by J. Saman
“Do you want to go straight up to Seattle?”
“No.” His tone is firm. “I don’t. I’d like to spend these last two weeks with you, and I promise that I’ll be more myself going forward.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I offer quietly, turning to face him though he is still not looking at me.
“No. I don’t. It won’t help, but thank you for offering.”
“If you change your mind, I’m always here for you.”
He sighs out and it sounds sad, maybe a little resigned. “I know you are. You’re an amazing friend, Katie. Good night.”
“Good night, Ryan.”
Sleep comes quickly for me despite the unrest inside of me.
My first thought when I wake up is that the air conditioner must be broken, which sucks because we’re in the desert. My second thought is that Ryan is not going to be happy when he wakes up and finds me wrapped around him like a vine. I have no idea how I managed to crawl my body across this bed and latch onto him like this, but I did.
And the irony of it all? I’ve never been a night-time snuggler.
Eric and I always stuck to our own respective sides of the bed and woke up the same way.
So just what the absolute fuck am I doing right now?
Despite how nice it feels to be against his warm skin, I need to move before he wakes up to find me like this. Ever so slowly, I try and slide my leg from between his thighs and my arm from underneath his, but as I do, he begins to stir. Shit.
“Mmm,” he hums, rolling into me and burying his nose in my hair, further pinning me against him. He’s still asleep, but now I have no idea how I am going to move because he is holding me like a vice. His arms are wrapped around me, plastering me against his bare chest and my leg is tucked tightly between his.
I try pulling back again anyway.
“Katie,” he whispers, rocking into me. Holy hell, he’s practically hard. I know it’s just morning wood, but damn.
I move back again and this time his eyes flash open to find my face only inches from his. He startles, eyes wide, blinking rapidly for a moment before a soft smile lights up his sleepy face.
“Did I do this or did you?” he whispers and I’m a bit relieved that he’s not pissed about it.
“I did, I think.” I bite my lip nervously. “Sorry.”
He chuckles softly. “Are you always this clingy in bed?”
I laugh lightly and shake my head against his pillow. “No. Normally I’m not a cuddler.”
He hasn’t let me go. Why hasn’t he let me go? Why do I not want him to?
“I don’t think I’ve ever woken up with someone this way.”
“Neither have I,” I smile and then he smiles, and then we’re both smiling at each other like this is so unbelievable to both of us and yet, we still don’t pull away.
His eyes are looking into mine and mine are looking into his and suddenly, I’m full of flutters and nervous anticipation.
His eyes are so beautiful. Such an incredible shade of green. His nose isn’t too big or too small, and has the perfect amount of character like it was broken once upon a time and he never got it fixed. His lips are surrounded by the dark bristles of his beard, but they’re full and look soft.
I scroll back up his face, examining feature by feature until I reach his eyes.
They look different.
The green is eclipsed by dark, dilated pupils that bounce back and forth between my lips and my eyes. There is heat in them. There is a question in them as well and I know I should draw back. I know I should, but I absolutely cannot make myself do it.
“Katie?” he asks softly. It’s a question and a promise.
His head moves infinitesimally towards mine, and like the other half of a magnet, mine inches towards his. That’s all the consent he needs before he closes the small distance and presses his lips to mine. He holds this position for a moment like he is giving me an out if I want to stop this.
I don’t.
I really freaking don’t, so I kiss him back.
Chapter 13
Kate
A hum escapes Ryan’s throat and it is quite possibly the best sound I have ever heard. His lips press harder into mine, moving against me in a way that I feel all the way down to my toes. My hands glide up his muscular arms, savoring the feel of them as I continue up into his hair. This sets something off in him because all of a sudden our slow languid pace becomes passionate and eager for more.
He opens my mouth with his, and when our tongues meet, he groans into me.
God, I could live off of that sound.
One of his hands is on my lower back pressing me further into him, his other beneath me, sliding down my braid until he reaches the elastic. He pulls it from my hair and then unfolds my braid little by little, running his fingers through the strands.
It is so freaking hot I can hardly stand it.
Ryan’s head moves, adjusting the angle of our kiss, deepening it.
I can’t seem to get enough. I’m starving and he is the only thing that can feed this hunger. He rocks into me and a moan slips out between my lips, which makes him groan as if he enjoys my sounds just as much as I enjoy his.
“Katie,” he breathes against my lips between kisses. “Oh god, Katie, I’ve wanted this for so long.”
I can’t respond, I just moan into his mouth again as my fingers rake up the planes of his muscular chest. The bristles of his beard brush against my cheek and neck as his mouth explores my sensitive skin.
I can’t get enough.
I want more, more, more.
His kisses are the best sort of drug and I’m high on them.
Suddenly his hand cups my breast under my tank top, making my head roll back and an embarrassingly loud moan fly out of my lips.
“Fuck,” he hisses. “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
That’s my cue though, the wake up I needed, because my breasts are like the point of no return. I push off of him, creating some space between us. Ryan freezes, his hand slipping out of my shirt.
