“We’re all here for you, Eden,” said Jude softly. “We know Rafe would want us to help you.”
“Thank you,” said Eden. She was glad she had all of these friends here. Eden was thankful they still cared about her after everything they had gone through. Having them was like having a little bit of Rafe around because she knew how much Rafe cared about them and how they felt about Rafe. If she didn’t have them, she felt like she genuinely would be alone in the world.
Julia could see Eden was about to start crying again and hugged her. “We’ll sort things out,” she said softly. “We’ll all help you stay strong.”
Julia watched as the others gathered around and hugged Eden to show her they were there for her and shared her pain. She knew, even though it wasn’t how she thought things would happen, now was the time she needed to step up for Eden. Julia would show Eden that she had other choices besides Rafe and do her best to show her they could have a happy life together. She knew it would take time, but it looked like they would have plenty.
4
AFTER SPENDING ALMOST a month in a fog, Eden Kingsley was once again sitting in front of Dr. Cathcart. She had been to see him every week, but until now, everything had been a blur of emotions. Every day, she woke up feeling the pain of being without Rafe, and it seemed nothing had been able to help her gain a foothold on her emotions except time.
Her friends, and especially Julia, were doing everything they could for her and helping with Bronte. But having Rafe back home was the only thing Eden felt would help either of them. She had heard nothing from Rafe, and when Eden called Katheryn, she could not tell her anything either. All Eden knew right now was Rafe had left and she may never come home.
“I don’t know what to do,” said Eden in misery. “I don’t know, maybe she’s better off without me in her life.”
“You didn’t know what was happening,” Cathcart reminded her. “You reacted based on what you knew and what she told you.”
“I keep going over everything she told me in my mind,” she said, frustration with herself evident. “I should have known she was getting sicker by the things she was saying. Instead, I just blindly trusted she was taking care of herself and getting the help she needed. I didn’t even think maybe she really needed me to do more for her and take care of her the way she took care of me.”
“Yes,” said Cathcart as he thought about the things Eden was saying and the things Rafe had revealed. “It seems like you and your friends didn’t notice what was happening with Rafe then and ignored a lot of signals that something was wrong up until the moment she was carried out of the house by her friend.”
“I just never imagined—” She couldn’t continue because the pain of her own inaction flooded over her.
Cathcart gave Eden time to calm herself but knew he couldn’t let too much time go by, or she would spiral until she shut down. He could tell by her drained look and the dark circles under her eyes that she wasn’t sleeping and it took everything in her just to go through the motions of the day.
He decided to change the subject from the present situation in the hope that when Rafe eventually came home, Eden would be able to talk with her about all the issues left unresolved.
“Let’s begin talking about some of the issues Rafe brought up. Maybe by working through them, you’ll be able to help her understand where you were, and you’ll be able to better talk to her and help her.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell her what was happening with me, or if she would believe it or even care to know,” she said. I wouldn’t blame her, she thought, looking down at her hands.
“She cares,” Cathcart assured her. “She asked you to go with her to Italy, and she stayed even though she knew she was spiraling. She stayed for you and Bronte, and she only left when her friend took the decision from her.” He let his words sink in for her. “Let’s talk about things from the beginning. Rafe is still trying to work through things from when she had the affair, so maybe we should revisit those things too. Let’s think back. What was happening?” he asked calmly.
“I remember I was angry at Rafe back then,” she paused and looked up at Cathcart, “even before I thought she had an affair.”
“Why were you angry?” he asked.
Eden sighed and rubbed her face. “I don’t know anymore,” she said sadly. “It just seemed like everything she did would make me angry. Then she would just block me, and it made me angrier.”
“She blocked you?” he repeated.
“Yes,” Eden nodded. “We would be in an argument, and suddenly, she would just stop talking or leave then I would just get angrier.” She remembered it left her feeling as if Rafe didn’t care about what she was talking about or even think it was important. It reminded Eden of how her father had treated her, and it had made her angry.
“What kind of things would you argue about?” he prodded.
“Everything, anything,” she said sadly. She remembered complaining a lot about everything from the money Rafe was spending to her leaving clothes on the floor.
“What would you do when she left the argument?”
“You know,” said Eden. “You’ve read the file. I went online and complained about her.”
“I have,” he said calmly. “Based on what you’ve told me, and what I read, I think you were suffering from your chronic anxiety. The stress of all the insemination failures and your own expectations along with your desire to please Rafe built up and enhanced your anxiety, and you weren’t able to manage it like you had in the past.”
Cathcart paused to give her time to think about his words then continued. “I think Rafe may have known, even if it was subconsciously, and she was walking away from a situation there was no way to win without both of you getting hurt. It might not have been the right thing for her to do but maybe the only way she knew to handle things. She left you to let you work through it on your own but would still be there for support when you would accept it. In the online conversations, you were saying some very irrational things. The people online were fanning the flame, as it were, by encouraging you and making suggestions while on the surface seemed innocent, but if they knew you were suffering from anxiety problems, and we know they did, what they were doing was not innocent.”
