by J. Saman
“Yes. Crazy, right?”
“Um.” He looks like he’s deciding how to respond. “A little maybe,” He chuckles uncomfortably. “Did you ever break up?”
“Nope,” I laugh at his expression. “And yes, before you ask, he’s the only man I’ve ever slept with.”
“Fuck.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I’ve never heard of anything like that.”
“I know, right?” I laugh, hitting Ryan in the arm playfully. “We just worked, you know? It never even occurred to me to break up or date someone else.”
He smiles a crooked smile. “That’s actually pretty sweet. Innocent and a little twisted maybe, but sweet.”
I laugh, smacking him again and he feigns injury, rubbing his arm like I hurt him. Pussy.
“Can I ask…” he trails off looking uncomfortable, like he’s afraid to push his luck. “What was your daughter like?”
“Perfection personified,” I answer automatically and he nods once as if he’s not surprised by my easy response. My hand clasps my pendant. “She had hair like mine and eyes like Eric’s. Sort of a perfect mixture of both of us, but totally tenacious. At the age of two she had mastered the art of manipulating her parents. Especially Eric. He gave her whatever she asked for. He could never say no to her.”
I swallow down the burn in the back of my throat as I think on that. I don’t want to think on that or I’ll cry. I know I will.
So I continue and he lets me, staying silent while I work through this.
I haven’t talked about either of them really and I don’t know why I’m doing it now with a virtual stranger, but I am. There’s something freeing about talking to Ryan, and I’m taking full advantage.
“She was smart,” I say reverently. “I mean,” I laugh a little self-consciously, “I know all parents say that about their kids, but she totally was. She got the ABCs down after me singing it to her twice and could count to twenty at the age of two.”
He looks over at me with a small smile. “Smart like her mommy.” I smile back at the compliment, ignoring the burn in my chest at the word mommy.
I keep going. I can’t seem to stop myself.
“Eric really wanted a boy.” Ryan looks over to me, a little stunned. “He wouldn’t even discuss girls’ names.”
“You didn’t find out ahead of time?” I love that he asked me that question.
I shake my head no. “There are few really good surprises in life, and finding out the gender of your baby upon delivery is one of them.”
Ryan nods like he can understand that logic. “So was Eric really upset when you had a girl?”
I shake my head again, thrilled that Ryan is interested in this conversation. That he’s asking me about them and really listening to my answers. It feels…good.
“No. When Maggie came out they placed her on my stomach and he began to weep with the biggest grin on his face. Said he couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than our little girl and if he died that moment, he’d die happy,” I smile, but it’s so freaking sad that it turns into a frown and tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
“Shit,” Ryan says, looking over to me and reaching out like he’s about to grab my hand. He doesn’t and his hand goes back to the wheel, but he looks stricken. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked anything.”
“No,” I shake my head, trying to smile through my tears. “Thank you for asking me about them.”
He’s baffled. “How can you say that? You’re crying.”
“I am,” I nod in agreement. “But no one ever asks me about them. Probably because I don’t usually want to talk about them, and they’re afraid of this,” I point to my tears. “But today I did want to talk about them, and you asked, and it was exactly what I needed, so thank you.”
He sighs out, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just going to say this and I’m sure you’ve already heard it a million times over, but whatever. I mean it, so I’m going to say it.” I look at him with bated breath because I have no idea where he’s going with this. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Katie.” My breath stalls. “Thank you for sharing all of that with me.”
I smile, but it’s weak. “Thank you for listening, Ryan. You’re an amazing listener.” He chuckles lightly and I suddenly wonder. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
He laughs out at my random change of topic. “No.”
“No, as in not right now, or no, as in never?” Some guys are just players and don’t do the girlfriend thing. That could be Ryan. I doubt highly that he would have trouble getting a woman if he wanted one, so it has to be something else.
“I’ve had girlfriends.”
