by TJ Klune
“How much longer is this going to go on?” Ruv asked.
“Three hours,” Tiggy said. “No. Wait. Seven days.”
“If we’re lucky,” the King said.
“I was kidnapped by him for weeks,” Justin said. “We’re not that lucky.”
“And after I have vanquished the evil back to the darkness from whence it came, there will be parades in my honor. People will come out and cheer for me. They’ll say, ‘Oh my gods, it’s Kevin! He’s so handsome and vascular, and I bet his penis is at least two feet long.’ And then there will be so much pie…”
“Couldn’t have kept that one to yourself for a little bit longer?” Ryan asked me.
“You know how my filter works.”
“By that you mean not at all.”
“You know me so well.”
“…there will be songs sung in my honor, songs with verses extolling all my virtues.” And since everything about my life was ridiculous, he actually started singing. “Kevin is the greatest thing! He deserves a gold ring! We should crown him and make him king! Let’s listen to him siiiiiiiing.”
“You are all dili,” a voice snapped suddenly. “Crazy.”
We turned toward it.
Vadoma stood, eyes ablaze, hands curled into fists at her sides. There was an unmistakable aura of power emanating off her—not quite magic, but close. The air felt thick, and if she had been a Dark wizard, I would have assumed she was about to attack.
“Mark my words,” she said, eyes on me. “You will sing brigaki djilia by the time this is over. The songs of sorrow. The mulo will come for you, Sam of Wilds. The spirits of the dead will haunt you when this is said and done. You will live only to die alone with just the memories of your failings to usher you through the veil.”
“Yeah,” Kevin said. “You seem like you’d be fun at parties.”
“I like parties,” Tiggy said.
“Vadoma,” Morgan said. “I have given you leeway in this. I have bitten my tongue as you’ve done nothing but waggle yours. No longer. I frankly must insist that you back off before there are complications.”
“There will be no backing off,” she scoffed. “You are a wizard, but you are still a man. The stars have spoken for the gods, and Sam must answer to them. You can’t hide him away any longer, Morgan. He is no longer a child. He’s not yours.”
“And he’s not yours either,” Mom snapped, taking a step forward. “After all this time, daj, you have no right to come here and make demands of him. We raised him. Myself. Joshua. Gary. Tiggy. And Morgan, who has done more for him than anyone else. You know nothing about him.”
“I know his fears,” Vadoma said. “I know his hopes. I have seen into the heart of him. I also know the lies he’s been told. The secrets kept from him.”
“I think it’s time for you to take a step back,” the King said. “Regardless of what your beliefs are, regardless of who you are and are not related to here, surely you can agree that I am still your King. And as your King, I am ordering you to shut your mouth.”
“That might have given me an erection,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Power kink,” Tiggy said.
“Like you wouldn’t even believe,” Gary agreed.
I expected Vadoma to defy even the King, but she didn’t. I didn’t think it mattered. The damage had already been done. It probably didn’t help that I had to choke back my magic as best I could, because I wanted to launch it at her, wanted to call upon the earth to wrap her in stone, call upon the skies to rain lightning down upon her. Something, anything to get rid of that look on Ryan’s face.
“Is that true?” Ryan asked quietly.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m learning that there’s a lot I haven’t been told.”
“Oooh, someone’s in trouble,” Gary whispered.
“Is it me?” Tiggy asked. “I in trouble?”
“No, kitten. It’s not you. You’re too wonderful and could never do anything wrong and everyone loves you.”
“Tiggy smash?”
“Possibly. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
Tiggy glared at just about everyone after that, as if they were all capable of needing a smashing.
“Maybe Morgan or Randall can fill in the blanks,” I said. “Since they’re obviously so knowledgeable on the subject.”
Randall and Morgan didn’t react. They were good. They were very good.
But right before I was about to be better (and undoubtedly make them break and wail in pain at the power of my appropriately demoralizing comments), Dad said, “Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Pete run that fast unless there was gravy involved.”
Which didn’t really make much sense in the current conversation.
We all turned, and sure enough, you would have thought we were all made of gravy with how fast Pete was hauling ass toward us. It was a sight to see, those thick tree trunk legs hefting up and down, his sloping gut falling side to side.
