Her chin trembled, and while she tried to remain composed, a sob wrenched from the depths of her soul. Then another, and another. Each was a sharp blade thrust into his chest.
His throat closed over as he forced his next words out. “I’m sorry, Lisella.”
The helplessness of watching her cry ate away at him, but he swallowed his tears. She needed his strength, not a sign of weakness.
Her sobs quieted to soft, uneven hiccups as whatever medication Candra had given her took effect. When her eyes finally closed and her hand relaxed in his, Varian dropped his head, unable to keep up the facade of strength.
Blessed Mother, what a horrific mess.
Perhaps Rystin had been right, maybe they shouldn’t have left Na’Reish territory. The others were going to be looking to him for answers. For guidance. For vengeance. For assurance.
His thoughts twisted and darted around in his mind, chasing one another around and around. Frenzied, tangled. Just below the chaos lurked guilt, but he pushed it away. If he started that path, he’d spiral into the darkness and never resurface. Varian took in a slow breath, trying to calm the ache in his heart and soul.
He laid Lisella’s hand down on the bed. How could he fix this?
He was tempted to seek guidance from Kymora. Some of his tension faded with the thought of her. But his resolve hardened. She was too involved already. Too at risk.
“I’ll find a way, sister,” he murmured, and smoothed a fingertip over Lisella’s bruised cheek. He watched her sleep a moment longer, then rose. “I swear it.”
On silent feet he left, his strides picking up pace as fast as his resolve hardened. He bared his teeth in a savage grin.
It was time to go hunting.
Chapter 36
KYMORA jerked upright, woken from her doze by the hard thud of footsteps and muted voices. She recognized many of the scouts’ voices. The myriad emotions shimmering amidst their auras made it hard to decipher who was in the group.
Throwing off the blanket covering her, she scrambled to her feet and groaned as her body protested. Sleeping in an upright chair did nothing for the muscles. She reached for her staff. Someone pressed it into her hands.
“They’re back, Temple Elect,” Tovie said, his young voice barely a whisper. “They don’t look happy.”
“Is Varian with them?” She smoothed a hand over the boy’s head.
“He went past here a moment ago. I think he went straight to his room.”
She smiled her thanks and headed out of the common room, nodding as some of the scouts addressed her with somber greetings. How long had it been since the search began? If Tovie was awake, then it was at least breakfast time. Inhaling, she detected the faint odor of cooked mash, the popular milk-boiled grain of choice for the Na’Chi children, wafting along the corridor from the direction of the communal kitchen.
When Kymora reached Varian’s apartment, the door was wide open. She hesitated, her fingers playing with the beveled edge. Away from the crowd, Varian’s aura seethed and throbbed, the heat in it scorching the edges of her mind.
“Varian?” she called. A chair scraped to her right. Something metal clattered onto the wooden table. “What’s happened?”
“Kalan’s called a break to the search.” His tone was just short of scathing. She pulled in a slow, silent breath, knowing he was angrier over the situation than disrespectful of her brother. “He sent us back here to eat.”
“I’ll get you some breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Her temper sparked at his bluntness. “You sound like a five-year-old harpy.” She stepped in and pushed shut the door until the latch clicked. “A simple ‘no, thank you, Kymora,’ would have sufficed.”
Silence met her scolding, then Varian issued a drawn-out sigh. “My apologies, Kymora.” Weariness etched every word. “We spent five hours tracking the blood-scent only to have it disappear near Waterside Dock.”
“Blood-scent?” Kymora reached the table and found him in the end chair. She pulled up the one next to him.
“Lisella injured at least one of her attackers. The blood splatters were few, but the scent was strong.” Varian’s braids made a soft, hollow clinking sound, like he’d run a hand through them. “Kalan is now sending messengers all over the city warning that anyone who’s found sheltering the rebels will face imprisonment. We’ll continue the search in another hour.”