He’s being intentionally obtuse and I’m about to pounce on that, because I don’t especially do that. “Tell me about your last one then.”
He looks uncomfortable and I wonder if I’m overstepping, but just when I’m about to retract my question, he answers.
“Her name was Francesca. We were together for two years and she was my world.” Shit. This isn’t going to end well and I wish I hadn’t gone there with him. I feel like such a bitch right now. “I found out about eight months ago that she was cheating on me with someone I worked with.” I gasp. I can’t help it. “I think they’re engaged now.” My eyes bug out of my head and he nods. “It hurt. I won’t lie about that. I loved her and thought she could be the one, but she’s not.” He shrugs like it’s that simple, but I can’t imagine it being so. “Stop looking at me like that, Katie. It’s fine. I’m relieved not to be with her anymore. She wasn’t who I thought she was, and I was blind to the rest. I’m headed out to Seattle and I’ve met you and I’m looking forward, not back. It’s the way it’s meant to be.”
“Jesus, I wish I had your mindset on things,” I blurt out, but I realize just how much I mean it once I’ve said it. “Sorry, I just can’t imagine anyone choosing some other guy over you.” And now I’m blushing because I know how that sounded.
He grins widely. “Maybe we’re both headed for better things then.”
“Maybe,” I agree with so much hope inside of me it’s not even funny.
“Hey, Ryan?” I ask after a few minutes of silence.
“Yes?”
I smirk. “I bet he has a really small dick and sucks in bed.”
He smiles huge. “I bet he does too.” Then he winks at me conspiratorially. “Can we stop soon for food? I’m getting hungry and need to stretch a bit.”
“Definitely. You know me, I never turn down food.”
He looks to me with the most serious of expressions. “Yes. I do know you.”
Our eyes lock for another moment before he turns back to the road. I suddenly feel heat everywhere and that warm bubbly sensation rises over me. I’ve known this guy less than a week, but I think he may be right.
He does know me. And I think I may know him too.
And that’s okay.
I sort of like that about our friendship.
By the time we pull into Charleston, it’s late and we’re both fried. We had stopped for a little while in Myrtle Beach and almost stayed the night, but then we decided to just finish the trip here. The hotel that we picked is right on the ocean and looks big and beautiful. I drove the last part from Myrtle Beach and we got stuck in traffic so what should have been a two-hour drive, ended up being more like three and a half.
Ryan is a good sport, and kept my frustration to a minimum by playing stupid games like would you rather. I now know a lot more about Ryan than I thought I would, let me just say that.
Speaking of Ryan, he’s walking towards me with an uneasy expression. He had gone to check in for both of us while I watched our stuff and stretched my legs a bit in the lobby.
“So um, bad news.”
“What?” I groan, sagging a bit. I’m so not in the mood for bad news.
“They only have one room left. It has two queen beds, but that’s it.” He’s trying to say this with a brighter ton
e and it’s absolutely for my benefit. Now I feel like a snobby bitch for complaining. “It’s just one night or we could try to find a different hotel.”
I walk over and give him a hug because he’s really being so wonderful and trying to keep me happy and I’m sure he’s just as spent as I am.
“No,” I shake my head as I pull back. “It’s just one night. I’m sorry if I’m being bratty.”
He laughs a little. “You’re not being bratty.” I cock an eyebrow and he smiles big. “Maybe a bit, but I get it. You’re tired.” He’s teasing me now and I playfully smack his arm, making him laugh again. “So you’re good with the shared room? They said they’ll have two rooms tomorrow should we stay.”
“Yes, Ryan Grant, I’m good. Let’s get me to bed.”
He gives me a look I can’t quite figure out before grabbing both of our suitcases and walking towards the elevator. I’ve stopped fighting him when it comes to carrying my bag, he has been insistent on doing it for some reason.
The room is large with a pretty bathroom, two beds and even a balcony that faces the ocean. Bonus.
“This is great.”
He nods once, staring at the beds and then me. “You can use the restroom first if you’d like?”