“Well, that can’t possibly be good,” I said.
“He’s going to give himself a heart attack,” Justin said, crossing his arms. “Shouldn’t he just retire already?”
“In his own time,” the King said to his son. “He’s just worried about getting bored.”
“What is it?” Ryan asked me.
“I don’t know,” I said. “But there’s got to be a reason.”
It didn’t take long for him to reach us. His face was bright red and slick with sweat. He took in great gasping breaths as he bent over, hands on his knees.
“There, there.” Tiggy patted him roughly on the back. “There’s no gravy here, tiny Pete.”
“I don’t… only run… for gravy,” Pete gasped out.
“Mostly,” the King said. “It’s one of the things I love about you.”
Pete glared at him, but it only lasted a second. His gaze darted around until it settled on me, as I feared it would. Whatever had caused him to rush out here had to do with me. As if today couldn’t get any worse.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” I said, trying to be as preemptive as possible.
At least five people snorted at that. Which was okay, because that meant there were five fewer people I had to buy birthday presents for. Those assholes.
“There’s… a gathering,” Pete said. “In front of the castle gates.”
“A gathering,” the King repeated. “And what type of gathering had you running like you were on fire?”
Pete winced. “A protest.”
Justin frowned. “A protest? What in the name of the gods could they be protesting? No new legislation has been announced, and the Crown’s latest poll numbers have been higher than they have in years.”
“Yes, um. See? About that.” Pete swallowed. “They’re not protesting the Crown.”
“Out with it,” Morgan said. “We don’t have time for—”
“Sam,” Pete blurted. “They’re protesting Sam.”
Everyone turned slowly to stare at me.
“Uh,” I said. “What?”
“Oh snap,” Gary said. “Does this latest twist signal the end of our adorable yet whiny hero? Will we finally get to the point of this prophecy? Will Vadoma finally tell me where she gets her hair done, because girl, I want to avoid that place like the plague? And will the most handsome unicorn in all the land get laid?”
“Yes,” Kevin said. “Yes, he will.”
“Find out coming up next on… Castle Lockes. Annnnd… we’re clear. Hold up. Who are these bitches that think they can protest my babycakes? I will bring the pain down upon some motherfuckers, don’t think I won’t! Kevin! Hold me back. Hold me back!”
Kevin reached down and did just that.
“Godsdammit,” I muttered.
I HAD done many stupid things in my life.
That was an indisputable fact.
(Even if I could say most times that I was coerced by my companions.)
I could own up to my mistakes. If I did something wrong, I could
admit to it. And then I’d try and fix it to the best of my ability. Sometimes I could. Sometimes I made things worse. But my heart was always in the right place, and I never tried to let anyone else take the blame for something I did. Not when it counted.
But for the life of me, I could not understand why dozens of people would be marching in a circle in front of Castle Lockes, all wearing coarse-looking shirts that had my face drawn on them with a bright red X slashed through it, carrying signs that said such fun things as: SAM OF WILDS IS A HORRIBLE PERSON! and SAM OF WILDS PUNCHES BABIES and SAM TRIED TO TAKE MY VIRGINITY AGAINST MY WILL.
“You tried to take what?” Ryan asked.
“I didn’t!” I sputtered. “I don’t even know who that is!”
And I really didn’t. I didn’t recognize any of them marching in the circle, shouting, “Hey, hey, ho, ho, Sam of Wilds has got to go! Hey, hey, hi, hi, we would like to see him die!”
“Well that’s just rude,” Mom said.
“And maybe a little uncalled-for,” Dad said with a frown. “Unless he did punch babies and we didn’t know about it. If that’s the case, then I should be marching with them.”
“I didn’t punch any babies!”
“I can vouch for that,” Gary said. “I have never seen Sam punch a baby.”
“Thank you, Gary,” I said.
“But,” Gary said, “I’m not with him all the time, so for all I know, he’s a secret serial baby puncher and I’m protecting a madman who commits unthinkable crimes.”
“I will put my foot up your ass,” I growled at him.
