by Laura Lee
“I feel like such an idiot,” I mumble into his chest.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “Shh, Kat. You’re allowed to be sad.”
“Was I making a big scene?” I ask. “Honestly, Gavin…how bad was it?”
He strokes my hair. “It wasn’t that bad, I swear. It was only the last minute or so of class. I was about to pull you into the hall but then the bell rang.”
I pull away slightly so I can look him in the eyes. “God, I feel so stupid.”
Gavin braces his hands around my face. “Don’t, Kat. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? Go crawl in my bed with Frodo and get some rest. You shouldn’t be here. It’s too soon. It’s okay to take time to heal.”
“I can’t,” I sniff. “I have to—”
“Gavin, do you have a moment—” We break apart the second we hear the woman’s voice.
Gavin clears his throat. “Sure, Tara. What can I do for you?”
Tara, AKA Ms. Roberts, looks at us suspiciously. “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you had a student in here. I can come back.”
I do everything in my power to avoid eye contact as I walk to my desk to gather my things.
“No need,” Gavin assures her. “Miss Kennedy was just leaving.”
I throw my bag over my shoulder and make my way toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Cooper. Thanks for answering my questions.”
“Of course,” Gavin replies.
I leave the room with as much urgency as possible, hoping I’m not being suspicious. I don’t risk looking back because I’m sure Ms. Roberts is watching me carefully. I know Gavin will find a way to explain what she saw, but I feel shitty for putting him in that position. I need to get my act together and I need to do it pronto.
I take Gavin’s advice and head back to the house. Frodo is sleeping on the couch when I walk through the front door. He stretches languidly as I sit next to him and bumps his head into my arm, begging for attention.
“Hi, buddy,” I say as I run my fingers through his soft fur from head to tail. This spurs him on even more—he moves to my lap and starts rubbing his body against my chest. I smile softly at what I assume is his attempt to comfort me. I once read that animals can sense when you’re in distress and they instinctively offer their support. I know he’s doing his best, but it’s not enough to lift the crushing weight in my chest.
As tenuous as our relationship was, Cybil’s death has left a gaping hole inside of me. I’ve never felt so alone. I realize how stupid that is—the people that I have left are closer to me than she ever was. But they can’t identify with loss like I can. They don’t know what it’s like to have your entire family ripped away in an instant. I hope they never know such devastation which is why I refuse to burden them with my problems. I just need to find a way to hold myself together on the surface until this feeling fades. It has to go away sometime, right?
THE SUN HAS BARELY RISEN as we make our way north on Highway 101. Gavin woke me up ridiculously early telling me I had twenty minutes to shower and dress before he was throwing me in the car. We’ve been on the road for almost an hour and he still hasn’t told me where we’re going.
“C’mon, Gavin. At least give me a hint.”
He gives me a boyish smile. “Like I told you the first three times, no.”
I huff. “Can you at least tell me how much longer we’ll have to drive?”
“Thirty minutes or so. That’s all you’re getting.”
It’s been six weeks since my mom passed. I think I’m doing a pretty good job pretending I have this coping thing down. At school I’ve managed to avoid any additional outbursts. And while my return to the club was difficult, that too, was uneventful since Marcus has yet to show up. To be honest, most days are a blur and those days bleed into weeks. The only moments I can clearly recall are when something reminds me of my mom and I cry in the shower until the water runs cold. And when I come out, Gavin is always right there, taking me into his arms. He’s the one person I can’t fool. No matter what, he knows when I’m having a bad day, and he’s determined to make it better. Sometimes we make love, other times we simply hold each other. The one constant is how therapeutic those moments are. How I always feel a little less fragmented when I wake up the next morning.
I start contemplating our possible destinations when Gavin veers off the main highway and heads east. Where in the hell is he taking me? The only clue I have is the big pile of stuff hiding under a tarp in the back of his SUV. I anxiously tap my fingers as we travel down the two-lane road. I’m trying really hard not to be a bad sport but I hate surprises. In my experience, they’re rarely a good thing. I have to keep reminding myself that Gavin is one of the few trustworthy people in my life.
As promised, approximately a half hour later, he’s turning down a dirt road. I read the sign as we approach the gates to the Siuslaw National Forest campground. Gavin rolls down his window as we pull up to a small ranger’s station.
“Good morning,” the woman in green says. “Will you be needing a day pass?”
“We have reservations under Cooper,” he replies.
She punches a few keys on her computer and stares at the screen for a moment. Then she grabs a small envelope and rectangular piece of paper that she passes through the window. “Make sure you leave this card on your dash. Right around the corner, you’ll find the visitor’s station with a map of the grounds. We’re open from seven to seven each day. It’s not much but you can get bundles of wood, water, and a few other necessities. You’re in yurt A-12; the door key is in the envelope. There’s supposed to be a storm tonight so make sure anything left outside is anchored down really well.”
“Will do,” Gavin nods.
I wait until he rolls the window up before speaking. “We’re going camping? Seriously?”
“Yep. What’s wrong with camping?”
“Besides the fact that it’s the middle of February? You heard the lady—a storm is coming.”
