Grabbing my IPod, I headed down to the beach.
Sitting down on the sand, I took in my surroundings. It was gorgeous and peaceful here. The water was a crystal blue and the sand was white. The beach where I grew up was nothing compared to this one.
I was trying not to think about my family, but I knew that it wouldn’t happen. It would be better to get all of these depressing thoughts out of the way so that when I was around the others they wouldn’t see the pain I was in. I really missed my mom and dad, as well as my brothers. Everyone here thought my family had passed away, but it was for the best. I couldn’t risk talking about them in the present tense or giving away too many details about them and them figuring out where I was from. Plus, it was easier to just say they were gone so no one would question why I never went home.
I was thinking about how my mother always made sure everyone was up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and always acted like a child full of excitement. I was wondering what all of them were doing and if they were still missing me or looking for me. That thought alone caused tears to stream down my face. I thought with time it would get easier, but it only got harder. I missed them all every day even if what I was doing was for the best.
I was trying to calm my sobs when I felt someone come sit down beside me.
Brushing the tears away from my face, I looked over to see Mattie was sitting beside me. I hated that he had seen me breaking down. It seems like that’s all he’s ever seen me do. He probably thinks I’m an emotional wreck.
I turned towards him after I had gotten my emotions in check the best way I could.
“Sorry, you had to see that. I was trying to get all of my emotions in control before everyone woke up,” I explained.
“No worries, sweetheart. I can only imagine what you’re going through on this day of all days. I believe you’re missing your family very much.”
He was the sweetest guy ever. How did this man always know what to say?
“I am. Christmas is the hardest. I get so caught up in the memories that I have that I usually just spend this day by myself because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. If it weren’t for Sophia begging me to come on this trip, I wouldn’t be here.”
“Well, I for one am glad you decided to come. It seems as if it’s long overdue.”
“It really is. I needed to get away and have some fun for a change,” I laughed.
It was so comfortable being around him. All of the worries just started to disappear. I guess that’s because he’s so easy going. Who knows? All I cared was the fact that he made all of my problems disappear with just his presence alone.
He lifted his arm up and gestured that he wanted to give me a hug. It seemed kind of odd because most people would have just done it, but I guess he was learning that I didn’t do well with people touching me when I wasn’t expecting it.
I leaned into his embrace. It felt safe to be in his arms and it was exactly what I needed. I could easily see myself falling for this guy and that scared me the most. I just had to remember that we were strictly friends. Revealing too much of myself wasn’t an option. I needed to protect myself and in order to do that he couldn’t know too much about the real me.
The idea came to me as he was still holding me. I needed to explain myself to him and the best way I knew how to do that was to express my feelings with a song.
Moving out of his embrace, I grabbed my IPod. He looked at me questioningly, but didn’t say anything. I found the song on my playlist that I wanted to play for him. Some of the words could be mistaken, but the meaning behind the song explains a little bit more about what I’ve been through.
Looking up at him, I asked if he remembered what I told him about music being important to me. He nodded his response.
“Mattie, I want to play a song for you and you need to pay close attention to the lyrics. It kind of explains who I am and a little bit about myself. I tend to use music to express my emotions or mood because the words just won’t come out.”
I pressed play and played him the song that would hopefully open his eyes and show him that I may have a little more baggage than he was willing to handle. TLC’s “Damaged” was playing and I hoped that he got the true message behind the song. I was truly damaged by my past and I didn’t know if I would ever come out from under it.
As the song came to an end, I got the nerve to finally look into his eyes. They were watering like he completely understood what I was trying to say. I just hoped that he wouldn’t question me about how I was damaged and broken. It hadn’t occurred to me that he could ask me about it when I played the song for him, but it was too late for that now.
He wasn’t saying anything and that kind of scared me. I really wanted him to respond.
Instead of responding with words, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and was going through it. I wondered what he was doing when I heard a song playing. I recognized it immediately. It was “I won’t give up” by Jason Marz. I have no clue why this man was so willing to keep trying with me when all I did was keep him at a distance. I listened to the lyrics while looking at him. Tears fell down my cheeks even though I tried to stop them. This man was truly amazing. Looking at him, you’d never think he had this sweet side to him. As the song came to an end, I was trying to think of what my response was going to be. Once it ended and he put his phone away, I had decided.
“You haven’t a clue what you’re getting yourself into. I’m damaged and broken. I have been for a while. I don’t know if I can ever be what you want me to be,” I whispered.
He cupped my cheek and rubbed his thumb along my jaw. I leaned into his touch because it was comforting me.
“Everyone has their own baggage and demons sweetheart. I’m willing to wait because you’re worth it. I meant everything that song said. I won’t give up on you because I don’t know how.”
“I’m tainted. Why would you want that in your life?”