Eden closed her eyes and thought about what Cathcart was saying, thinking again about what was happening back then. “Rafe’s father was sick, and she was worried about him,” she said softly. “It seemed like she suddenly needed to be with him in New York, or needed to be at work more or maybe she just wanted to be there more.”
“Why do you think she would have wanted to be at work more?” Cathcart asked softly.
“I don’t know. To avoid me, maybe,” Eden said anxiously.
She remembered Rafe asking about how it was going with the things she had started taking care of for the house. She remembered getting angry at Rafe for asking about it all the time. It felt like she didn’t trust her to write a check or make a phone call, and it made her so angry sometimes she just ignored doing any of it, and then it would lead to another argument.
She remembered lying to Rafe about ovulating because she was angry. “Do you want to know why I lied about ovulating? Remember, it was something she was angry about?”
Cathcart held her gaze expectantly.
“It was after the second insemination failed, and she was being so sweet,” she said as she thought back to when they were working so hard to have a family. “She made me tea every night and held me, and when I was ready, she made love to me,” she stopped and wiped away a tear. “Then she suggested we stop the inseminations and go on a vacation. It just made me so angry,” she confessed. “We got into a fight, and I accused Rafe of wanting to give up. She denied it. She said she just thought we should put things off and give my body a longer break. All I heard was that I was failing, and it made me angry.”
“Then, when she found out you lied, she accused you of not wanting to have a family,” Cathcart recalled.
Eden sighed. “Yes,” she acknowledged softly. “I think she thought I was projecting when I accused her, and she said I was the one who really wanted to give up.” She flushed guiltily under Cathcart’s scrutiny. “She wasn’t wrong. I was having second thoughts.”
“But we know now it was because of the influence of the Stewards,” said Cathcart.
“I guess,” said Eden sadly. “It was after when I had—” She paused. “I had been talking online,” she said regretfully. “I was feeling lonely and pressured, and I had the online affair.” Eden leaned forward and put her head in her hands then groaned knowing it was the truth. “I’ve fucked everything up so bad.” She sobbed. “I’ve lost everything, everything that matters. Rafe and everyone else is right. I should just leave her alone.”
“I don’t think ‘Rafe or everyone else’ knows all the facts, and if they did, they might understand your situation better,” said Cathcart wanting to keep her from spiraling into negativity. “You suffer from chronic anxiety, and Rafe knows this about you. You were under stress, and at the same time, you were being influenced by the Stewards.”
“Maybe,” said Eden. “But Rafe doesn’t think I should blame the Stewards for my choices.”
“I agree you can’t put everything on them,” said Cathcart as he nodded. “You know you have anxiety, and there are times when you’re under stress, it needs to be managed more than others. You know the signs, but for some reason, you ignored them. Maybe you were worried about taking medication while trying to get pregnant, which is a valid concern, or some other worry was keeping you from seeking help for your anxiety. Whatever the reason, it gave the Stewards a tool to use to manipulate you.”
“I’m such a fool,” Eden said softly. “You’re right I should’ve gotten help. I should have talked to Rafe. Instead, I just blindly followed all the feelings I was having and hurt everyone including myself.”
“Because your anxiety was making it difficult for you to communicate with Rafe, and it was being manipulated by the Stewards, things escalated,” Cathcart reminded her. “If the Stewards weren’t involved, I doubt things would have turned out the same. While not all the blame can be affixed to the Stewards, it’s also true not all the blame can be affixed to you. There has to be room in both your minds to accept the blame and fault for what happened, and it can’t be placed on a single person, group, or event.”
Eden remembered Julia telling her that she thought Rafe had been acting differently back then and wondered if it was when Rafe started to get sick again. “I couldn’t even see something was happening with Rafe. I left her in New York to deal with everything alone just like she said, and when she came back, I was punishing her for the affair. I stopped though.” She looked up at Cathcart, “I really did. I did forgive her. I was just so messed up, I guess.”
Cathcart watched as Eden took a breath. “Eden, we both know your anxiety issues are not an excuse for bad or wrong behavior. You know your anxiety doesn’t give you the right to ignore others or expect them to let you always get away with the things you do. This is why we’re working on things and why I pointed things out to you in previous sessions that I thought might have been Rafe’s point of view.”
“I know, I know you’re right,” she said in misery. “But I really couldn’t see what I was doing because everything just seemed to be in chaos.”
“I think Rafe knew you were suffering too,” he said sympathetically, “and she walked away from arguments because she loved you and didn’t want to argue when she knew there wasn’t really an argument.”
He knew it was difficult for Eden to hear all her mistakes laid out in the open, but knowing her mistakes would help her not to repeat them in the future.
“Should Rafe have been more receptive to your request for therapy?” he continued. “Maybe. But you weren’t telling her the truth about why you thought you needed therapy, so it may not have mattered. Considering at least one of the therapists was recommended by the Stewards, it was probably a good thing Rafe refused to go back after the first sessions and wasn’t enthusiastic about the workshops. Should she have suggested you see me or someone else? Probably. But her suggesting you see someone may have made you more irrational and argumentative at the time. It may have been hard for her to know what to do to take care of you, especially when she was going through the hardship of dealing with her father’s illness and then losing him. Plus, after her father’s death, we now know she was trying to take care of her own resurfacing issues.”
