives away. I stand in the street until he turns the corner and I can’t see him anymore. I want to just sink down to the ground, but the neighbors are probably all looking at me.
I wipe my eyes and cheeks with my fingers and take a couple of deep breaths before I walk back inside. Danny turns to look at me as soon as I open the door.
“Did you kill Ben because he’s your friend?” he asks.
41
Revealed
I go right up to my room and throw myself down on the bed to get the rest of my cry out. After the couple of days I’ve had and the situation with Ben, I am heartsore and still exhausted. My bed is soft and warm and I feel like I’m sinking into it, growing roots that burrow down.
“Jessa?” Finn’s voice carries from the doorway.
He carefully sets down two giant cups of Mugsy’s coffee on my nightstand and closes the door behind him.
“So your day can only go up from here,” he quips.
“Don’t even joke like that,” I say, staring up at the ceiling.
“Sorry.”
I turn my head to look at him as he sits down on the bed. “I didn’t hear you leave.”
“I snuck out the back.”
“I really don’t want coffee,” I say.
“I brought cookies, too.”
“I want to throw up.”
“Then I guess some glitter mousse is a bad … idea.” He trails off, and his mouth parts slightly. He starts slowly shaking his head.
“What?” I ask.
He turns to me, and with one word, he pulls me out of my misery.
“Rudy.”
“What?”
“The Traveler isn’t the one trying to kill you. Rudy is.”
I am instantly awake enough to sit up.
“Rudy!”
Finn makes a grim face. “Rudy was the one who sent me to you in the first place. He sent every Finn he could to every Jessa, and they started dying, didn’t they?”
“But—”
“It’s been so obvious we were blind to it. Rudy left before Mario sent us to your deaf reality, didn’t he? And we were safe there.”
It’s beginning to dawn on me. “And when we showed up at glittery Mugsy’s…”
“A place we’ve been known to frequent,” Finn reminds me. “We were easy prey. Rudy even suggested to me that I should take you away for a while. Once we got there, he knew exactly where to send you.”
“But he can’t come into reality, can he?”
“He’s not working alone,” Finn said. “He’s got a follower who’s a Traveler. Maybe more than one. He’s directing them, and now he knows for sure he’s got the right Jessa, doesn’t he
?”
My chest freezes in fear. “You can’t go to sleep,” I whisper. “If he knows that you’ve figured it out, he’ll find a way to kill you, too.”
“You have to talk to Mario. Now. And I have to stay awake until he tells us what our next step is.” He reaches for one of the cups of coffee and takes a long drink.
As tired as I am, I’m not sure I can sleep. My heart is pounding too hard. We’ve got a practically omnipotent being with control over God knows how many other Travelers trying to wipe out most of the universe, with us in it. Who could sleep in the face of that?
“I don’t know if I can,” I say shakily.
“You’ve got to. Can you take something?”
“I … uh…” My mind is racing. “I think there’s some NyQuil in the bathroom.”
“Will it put you to sleep?”
“Knocks me right out,” I answer. “I’ll get it.”
I run for the bathroom, stopping along the way to let Danny know I’m feeling sick and I’m going to lie down—that ought to keep him from disturbing me. Finn can play video games with Danny and keep him distracted—and himself awake. I grab the NyQuil and step back into the room, twisting off the cap and pouring out a dose.
“Down the hatch,” I say, chugging it back.
I set the bottle down next to Finn’s coffee and lie down on the bed. My hand reaches for his.
“Be careful, okay? If you have to leave me and run, do it.”
“I won’t leave you,” he says.
“I told Danny you’d play a game with him.”
“That’s as far as I’ll go,” he swears.
“And you’ll need more coffee. My mom drinks decaf.” I can feel the medicine making me foggy, but I have to make sure he’ll be safe.
“I’ll get more coffee if I need it. And then I’ll come back. I promise.”
I nod, and my head is starting to feel heavy. “Stay till I’m sleeping.”
The bed dips and he eases down next to me. “No problem,” he says, stretching out at my side. I turn and scooch into him, spoon-style, and his arm comes around my middle.
“Finn?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m afraid.”
“You’ve been through a lot, Jessa.”
“I’m afraid for you. What if something happens to you?”
I feel his hand come up, and it gently plays with my hair, his fingers combing through the strands as his voice calms and lulls me.
“I’ve been traveling for a while now,” he reassures me. “And we know where the danger is coming from. Once Mario’s involved, this will all be over. And then you and I get to figure out where we go from here.”
“What if I don’t want to go anywhere? What if I just want to stay plain old Jessa?”
I hear him chuckle. “You could never be plain old Jessa.”
“What if I don’t want to travel?”
“Then you don’t.” His fingers are still stroking my hair, and my eyelids are getting heavier as the minutes pass.
“I don’t want you to go away,” I tell him.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere.”
I turn my head to look back at him, and it’s not easy to do because I’m definitely feeling light-headed from the NyQuil.
“I mean after. After this is all over. I guess you’ll want to go back to whatever you were doing before.”
“What I was doing before was looking for you,” he reminds me. “And now I’ve found you. I’m not going anywhere.”
I feel his lips against my temple, and I close my eyes, savoring the sensation. He’s warm against my back, and where his arm circles my waist. His fingers are in my hair again, and then through a fog, the bright white of the classroom hits my eyes. I immediately tense and turn my head, looking around.
“Rudy won’t be joining us,” Mario tells me as I take my seat. “You can relax.”
