by Laura Lee
Me: It will be late. I don’t get off until 2 in the morning.
Gavin: I’ll wait up. I need to see you.
Me: Okay.
Gavin: I love you. No matter what, just remember that. Okay?
Well, that was cryptic. Nausea bubbles in my stomach as I try reading between the lines.
“Lass, you’re not even dressed yet?” Shawn shrieks as she walks into the room. “You’re on stage in five. Hurry!”
Shit!
Me: Work is calling. I’ll see you a little after 2.
I shove my phone in my locker before I can see another text come through. It’s better to push all thoughts of Gavin aside right now. I grab my stage costume and quickly change my clothes. Okay, Kat, you can do this, I tell myself. I take one last deep breath to gather my bearings, finding that special place inside of me that allows me to anesthetize all of my thoughts and feelings. I’m thankful for that place; it’s helped me get through some really bad days.
“Red, you’re up,” Shawn announces.
I square my shoulders and strut out of the room ready to perform.
I let myself into Gavin’s house a little after three in the morning. I really needed a shower after work so I made a pit stop at my apartment. Yes, I could’ve showered here, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m stalling. I can’t shake the feeling that whatever’s about to happen is going to really fuck with me. I should be excited right now; my acceptance letter from Berkeley came in this morning. I’d been waiting for the moment where I can surprise him with it—been daydreaming about all the creative ways I could break the news to him. Instead, I find myself not wanting to tell him at all. Not until I hear what he has to say first.
“Gavin?” I hang my purse and coat on the hook in the foyer and make my way into the great room.
“In the bedroom,” he calls.
I walk down the darkened hallway, only slightly lit by the blue lights coming from the TV in the bedroom, and pause in the doorway. My heart wallops at the sight of Gavin sitting up in bed, shirtless, with the covers pooled around his waist. You’d think I’d be immune to seeing his bare skin by now, but I’m just as affected as I was the first day we met.
I gulp. “Hey.”
He gives me a sad smile. “Hey.”
“So…you wanna go out in the living room to talk?”
I think he’s agreeing as he steps out of bed wearing a pair of low-hanging basketball shorts. Jesus, I want to run my tongue over the V on his lower abdomen. I love that V. He joins me by the door and tugs on both hands, pulling me further into the room.
“No.”
“No?” I repeat. “Why not?”
His hands move to each side of my face as he crouches down. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”
“Gavin,” I chide. “You said you wanted to talk. That you have something to tell me.”
“I know.” He lightly presses his lips to mine before pulling back. “And I do. But first, I need you. We can talk in the morning.”
Oh, God, I’m tempted. So tempted. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He smirks before tugging on my bottom lip. “Yes, you do.”
Damn it, I do. I really do. I hate that he can reduce me to nothing but a pile of hormones with that sexy smirk of his.
“Gavin, we can’t keep using sex to communicate with each other,” I argue. “We need to start using some actual words.”
He pulls me toward the bed and I’m not doing much to protest. “I know. And we will; I promise. In the morning.”
“Gavin, I don’t think—”
“Kat, do you want me?” he interrupts.
“That’s not a fair question,” I whine.
“It’s a yes or no question. Do. You. Want. Me.”
“You know I do,” I whimper.
“Then let me have this moment,” he begs. “Let us have this moment. All your questions will be answered in the morning.”
I know I’m being weak but I can’t deny him. I don’t want to deny him. “Okay.”
He flashes a blinding smile before branding me with his lips and tongue. I give into the kiss without the slightest bit of resistance as my entire body comes alive with desire. He rips his mouth from mine and gazes at me breathlessly. Neither one of us says a word as he undresses me, peeling away each layer of clothing with this crazy mixture of gentleness and impatience. There’s something so tender about the way he looks at me while he’s kneeling on the floor, removing my panties.
He lowers me to the bed, fully naked, while he’s still wearing his shorts. He spreads my thighs and trails one finger down the center of my body before lowering his head. I practically jump out of my skin the moment his mouth touches my heated flesh. I squirm and moan as his tongue swirls around and around. A shudder runs throughout my entire body so fast it surprises both of us as I’m crying out in ecstasy.
I’m still trembling when he crawls up my body for a kiss. I can taste myself on his lips which drives me into this wild frenzy of lust. I pull on his hair and hook my toes into the elastic band around his waist, pushing the shorts down. I reach down to take his length into my hand and guide him into my body. As he settles in as deep as he can be, he grabs my hand and flattens my palm over his left pec.
“Do you feel how fast my heart is beating?” he asks. “Only you do this to me, Kat. You own my heart and every piece of my soul. Nothing and no one will ever change that.”
His words are everything that a woman wants to hear from the man she loves. From the man she can’t imagine living her life without. Yet as I feel the steady thumping of his heart, my world feels like it’s shifted on its axis. There’s a crushing weight on my chest because I can’t shake this horrible sense of foreboding. Gavin must see the anguish in my eyes because his fingers curl around mine and he kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before. He steals my breath, my thoughts, my entire being with this kiss.
