by J. Saman
“Did it turn into something more? Your mother was sure it would. Said he was your childhood prince or something.” Her tone is even, maybe a little hopeful, which I don’t get.
Or maybe I’m just hearing what I want to hear.
“Why would Mom say that to you?” I’m so pissed off right now.
“Don’t be upset with her. I wasn’t.”
That totally confuses me.
“He… I—” I run a hand through my hair, covering my eyes. I can’t handle this conversation. I don’t want to hurt her.
“Honey,” her tone is soft. “I’m hoping it did turn into more. If he’s a good man, worthy of a woman like you, then it would make me so very happy to hear that you’re with him now.”
“How?” I can barely get the word out. I’m totally flabbergasted.
“What?” she half laughs. “Did you think I’d want you to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life?”
“Um…” I really don’t have a response to that.
“Kate,” she says my name all motherly, with a stern intonation. “What I want is for you to be happy. That’s all Eric ever wanted too. It would kill him all over again to know that you’ve been suffering the way you have, for as long as you have. He loved you with all his heart, and he would want you to find someone and start again. Have more babies. Be happy,” she emphasizes.
Fuck, I’m crying so hard I can barely breathe.
“Did something happen with this new man?”
“Yes,” I sob out, curling into myself. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for it to happen.”
“Stop that. I’m happy for you if he’s what you want. You’re doing nothing wrong by being with another man. It’s a good thing. A healthy thing.”
“No,” I shake my head even though she can’t see it. “I feel like I’m betraying Eric’s memory. Our marriage. My love for him.”
“You listen to me, now,” her tone is unyielding, leaving no room for argument or interpretation. “You are doing no such thing. You loved Eric and he loved you. No one is questioning that. Eric never once questioned it. You should love another man. You should get married again and have more children.”
“I don’t know how, Rebecca,” I admit feeling so…lost. “I do love Ryan. He’s the person I was traveling with, and he’s so incredible. But I just can’t cross this bridge. I still feel like I’m married to Eric.” My head rolls back against the wood headboard and I stare up at the rattan ceiling fan that’s going around and around.
“Honey. You’re not moving on from Eric’s memory, from your marriage to him. You’re not forgetting him. You’re moving forward. You will always love Eric. You will always have the wonderful happy memories of your life with him. But that was your old life, Kate. You hear me?” she says forcefully. “Your old life. Did you ever consider that Eric is the love of your old life, and this man could be the love of your new one?”
No. No, I did not, because I never considered my marriage to Eric, my life before, as an old life and this as a new one. “I don’t know what to do,” I confess, feeling so defeated and broken all over again.
“You’re going to get the hell out of Hawaii for starters.” Damn I love this woman. “You’re going to go back and get your life together. Get a job, make some friends, start again. And if you want it to include this Ryan in that, all the better.”
“Shit,” I laugh out. “What did I do to deserve you as my mother-in-law?”
“Knock that crap off. You’re my daughter forever, and that means I’ll always want what’s best for you. Now, hang up with me and go out and find yourself again. You’ve been missing for far too long.”
I do hang up with her shortly after that, and take the longest shower ever—mostly because I’m so lost in thought—then I pack my bags and do as I was told.
I leave Hawaii.
Chapter 29
Ryan
“The agent for the homeowner is calling again,” my assistant Claire calls out to me from my home office. “Do you want me to pick up, or let it go to voicemail?”
“Let it go to voicemail,” I yell back from the kitchen. “I already told them I haven’t decided about purchasing. I’ve still got three more months left on my lease, for fuck’s sake,” I snap, like their constant pestering is Claire’s fault. Why is there no food in my house?
“Don’t bitch at me, Ryan,” she hollers back. “I don’t take that crap and you know it.” We’re getting a little stir crazy in my house. The snow outside is out of control, and since Seattle is known for rain and not snow, the city doesn’t know how to handle it and shuts down.
Pussies.
They should try spending a winter in Philly or Boston.
I walk back from the kitchen into the office, where I find Claire sitting on the couch with her phone next to her, along with my cell phone and her tablet perched on her lap.
“Sorry. I just wish the building was open.” I purchased space in a building downtown about two months back, but with the damn snow, it’s closed and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
“I know. Grow up and get over it. Just be thankful that your brilliant assistant lives within walking distance, or you’d be on your own.”
Is it wrong that I love how unprofessional Claire is with me?
I mean, who the hell talks to their boss like that?
Freaking Millennials.
“The four people Luke hired to run the new contracts start tomorrow, and I have to get their paperwork in order before they can.”
“That’s why I pay you the big bucks, Claire. Did you want to stay for dinner? I’m starving and praying that the Thai place is both open and delivering.” I sit in my desk chair after snatching my phone off the couch.
I have their number programmed into my phone already, which some may consider sad, but I consider a necessity.
Especially since I have zero food in my house at the moment.
“No. I have a date tonight, and I need to go home to shower and shave for him.”