“You know?”
“I had a hunch, after our last session. It’s confirmed now—and he’s on the run.”
“What’s going to happen to Finn? He can’t stay awake forever.”
“No, he can’t. I’ve been given permission to take on a second Traveler—which is not generally allowed—but this is an extreme circumstance.”
“Rudy has a second Traveler,” I say.
Mario nods. “Yes, he does. He’s been using Finn for information about you, and another Traveler to do the dirty work where you’re concerned. Arranging for all your calamities to revolve around Finn ended up causing more suspicion, instead of diverting it.”
“You’ll take care of Finn?” I ask. “He’ll be safe?”
“I can’t guarantee that,” Mario says quietly. “Not any more than I can for you. Forecasting can be uncertain when you’re dealing with people of free will. We deal in suppositions and potential outcomes, not absolutes. But at least we know what we’re up against.”
“Easy for you to say. You didn’t lose a best friend shortly after almost being tortured, killed, and eaten by cannibals. And now I still have to watch my back.”
“The Traveler is still out there.” Mario nods. “He’s sure to try again.”
“Or, she is,” I add. “I think it was a woman who pushed me through into Finn’s world. I couldn’t see her face, only her gloves and jewelry. It all happened too fast.”
“You should have known Rudy was going to watch there—he knew how fond you two were of the place.” Mario’s tone carries a world of consternation.
“Thank you for helping me.”
“I had a feeling Rudy would look for a reality that could do his dirty work for him,” Mario continues. “Add in the fact that Finn would be reluctant to go back to his own reality, and it was perfect for Rudy’s purposes. The Traveler couldn’t have ever had a counterpart there, so that might give us a starting place for narrowing down who it is. The trick was figuring out where in that reality the Traveler would send you, and when you fell asleep, I found you.”
“I was only asleep for a minute or two,” I say.
Mario shrugs. “I work fast.”
“Well, let’s keep that reality off the travel list as far as return visits, okay?” I shiver again, remembering. Rudy wasn’t playing games. Rudy really did want me dead.
“So … what now?” I ask.
“Rudy can’t kill you directly—normally, he can only use the Traveler to influence events around you in order to facilitate your death,” Mario answers. “But he’s gone rogue, and he’s desperate. I need to figure out exactly what he’s planning to do to be sure we’re countering properly. Stay alert, stay with Finn, and I’ll let you know what the next steps are as soon as I can.”
“I’m not just going to sit around waiting for someone to kill me again,” I tell him. “Or Finn. We’ve got some clues, and I’m going to start following them. I can start with the lady at the historical society—she can give me the list of people who bought tickets to the ghost tour. If we can find the Traveler, maybe we can ask some questions and figure out what Rudy’s doing.”
Mario gives me a grudging nod. “Whatever you do, make sure Finn is watching your back.”
“And I’m watching his.”
“You’re more important.” His eyes hold mine. “We can’t allow the convergence, Jessa. Too much is at stake.”
Finn, I think. Finn is at stake. And all the other Moms and Dannys and Dads and Bens—and Jessas.
The fate of them all, resting on me, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
42
Missing
I wake with the alarm clock when it goes off, and with no sign of Finn. I’ve slept through the night, and according to Danny, Finn said good-bye around seven o’clock last night. That doesn’t mean he left, though. Without me awake enough to open the door and sneak him back in, he probably sat outside all night. At least the cold would have kept him awake.
I text him to let him know I’m heading out; then I dress and hurry out the door to school, expecting he’s going to fall into step
beside me. He doesn’t, and by the time I reach the school, the first frisson of unease is unfurling in my stomach. I figured he would be waiting for me at school, but he’s not there, either. I give his phone a call this time, but it rings and rings. And rings.
I’m starting to feel some panic, and to make it worse, Ben is leaning against his locker as I walk in, and he turns pointedly away the second he sees me.
I know he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I need his help.
“Wait! Ben!” I call out to him as he’s walking away. He takes a few more steps, and then he finally stops. He doesn’t bother turning around.
“What?” The irritation in his voice is clear.
“Please.” I move around in front of him. “Ben, I need your help. I know this is the last subject you want to talk about, but have you seen Finn?”
“He take off on you?” Ben asks, and he looks like he doesn’t particularly care if that’s what happened.
“No,” I snap. Then my eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know. He’s gone. And he’s not answering his phone or his texts.”
“He’s probably just running late.”
“No, that’s not it. He’s gone. He’s just gone.” My voice cracks on that last word. “Otherwise he’d be talking to me.”
Ben bites his lip. “Did you tell him? About us?”
I look up at him guiltily. “Yeah. I did.”
“Maybe he’s reevaluating after hearing that.”
I know I deserve that, but it stings anyway.
The bell rings for class, and Ben looks backward over his shoulder. “I gotta go.“
There is no sign of Finn in calculus, and the panic is turning into an outright fear, trickling down my spine. I slide into my seat next to Ben in Mr. Draper’s class, and I’m nervously drumming my fingers on the desk. Ben looks over at me, but when I catch him, he just turns away.
When the bell rings, I am out of my chair and walking before I even realize it. I am barely able to see through the fog of fear that is overtaking me and the sting of unshed tears in my eyes.
What if Finn fell asleep?
Oh God, why didn’t I think to check outside the house? If he’s asleep, he could be in danger.
I am just reaching for my phone to text him again when it suddenly vibrates and my message icon lights up again. I look down at the screen, and it’s all I can do not to shout.