He was stroking my back and I didn’t want to move, but my body was telling me I had no other choice. I kissed his cheek and went to the bathroom to relieve myself and brush my teeth. He was waiting outside the door when I was finished. I moved out of the doorway so he could go inside. Once he shut the door, I went back into my bedroom to get dressed and get the box out of the closet. I put on a tank top and some lacy underwear and went into the closet to get the box off of the shelf. The box contained mementos from my previous life. I haven’t looked at what’s inside in a very long time because it makes me miss the people I left behind. Even though the memories are still in my mind, these physical reminders make it that much harder to stay away.
I sat down on the bed and put it down beside me. I pulled the top off just as he walked back into the bedroom. He sat beside me and looked at me with a questioning look on his face.
The best way for me to do this was to pull out some pictures and begin to explain part of my life that he knew nothing about. Pulling out a stack of pictures, I took a look at the one on top. This was going to be hard, but I needed to do this. Maybe this was just one more way that I would begin to heal.
Leaning towards him, I began to explain the photographs. The first one was of me with the rest of my family. I pointed to the people in the picture and named off my parents, Leslie and Michael, and my brothers, Micah and Mark. He laughed because all of our names began with the letter M. It was quite comical and my brothers and I always made jokes about it when we were growing up. I went through the rest of them explaining various times in my life when they were taken. When I got to the ones with Damon and me, I knew explaining this part of my life would be the hardest. It was hard to think about the only other man that I’ve loved in my life and what the worst day of my life did to us. I told him that I would explain who he was once I was finished going through the rest. As I got to the end of the stack, I started to get nervous. My feelings for Damon were long gone, but I knew that he could misconstrue the fact that I kept these pictures as more than it was.
Looking over at him, I gathered the courage to tell him about a time in my life where happiness was so close, but so far out of reach.
“The man in the pictures is my ex, Damon. We met in the police academy when I was eighteen years old. We both went in right after high school. Once we passed everything, we both went into the police force together. I enrolled in college the following year and he did the same. For the first three years, we were nothing but close friends. About six months before we were due to graduate, we decided to take our friendship to the next level. Once we graduated, he applied for a position on the SWAT team and I applied for a position in the gang unit. We were both accepted and started our new careers. Six months after everything got settled in our new positions, we moved in together. He proposed six months later. We were supposed to get married in May of 2010, but that obviously never happened. After everything that happened, I just couldn’t do it. We’d only ever fooled around. I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex and he was a perfect gentleman about it. He never pushed me too far, which made me love him even more. But after the attack, I just couldn’t see myself wanting anyone to touch me ever again. I couldn’t even sleep in the same bed as a man I knew would never hurt me. It broke my heart to see the pain in his eyes, but the anguish that I held inside myself was greater than any he could ever feel. The day for our wedding came and went and all we did was fight. We both said things that we could never take back and I left our home.”
He just listened to me go on and on about my past life. I knew the real questions he wanted to be answered were about why I left, but I was leading up to that. I wanted him to see the good side of me before he saw the bad. I wanted him to know that my life was great before it all came crashing down.
I had stopped talking for a moment to regain my composure. It was hard enough to talk about my family, but talking about Damon made it worse. I hated seeing him slowly slip away from me, but I just couldn’t let him in. I vowed to myself that I couldn’t do that to Mattie. Not this time. I would let him completely in from this moment forward if that meant he wouldn’t hurt me the way Damon did. Damon broke my heart into a million pieces with the things that he said to me. Things I could never tell Mattie because it was just too hard to remember, let alone speak out loud.
Once I had regained my composure enough, I asked him what he wanted to know.
“What made the men that attacked you target you?” He was going straight for the kill I see.
“My team and I were assigned to take down members of the 18th Street Gang. It’s really harder than it sounds to do because these men were extremely smart. I started with men that were lower on the totem pole and the members felt like we were getting too close for comfort. There was chatter going around about an attack, but I refused the protection detail. I guess that was my first mistake.”
“Why did you refuse the protection detail if you knew that they were targeting you?”
“They weren’t just targeting me. It was my whole team. No one knew who they were going to go after. I just figured it wouldn’t be me.”
“What happened the night of the attack?” He seemed genuinely concerned. He didn’t act like this was bothering him, but it was bothering me. I hoped that he didn’t want me to go into detail about everything because that was something that I just couldn’t do.
“I don’t remember much about it. I remember that I was texting Damon about our plans for the night and I dropped my keys in the parking garage. After that, everything is a blur. I remember bits and pieces of what happened, but not much. My therapist says that my brain blocked what happened as a way to protect myself. I still don’t remember everything. Parts of what happened usually come back to me in my sleep.”
“How did you manage to get away from them?” He asked.
“One of the men forgot to latch the handcuff properly on one of my hands. I was looking around the room for some way to escape, when I noticed my phone on the table beside the bed. I reached for it and turned it on and my team members must have been tracking it. The next thing I knew, the place was surrounded and about a dozen SWAT officers were bombarding the warehouse where they were keeping me. The rest is a blur.”