“Relax, Kat,” he chuckles. “The yurt has electricity and heat. We’ll be fine.”
“What if the storm knocks the power out?” Not uncommon in these parts when it gets really windy.
He smiles. “I’m sure we can think of some way to generate body heat if we need to.”
I roll my eyes. “What about Frodo? We can’t just leave him alone.”
“Frodo’s fine,” he assures me. “I put out extra food and water. He’ll be okay for one night.”
“But…why?”
Gavin parks the car in front of the visitor’s center and grabs my hand. “Because I want to spend time with you outside of the house. I want to stop hiding our relationship from the world, even if it’s only for the weekend. Let’s be honest, Kat; you’ve just been going through the motions day in and day out. It kills me seeing you like this. I thought it might help to get away…to regroup. If you really don’t want to stay, we can leave.” He tightens his grip around my fingers. “I’d really like you to say you’ll stay, though.”
Tears fill my eyes from his thoughtfulness. “I’ll stay.”
He grabs my face and pulls me in for a quick kiss. “You won’t regret it; I promise.” He opens the car door. “Stay here. I’m just going to run inside to grab some firewood then we’ll find our campsite.”
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, we’re driving around a narrow loop looking for our space. I have to admit the park grounds are beautiful. The area is backed against a large creek and dominated by giant Sitka spruces and Doug firs. I love the smell of the forest, especially when a storm is brewing. There’s this static charge in the air that electrifies your senses. It seems as if it crawls under your skin and breathes life into your blood.
“Here we are; number twelve,” Gavin says and points as he pulls the Tahoe onto the small parking slab.
Yurts are a big thing in the Pacific Northwest. Although our winters are fairly mild temperature-wise, the
winds can be pretty fierce, especially this close to the coast. Yurts allow for year-round camping while being protected from the elements. You still get to experience the great outdoors with hiking and campfire cookouts but when it’s time to go to sleep or if the weather gets really nasty, you have a roof over your head that won’t get pounded by the storm. The canvas shell is secured around a wooden frame with wooden floors. I’ve only stayed in one once but it was certainly the most comfortable camping trip I’ve ever had.
Gavin places the key in my hand. “Why don’t you check out the inside while I grab our stuff?”
“I’ll help you.”
He hops out of the car. “Okay, Stubborn One. You can put the bedding on while I get a fire started.”
I join him at the back of the car and start grabbing bags. “What if I want to get the fire started?”
“Do you?”
I smirk. “No. I said what if.”
Gavin swats me on the ass. “Go put the sheets on, woman, so we have a spot to have all the sex.”
I laugh. “Awfully confident that you’ll get lucky, aren’t you?”
“Nah, just hopeful.”
“Well, keep being cute like this and I’d say your odds are pretty good.”
He smiles. “Good to know.”
Gavin really has thought of everything. We’re roasting marshmallows over the campfire to make S’mores. Well, I should say Gavin is roasting the marshmallows since I can’t seem to keep mine on the stick. After the fifth one fell, he decided to take over. You’d think I would’ve learned considering there are three charred hotdogs sitting at the bottom of the fire pit. That’s what I get for being so determined to prove my wilderness expertise, I suppose. Or pretend I have any expertise, rather.
“Coming in hot,” Gavin warns as he pulls the marshmallow out of the fire.
I hold out my cracker and allow him to set it down before I mush the two parts together. Chocolatey marshmallow graham cracker goodness explodes in my mouth as I take the first bite.
“Mmm, soooo good.”
Gavin swoops in for a quick kiss. “Mmm, I agree.”
“It’s even better when it hasn’t been bathed in my saliva.”
He smirks. “I happen to like your saliva.”
I roll my eyes but inwardly smile at his sweet, yet somewhat pervy comment. We sit by the fire eating an obscene amount of S’mores. Every once in a while a strong gust of wind blows but the flames are keeping us warm for the most part. After the last S’more has been demolished, Gavin stands up and reaches out his hand.
“Dance with me.”
I laugh. “There’s no music.”
“Does it matter?” He raises his eyebrows.
I take his hand and raise up. “I guess not.”
He pulls me into him and cradles my head to his chest as we lightly sway to the rhythm of our heartbeats. The breeze is picking up but I’m barely affected being in his arms, soaking in his warmth.
Gavin stops moving and lifts my chin so we’re face to face. “Kat, I need to say something. And I want to preface it by saying that I don’t expect you to respond. In fact, I’d probably prefer that you don’t. It’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now but I don’t want to scare you. So promise me you won’t be scared. Okay?”
What on earth is he talking about? “What”
He presses his index finger to my lips. “Kat, please don’t overthink it. Just promise me you won’t freak out.”
“Okay…” I say hesitantly. I don’t like making promises unless I’m sure I can keep them but this seems important to him. “What is it, Gavin?”
He palms my cheeks with both hands and blows out a breath. “Okay, here goes. Kat, I love you. I mean, I’m in love with you.”
