by Beth Hyland
After downing half a glass, my salvation finally arrives at the door. I wave Kelly and the guys over.
Kelly and I met at the station, where she does the books. She’s an accounting major, and the job will look good on a resume. Reese is an engineering student who just got an internship this summer at a civil engineering firm in Portland. And then there’s James, my best friend. He dropped out of school for a while after his dad died, so it’s good having him back.
“Glad you guys finally decided to show up. I’ve been feeling like a loser, so these ladies took pity on me.”
We slide over and the three of them sit down. James reaches for the pitcher and does a waah waah fake cry of sympathy.
“Fuck you, Brettner.” I finish my beer and hope they’ll introduce themselves. And they do. I don’t want to make it look like I’m with Sara and her friend any more than it does already.
“Blame her for being late,” Reese says, inclining his head toward Kelly. “We got to her place on time.”
Kelly scowls and pushes her red hair behind her shoulder. “What? I can’t help that Dr. Bastion scheduled a test on Monday and all the beginning accounting students are freaking out. I had to stay late at the tutoring center and go over the material with like seven different students. I texted you, Reese. You could’ve come here without me.”
He leans over and nuzzles her neck. “I’m not complaining. I don’t mind waiting for you.”
“Yeah, but I do.” James rests his arms on the vinyl seat back and surveys the crowd.
Kelly gives him the finger and kicks him under the table. Only she misses, and her shoe connects with my shin.
“Ouch.”
“Sorry.”
“There’s a test in Bastion’s class?” Sara’s eyes go wide.
She’s just catching that now? I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing.
I hold up the empty pitcher to get the waitress’s attention again. Juggling an armful of plates on the other side of the busy bar, she nods at me.
“I like these guys,” James says, watching the band. “Who are they?”
“Yeah, I do, too.” I grab the flyer that’s sandwiched between the mustard and ketchup. “They’re called Shoo, Gretchen.”
James laughs. “Great name.”
I make a mental note to approach them after this set. Depending on when they leave town, maybe they’d want to record a live session at the station before they head back. PSU students appreciate indie music that doesn’t fit into a particular mode, so I know they’d love these guys.
Sara cranes her neck to see the stage, then makes a face. “I don’t get it. She’s got ugly shoes.”
Kelly snorts. Reese puts his head into the crook of his elbow. And James has a hungry glint in his eye. I give him an are-you-kidding-me look. He just shrugs and I know exactly what he’s thinking.
The guy’s a total man-whore. He’s already thinking how easy it’s going to be to convince Sara to go home with him. Or if he’s really lucky, just a blow job out in the parking lot. That way, there’s nothing to deal with in the morning.
Which is fine with me. Then she’s out of my hair.
* * *
Ivy
Cassidy grabs my arm. “Oh my God. He’s here.”
He? As in Aaron? My stomach bottoms out and my first reaction is to duck behind her. I’m sure my eyes are freakishly huge right now (like those animal pictures with the Photoshop eyes, which by the way, totally creep me out). I glance around the bar, trying to locate him. I’m pretty sure my voice just croaked out, Who?
“Who do you think, Birthday Girl? Last weekend? The White House? Hot guy? The one from the radio?” I stare at her blankly. She’s talking at me but it’s like the words are stuck in a jar of honey. If I had to take a comprehension test right now based on what she just said, I’d get an F. “Ives, you’re pathetically pathetic.” She points and, like a robot, I look in that direction, afraid of what I might see.
In a booth in the corner, under a light made from a giant rusty sawmill blade, Jon Priestly is sitting with a bunch of other people.
And just like that, I can feel the color returning to my face. My stomach unknots and my jaw unclenches.
It takes precisely three seconds before realization dawns in Cassidy’s eyes. “God, I’m so sorry. You were thinking him him.” She wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug. “I can’t believe what a rotten friend I am. I wasn’t thinking.”
I feel bad that my crazy has affected Cassidy. “I forgive you. But yeah, you’re the rottenest.”