“Thanks,” I grin, trying to ease the awkward discomfort I can feel rolling off of him.
He’s weary and I get that.
We don’t know each other that well and spending the night in the same room is a bit…delicate.
I take what I need out of my suitcase, use the bathroom, brush my teeth and change into what I plan to wear to bed. I can’t exactly call them pajamas because they’re not. Normally I don’t wear anything to sleep, other than my panties. Eric loved it, but something tells me that wouldn’t be appropriate for Ryan. So I’m wearing a thin white tank top and boy shorts. I’d go baggier, but then I’d be tossing and turning from the discomfort of the extra material against me.
Ryan’s eyes dodge me as he grabs his stuff and walks right into the bathroom. I crawl into the bed closest to the bathroom and roll on my side away from his bed. I figure he’ll want as much privacy as I can give him. I hear the shower start and the sound of water running through the pipes sooths me and before I know it, I’m out.
Chapter 6
Kate
I wake early—much the way I do every morning—but on this particular morning, I am instantly aware of the large body in the next bed. His soft, steady breathing fills the otherwise quiet room, making me hyperaware of every move and sound I make so I don’t wake him.
I grab my running stuff, bringing it into the bathroom with me and shut the door behind me as softly as I can. I haven’t had to deal with sneaking around in the predawn hours in quite some time, and it is a strange feeling. A sad one too, so I’m trying not to think too deeply on it right now.
Once I’m finished, I shut off the lights before opening the door to the restroom and sneak out with exaggerated tiptoe movements.
“Katie?” Ryan calls out, his voice raspy with sleep.
“Shit. Sorry.” I take a few steps back into the main room. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“What time is it?” Even though the room is still pretty dark, I can make him out as he rubs his hands up and down his face, rolling over to check the clock.
“It’s early. Go back to sleep,” I whisper.
“Why are you up?” He flops down onto his back again, the blanket only covering him from the waist down, giving me a decent view of his chest.
A chest I should not be looking at.
“I was going to go for an early run on the beach.”
“Okay.” He sits up, and holy shit, his chest is large and muscular, and did I mention holy shit?
“What are you doing?” I whisper shriek, though I have no idea why I’m bothering to whisper, or shriek for that matter. “Go back to bed.”
“Nah. I’ll come with you for the run, if that’s all right?” He’s rubbing up and down his face again, scratching his beard and reaching for his glasses on the nightstand.
“Oh. Um. Sure,” I shrug, though he’s not looking at me. His back is to me now and it’s just as amazing as his chest. I really need to look away because I feel like a creeper.
I turn towards the door, giving him privacy as he stands up wearing only his boxer briefs.
“Great. Just give me a few minutes.” I hear him rustling through his suitcase and then he walks past me into the bathroom. I take the extra time to stretch out, and a few minutes later he walks out wearing a sleeveless Eagles football tee, running shorts and sneakers. His inky hair is a mess and he still looks half awake. “You ready?”
“Yes, are you?” I jest and he throws me an eye that makes me laugh. “Eagles, huh?” I mutter, eyeing his shirt, making him chuckle lightly. He knows I’m a huge Patriots fan. We talked sports yesterday during our drive.
As we find our way outside, the morning is cool, but not cold and the sun is just starting to make itself known on the horizon. It’s glorious.
“Do you always run this early?”
“Usually, if I can,” I tell him as we start down the beach and set off at a decent pace. Running on the beach is really freaking hard if you’re not used to it so after a minute or two I can really feel my heart going and the familiar trickle of sweat on the back of my neck and in my cleavage. “I didn’t know you ran.”
“When I can, I try to,” he looks down at me with a smirk. “The hotel has laundry service so I was thinking of sending some out today if you need anything done,” he pants out, but doesn’t sound overly winded and from what I saw briefly this morning, Ryan is in good shape.
“Yes. I could use some clean stuff.”