“I remember hearing something about this case on the news. They said that the brother of the man that ordered the attack was killed in prison before the trial could start,” he said.
“Yes he was. A month before the trial was to begin, a rival gang member took him out. After that had occurred, there was more chatter that the brother wanted revenge. I decided that it was best for everyone involved that I leave town.”
“How did you manage to leave without anyone realizing that you were gone? How did you get a new identity that fast?”
“I had a friend that worked for the FBI. I contacted him and told him what I needed to do. He got me the documentation and I went from there. One day I woke up and booked an airline ticket from a different state. He picked me up from my apartment and drove me to the airport. I said goodbye to him there and left everything and everyone behind.”
“So your parents have no clue if you’re alive or not?”
“I know that sounds harsh, but I just couldn’t risk them getting hurt if they knew any information about me. I googled my name once and found that they had filled out a missing person report and everything. My team searched for me. It makes me feel bad that they’re assuming the worst, but these men are vicious when they want revenge. I did what I had to do to protect everyone.”
I looked away from him at this point. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him the whole story. I already felt like a bad person for letting my family assume that I was dead and now he was making me feel worse. Most days I regret my decision, but I didn’t want to stay there and possibly cause my family more pain and heartache if I actually did die. I also couldn’t risk anyone being hurt or killed because they were associated with me.
I grabbed all of the pictures of
f of the bed and put them back into the box. I should get rid of everything, but I just can’t let go of what little I have left of everyone that I care about. I needed a reminder of why I was doing this.
Going back to the bed, I lay beside him. He pulled me into his arms and I just relished in the moment. Doing this again was different this time. With Damon, I was a different person than I was now. Now I was guarded. It took a lot for me to let people in, but Mattie didn’t let up. He was persistent, but he was always a gentleman about it. He never took anything too far. I could easily see myself falling for this man even more than I already was.
I was smiling against his chest when he finally spoke again.
“I have something else I want to talk to you about,” he said nervously.
I looked up at him and told him to ask away. He already knew the worst part of me and didn’t run. I could probably answer just about anything that he threw my way at this point.
“Last night you said that you wanted to see where this connection we have leads. What all does that entail?”
I was confused. I thought that part should have been assumed. Maybe I needed to spell it out for him. Sometimes men needed to hear the words. I just wanted to have a little fun with him first before I gave him the answer that I knew that he was looking for.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve obviously already moved past friendship.” He stopped and rubbed one of his hands down his face. This was going to be more fun than I thought. He was flustered. I had to contain my laughter, so I bit down on my lip.
“Yeah, we have,” I replied, trying to get him to say what else he wanted to.
“What does that mean for us moving forward?”
“I don’t understand what you want to know.” Men really were horrible at saying what they wanted.
“You’re going to make me say it out loud aren’t you?”
“Whatever do you mean?” I asked innocently.
“I think you know what I mean. I think that you’re just trying to torture me into asking you anyway.”
“Maybe I am. So what are you trying to ask?”
“You’re the devil. You know that? I’m trying to ask what we are now, smart ass?”
“What we are? Are you trying to ask me to put a label on us?” I couldn’t contain it anymore. I just had to laugh. This reminded me of when kids asked each other out in middle school.
“You find this funny don’t you, sweetheart?”
“Yes I do.” I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped after that.
“Yes I want to know what we are now after everything that happened last night and this morning. I don’t think I can continue with the way things were. I can’t just be your friend, sweetheart. I want to be more.”
I don’t think I should torture him anymore. It was fun, but he had a pained expression on his face.
“Are you asking me if I want us to be together?” I laughed.
“Yes, sweetheart, I am. Being just friends with you has been more torturous than this conversation. Since you’re going to make me ask you instead of reading between the lines, Emily will you be my other half?” Could this man be sweeter than he already is? I couldn’t help but blush after he asked me this. I almost couldn’t look at him because I didn’t want him to see the way I was responding to that question.
The longer I waited to answer him, the antsier he seemed to get. I guess I will finally put him out of his misery.
“Well, since you asked so nicely, yes I will be your other half.” I leaned into him and kissed him passionately sealing our new found relationship.
For the rest of the day, we didn’t move out of each other’s arms except when we went to the bathroom or to get something to eat. I was perfectly content because I finally admitted to myself what I knew all along and it felt so right.
Chapter 15: Truth or Dare Anyone?
Matt
Two weeks have passed since Valentine’s Day and we’re doing really well. We’ve kind of come into a routine depending on our schedules. On the nights that we do get to spend time together, we usually spend them at her place because her movie collection is massive. Tonight, however, we were spending it at my place. Sophia and Jeremiah were coming over and we were all going to have some drinks and relax. I felt bad for him because he had been pulling two to three twenty-four hour shifts per week and I could tell it was starting to get to him. I rarely saw could all just stay in and relax.