I gasp. “Gavin, I”
He holds his hand up. “Please just let me get this out. I know this is still new but I also know this is real. I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. I can’t tell you why, but when I’m with you, I feel whole. When you’re not around, your absence is tangible. The best part of my day is when we’re together. I don’t want you to say it back right now, but I know you feel this way too. I have faith that you’ll tell me when you’re ready—I don’t care how long it takes. I just couldn’t go another day without telling you.”
“Gavin”
“Wait…one more thing,” he interrupts. “I’m going home for Spring Break next month. I want you to come with me, Kat. I want you to meet my family. What do you say?”
I take a deep breath as he watches me expectantly. “Am I allowed to talk now?”
He laughs. “Yes, of course.”
“I’d be honored to meet your family.”
“You would?”
I smile. “I would.”
He pulls me into a bear hug. “They’re going to love you as much as I do.”
“I hope so.”
He crouches down to my level. “Hey, none of that. They’ll adore you; I’m sure of it. Have you ever been to San Francisco?”
“No. I’ve never been outside of Oregon or Washington. Will we be flying? I’ve never been on a plane before.”
“Never?”
“Never,” I confirm.
He grins. “Well, hot damn! I get to pop your plane cherry.”
“You’re an idiot,” I tease.
He grabs my face. “And you’re beautiful.” His eyes dance across my face. “I love you, Kat.”
“I—”
My reply is silenced by a kiss so scorching that my toes curl inside my boots. I’m not sure how long we stand there making out but at some point, the storm rolls in, drenching us with rain. I shiver involuntarily but I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or the intensity of the moment. Gavin was right to be concerned. I can’t say I’m not scared, but he makes me want to stick around and see what happens anyway. I couldn’t have put my feelings into words any better than he did. He’s right; I do feel the same. My love for him is soul deep. But I’m not ready to say those three little words and I’m thankful he understands that about me. I’ve only uttered them to one other person I was dating and look how that turned out. I know Gavin would never do anything to harm me, but I promised myself I would be careful saying the L word going forward. I think people throw the phrase around too casually and I’m not going to be one of them. When I’m ready to reciprocate, he’ll know that I mean it. He’ll know without a doubt that I no longer feel fractured, afraid of love’s consequences. He’ll know that I’m ready to put my demons in the past and love with my whole heart. I’m not there yet but with Gavin, I have hope that it will happen soon.
We walk backwards into the yurt and Gavin shuts the door behind us. Needing to feel his skin against mine, I pull the zipper down on his hoodie and push it off his shoulders. His shirt comes next while I’m kicking off my boots. He catches on quickly and removes my top and his shoes. Each article of clothing hits the floor with a wet plop as we undress each other. When we’re finally skin to skin, we tumble toward the full-sized bed against the wall. His lips move down my throat, over my collarbone, to the swell of my breasts. He smells like marshmallows and chocolate and the tiniest hint of wood smoke. We scoot up the mattress together until my head is resting on a fluffy pillow. My thighs part as he settles between them. I nearly lose all cognitive abilities when he starts grinding against me, lightly tracing his finger over my flesh. His feather-soft touch sets all of my nerve endings ablaze. My heart gallops each time he tells me how much he loves me…how beautiful I am…how much he needs me.
When he enters my body, I wonder how I could ever be whole again without him.
Without this.
Everything is right in the world when our bodies become one. I have no past. No pain. No grief. All I have is this moment.
This man.
Our love.
We lay in bed afterwards, the howling wind the only sound in the room. We’ve burrowed under the covers, our limbs intertwined as much as they can be. I’m drowsy and content. Happy.
More at peace with the world than I’ve ever been and I owe it all to him.
“Kat?”
“Hmm?” I mumble.
He strokes my hair. “Thank you for saying you’d stay.”
I smile. “Thank you for bringing me here. Today’s been perfect, Gavin. It’s exactly what I needed.”
“Good night, Kat. I love you.”
I love you too, I think as I drift off to sleep.
SPRING IS ROLLING IN. So are the college acceptance letters. So far I have five, all offering really great financial assistance. I still haven’t heard back from my top choice—U.C. Berkeley. Gavin doesn’t even know I applied yet. I didn’t want to get his hopes up in case I don’t get in. But if I make the cut, Gavin and I wouldn’t have to be apart. He could move back home and we could be together every day. I never thought I’d be that girl who’d let a guy influence her school of choice, but here I am all the same. It’s not like it’d be a compromise, though; it’s a great school that offers many different programs. It’s a win-win in my opinion.
We’ve just boarded the plane to San Francisco and I am nervous for my first flight. It’s a short one—under two hours—but Gavin’s had to assure me many, many times it will be uneventful. I’m not so afraid of the flying per se; it’s more the crashing and burning part that I’d like to avoid.
“Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.”
I white-knuckle the armrest as the captain’s voice comes through the intercom. We’ve taxied to the runway and our speed is picking up quickly.
Gavin grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine. “Relax, Kat. This part’s fun.”
We’re going faster and faster as we bump down the airstrip. I’m pushed back into my chair as the nose of the plane tips up and we lift off the ground. We’re swaying recklessly from side to side as we climb into the sky.
“Is this supposed to happen? Why is it so choppy?”