“Did you see people gathered outside the hospice on your way in?” she asked. Lady knew some good news might lift his spirits. He grunted. “They’re all visitors for Lisella. Candra won’t let them see her yet, not until she’s ready, but they’ve all left messages and well-wishes for her.”
“All of those people are there to see her?” He sounded shocked.
Kymora smiled. “She’s made a lot of friends out in the city. Guilders, traders, refugees, workers at the orphanage, Councilors’ families. They’re outraged by what’s happened to her. Many of them want to help in the search.”
He grunted again. “The more who search, the better our chances of finding those who attacked her.”
Her fingers grazed his arm. Muscles tensed at her touch. “Go bathe for a little while, relax….” Here she wrinkled her nose at the fishy odor emanating from his clothes. “Soak away the remnants of the Dock and I’ll bring you some tea.”
“There’s no need, Kymora.” Varian’s chair scraped, strident and loud, as he rose from the table. His aura held less heat, but there was a strange hardness to it now. “I’ll just catch a half-hour nap.”
“I’ll join you.”
His boot scuffed on the floor. “Why?”
Kymora frowned at the wary tone. What was going on? Sure, she could understand his anger and frustration. The assault on Lisella had everyone on edge, but Varian seemed… distant ever since they’d left the hospice.
“No particular reason… I just thought you’d appreciate the company.” She offered him a half smile. “It’s what you do for someone you care about….” She gathered her courage. “For someone you love.”
She fiddled with a fold of her dress, waiting for him to answer, hoping he would. Telling him she loved him could’ve been timed better, but the hardness in him worried her. It had a barrierlike feeling. Sensing his emotions was more difficult, like finding them through fog. She needed to reach him again. But the silence drew out well beyond what was comfortable.
“It’s what you do… for someone you love.”
An ice-cold shudder tore down Varian’s back and he took a hasty step backward. Two days ago he’d have cherished those words, begged Kymora to repeat them, allowed them to sink into his soul and warm him as he would by putting his hands close to a fire. And then he’d have made love to her so slowly, giving pleasure, sharing it, showing her just how much she meant to him.
“You can’t love me.” His reply was flat, hard.
Kymora flinched as if he’d struck her. She rose from the table, her face losing color. “I love you, Varian.” Her chin lifted in familiar defiance. “You can tell me not to all you want, but you can’t stop me.”
Lady’s Breath, he couldn’t deal with this right now. He’d never wanted anything more than to be loved by a woman like her, yet circumstances made it impossible. What they’d already shared were moments stolen in time. Precious moments, but that’s all he could ever allow them to be.
When the Na’Chi had fled Na’Reish territory, Hesia, the mother of his heart, had stayed behind so she wouldn’t slow them down.
At the village in the mountains, Geanna and Eyan, two young lives—gone—taken well before their time.
Rystin, his brother-in-arms, in the leadership challenge—dead by his hand.
During battle, Arek, a man he respected and admired, sacrificed himself to save friends.
And now, Lisella, who gave so much of herself to others, suffered, her life torn apart by violence and hatred.
Varian shook his head and took another step away from Kymora. The price of
loving someone was too high. Life had hammered home that message, and as usual, he’d been slow to learn the lesson, but at least he’d woken up to the fact before something had happened to her.
“You can be the strongest leader there is and make the best decisions you possibly can, others may look to you for guidance, but there’s no guarantee things will work out right, Varian.” Her compassionate expression hit him low in the gut. “Lisella isn’t going to blame you for what happened. Do you honestly think she would?”
Her quiet question ripped away the hard veneer he’d tried to maintain in the hours since leaving the hospice. Beneath it, the tiny embers of anger he’d kept tempered burst into wild flames that seared and tormented every nerve in his body.
“I made a promise to protect her!” Low and rough, his voice was almost a snarl. “If I couldn’t do that for her, what chance do I have of protecting you?”
Kymora blinked back tears at the raw agony in his voice, the harsh rasp of his breathing. Briefly his pain broke out from behind whatever barrier he’d erected around his aura.