Cassidy hasn’t asked any more about Aaron. All she knows is what I told her that night after the party. I think she felt sorry for me with the migraine, so she’s not about to press me again.
The waitress is waiting for my order, but I guess I’m taking too long because one of my friends gets impatient and orders for me. It takes me a minute to realize that I’m staring across the room at Jon. He’s like one of those superconductor magnets and my eyes are made of malleable iron. He’s wearing a black T-shirt and his arms are covered in tats. Well, not entirely, not like a sleeve or anything, but he does have a few. I wonder if there’s a story behind any of them.
Marla turns to see who we’re talking about. “Jon? He and Sara have been all over each other. You should’ve seen them on the dance floor a few minutes ago. It was a Channing-slash-Jenna-slash-Step Up reunion. Seriously.”
Brina knocks her in the arm. “It was not.”
“She was totally grinding on him,” Marla counters. “Here. Check out my pics. I just posted them on Facebook.”
Brina looks shocked. “Already? Isn’t she going to be pissed?”
Marla rolls her eyes. “Whatevs. It’s not like I tagged her. Besides, she’s an exhibitionist and loves the attention.”
Cassidy grabs the phone. I don’t want to look, but I do. Jon and Sara are dancing, all right. He’s looking at the band and Sara has her impressive rack pressed to his chest.
This was supposed to be a fun birthday celebration—I’m twenty-one now. Woohoo. Cue the confetti, the unicorns, and the chocolate martinis. But the week has been a total downer.
First of all, Mom called back to tell me that, yes, Aaron Marquette is looking into going to school here to play ball. His dad thinks he’s going to play in the majors one day. Fuck me for choosing a school that made it to the College World Series last year.
A few other schools are courting him, too, so it isn’t a sure thing. Besides, PSU is a big school and it’s possible I might not ever see him, she said. But I know I’ll always be looking over my shoulder. I’ve already started googling other schools that have good graphic design programs.
“If he does decide to go there,” Mom said, “at least he’ll be there on his own. The pack mentality isn’t applicable when there’s only one.”
Easy for her to say.
I hate how she’s always trying to find a silver lining and downplaying any negative. Sometimes bad shit is bad shit. Sprinkling a little sugar on it does not make it edible.
And if that’s not terrible enough, I had car problems and spent all my extra money getting it fixed, so I had to tell Cassidy no on the Sasquatch tickets.
I grab my drink—a Buttery Nipple that the girls ordered me probably because of the name—and down it in one gulp. Yuck! I didn’t know it was butterscotch. Coughing, I grab someone’s water and try to wash away the taste. When that doesn’t work, I suck down Cassidy’s strawberry margarita.
“Hey,” she says. “That’s mine.”
“Ha ha. Too bad. It’s my birthday, bitch, and you know I don’t do butterscotch.”
“I didn’t know that’s what a Buttery Nipple was. I assumed it was figurative. Like Sex on the Beach.”
“Well, it’s not. It’s disgusting.” I spear a strawberry from the bottom of the glass and hold it out for Cassidy as a token offering for draining her drink. She does this porn star thing, licking it off the straw with her tongue, and slurps it down. “That�
�s sick,” I tell her.
“It’s supposed to be.”
“I’m going to the bathroom.” Without waiting to see if anyone wants to come with me, I set down the empty glass on the stand-up table and head for the neon male and female stick figures at the back of the bar.
On the way, I spy Jon talking to the band. I keep my head down, but can’t help noticing that he’s hugging an older woman who’s wearing a Hardware Store polo shirt.
I’m not really sure why it bothers me so much to see him with Sara. We hardly know each other. And when we met, the circumstances were pretty bizarre. Based on what he knows of me, he probably does think I’m the crazy girl (which, truthfully, I am) and Sara is the normal one. Or maybe he’s just into girls like her. A lot of guys are.
While I’m in the bathroom, I devise a few excuses to leave early. The one about having too much to drink because I’m not used to being able to do it legally is the most plausible.