“Did I hurt you?” His voice sounds panicked.
“No,” I pant out, shaking my head back and forth. “But we need to stop.”
He leans up on his elbow, furrowing his brow, looking at me with confusion and maybe a little alarm. “Why? What did I do?”
I shake my head again, reaching out and running my fingers along his cheek. He leans into my touch, but never takes his eyes off of me.
“First of all, my boobs are really freaking sensitive and I have trouble stopping once they come into the game.”
His eyes turn to molten fire, flying down to look at my chest through my thin tank top.
“Jesus Katie, you can’t tell me things like that and then ask me to stop,” he groans, dropping his head into the crook of his arm.
“I’m sorry,” I giggle out and then stop laughing when he throws me a look that says he is not amused. “But we do need to stop.”
He sits up now, bringing me with him. “Why? Did I do something wrong?”
“No. You’re incredible, but that’s why I need to stop this before we keep going.” He scrunches his eyebrows totally confused. Probably because I’m not making a whole lot of sense. I lower my head slightly, suddenly unable to meet his eyes. “I’m not ready for sex, Ryan.”
He reaches up, lifting my chin so that my attention is on him. “Yet or ever?”
I shrug. “Yet, but I don’t know when I will be.”
“But you’re okay with me kissing you?”
He seems to be working this through and I sort of appreciate that he didn’t jump out of bed or get angry with me. But then I realize that Ryan isn’t like that. He looks at an entire situation before he reacts and right now, I absolutely love that about him.
He’s so patient and…fuck, he’s just perfect.
“Well, I rather like the kissing,” I say and he grins devilishly. “But I�
�m not ready for more yet, and I’m really not ready for a relationship or anything like it.”
“Huh.” He sits back, the blanket over his waist leaving his spectacular chest exposed. Not helping, Ryan. “So you’re good with me kissing you whenever I want?” He throws me an eyebrow like he’s daring me to argue with what feels like the formation of a new plan. “But I can’t touch your sensitive, absolutely gorgeous tits.” I don’t comment on that. “And you’re not ready for sex…yet.” I get another eyebrow and I bite my lip to hide my smile. “Or a relationship. Did I get the gist of what you’re trying to tell me?”
I nod my head, still biting my lip, suddenly feeling a little exposed and nervous.
I have no idea what I’m proposing here between us, but it changes everything. How will that impact the next two weeks? I don’t want a relationship, but if he’s talking about kissing me whenever he wants, what the hell are we then?
Friends who kiss?
Yeah, that one always works out well.
But I don’t want a relationship. I don’t. I still feel married and taken, and suddenly, I feel like I’m cheating on Eric.
“Katie, stop. I see your wheels spinning and they don’t need to.” My eyes widen up at him because I’m shocked he can read me so well. “All right, I’m going to be honest with you, since you’re being so honest with me.”
“Okay.”
He shifts his position, reaching out for my hips and pulling me closer to his side. His fingers run through my messy wavy locks and he smiles deeply.
“I like you. A lot. I think you’re incredible and I really like kissing you. Do I want more than kissing with you? Of course I do. Badly in fact, but I would never do something with you that you’re not ready for. So if all you’re offering me right now is the kissing with the eventual possibility of more, then I’m good with that,” he smiles, leaning down to brush his lips against mine as if to prove his point before pulling back. “I’m great with it actually.”
“And you’re fine with not being in a relationship or anything like that?” I realize he’s a guy and that is probably not an issue for him, but I need to make sure.
He looks pensive for a moment, and then nods. “Yeah. I’m okay with that. I just want to enjoy the last two weeks of this journey with you and all that entails.”
“Wow.”
I don’t really know what else to say.
Not many men would willingly enter into a PG non-relationship with a woman without at least the promise of sex. Maybe he thinks that’s eventually where this is headed, and it could be but I just don’t know.
I honestly don’t, so I won’t tell him yes or no either way.
“Now. I’d like to kiss the hell out of you for a bit longer until I can’t take it anymore, and then I’d like to go for a hike through the Grand Canyon before we head to Vegas.”
“I’m liking all of those things,” I smile at his playful expression. He seems so much lighter today than he has the past few days.
“Good. Now get your sexy ass over here.” He picks me up, settling me on his thighs, before laying back and bringing me up so that I’m straddling his stomach. “You’re so small, Katie. In this situation, it’s a good thing. I think if you were pressed against me a little lower this would never work.”
I laugh, leaning down to kiss him. “Agreed.”
We kiss and touch safe areas, looking and smiling at each other a lot, until Ryan suddenly tosses me off him onto the bed and announces that he needs to go take a shower immediately.
I get it. Actually, I see it as he walks by me.
“Don’t look at me like that, Katie. You’re killing me, and I’m trying so hard to be good,” he says with a smile as he stands at the foot of the bed.
I’m biting my lip trying to hide my smile. “Yes, you certainly are trying hard to be good.”
He groans, dropping his head back and stalks heavily towards the bathroom. “I’m going to get you back for that.”