“Did I ever once ask you to protect me?” she asked, quietly.
“You don’t have to!” His boot steps thudded hard on the floor, as if he paced, needing to vent through movement. “There was no need to. I always protect those I…”
His words cut off on a harsh breath. Kymora held hers, wishing he’d continue. Would he finish his statement? She bit her lip, swallowing her disappointment, which grew the longer the silence between them lasted.
“Varian, don’t we deserve a chance?”
“Temple Elect, there’s no point. There never was.”
She sucked in a hard breath. The cold bitterness in his tone was like a spike to her heart, sharp and piercing, tearing at her, shredding the memories of them loving each another as if they’d meant nothing to him.
Merciful Mother, surely he didn’t really feel that way?
“Don’t you dare belittle what we have.” Anger made her voice hoarse. “What we have is good. I’m happier than I’ve ever been when I’m with you. Why can’t you believe in us like I do?”
“There’s no future for us. Can’t you see that, Kymora?” Varian’s voice shook, as torn as hers had been a few moments ago. “You’ve dedicated your life to serving the Lady. You belong to Her. I won’t let you choose between Her and me.”
Another excuse. Telling him she would no longer be the Temple Elect seemed futile now. He’d see it as an attempt to change his mind.
“I’ve never wanted a man more in my life than you. Never. You know I love you. Lady willing, I want to share everything with you. The blessed times, the heartbreaks, the trials that will test us. Everything, Varian.” Kymora shook her head, the movement jerky. “You don’t get to end what we have because you think you know what’s best for us, and don’t you dare thrust the Temple Elect role in my face. That doesn’t even factor into this!” She dragged in a shuddering breath, a heartbeat away from tears. “Refusing to take a risk to save yourself from getting hurt is the easy option. The Varian I love isn’t a coward.”
His aura flared red hot, but she ignored the sizzle and heat. Every hair on her arms tingled with energy. She used it to push past the hurt.
“If you don’t want me… If you don’t love me”—here her voice trembled—“then you’re going to have to say it, Varian. That’s the only way I’ll accept your reasons.”
Again she waited for his response. Any response. None came. Nothing leaked from his aura. He’d shut down. She gripped her staff so hard her fingers went numb.
Kymora turned away from him, her hand reaching blindly for the table. There was no point arguing any further. The door to his bedroom creaked open as she reached for her amulet and jerked it, breaking the leather thong. Carefully, finger by finger, her pulse pounding heavy and hard, she laid the disc on the smooth surface of the table, her fingers tracing the etched sun one last time.
“When you decide what my love is worth to you, let me know.” She couldn’t manage more than a whisper but knew Varian’s Na’Chi hearing would pick up her voice.
Then she left.
Out in the corridor, Kymora focused on the solid wooden warmth of her staff and the soft scrape of it on the stone floor. Fear clutched at her shoulders like a sky-scavenger, casting its beady eye on her battered heart, on the hope she left behind with her amulet. On the future she felt crumbling down around her with every step she took away from the man who had become her life.
She’d done all she could to convince Varian he meant the world to her. The journey was now his to walk. The decision to join her or leave her to go on alone was his.
Kymora shivered and pushed the thought to the back of her mind. Outside the Na’Chi apartments, her two Light Blade guards were waiting for her.
“Where to, Temple Elect?” Ehrinne inquired.
The question gave her pause. She needed some time to meditate, to restore her calm, but returning to the Temple wasn’t an option. Once there she be swamped with duties she hadn’t the patience for at the moment. The prayer room would be full of those completing morning petitions. The gardens were just as popular, a good place for quiet thought, and her apartment held too many memories.
“Let’s walk, just around the compound,” she replied. “I need some fresh air.”
The pathway they took curved behind the Temple and away from the apartments. While the morning was warming, the shadows thrown by the buildings cooled the air. She breathed deeply, keeping her pace steady, letting the tap of her staff on the gravel walkway settle into a soothing rhythm.