“I should have asked or come to you,” Eden said as she shook her head, “but I was so tied up in my emotional rollercoaster. I was focused on the inseminations and finding a solution to fit what I thought the solution should look like. I couldn’t see any other options or how what I was doing made thing worse.” She closed her eyes for a moment as the memory played through her mind.
“Tell me what you saw happening with Rafe during the insemination process,” he said as tried to gently nudge her to talk and not dwell too long and shut down.
“Rafe wanted everything for me to go perfectly,” she said and wiped tears from her face, “and it didn’t. Maybe it’s the real reason she was angry back then. Things weren’t going perfectly for me, and she wasn’t here to help as much as she wanted. She was angrier about the sperm not performing than about me. She never said she was angry at me, but she called and reamed the people at the sperm bank after the last insemination failed.”
“It was after the failure and troubles with the sperm bank she introduced Gabri to you,” he said referring to his notes. “You didn’t want to use him as the donor at first.”
“No,” said Eden softy. “I think my hesitation about Gabri’s sperm was because it didn’t fit what I saw as the solution.” She took a breath and shook her head at her own mistake. “We were supposed to go look through the donor catalogs again, but Rafe was angry with the place. I’m sure it’s why she asked Gabri. She probably saw it as a solution to a lot of things, including she wouldn’t have to deal with anything except the cryobank for storage.”
“How did you feel when she brought him to meet you?”
“I don’t know. I was surprised and maybe a little scared.”
“Why?”
“I just wasn’t sure, and I didn’t know Gabri. I knew nothing about him. I told her this and why I changed my mind. Maybe that’s why she won’t tell me the reason the affair happened because she doesn’t want to tell me she felt cut off because I was saying no to her solution. Maybe it’s what I did to her. I just don’t know.”
She thought about the argument they had in New York and feeling so out of place and alone even with all the people around. It was hard to deal with people she did not know while being thrust into unfamiliar social boundaries. Her shyness and aversion to touching and hugging unknown people kept her off balance. Thinking about the donor being someone she knew nothing about at the same time heightened her anxieties. At least, with the catalogs, she had some information about the donor, and she didn’t have to meet them in person.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have left New York like I did,” she said regretfully. “I know it had to be hard for her, but we were fighting over whether or not to use Gabri’s sperm. We were both very far away from each other. It’s possible the main reason for the distance was because I was going online and being influenced by who I thought were my friends. I really hate to use it as an excuse, but it really was happening.” Eden wiped her eyes with a tissue and sat silently feeling the pain of Rafe’s absence deeply.
“Then you found out about the affair,” Cathcart stated, trying to keep her talking and engaged.
“What did I know, really,” Eden asked sadly as she thought about Gabri’s words. “She had received flowers. That was it.”
“What made you realize the flowers were evidence of an affair?” Cathcart prodded.
“I don’t know! I don’t know!” Eden sobbed. “Maybe she didn’t even have an affair.”
Cathcart contemp
lated her, wondering why Eden would now have doubts that Rafe had had an affair. “What makes you think she may not have had an affair?”
She looked up at Cathcart in misery. “Her friend Gabri said he didn’t think she had an affair. He asked me if I confirmed it,” she said shakily. “I just believed the worst.”
“You believed Rafe’s confession,” he reminded her. “Rafe told you and has maintained she had an affair.”
“But what if he’s right?” she asked softly as more tears ran down her face. “He said she might be making things up to fill in what she can’t remember. Then he said, even if she did have an affair, at the time, she was innocent because if her mind wasn’t there, then her heart wasn’t either.”
“If she did have the affair, even if her mind and heart weren’t in it, it doesn’t mean your feelings and pain were any less valid. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling hurt because the person you love had an affair,” he assured her.
“And if she didn’t? How am I supposed to feel then?” she asked miserably.
Cathcart thought about Rafe’s inability to remember what happened in New York and realized it could be possible Rafe had not had an affair. “Let’s look at things from this new point of view,” he suggested. Cathcart looked through his notes for a moment examining the problem from this new angle. Finally, a pattern appeared he felt may fit the scenario. “Have you considered, since you had an online affair, the guilt you were feeling had built up, and it led you to project a similar transgression onto Rafe when the flowers came, and you read the card?”
Eden looked up, cut by the possible truth of his words. “I was so blinded by my own guilt,” she took a shaky breath, “and I did it to myself!”
Cathcart tapped his notebook as he thought about the session with Rafe. “It is possible she could have been trying to reconcile her lack of memory with the things she was being told had happened. Then she used the information to fill her mind with things to help her make sense as to what really happened. She remembered a lot of small details surrounding the event but not the details of the actual affair.”
Cyprian the Fair Page 3