Our lips never part as he moves in and out of my body, burying himself deeper and harder with each thrust. He plays my body like a maestro, bringing me to new heights that I couldn’t have ever dreamed possible. With one final grunt, he stills inside of me and remains that way for several long moments while we catch our breath.
“I love you, Kat,” he whispers against my lips. “I love you so fucking much it hurts.”
He kisses me softly one last time before pulling out and collapsing to the side, cradling my head against his chest. I’m not sure which is more overwhelming: the emotion from everything that just happened, or the complete sense of dread for what’s to come.
“Gavin—”
“Shh, Kat. Just sleep for now. We’ll figure everything out after we’ve had some rest.”
I want to argue but my body and my brain are so exhausted I can’t summon the strength. So instead, I snuggle into him and allow his heartbeat to lull me to sleep for what I fear may be the last time.
I hear Gavin moving around in the kitchen when I wake and inhale the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. I crack my lids open and take a good look around the room. Physically, everything looks the same but I don’t feel at ease like I normally do. Everything from last night comes back to me at once. I roll out of bed and run to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I stare at myself in the mirror and see sheer panic reflected back at me. My eyes are wild and unfocused, my fists are clenched, and my shoulders are tight. I sit on the floor with my head between my knees and focus on breathing. In and out. In…and out. Right when I feel I’ve calmed my frayed nerves to a manageable level, there’s a knock on the door.
“You okay in there?”
I rush to the counter and run the sink. “Yep, I’m just freshening up. I’ll be right out.”
There’s deafening silence on the other end. I imagine Gavin resting his head against the door, maybe with his hand on the doorknob, waiting for permission to turn the handle.
I hear him clear his throat. “When you’re done, I have breakfast waiting in the kitch
en.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.”
I smooth out my hair and gargle some mouthwash before stepping back into the bedroom so I can dress before heading down the hall. Gavin is standing behind the counter setting a plate of eggs and bacon on the breakfast bar when I get to the kitchen.
“Have a seat,” he offers.
I pull out a stool and begin moving the eggs around my plate. I can feel his eyes on me but I can’t seem to lift my head up to know for sure.
“Kat, please look at me.”
Well, so much for that idea. Hesitantly, I raise my eyes and freeze when I see the misery he is wearing, clear as day.
“So…” he begins.
“So…”
He sighs. “As you know, Hailey’s pregnant…just over five months now. She’s having a boy.”
“How nice for her,” I deadpan.
“Kat, the baby…the baby’s mine.”
I drop my fork. “What?”
His eyes fill with tears. “I’m the father of Hailey’s child.”
“But…how? When? How is this possible?”
He grips the edge of the counter and hangs his head. “The day after Thanksgiving, I went to a bar by my parents’ house. I was miserable after seeing you at the club. I knew we couldn’t be together because it goes against every moral code in the teaching handbook, but I couldn’t get you out of my head. I was trying to get you out of my head.”
“So you slept with your ex-wife?”
“I didn’t plan to,” he insists. “She was at the bar drowning her sorrows when I walked in. Apparently she and Joe broke up—she caught him cheating. Ironic, huh?”
“Get to the part where you impregnated her, Gavin!”
He winces. “We both had a lot to drink. I don’t remember much, but there’s bits and pieces. Kissing in a cab…going back to her place. After that, it’s pretty much a blank until I woke up in her bed the next day. Kat, you have to remember we weren’t technically together back then. I would never betray you like that.”
He’s right. Logically, I know he’s right but the confession is still ripping me apart.
“How do you know the baby’s really yours?”
“The timing is perfect, Kat. Hailey is a lot of things, but she would never lie about something like this.”
“Oh, so she can lie about having an affair but not about this?” I mutter.
He pulls on his hair. “I really don’t think she would do that. Not when a child is involved.”
“But how can you—”
He holds his hand up. “I’m not that naïve; I’ve asked for a paternity test. She’s agreed to it as soon as the baby is born.”
“She can’t take one before?”
“She’s too far along,” he replies. “Even if she wasn’t, there’d be a risk for miscarriage so I would never ask her to do that. But again, I don’t think she would lie about this. I know her; she wouldn’t have agreed to the paternity test so readily if she had any doubt.”
“Couldn’t a judge force her to take one if you pursued it?”
“They could,” he answered. “And being an attorney she knows that, Kat. She’s been trying to make partner in her firm for the past two years. She wouldn’t risk a scandal like this. Yet another reason why I think she’s telling the truth.”
“What are you trying to say, Gavin? What does this mean for us?”
He sighs. “Hailey wants me to move in with her. For the baby.”
I clench my jaw. “And what did you tell her?”
“I told her I’d think about it.”
“So she wants to get back together?”
“I don’t know,” he says and shrugs. “I know she doesn’t want to do this alone and she knows how I feel about fatherhood. How I swore I would always be there for my kid after my birth father gave up his rights to me. I can’t have a child and not be actively involved in their life, Kat.”
“You don’t have to live with his mother to be a part of his life, Gavin.”