“You may be tainted, but in a way we all are. I believe that you’ll get past whatever demons haunt you one day and I’ll be here for you when you do. And just know if that’s what you are, then you’re beautifully tainted.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know how someone can be beautifully tainted, but he made me feel like I could conquer anything. I did something I usually wouldn’t have done and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into me. I wanted to show him that what he said meant a lot to me and words didn’t seem like they could be as efficient.
He wrapped his arms around me and all seemed to be right in the world. Giving him what he wanted wasn’t an option, but I could see this turning into a beautiful friendship.
The rest of the week flew by in Cabo. We went snorkeling, ate some amazing food, and explored. Relaxation was just what I needed to get my mind off the fact that I just spent yet another holiday away from my family. Going back to the real world was going to be hell that’s for sure.
We all planned to hang out once we got settled and ring in the New Year together before we had to go back to work. Maybe it would bring new beginnings and maybe, just maybe, it would also bring me and Mattie closer. I just didn’t know if I could handle revealing my secret to him in order for that to happen.
Chapter 11: Ringing in the New Year
Emily
When we landed, Mattie and I went our separate ways. We both had loads to do at home before we all met back up tonight to celebrate. The drive back to my house was a blur. There were a thousand things to do before the get together and even more to do before we went back to work the following week. I knew that I had plenty of time to get caught up because I still had tomorrow, but I just didn’t want to leave it until then. My OCD would bother me all night long thinking of the mountains of laundry that needed to be done and cases that I needed to look into before going back to work.
Once I arrived back home, I unpacked my suitcase and started to sort the laundry into piles. After I had finished sorting, I put on a load and went bac
k into the living room to put on some music. I needed to clear my head and start looking through all the notes on the cases that I had to review. Plugging my phone into the sound system, I scrolled through my playlists and picked a random one to play. After pressing play, I sat my phone down on the speaker.
After grabbing my files out of my briefcase, I sat down on the couch to go over them. It was nice to be able to do this in the comfort of my home without interruptions. I liked being prepared for the week ahead. Some say that I’m too dedicated and work too hard, but I don’t have anything else to fill my time, so I don’t mind. Plus, it helps me get to know the kids and their personalities. I can help them better if I can understand what makes them tick.
I had gone through five files, made notes that needed to be made, and washed and dried three loads when I glanced at the time. It had really gotten away from me. Guess that’s what I get for being in my zone. It was already seven in the evening. I needed to get ready to head over to Jeremiah’s house because we were all supposed to be meeting up around nine.
I folded the three loads of clothes that I had washed and put them away. Once that was complete, I went into the bedroom to gather my outfit for the night. I was keeping it simple. It was only going to be Jeremiah, Sophia, Mattie, and a few people from the firehouse where Jeremiah worked. Getting dressed up didn’t sound appealing to me in the slightest. It would be a different story if we were going out somewhere, but I knew these people, so I felt comfortable enough in dressing down for the night. I grabbed a pair of dark jeans, a pale purple sweater, and my Mary Janes out of the closet. I pulled some panties out of my dresser drawer along with a bra and went into the bathroom to take a shower.
Once I was showered and dried off, I began to get ready. I decided that I would just wear my hair up in a low messy bun because I didn’t feel like messing with it. The trip was fun, but I was exhausted. Putting on my panties and bra, I did my makeup. I only added some foundation and a small amount of mascara. I put on my outfit and shoes and looked into the mirror. It wasn’t the best I could have done, but I looked okay. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone anyway.
After grabbing my purse and keys, I made my way out the door. I was ready to get this night started. I just hoped it would be a great end to an amazing vacation.
As I drove to Jeremiah’s, I thought that maybe it was time to put the past behind me. I knew that my past was hindering me from getting too close to others, but it was for a good reason. Maybe I could figure out a way to merge them together. I didn’t want to admit it yet, but this handsome southern detective was breaking down my walls little by little and it actually felt nice. I couldn’t admit it to him just yet though because I had to figure out if revealing that part of me would be worth it in the end. Maybe he could change my mind some more tonight.
Once I arrived, I walked up to the door and knocked. The music was loud so hopefully someone would hear me. I didn’t like entering into someone’s home without knocking, but if he didn’t answer the door soon, I was going to because it was freezing out here. I probably should have brought my coat.
After a few minutes of no one answering, I decided just to go inside. He wouldn’t care either way, but I couldn’t stop the way I was raised. As I walked in, I found everyone talking and drinking. I wasn’t usually a big drinker, but I decided tonight that I would let loose and at least drink some wine.
Moving through the crowd, I said hello to everyone on the way and went into the kitchen to get my drink. I got a wine glass out of the cabinet and retrieved the wine out of the refrigerator. Jeremiah had told me that he would have some for me just in case I decided to drink and he didn’t let me down. After I had poured a glass, I went back into the living room to mingle. Mattie hadn’t arrived yet, but it was still early.
About an hour later, I had already drunk three glasses and I needed to slow down. It was only a little after ten and I wanted to make it to midnight without being too drunk.
