by D J Cook
We all sat in the lounge together. His parents were as great as he’d said. Callum had nothing to be sorry for. They were kind, hard to keep quiet and generous, too. They handed us a card and a bottle of Moët Champagne as a moving in present.
“Aw, you didn’t have to.” I opened the card with congratulations written all over, and read their message.
Something to get you started in your home together. Make this Christmas one to remember. Love Jaqueline and Rich xx
Another envelope fell out, which contained a cheque for one thousand pounds. I looked at Callum, astounded. He looked just as shocked as me.
“You’ve got to be kidding?” I said, holding the largest cheque I’d ever held in my life. It was a lot of money, to me anyway.
“Mum, Dad, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you,” Callum said, getting up to go and give them a hug. I was speechless. We sat together as a family–a family I hadn’t asked for, because I hadn’t needed to. They’d raised Callum to be one hell of a man and I was so lucky to have him and them in my life.
Maybe bad luck doesn’t come in threes after all, I thought to myself, mulling over the superstition. First Mum, and then falling out with Liam–I was almost waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I needed to give myself a break. It wasn't happening.
“So, we are thinking of staying until next week, if that’s okay son?” Jackie asked, even though it seemed she’d already made her decision. I wouldn’t have dared call her Jackie to her face, though. She didn’t seem the type to have a nickname.
“That’s fine, although I'm going back to work on Monday. I’ve booked Friday off for Tamsin's graduation, but we’ll be out all day. Are you two going to be alright to keep yourselves busy?” Callum asked, reminding me of my graduation. I'd completely forgotten about it with everything that had been going on. I quickly grabbed my phone and loaded the email to check.
“That won't be a problem. We haven't been up this way in a while, have we, Rich?”
“Why don’t you both come? I have enough tickets,” I interrupted before Richard could respond.
Tamsin Cross
Chester University
Chester Cathedral
Friday 2nd November 2018
Graduation Ceremony at 11:30am
3 guests
One ticket for Mum, another for Callum, and the third ticket for Liam, which I had applied for. He was graduating at the half past one ceremony, straight after mine.
“Are you sure, T?” Callum asked. He looked concerned and I wasn't sure why. He could have looked happy. I’d asked his parents to come so at least he wasn’t going to be sat there all alone.
“Absolutely.”
Another email loaded as I typed ‘graduation’ into the search bar of my email account. I glanced down at the email receipt for my graduation gown hire and the picture frames that Mum saved tirelessly to pay for.
Wish you were going to be there, Mum.
I wanted Mum there, but in adult life, I was learning that you didn’t always get what you wanted. What I did know? I was going to have the best day, not just for me, but for Mum, too.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I picked up my cap and gown from the leisure centre, and then walked amongst the crowds towards the side of the cathedral along with Callum and his parents.
“See you soon,” I said, hugging them all.
“Good luck, brainy boots,” Callum said in a dork-ish way, making me snort.
I was ushered in through a side entrance to the cathedral, via a cobbled street lined with large Victorian town houses. I’d always wondered what Chester Cathedral looked like on the inside. I’d walked past it often enough getting to work. Callum and his parents couldn’t believe that I’d never been in one before. I followed a long narrow hallway with bare brick walls that looked like something out of Harry Potter.
Two large screens were placed either side of stone pillars, and displayed the live footage captured by the camera crew dotted around the main hall. I sat down on the horrible wooden benches that were typical of any type of church. Just minutes in and my bum was already numb. I knew Mum would have complained about the chairs, too. She wasn’t there with me, but I knew she’d be proud of what I had achieved. I smiled thinking about her, and a friend from the first year smiled back.
Awkward.
I sat uncomfortably, waiting for eleven-thirty. I wasn’t excited, which was not how I’d imagined my graduation day. It was my own fault for watching so much American TV. I half expected everyone to break into song and dance. Although I had worked hard, university hadn’t just been about learning for me. It was an escape from my hometown, a binge drinking, all-night working lifestyle, which I’d have gone back to in a flash if I’d been given the chance. Most importantly, it was a big middle finger up to the statistics and a few of my high school teachers. They hadn’t been on my side, but I had shown them. My degree was proof that, despite living in a council house, you could beat the odds. Was it hard work? Absolutely, but the people I’d met and surrounded myself with had made it so much easier, and so had the alcohol. Definitely the alcohol.
I looked through graduation caps and gowns to find Callum sat towards the back of the hall looking down at his phone. He looked concerned, annoyed almost. He looked as he had stood at his window, watching me leave. The usual sparkle in his eyes had dulled, and it wasn’t something that could be blamed on the lighting in the cathedral. I assumed it must have been his parents, bugging him with questions, as his eyes continued to sink into his phone for most of the ceremony. I practically had no use for my phone; the only people who ever messaged were Mum, Liam and Callum. My eyes kept wandering around the hall, one minute to the stage as the students shook hands with the university’s chancellor, the next minute to a young guy in the next column across, picking his nose and trying to subtly wipe it on his gown. My eyes stopped wandering as a woman dressed in a colourful robe interrupted me and asked the whole row to move along and wait at the side of the stage. This was it.