He grabs my hand. “Kat, can you really see me being a part-time dad? I can’t imagine raising my kid without both parents under the same roof.”
“So you’re getting back together with her?”
“I didn’t say that,” he says quickly. “That’s not what I want. I want you. I love you. I don’t know what to do. This is all so fucked up.”
I move my plate to the side and rest my head on the counter. “Wow…just wow.”
“Tell me about it,” he mumbles.
We sit there in silence, neither one of us knowing what to say. After who knows how long, I decide that I have to get out of here. I can’t just sit here while he decides so I jump down from the stool.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
I join him on the other side of the counter. Despite my best efforts, my tears break loose and I can’t seem to stop them.
“I’m leaving, Gavin.”
“What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
I stand on my toes to kiss him on the cheek. “I mean, that you have a big decision to make and I can’t just sit here while you’re considering moving in with your ex-wife.”
“Kat—”
“Don’t, Gavin. You need to do what you feel is right; I get that. But I can’t be here while you decide. I just can’t.” I begin backing away. “You let me know when you figure it out.”
“But—”
“You know where to find me when you’re ready. Until then, please respect the fact that I need some space.”
IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE GAVIN TOLD ME about the baby. A week that I’ve been hanging in limbo trying desperately to have some semblance of normalcy but failing miserably. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’ve called in sick to work because I can’t stop crying. I can’t even force myself to show up for second period. The Monday after he told me, I walked through the door of his classroom, took one look at him, and ran out. I can see this is killing him as much as it’s killing me. He looked awful, something I would’ve never thought possible before now. His hair was disheveled, he hadn’t shaved in days, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Ever since then, I’ve spent my time in the library putting the finishing touches on my senior project.
Should I tell him about my acceptance to Berkeley? Should I give him another option to consider? I think about what he said to me the last night we spent together. How I own his heart…how nothing will ever change that. Then I think about the very real possibility that he could grow to resent me if I’m the reason he’s not with his son every day. The reason why he misses his son’s first words, first steps, and all those amazing little milestones. I know from my own experience that having a baby completely alters your perspective on life. He says that he wants me now, but will he still feel that way when he realizes how much he’s missing?
I had to get out of my apartment so I’m spending the afternoon window shopping downtown. I wander into of one of my favorite boutiques to look through their selection of locally made lotions and soaps. As I’m sampling a vanilla lavender cream, something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. I walk over to the display without thinking and pick up the tiny blue knit booties and hold them in my hand. I blink wetness away from my eyes as it really hits me that Gavin’s having a baby with another woman. He’s going to have a son in a matter of months. He should be excited about that, not completely unhappy like he is now.
I think about the last time we made love. How it felt so different from any of the other times we’ve been together. Why is that, I wonder. And then it hits me. That was Gavin’s way of saying goodbye. Even if he hasn’t consciously made a decision yet, he’s already made one in his heart. He knows he can’t live without his son. And he knows that he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t at least give this thing with Hailey a shot. That’s when I know what I have to do. I have to be the one to walk away. Because I know deep down he would never leave me willingly, but I can’t bear the thought of him resenting me because of it.
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I walk up to the cashier and place the booties on the counter. “I’ll take these, please.”
“Oh, what a lovely selection, dear,” the gray-haired woman remarks. “One of the ladies from my crochet club made these. Are they a gift?”
“Yes,” I nod, choking back a sob. “A friend of mine is having a baby in a few months.”
“How nice.” She punches some keys on her register. “Would you like these gift wrapped?”
“Um, sure.”
She smiles. “Great, that will be $17.50 total, please.”
I pull some cash out of my wallet and hand it over. She wraps the booties in white tissue paper and places them in a small box. I watch as she ties an intricate gold ribbon into the shape of a bow on top.
She offers the package to me. “Here you go, dear. Have a lovely day.”
“Thank you.”
I dart to my car and take several fortifying breaths. I glance at the box on the passenger seat before putting my car in gear and reversing out of the parking spot. I fight back tears the entire drive, knowing what I’m about to do is going to cause so much pain. As much as it hurts right now, though, I truly feel it’s the right thing to do. I pull into Gavin’s driveway and exit the car with the gift in hand before I talk myself out of it. I knock on the door, bracing myself.
“Kat, wh-what are you doing here? I thought you said you needed space.”
God, he looks even worse than the last time I saw him. “Can I come in?”
He steps aside and allows me to pass through the doorway. “Of course. Here, let me hang up your coat.”
“No, I’m not staying.” I thrust the box forward. “Here, this is for you.”
He shuts the door behind him and gives me a questioning look. “What is it?”
“Open it and find out.”
He releases the bow and breaks the seal. I hold my breath as he lifts the lid and moves the tissue paper to uncover the contents. I know the second he figures out what they are because he gets a pained look on his face and closes the box.
“Kat…what is this? Why did you get this for me?”
“Because you’re going to be a dad, Gavin,” I sniff. “And you should be happy about that. You should be excited about buying things like clothes, and cribs, and all the things that a baby needs.”