I went into the kitchen to pour me a glass of soda so some of the effects of the alcohol would wear off. As I was filling up the glass, I felt him enter the room. It sounds crazy, but we had some weird connection from the beginning that I couldn’t even attempt to explain. I had never had a connection with someone like this and fighting it was getting harder.
I turned and noticed that he was in the entry way to the kitchen talking to Jeremiah. Those two seemed to have hit it off from the beginning and it was a good thing because Sophia, Jeremiah, and I had become close over the past two and a half years. It was nice to have someone else in the group that could get along with the three of us.
Standing there, I watched him interact and laugh at whatever he and Jeremiah were discussing. It was nice to see him so at ease in his surroundings. Sometimes when he thought no one was looking, you could see the turmoil on his face. It made me wonder what happened to him to make him have so much pain behind his eyes.
I broke out of my trance when I noticed that he was making his way over to me. We had amazing moments in Cabo and our bond seemed to have grown. At least in my eyes it had. He was an amazing man for being so patient with me and dealing with my back and forth emotions. Sometimes I wondered why he even bothered.
I started walking to meet him the rest of the way and we just held each other’s gazes. If I didn’t have so much baggage and fear, I wouldn’t have had to think twice about acting on what I knew could be an amazing thing.
He broke the trance that we both seemed to be under by motioning for me to hug him. He understood more about me than I gave him credit for. I hugged him back and took him in. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t help myself. Being in his arms felt safe and right.
We pulled away from each other and I felt empty. What was this man doing to me? I had worked hard to build these walls up and remain guarded and in a few months he has managed to destroy them and I was trying hard to not freak out about it either. It’s hard to become open to someone after holding it all in for years. I was close with Sophia and Jeremiah, but I even kept them at arm’s length. The only difference between Sophia, Jeremiah, and Mattie was that Sophia and Jeremiah learned long ago not to press too hard for information because I would recoil into myself. Mattie, on the other hand, didn’t know how to do that apparently. He was sneaky about it and caught me in moments where I was already weak and desperately needed someone to lean on. It’s like he had a detector or something and just happened to be there when I was breaking down. I loved that he was there for me, but I also hated it because I didn’t want to risk letting someone in. I guess I would have to weigh the risks and the benefits in order to come up with a decision.
We were lost in our conversation about everything and nothing at all when we heard the countdown begin. Here’s where things were going to get interesting because I’d already made a rule about no more kissing and I didn’t know if he would break it. Technically, it was tradition to kiss and hug people on New Year’s and I didn’t know which route he would attempt to take.
He handed me a glass of wine that he had poured for me and we chimed in on the countdown.
“Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year,” we both shouted along with everyone else.
Looking around the room, I was shocked that Sophia and Jeremiah were kissing. That’s interesting. We’d discussed our suspicions while we were in Cabo, but agreed that we’d just let them continue to do what they were doing and confess to it when they were ready.
He leaned in towards me and clinked our glasses together. I already knew what I wanted to toast to and was wondering what his would be. He relieved me of my suspicions when he spoke first.
“To new relationships and a fresh start,” he toasted.
“To new beginnings and friendship,” I countered.
We both took sips from our drinks and sat them down on the counter. He leaned in towards me and that action made me shudder. I always seemed to do that when he was near. It was frustrating at times because I didn’t want him to see the reacti
on I had to him.
He had gotten close enough to where our bodies were almost touching. Why did this have to be so hard again?
“Happy New Year, sweetheart,” he whispered into my ear.
“Happy New Year, Mattie,” I whispered back to him.
“I know that you said no more kissing, but I really want to kiss you right now. Can I kiss you?” He asked.
When he spoke in that tone and was being such a gentleman about it that made it hard to say no to him. I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded.
He leaned into me and gave me a gentle kiss on my lips. I kissed him back, but I guess he could tell I was nervous because he pulled away.
He leaned his forehead onto mine and let out a breath. I know that this had to be frustrating for him, but it was equally frustrating for me. I couldn’t help that I tensed. It was a response that was hard to break.
He closed his eyes and looked to be trying to gather his thoughts. When he looked back up at me, I could see the anguish in them. It would be so much easier on both of us if he would just give up and be my friend.
“Are you ready to admit our connection now, sweetheart? I know that you feel it just as much as I do. I saw you watching me earlier. I know you felt it as soon as I entered the room because I felt it too,” he said in a ragged tone.
I took a moment to think about my answer. I didn’t know if I was ready to put it out there just yet. It was so hard to admit that he had been right from the start, but it was even harder to allow him to get closer to me.
Once I had gotten my thoughts together, I knew that I couldn’t tell him just yet. I had to be sure that I could open up to him completely first. I also had to be certain that I could trust him with the information about my past because not everyone would be able to handle what I’d have to tell him.
“I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I just can’t go there. I need more time. When or if I am ever ready, you’ll be the first to know.”
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