Changing out of my work clothes, I put on some basketball shorts when I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, I found Emily standing there with bags in both of her hands. What had she done now? She was smiling from ear to ear. I moved out of the way so she could enter the apartment and she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. The simple gesture made me smile. In just a short period of time, I could already see a change in her and I liked it. She wasn’t as guarded and she hadn’t tensed up as much when I touched her. I saw those all as very good signs.
She walked into the kitchen and began to unload them. It looks as if she bought out the liquor store. There were various brands of liquor and some mixers. It looks as if she’s ready to party. The last time I’d seen her drink was on Halloween and I didn’t want to think of that shell of a girl that I had seen that night. Tonight was going to be about making new and better memories.
She’d finished unloading them and was starting to make drinks for the both of us. It didn’t matter to me what she made as long as she didn’t make any of those fruity concoctions that I knew girls drank.
She stirred them, turned around, and handed me a glass. I was skeptical because it wasn’t see-through and I didn’t see what she put in there. I eyed it suspiciously causing her to start laughing. I didn’t know what she found so funny. I took it from her but didn’t take a sip. That caused her to laugh even more.
“Come on, Mattie. Don’t you trust me?” She was trying to act innocent, but I knew better.
“It’s not about trust, sweetheart. It’s about the unknown. I have no clue what you put in this drink and I’m kind of scared to find out.” I wasn’t lying. I really was scared. I wasn’t afraid to admit it either. There was no telling what she and Sophia were going to get me and Jeremiah to try and drink tonight.
“Oh, come on and drink it. I promise I didn’t give you anything too crazy,” she said through her laughter.
Okay, it was now or never. I guess one sip wouldn’t hurt. If I didn’t like it, then I would just fake it until I drank the whole thing and make my own drinks from now on. I took a small sip from the glass and was shocked that it was a Jack and Coke and it was the perfect mixture. Strong enough to taste the liquor, but not overpowering where it made me cringe at the after taste.
“Well done, sweetheart. You’re a woman after my own heart. Brown liquor is my drink of choice. Well, that and tequila,” I admitted. For some reason, clear liquor didn’t agree with me, but give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and that was all I needed.
“And to think that you didn’t trust me enough. Admit it. You thought I was going to make something fruity didn’t you?” I could lie, but I didn’t see her believing me.
“Well, yeah I did. You and Sophia are always drinking them and I thought you were going to torture me by making me as well.”
“I would never do something like that to you,” she said innocently. I seriously doubted that though.
We were on our second drink by the time Sophia and Jeremiah showed up. Now the fun could begin.
We all went into the kitchen to make some more drinks. Emily got out the blender and was making a pitcher of margaritas for her and Sophia while Jeremiah and I opted to make Jack and Cokes.
Once everyone had made their drinks, we sat down at the table while I grabbed a deck of cards out of one of the drawers in the kitchen. Once I had retrieved them, I sat down and started to shuffle the deck.
“Alright, what shall we play first?”
They all named off different types of card games we c
ould play, but ultimately we had chosen to play Asshole since everyone seemed to already know how to play that game.
I finished shuffling the cards and dealt out all them. It seemed that every time Jeremiah had laid down a card, I had the same one causing me to be able to skip Emily. This could be fun because every time someone was skipped in this game they had to drink. I typically didn’t play while drinking liquor because it caused me to get drunk quicker than I would like. By the end of the game, Emily had already finished off one drink and was on another. She didn’t seem too tipsy and she wasn’t even mad that she was the one that was the Asshole at the end of the round. The girls that I usually played with back home would always be pissed if they were Asshole, so it was refreshing to see that she was taking it in stride.
We all continued to play until we were three games in. The girls had gone in the kitchen to make another pitcher of Margaritas and when they came back, Sophia had something else in her hand, as well.
She sat down and poured herself a drink and threw down what she had in her hand on the table.
“Alright boys, who wants to play a real drinking game?” Sophia asked.
Jeremiah and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows because we didn’t know what game she was referring to since what she threw down on the table was dice.
I was intrigued, so I asked what game she wanted to play.
“Well, it’s called Three Man. Ever heard of it?” It seemed that the girls were the only ones here that knew how to play, but I was down. I agreed that I would play as long as we could do a practice round so to speak so I could get the rules of the game down and Jeremiah agreed as well.
“Well see, here’s how you play. You roll the dice and depending on what number appears, depends on the action you take. If they equal a seven, the person to the left of the roller drinks. If they equal an eleven, the person to the right drinks. The first time either a three appears on the dice or they equal a three, the person who rolled it gets to pick who is the three man. Every time a three is rolled until the three man himself or herself rolls one, the person who is three man has to drink. Once he or she rolls a three, that person gets to choose the next. If they equal a nine everyone drinks. All other numbers cause the players to pass their turn and the next person rolls. Sound simple enough?” What are these two getting us into? This game sounds simple if you aren’t the three man, but if you are, it sounds like that person is getting screwed. I was never lucky when it came to dice games, but hopefully my luck would change tonight. I definitely didn’t want to be three man.
Beautifully Tainted Page 15