Lost in meditation, Kymora wasn’t sure when she realized the crunching sound of their footsteps had tripled in volume. Ten separate auras, all focused and intent, brushed against her mind. She half turned to ask who had joined them when Ehrinne shouted out.
“Temple Elect! To your left and behind!”
Kymora spun, her staff already swinging when somebody tackled her from the side and took her to the ground. The impact stunned her. She lost her staff. It clattered away across the stones. The clash of weapons and cries filled the air.
Hands shoved her onto her stomach and wrenched her arms behind her back. The odor of sour sweat washed over her. She bucked but whoever pinned her to the ground weighed twice as much. Coarse rope wrapped around her arms, then the rest of her body.
“Gag her! Hurry!” A second pair of hands grabbed her hair. Her head was pulled back. A length of material was forced between her lips and wound around her head. All sound deadened as whatever was being used covered her ears.
Lady’s Breath, no!
She screamed, the hoarse tone smothered by the thickness of material in her mouth. The body astride hers shifted. Something heavy covered her head, smelling dust dry and grainy, the texture thick and rough. A miller’s bag? It was jerked down over her shoulders.
Her world shrank fast to the pounding of her heart and her rapid breaths sucking in through her nose. Hands lifted her. She grunted as something dug into her midriff. A shoulder? Then jolting, lasting minutes or seconds. She had no way of measuring, not with panic eating away at her sense of time. Where was she being taken?
Tears burned in her eyes. Kymora tried to force them back. If she cried, her nose would block. She’d be unable to breathe. She’d suffocate. She tried to slow her breathing.
One thought filled her head.
Survive.
Chapter 37
VARIAN pulled on a fresh shirt as he crossed the floor in the main room. Tucking it in, he reached for his weapons belt sitting on the middle of the table, and then frowned. A golden sun disc with a broken thong rested next to it. It was Kymora’s Temple Elect amulet.
“I’ve never wanted a man more in my life than you.” Such passion and torment wrapped into her voice. Her every word had pierced his soul, hacked and slashed at it until nothing remained but tatters.
“When you decide what my love is worth to you, let me know.”
He winced at th
e memory of her standing with her back to him, hunched over, as if warding off a blow. Her pain had left him feeling lower than the dirt under his boots. He’d wanted to close the distance between them, pull her into his arms, and beg her to forgive him.
But he’d done the right thing by letting her go. It was the only way he knew to keep her safe. His hand shook as he picked up the amulet and fingered the design. Why had she left it behind?
A knock sounded on his apartment door. His fingers curled around the amulet.
“Enter!” he called, more than willing to be distracted from his thoughts.
The door swung opened.
“Varian.” The hoarse strain in the deep voice snapped his head up to look at his guest. Kalan stood there, his forest green gaze, so like Kymora’s, turbulent and dark. Tight lines of tension grooved the lines on his tanned face. He clutched a rolled parchment in his fist. “I need your help.”
The sour stench of fear assailed his nostrils. He’d never seen the human leader so anxious, not even when he’d been wounded and facing death. Uneasiness crawled across the back of his neck. What had him so afraid?
“What’s wrong?” Varian motioned the human to take a seat and took the one opposite. “Is it the search?”
The older man shook his head and scraped a hand through his dark hair. It looked like he’d done that several times already.
“That no longer has priority.” Varian stiffened and took a breath. Kalan held up a hand, stalling him and placed the piece of parchment on the table. “This is a letter from the rebels demanding the release of Davyn.” His voice lowered. “It was found pinned with a Light Blade dagger on the ground next to Kymora’s two slain bodyguards.”
Shock ricocheted through Varian, searing every cell and nerve in his body. The beast inside him roared. His vision darkened, and half a heartbeat later it lightened, only this time with crimson overtones.
Kalan’s hand gripped his forearm. “Don’t lose it, Na’Chi. I need you.” His fingers dug into his muscle. “Kymora needs you.”
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