Don’t trip over. Don’t trip over.
I walked up onto stage, smiled and shook the chancellor’s hand.
“Congratulations, Tamsin.” His deep voice echoed throughout the hall. The audience clapped as I walked off the stage and around, back to my seat. Honestly, it was underwhelming, but I had done it. All that was left to do was celebrate, in the true university style I had dearly missed.
Once I had fought my way through the crowds of students, I stood close to a small independent wine bar, just away from the hustle and bustle outside the cathedral.
Callum <3
2nd November 2018
[13:04]
Just outside the Cathedral, near the wine bar xxx
I looked up from my phone to see Liam, taking pictures with his family. Even little Jade was with them, holding tight onto her teddy called Tiger, even though it was actually a cheetah. Liam looked phenomenal, wearing a sparkling black suit with matching black trousers, all accompanied by his hat and gown. He glanced my way after taking what must have been the hundredth photo, looking at each one to make sure he looked good. I smiled at him and lifted my hand, and he returned a smile before the path between us became crowded once again.
“Congratulations, T,” Callum shouted above the noise, raising his arms. “You were so great. Proud boyfriend moment right here.”
“Thank youuuuu,” I said, shaking my graduation gown towards him, stopping promptly as his parents arrived behind him.
“Well done, Tamsin. Wasn't that just lovely?” Jackie said as Richard agreed. “Let’s go and have some food together. Our treat, no arguments.” Richard had no choice in the matter; they were paying.
“Aww thanks, Jacki-eline,” I said almost calling her Jackie. Not my finest moment.
“When we're done, we will leave you and Callum to continue celebrating as I’ve booked us into a spa hotel for the evening. We wanted to give you two some space.”
“Yes, me and your mother are going to the spa. Sh
e booked it last night while I was sleeping,” Richard said reluctantly, laughing.
“That’s my mum,” Callum said under his breath to his dad as Jackie lead the way to a Brazilian restaurant close by that she had quickly looked up on her phone.
"Would you like more?" the Brazilian waiter asked me, with everyone else already taking more meat from the skewer. I wouldn’t normally have said no. I was a lover of meat, not in a lewd way, but I craved it. In disappointment, I turned over the green coaster to the red side, which read ‘which meat would you like next?’. The coaster was mocking me. There was no way I could eat anymore. I wanted to, though; it was delicious. Once I turned over my coaster, everyone else around the table followed suit. We had sat in the restaurant for around two hours, so we must have got our money’s worth. Well, Jackie's money, anyway. Callum kept taking his phone from his pocket, swiftly checking it every now and again. Normally his phone would have been on the table, but instead it was shoved back into his pocket. I guessed his mum had a rule about mobile phones being on the table while eating, so I also placed my phone in my bag. Jackie told me about her cleaning business and how it had all started. No university degree, because it was different back then. She hadn't even married into the business, as Richard had been a postman. She’d started cleaning houses at the age of fifteen and it grew, and kept growing as it covered the whole of Hertfordshire. She was successful and had worked bloody hard for her money. Her status. Her business was making her money, and if she wanted to she could stop cleaning, but she didn’t want to. Working was weaved into her DNA. Jackie summoned the waiter confidently and asked to settle the bill. Jackie and I couldn’t have been more different. We shared ambition, but I wished I could bottle up just half of the confidence she had for myself.
“Right. Now that the bill is settled, we’re going to head off and leave you young-ones to carry on celebrating,” Jackie said, taking her coat from the waiter. We walked out of the restaurant with them and said our goodbyes, as they headed to their car.
“So, where now, clever clogs?” Callum asked, nudging me.
“Anywhere. I'm just so happy right now. Let’s make the most of it. A few bars on Watergate Street?” I skipped as I pulled him in that direction, already deciding without Callum’s input. I guessed I was more like Jackie than I had originally thought.
“Lead the way, brainy boots.” He laughed.
“You are such a nerd… I love it, though.” I pulled him close and kissed him, stood in the middle of the street. I didn’t care. I channelled my inner Jackie, and took what was mine, because I truly couldn’t have been happier.
The bars in Chester were crammed to the brim, looking as though day drinkers would stumble out every time the doors opened. We didn’t have to wait for too long for a table, practically jumping into somebody’s grave as they left. I sat and snapped pictures of my Long Island iced tea cocktail to plaster all over my Instagram later.
“How's work been over the past few days?” I asked Callum nervously. I hadn't been back since losing Mum. I was due back on Monday after Ian kindly extended my compassionate leave. Was I ready? I didn’t think I was, but I had to push myself.
“It was nice to go back and see everyone. They were all asking about you. Ian is basically getting everyone ready for the busy Christmas period, you know with the Christmas markets.”
“Oh god, really?” I said, even more concerned about my return.