I cover my ears with my hands. “Jesus, Claire. Would it kill you to have a little professional decorum? I don’t fucking want to hear about you shaving for anyone.”
She smiles brightly as she winks one of her dark blue eyes at me. “Professional is not really my style, and definitely not why you pay me the “big bucks”, as you old people call it,” she puts air quotes around the words. Tucking her tablet into her messenger bag along with her phone, she stands up, her dark red hair straggling under her bright green beanie.
“Later skater,” she throws me a wave and heads for the front door.
I shake my head just a little indulgently before calling in my dinner, and the gods are smiling on me because they’re not only open, they’ll be here in less than an hour.
Awesome.
Claire’s voice catches my attention and it takes me a moment to realize that she’s actually talking to another person. Why is she still here? I get up and walk towards the sound of her voice, wondering if it’s something for me that explains her lingering, when I freeze mid-step.
She’s not on the phone. She’s talking to someone who is at my front door.
What the hell?
Claire’s formal intonation reaches my ears. “Yes, he’s here.” Huh? Who could be looking for me? Judging by her tone, it’s not good. I can’t hear who she’s speaking to, though. Maybe it’s a neighbor or something. “Do you want me to get him, or are you just going to stand there soaking wet and freezing?”
I take another few steps in the direction of the door, but still hold back in case it’s someone I don’t want to deal with.
Claire isn’t being a bitch, though her words aren’t exactly kind.
“No.” It’s a woman’s voice, but it’s faint and difficult to hear. “I should go.”
I halt mid-stride once again.
It can’t be.
I’m hearing the voice I’ve imagined in my head too many time
s.
“I don’t mean to intrude.”
Holy shit.
My heart starts to pound in my chest, and my pace quickens towards the door without conscious thought. I fling the partially ajar door that Claire is blocking all the way open, startling everyone. It’s far too late to play it cool, but I don’t care. I need to know if it’s really her. It’s been three months since she left me in the middle of the night. Three months of unanswered texts.
Three months of fucking misery.
I can feel Claire’s scrutiny on me, but I can’t remove my gaze away from Katie.
Her pale blue eyes are staring up at me, wide as saucers. Her cheeks are the color of roses, as is her nose for that matter. She’s wearing a black winter coat that is soaked through, along with her jeans and boots. Her long blonde hair is sticking out from under her New England Patriot’s—fucking Katie—stocking hat, and is so saturated with moisture that rivers of frozen water are running from it down her shoulders and chest.
She’s stunning.
So fucking beautiful that my breath is caught in my chest.
“Hi,” she offers timidly, shifting her weight and biting her lip. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your company.” She looks at Claire quickly before turning back to me. “I’ll just come back another time.” She looks like she’s about to run again, but I can’t think clearly enough to do anything other than stare at her like a deer in headlights.
“Katie,” it’s all I can manage, and I feel like a prize idiot for the way I’m behaving, but I had started to convince myself that I would never see her again, so excuse me for being shocked as shit right now.
Claire snorts, waving her hand, drawing Katie’s eyes away from mine. “I’m not company, but it’s nice to finally meet you, Kate. This miserable bastard has told me a lot about you.” Claire points her thumb in my direction. “I was just leaving. You should come in, though. You look like you’re about to freeze to death.”
Claire stares at me as though I should take over at this point, like any sane, normal person would do. I can’t seem to be able to form words.
Katie’s eyes widen further, maybe a little panicked. “Um. No. I...” She looks behind her at the street, like she’s second-guessing her decision to show up here.
Finally, my brain catches up. “Katie. Come in, please. Claire, I’ll see you on Monday. Go, before you run out of time and your date shows up early.”
“Shit. Totally forgot.” Claire steps out of my doorway into the dark, snowy, early evening, stopping in front of Katie. “You understand,” she winks at Katie. “I can’t exactly have my date come over when my legs aren’t shaved, right?” She grabs Katie, pulling her in for a hug and whispering something I can’t hear into her ear. Katie laughs, hugging her back like they’re old friends.
They pull apart and Claire pats Katie on the shoulder before shoving her towards the door. I step back, and Katie reluctantly enters the house, looking around like it might be different than it was three months ago. It’s not, so her inspection is short.
“I, um. Shit,” Katie laughs self-consciously as I shut the door behind her. “I’m dripping water all over your house.”
She’s standing still on the entry rug and this is getting awkward.
Awkward and wrong.
“Let me take your coat and then you can go over to the fireplace and warm up.” I’m so glad I lit that thing in anticipation of watching a movie tonight and eating by the fire.
She turns on her heels and smiles up at me. “Thanks, if you’re sure I’m not imposing,” she spews out. “I know I should have called or—”
“You never have to call, and you’re not imposing,” I rush, cutting her off mid-sentence. I need to find my inner, composed, confident self, and quick.
I take her coat, shoving it into the closet by the front door. Her dark green sweater isn’t wet, but her jeans definitely are.
“Do you want to change into something dry?” Please say yes. Please say yes.