I’m texting Cassidy as I exit the bathroom and end up stumbling straight into Jon’s arms. The same arms that were recently all over Sara. I’m not sure what it is about alcohol and misplaced jealousy, but there’s definitely a correlation. Even knowing that, though, I’m still kind of pissed.
“Hey, Ivy.”
“Hey yourself.” I don’t mean to sound so surly, it just comes out that way.
“I hear it’s your birthday.” He smiles. “Happy birthday.”
“Thanks.” And because I can’t help it: “Did Sara tell you that while you were dancing?”
The optimist in me thinks he looks hurt. The pessimist in me knows better.
“Yeah, but it’s not what you think.”
Oh really? “So what do I think?” This should be interesting.
He smiles and there’s that one crooked tooth again. It reminds me of my recent revelation that I hate perfect things. In fact, even if you asked me tomorrow when I’m completely sober, I’d still tell you that perfect things make me want to scream.
“Are you…jealous or something?”
I shrug and try to look as if I don’t care. Which I don’t. But I kind of do. Which is stupid, I know. Even in my semi-wasted condition, I can tell you that. “Jealous? Hardly.”
Jon’s expression goes from joking to serious, reminding me of the way he looked when he helped me off the roof. His eyebrows pull together and his eyes narrow slightly. He doesn’t blink. He just stares, his gaze moving over my entire face as if he’s committing it to memory.
My cheeks heat up. My scalp tingles.
I can’t tell if I just made him mad or if he’s trying to figure out whether or not I’m telling him the truth. He puts a hand on the wall next to my head and leans in close. My heartbeat is seriously pounding against my eardrums right now—so loud that I can hardly hear.
“I think you think there’s something going on between Sara and me, am I right?”
He smells minty, like he’s been chewing gum. And soapy, like he just washed his hands. It’s cool—really cool—that he doesn’t smell of strong aftershave or cologne.
I don’t answer.
“There’s not,” he says. “I was waiting for friends and she invited herself to my table. But if you don’t believe me, check out who she’s dancing with now.”
He moves just enough so that I can see Sara on the dance floor. And yeah. She’s Channing all over some dude’s Tatum.
“That’s my friend James,” he explains. “He’s hoping to get lucky tonight.”
It certainly looks like that’s where it’s headed.
Jon turns his attention back to me. “So, do I get to kiss the birthday girl?”
At the word kiss, my gaze drops to his mouth. Forget what I said about being able to hear my heart pounding against my eardrums. I’m pretty sure it stopped beating altogether just now. His bottom lip is fuller than his upper lip, and I wonder how it would feel moving against my own.
“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?” God, that sounds lame. I blame the Buttery Nipple.
He flattens his other palm on the wall next to my head, caging me in without touching me. His elbows are slightly bent. If I wanted to, I could slide down a few inches, dip under his arm, and be free. I don’t want to, but it’s nice having that option.
His breath is warm on my cheek, making a few loose strands of my hair stick to the lip balm I just applied. He reaches up and, with a feather-light touch of his thumb, gently strokes them away. My lips part. I shiver. Even though we’re in the back of a crowded college dive bar, it feels as if it’s just the two of us.
“Say yes, Ivy.”
Are you kidding me? I want him to kiss me. And it’s not just the alcohol talking. A completely sober me would want the same thing.
I nod.
He’s looking at my mouth, his nostrils slightly flared. “I want you to say it, though.”
I think the butterflies in my lower belly just guzzled a whole case of Red Bull.
“Yes, Jon, I want you to kiss me,” I say breathlessly, aware that I’ve given him more than the one-word answer he was probably expecting.
He groans. Sucks in a breath. Then he bends his elbows until his mouth is less than an inch from mine. I’m breathing in his air and he’s breathing in mine.
“Happy twenty-first birthday, Ivy.” Then he closes the space between us.
Jon’s a good kisser.
A really good kisser.
Did I say he’s a good kisser?
At first he’s a total gentleman, his lips soft, just as I’d imagined they’d be. My mouth automatically matches the rhythm of his. And that’s when I feel his tongue. It delves inside, sliding past my teeth, exploring, seeking out everything about me as if I am his to discover.