“Yep. Although, I've not had it too bad. I think Roberta has been drowning in interviews for seasonal staff and Darren is constantly being bugged about social media. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or feel thankful it’s not me.” We both laughed as it faded into the noise around us. Within that noise, I could hear something distinct. Unmistakable. I could just about make out Liam's voice. He was sat across from us, in another section of the bar, along with some friends I recognised from his course. I wanted to go over, I really did, but the last time we’d spoken properly had been weeks ago. I cleverly justified not going over as Callum would be sat alone if I went. I didn’t want it to be awkward. Within a couple of minutes Liam looked over to our table, waved and then kept miming vulgar signs to us, not that I minded. He was practically sat on a guy’s lap, and in between flirting he would hold up a hip flask he had very clearly snuck in to show Callum and me. He would persistently wink, pointing to the guy currently feeling his chest. He had pulled.
Good for him.
We were both stubborn. We still needed to clear the air that had stagnated between us, though I knew after seeing him, we were going to be okay. After all, Liam was prone to telling the truth and saying exactly what was on his mind; drunk or sober, it really didn’t matter.
* * *
I sat up in bed with Callum lying peacefully next to me. No matter how hard I tried to get to sleep, I couldn’t. There was no off button, nothing to stop the thoughts running around my head like a child on a sugar rush. Sleeping had got that bit easier up until now. It was a sign I wasn’t ready for the day of work ahead of me. I had a mixed bag of emotions, eager to see Roberta, Rach and James. I wondered if they’d missed me or even needed me at work. I reminded myself of the copious texts from everyone over the past weeks to ease the anxiety that built high on my chest, starting to weigh me down. I sluggishly got out of bed at four-thirty in the morning, after admitting that sleep was not an option I could take, and made myself a coffee without making too much noise.
“You're up early,” I said with my hands wrapped around a coffee mug, hearing Callum walk down the stairs.
“Shitting hell. You scared me.” He looked startled, like he hadn’t noticed I wasn’t next to him when he woke. I was far too awake for the morning, mainly because I’d hardly slept. I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Why are you up so early? You don't need to be worried about today, you know?” He said reassuringly.
“I could ask you the same thing. Why are you up so early?” I loved to mess with him.
“I have so much work to do from last week, I'm still catching up on myself.” He opened most of the cupboards in the kitchen to find some food to fuel him for the day ahead. I never understood how he could eat as soon as he woke up.
“I’ll come into work with you then, instead of waiting until my return to work interview with Ian. I could do with the moral support just getting on the train.”
“You sure? You’ll be waiting around for a while.”
“Yeah. Why not? I’ll grab a coffee or something while I wait.”
The anxiety of going back to work was eating me up from the inside out. My stomach growled continuously, loud enough to hear over the sound of the tracks that rumbled underneath the train. I lacked energy, despite the coffee at home and the one I’d picked up at the station. I was drained, my resources depleted against my own will, and nothing I tried was bringing them back. I wanted to sleep, even for a few minutes, but no matter how many times I shut my eyes, I’d continue to worry. It was on the train, bile rising quicker than I could control. I admitted defeat. I needed help, but I also knew that I had to get today over and done with. I loved work and Callum had said that going back to work would be a distraction, and he was probably right. The train slowed as it approached our stop. My vision blurred. I was going to throw up. I could hear the train doors beep and open as we arrived, but I couldn’t move. I’d be sick if I moved. Callum's voice echoed in my ears.
“Are you okay? You don't look so good at all, T.”
I quickly got up from my seat, ran off the train holding my breath and vomited on the busy platform. I looked around and gasped for breath as Callum pulled my hair from out of my face. People stared at me like I was some drunk throwing up after drinking too much cider. Callum rubbed my back as I hunched over. I quickly started to feel better once my body had got rid of everything it didn’t want. The worry was no longer in my stomach. It was all over the train station platform and still prominent in my mind.
* * *
“Tamsin, welcome back.
And my main man, Callum,” Ian yelled from across the foyer as I signed in at reception. “It's so good to see you. Are you well?”
I glanced in a nearby mirror. My face looked ghostly with the little makeup I was wearing smeared beyond the point of saving.
“I’m as good as I can be.” I smiled weakly. Normally, I would have plastered a huge smile on my face and pretended everything was fine. Nobody would have had a clue, but that time had been very different. I’d come back for a distraction, but so far, being there was more of a reminder that I had been gone. It was too much for my liking.
“That’s good. Well, let’s just get you settled back in today. We’ve got your RTW interview today at ten, which is just a formality, but before that, let me catch you up on a few things you’ve missed as I walk you to your office.” Ian placed his arm on my shoulder. A few minutes and friendly faces later, we arrived at my office. A gorgeous bouquet of flowers sat on my desk as Roberta, Sharon, Rach and James surrounded them. ‘Welcome back’ banners hung from one corner of my room to the other. No wonder Ian had been hovering in the reception area; he’d been waiting for me. I usually loved fuss and attention, but I wasn’t sure I could hack it and hold it together. Roberta wrapped her arms around me, not letting go for a while, as the others attempted to surround me with their love. Roberta and I had spent quite a lot of time together; she had become my best friend at work.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered, still hanging on to me.
“Missed you too,” I said in a lacklustre voice, lacking the energy to make it sound like I meant it. I needed a coffee or something to at least replace some of the energy I had lost throwing up.