Gary’s eyes went wide as he pranced beautifully behind Tiggy. “Everyone, watch out! His baby-punching rage is forthcoming. Hide your children! Keep them safe!”
“This is the greatest day ever,” Justin said, looking rather pleased at the situation. I knew that, as my best friend, he would totally defend me, but as the Prince of Verania, he had to listen to his people and they came first. So of course he looked happy about this. He had to front, even though it was probably tearing him up on the inside.
There was a crowd starting to gather around the protesters, people whispering to each other, pointing at us. Though I suppose we weren’t very inconspicuous, seeing as we had a thirty-foot dragon standing behind us, wings folded at the sides so he didn’t scrape against the brick of the buildings that lined the streets. It probably didn’t help either that I was shirtless, my skin still covered in Vadoma’s runes, which were now smeared and flaking, my hair sticking up every which way. I probably looked like I’d just come from a sacrificial orgy where I’d punched at least seven babies and taken four virginities to sate my carnal cravings.
Ryan squeezed my arm and went to the outskirts of the crowd, saying something that I couldn’t hear over the din of the protesters.
“Fuck my life,” I muttered.
“Indeed,” Randall said. “I concur. Fuck your life, because this is getting ridiculous.”
I couldn’t even disagree with him. That was the sad part.
“I thought everyone loved Sam,” Kevin said. “Isn’t it supposed to be one of the biggest complaints about him? That he can charm even the blackest hearts until they are tripping all over him?”
“Yes,” Gary said. “That and the fact that he never shuts up, is immature, and makes everything a joke that usually revolves around sex. Okay, I just realized that describes me, and since I’m amazing, Sam must be too. Sam. Yoo-hoo! Sam.”
“What, Gary,” I said through gritted teeth.
“You’re amazing.”
“Thank you, Gary.”
“You’re welcome. Gosh, I feel good. Don’t you all feel good and in love with Sam again?”
“Hey, hey, ha, ha! Let’s go punch Sam in the jaw!”
“Oh,” Gary said. “That was unfortunate timing.”
“Hey, hey, he, he! Shoot an arrow into his knee!”
“They’re so violent,” Gary said. “Gives me the tingles in my nether regions.”
“Hey, hey, hu, hu! Let’s go kick him in the tooth!”
“That didn’t even rhyme,” Gary said. “But at least they’ve run out of vowels now.”
“Hey, hey, har, har, put his heart into a jar!”
“Apparently they don’t need just vowels,” Gary said.
Ryan came back, clutching a piece of parchment, brow furrowed in that way he sometimes got when he wanted to kill something or someone but couldn’t find the thing or person he wanted to kill. I called it his murder eyebrows. I thought it was adorable. He didn’t think it was funny that I equated his eyebrows with death.
(But it was.)
“I’ll find you something or someone to kill,” I said, because I loved him so. “Like a deer or an assassin. I know you need to feel the sweet release of stabbing something with your sword.”
He scowled at me. “Stuff like that is probably the reason these people are afraid of you.”
“Afraid of him?” Gary said, shocked. “Who in their right mind would be afraid of a skinny little twink like him? He weighs like four pounds.”
“Hey!” I barked. “I’m not a twink! And I’ve been working out! I have abs. Okay, maybe just one.”
We all stared at my bare stomach. Not much going on there.
“Fine,” I said with a scowl. “But I’m not a twink.”
Gary rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay. Sure you’re not.”
“Little twinky Sam,” Tiggy said. “Mens in your yard because of milkshakes.”
“I don’t even want to know what that means,” Ryan said. “Like most of the things you guys talk about. But you should probably take a look at this.”
He handed the parchment over to me, and I felt everyone else crowd around me, trying to read over my shoulder. I was annoyed for a second, but it fell away as soon as I saw the words printed on the page in large, blocky letters.
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!
SAM OF WILDS IS THE SCOURGE OF VERANIA!
FOR TOO LONG, HE HAS BEEN GIVEN FREE REIN!
HE HAS ACTED WITHOUT REGARD TO HIS FELLOW VERANIANS!