“Promise?” I call out and he groans again as he slams the door behind him, making me laugh.
The sound of the water running through the pipes fills the room as he starts the shower, and I get up and walk towards the window. It is a beautiful day. Bright and sunny.
After he comes out of the shower, wrapped in another freaking towel, I go into the bathroom and get changed, but I don’t shower. No point since we’re planning on hiking.
“Ready?” he asks when I walk out in running shorts, a sports bra and tank top.
“Ready.”
He smiles, walks to me and kisses me like crazy until we’re both breathless. “Now we’re ready.”
“Maybe all this kissing is a bad idea,” I jest.
He takes my hand and leads me out of the room towards the lobby. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Kissing is a perfect idea. Definitely one of the better ones I’ve had,” he winks down at me, and I can only shake my head at him.
He is too freaking cute when he’s playful like this.
The Grand Canyon is everything I always thought it would be and more. Incredible and picturesque and phenomenal. Jagged cliffs, red earth and the river cutting through the canyon.
We hike one of the many trails—which is actually pretty challenging—for a couple of hours.
By the time we are finished we’re both covered in sweat and sunscreen and dirt, but it was worth it. We both took a million pictures along the way, but at the top, with the canyon vast and glorious behind us, we take a selfie together.
Then Ryan kisses me hard, and takes more of us like that.
When he pulls away he is smiling so big, it’s infectious and I’m smiling too and I feel…happy.
I feel fucking happy and then that turns to guilt and the vicious cycle begins all over again. I do my best to push it down and just be in the moment with Ryan. Eventually that wins out.
We load up our stuff into the car for the short trip over to Vegas. Neither one of us has bought a whole lot along the way, so it’s still just our suitcases and my boxes that I have left untouched. Once we hit the highway, Ryan is introspective again.
“Everything good?” I ask, turning in my seat to face him since he’s driving.
“Yes, I was just thinking.”
“About?” I prompt.
“You and me.” This makes me a little nervous. “I’m thinking that we should share a room from now on. No more two rooms.” He looks over at me quickly to try and gauge my reaction before turning back to the road.
“I don’t know, Ryan. I mean, us sharing a room for the next two weeks is sort of relationship-y.”
“You know that’s not a word, right?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, Professor, I’m fully aware. But it is, don’t you think?”
“Not really, no. I think it’s cost-effective and smart.” He’s giving me his crooked grin again, and it’s hard to say no to him when he does that.
“One bed or two?”
“One. I liked waking up with you wrapped around me this morning.”
“And this still stays within the realm of no sex and no relationship?” I ask dubiously. That just doesn’t seem right.
“Sure,” he shrugs like it’s not the big deal I’m making it out to be.
“Okay, but then how will we handle splitting the room? You do one place I do the next?”
“Um no. That won’t work for me.” He looks over at me again. He’s having way too much fun with this. “I’m going to pay for the hotels from here on out.”
“No,” I’m shaking my head emphatically. “Absolutely not.”
He sighs. “Listen, Katie,” he reaches out for my hand, intertwining our fingers. “I have more money than I could spend in two lifetimes, and this is something I want to do.”
“I don’t care if you have the money for it, Ryan. That just doesn’t seem right, or fair.”
“Sweetheart,” he’s trying to hide his smile and failing. “I’ll
let you pay for some meals, if that makes you feel better.”
“It really doesn’t,” I grumble.
“Look, I’ve never really been a first class all the way guy, but that’s sort of how I want to finish up this trip.”
“I hope that’s not for my sake, because I really don’t need that.”
“It’s not.” He squeezes my hand. “When the hell else in our lives will we go on a trip like this? Have this kind of time? Never. Let’s enjoy it.”
I narrow my eyes at him, still not sure how I feel about him paying for all the hotels. And then there is the whole sleeping together every night thing. Yeah, I’m going to have to think on that one a little more. But for now I say, “All right, Ryan.” He smiles huge, so I hurry my words. “As long as you let me pay for meals and fun.”
“Some meals and some fun.”
“There really is just no winning with you, is there?”
He raises our joined hands up to his lips, kissing my fingers. “Don’t kill my buzz, Katie. Try and enjoy the moment.”
“Are you ever going to tell me more about your work?”
He looks over at me with a smirk. “My work? Sort of a random topic changer, don’t you think?”
“No. You talked about your money, which I assume is from your work.”
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t like to talk about either.”
“I’m not asking about your money, Ryan. Frankly, I could care less about what you have and what you don’t. But I am curious about what you do for a living.”
“I do a lot of things with computers.”
“Vague and completely unhelpful,” I smack his shoulder with my free hand, making him laugh.
“I create apps, do cyber security as well as other things. That’s all I’m giving you.”
“And it’s not illegal?” I confirm, because last time he said it wasn’t, but the way he doesn’t talk about it makes it seem like it is.
“No.”
“Do you want me to stop asking you about it?”
“Yes, but it’s not that I don’t want share with you, because I do. It’s just that I keep my work very separate.”