“I’m sure the fire will dry me off in no time.” She looks up at me from under her lashes as she takes off her boots and walks with socked feet over to the hearth. Sinking down on the edge of the carpet, she reaches her hands out, hoping to catch the warmth in her fingers, which are no doubt frozen through.
I pad over to the sofa, sinking down into it slowly, unable to take my eyes off of her.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t mean it to come out the way it does, but she shows up at my door after months of radio silence?
I have no idea what this means, or what she’s even doing in Seattle. I guess I’m angry. Yeah, that’s one emotion going through me right now. Ecstatic joy and thrilled beyond belief are there too. Oh, and then there’s dread and anxiety. Can’t forget those.
Her cheeks become even redder if that’s possible, and I feel like a shit for asking her like that.
“I meant, what are you doing in Seattle?” I clarify in a softer tone.
Her small body turns towards me and her eyes fill with…regret? Apology?
“I live in Seattle,” she says so quietly, I have to strain to hear her, and even then it takes me a moment to understand her words.
“What? Since when?” I wasn’t expecting that answer at all, and it’s definitely throwing me through a loop. I lean forward, placing my forearms on my spread thighs.
“For the last two and a half months.”
I shoot up off the couch, pacing towards the dining area with my hand running through my hair. I have no idea where I’m going, but there is no way I can sit right now.
She’s been in Seattle for two and a half months?
That’s practically since she left me.
What. The. Fuck?
“And you’re just showing up now?” I turn on her, resentful, hurt, incredulous and full of unanswered questions.
She stands up, walking towards me and suddenly the last thing I want is her close proximity.
“Please sit down, Ryan. I have a lot to tell you. A lot to explain.”
Her tone is confident, and now that I’m looking at her, really looking at her, I see her eyes are lighter somehow. Not the color necessarily, but they’re lacking the weight that used to surround them.
“Please,” she says again when I don’t move.
Walking back over to the couch, I reluctantly sit down, rubbing my hands up and down my face.
Katie strides over, sitting down next to me, but leaving enough space to maintain my sanity. She smells like the cold and snow—and Katie. I hate the power she has over me. Hate how I still love her as if the months of absence never happened.
“After I left here,” she starts quietly, calmly, her hands folded neatly in her lap. “I hopped on the first flight out, which just so happened to be to Hawaii. I was a mess,” she chuckles lightly, but there is no humor in it. “For so many reasons, really.” She tilts her knees towards me, her eyes locked on mine. “You see, I left because I felt like I was betraying Eric by loving you. By wanting to be with you. I missed Eric terribly, and I thought that if I still missed him like that, then there was no possible way I could ever be with you fully.”
“Katie, that’s not what I was asking for.”
She holds up a hand, stopping me. “Please just let me talk. I know you have a lot to say as well, but if I don’t do this, I’ll never get it out.”
I wave a hand in the air, giving her the floor, though I just want to grab her and pull her into my arms and not bother with the rest. I also want to shove her out the front door and slam it in her face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such conflicting emotions in my entire life.
“At first, it was all about Eric and Maggie. I stayed at the place where we honeymooned, with the sole intention of seeing him in my mind. Of feeling him everywhere I went. And Maggie is a natural extension of everything I do, and always will be, so she was there too. Then you started sending me those texts.” I can’t help but grin, even though it
feels funny on my lips and small in purpose. “I loved those texts, Ryan. Counted down the seconds until I got another. I rarely let my phone out of my sight for fear that I’d miss it. I was indignant and depressed and grief-stricken, and fucking heartbroken for so many reasons, and just…emotionally spent.”
Katie shifts closer to me, but I don’t dare move. I can’t let her touch me. She’s going to leave again the second this conversation is done, and if she touches me, it’ll ruin me for good.
And then what?
Then I’m fucked, that’s what.
“Then one day, out on a walk, I found a boxing studio. My trainer, Tiger—” I raise an eyebrow at the name that she ignores. “—was so amazing. And Ryan?” I look at her fully as my name passes over her lips. “It helped. Something about beating those bags just does it for me,” she smirks, tilting her head down, her wet, blonde hair clinging to her cheek.
The urge to brush it behind her ear is real, but I hold myself back.
“Anyway, I was still so conflicted about everything, and then then a friend called,” her smile widens. “My mother-in-law. Long story short, she set me straight on a lot of things, and that afternoon, I flew back here, to Seattle.”
I stand up, needing to move, and end up pacing around the coffee table in front of the fire, but the heat coming off of it is too much, so I head towards the kitchen, needing a fucking drink.
Katie gets up, following me in.
Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, I pour myself three fingers of whiskey, downing half of it in one gulp.
“You got some for me?” she asks and I smile into my drink as I down the rest of it. I grab another glass and pour her some, before refilling mine.
“So you’ve been here since you came back from Hawaii?” I question and prompt. I need her to keep talking.
She nods, taking a small sip of her whiskey and licking her lips the way she always does after she drinks alcohol. Fuck, I love that.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner.”