We run in silence, enjoying the sunrise over the ocean and I swear there are few things more beautiful than this. Pinks and purples and yellows fill the sky, bathing us in light. The salty breeze brushes my skin, sticking to my moistened flesh.
I think wherever I end up deciding to move, the ocean has to be a part of it. The south, not so much because as the sun rises, so does the muggy humidity. Yuck. Not my thing. I prefer cooler weather.
We finish our run, and after walking another hundred or so yards, we both sink into the cool sand, watching the waves crash onto the shore as we catch our breath.
“I’m not going to kill myself today,” I whisper, grasping my pendant.
“What?” Ryan snaps, his head whipping towards me and I realize that I just said that out loud. I blanch, biting my lip because I don’t know what to say. I’m mortified. “Did you just say that you weren’t going to kill yourself today?” He’s angry. No wait, he’s furious. His face is getting redder by the moment, his eyes blazing. “Was that a fucking possibility?”
“N-No,” I stutter. “Not really.”
“What the hell does that mean, Katie?” I don’t know what to say. “Answer me,” he bites out and I stand up, because I suddenly can’t sit anymore.
I’ve never been so humiliated in my life and right now, I just want to run away from the look he’s giving me.
“It’s not really. Not anymore,” I answer, my voice shaking. “It’s just something I say now. Sort of like a daily affirmation or something.”
He stands now too, walking towards the water with his back to me, his hands on his hips and his chin to his chest.
“But it was, right? Did you ever try to hurt yourself?” He’s maybe a little less angry, maybe.
“I didn’t because I made myself promise not to every morning, and occasionally at other times during the day. But lately, it’s only been in the morning.” I’m being honest with him on this for the most part. The week before I moved was tough, but he doesn’t need to know that.
“Fuck,” he barks out, running his hands through is sweat dampened hair. “That’s bullshit, Katie.”
And now it’s my turn to get angry.
“Don’t you dare judge me, Ryan,” I snap, putting my hands on my
hips and leering into his back. “Don’t you dare. You have no idea what I went through. What I’ve gone through over the last two years. No. Fucking. Idea.”
His back is rising and falling, heavy with his breaths. He looks like he’s trying to calm himself down and is failing miserably at it.
“I not only lost my husband—the love of my entire life—but I had to watch my baby girl die in front of me knowing I could not save her.” His head snaps up, looking out towards the water, his shoulders tense. “She was brought to my hospital and I was down in the room while they worked on her. While they pushed on her chest and defibrillated and stuck her full of medicines and tubes. I was there!” I yell and it feel so fucking good to do that, rage and adrenaline coursing through me. “I watched as the monitor flat-lined and her life slipped away. Then I held her small, lifeless body, knowing it was going to be for the last time.” Now the tears are coming in full force like I just opened the dam. “That it was going to be the last time I smelled her hair or kissed her soft skin or whispered that I loved her in her ear. That the second I left her body I’d never see her again,” I sob out. “You have no idea what that kind of pain is like. You can get over losing your spouse. It’s agony and impossible, but that sort of loss happens and people move on.” He turns to look at me now with an unreadable expression, the sun surrounding his body making him glow and leaving his face cast in a shadow. “But losing your child like that?” I shake my head. “There are no words to describe the utter devastation.” I drop my face into my hands. “You’re not supposed to bury your child,” I cry out, feeling the grief sweep over me like a suffocating wave, taking away my ability to move or breath.
His arms are around me now, pulling me into his sweat-soaked shirt.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I’m so sorry,” he says into the top of my hair as he holds me tighter and tighter. “I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong and I’m sorry. Please forgive me, Katie. Please,” he begs and I can hear the anguish in his voice. “I didn’t mean to judge you. I just…” he pauses, pulling me back so I have to look up at him. “I care about you, okay?” His thumbs wipe away the tears that have started to slow. “I get that we’ve only known each other less than a week, but when you spend this kind of time with someone it becomes inevitable.”