AREN’T YOU TIRED OF PAYING FOR SAM’S MISTAKES?
THE CRIMES OF SAM OF WILDS:
—GOT THE PRINCE KIDNAPPED
—CAUSED UNTOLD AMOUNT OF DAMAGE TO THRONE ROOM
—HAS BEADY LITTLE EYES THAT ARE CONNIVING
—A HOME-WRECKER WHO DESTROYS HAPPY AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS
—PROBABLY CURSES PEOPLE TO DO HIS BIDDING
—HAS DONE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL
—IS FRIENDS WITH A UNICORN IN AN INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WITH A DRAGON
—WHICH IS GROSS
—SUBJECTS THE MAGNIFICENT PRINCE JUSTIN TO HIS STUPIDITY
SAM OF WILDS CAME FROM THE SLUMS!
HE WAS NOT QUALIFIED TO BE THE KING’S WIZARD!
WAS HE EVEN BORN IN VERANIA?
SHOW US HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!
WE THE PEOPLE DEMAND IT!
IF YOU HATE SAM OF WILDS AS MUCH AS WE DO, THEN IT’S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!
PICK UP YOUR SIGNS!
TELL THE CROWN WE WON’T STAND FOR SAM OF WILDS!
THE PEOPLE OF VERANIA SAY NO!
JOIN US AND HELP US RID VERANIA OF THIS SCUM!
PAID FOR BY THE WHSAL FOR A SAM-FREE VERANIA
“What?” I yelped. “None of this is even remotely true!”
“To be fair,” Justin said, “You do subject me to your stupidity, you did get me kidnapped, broke up my sort-of-real relationship, and I am magnificent.”
“Gross?” Gary said, outraged. “Gross? I’ll have you know that my love for Kevin is a beautiful thing! Sure, some of the things we do can be classified as gross, but that’s between me and my future baby daddy!”
“Consent truly is important if you plan on being in a BDSM-style relationship,” Kevin agreed. “And our children will be glorious. Much better than our practice child, Sam, who I think we can all agree is an unmitigated failure.”
“And the Darks did come after y
ou in the throne room,” Randall said.
“And you did ask me when you were twelve if there was a way to curse that boy from the kitchen so he could bring you more cookies,” Morgan said.
“Your eyes are tiny,” Tiggy said. “Tiny Eyes. Capitalized. It true now.”
“And I suppose you are from the slums,” Mom said.
“Which might have made people trying to be the apprentice to Morgan of Shadows slightly angry,” Dad agreed. “Given that you were plucked from obscurity and handed this job that they all wanted and had been working for all their lives and that you did nothing for.”
“And you do illegal things all the time,” Ryan said. “Even though I tell you not to. Because they’re illegal.”
I glared at all of them.
“And this is your family,” Vadoma said. “Saying such things. For shame. You come home with Vadoma. I show you what it means to have a family.”
“Okay, first things first,” I said. “Fuck all of you. Second, Vadoma, I swear to the gods, if you are behind any of this, you’re going to see a side of me you haven’t seen before.”
She grinned. It wasn’t a very nice-looking thing. “I didn’t do this. This is something you did all on your own.”
Yeah, she could fall off a cliff and I’d be okay with it. Especially if at the bottom of said cliff, there was a bunch of hungry kelpies who would stomp her face until it was a bloody mess.
“What the hell is the WHSAL?” I muttered irritably.
“You don’t want to know,” Ryan said. “You really, really don’t want to know.”
And before I could find a way to respond to that, the chanting behind us stopped. I turned back around, thinking maybe this was over. I had other things to worry about. I didn’t have time for stupid people.
But it wasn’t over. Because of course it wasn’t.
The crowd had quieted because they were focused on a single individual.
A girl who now stood up on a wooden box in front of everyone, a bright purple megaphone in her hands. She wore an expensive white dress with little blue ribbons at the waist and on her shoulders. Her hair fell in flawless blonde ringlets. Her makeup was expertly applied. Her eyes were wide and bright. She made the perfect picture of innocence. A beautiful girl on a bright sunny morning, shimmery in her pretty dress and her bubble-gum pink lipstick and nail polish.