Forget what I said about him being a gentleman. Gentlemen don’t kiss the way Jon Priestly does.
It makes me want more. Much more. I arch into him. He presses into me.
Oh. Yeah.
It’s obvious he wants more, too.
He continues this relentless assault on me with just his mouth, kissing my jaw, my earlobes, my neck. Goosebumps and friends of goosebumps spring up along my skin.
I lift my arms to slide them around his neck, but he stops me. Instead, he takes my hands, threads his fingers into mine, and pins me against the wall like a crime scene outline figure.
Something sounds in the back of my head. An alarm?
I stiffen. He keeps kissing me.
I’m suddenly underwater, kicking my arms and legs, but going nowhere. I need to breathe, but I can’t. I’m in over my head. Stuck. Trapped.
My fingers tighten their grip on his. Pinned to the wall like this, my wrists suddenly start to ache. My nails turn clawlike as they dig into the backs of his hands.
Jon lifts his head. “Are you okay, Ivy?”
I don’t answer, because I’m not sure.
“Cuz if you’re not, we can stop. It’s no big deal.”
The butterflies in my stomach are now piranhas, and I feel as though I might get sick. I breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
He releases my hands. I rub my wrists, even though that’s not where he’s been touching me.
“Ivy?”
My lips feel swollen as I blink his face into focus. He’s frowning and his eyes are boring into mine, but he doesn’t make a move to grab me again. I test him and push on his chest. He backs up a step, putting more than a foot of space between us, and shoves his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry if I… Do you want to go back out there?”
I’m standing here, my hands still on his chest, but he’s not touching me. He’s letting me go. I can leave if I want to.
I look at him again. I mean, really look at him.
Like I said before, Jon isn’t the kind of guy I’m normally attracted to. Gauges in his earlobes. Unruly dark hair hanging over one eye. His face hasn’t seen a razor in days, and he’s probably got more tattoos and piercings elsewhere on his body that I can’t see. However, and this is a big however, anyone w
ith a vagina, and some with penises, would agree that he’s totally hot.
So you see, it’s okay that he’s not really my type. I’m not looking to fall in love or start anything long-term. I just want a temporary bandage. Someone to help shrink the mess inside me until I can figure out how to do it on my own.
Besides, it’s my birthday, I’m buzzed, and I deserve a little fun. I’m trying to forget all that heavy shit anyway. It doesn’t exist in the new world I’m trying to create for myself.
I take a step toward him, then another and another. Until he’s the one pressed against the wall and I’m the one caging him in. Which makes me the one in control.
At first he looks a little surprised. Not pissed-off surprised, but the kind of surprised you feel when you open a present that’s not what you expect but is still really cool. He grins and there’s a mischievous gleam in his eye. He seems totally fine with the power reversal.
I relax and let my body take over.
I’m not sure how long we kiss back there, but somehow we end up on the dance floor. His hands are on my hips and my arms are above my head. I’m laughing. He’s laughing. Then he’s turning me around. Back at his table, he pulls me onto his lap and I smear frosting on his lips from one of my birthday cupcakes. Then I kiss it off.
I want him to come home with me, and I tell him so. I’m not ready for this night to be over.
He cups my jaw and whispers in my ear. “I want you, Ivy. So fucking bad. But you need to be completely sober, because afterward, when you’re lying there in the dark, I want you to know it was your choice. Your decision. No one else’s.”
I literally melt into him when he kisses me again.
“Plus,” he says against my lips. “I want you to remember everything.”
chapter nine
I can hear you best when the world falls asleep
and I open myself to the stars.
~ From Jon’s collection of lyrics
Jon
The sound of water rushing and clanging through the pipes isn’t my favorite way to wake from a deep sleep. But that’s one of the drawbacks of living in an old house with old plumbing. When someone flushes or showers, it’s really loud. Given that most of my roommates are slobs, I doubt someone’s doing the dishes or laundry. Rolling over, I bury my head under the pillow, hoping I can fall asleep again. I’m not ready to get up yet.