by TJ Klune
I heard Kevin roaring behind us somewhere, either in the sky or on land, I didn’t know. He wouldn’t get to us in time, regardless. I didn’t know where Ryan and Tiggy were. I hoped they were safe.
And as I reached those final steps, I knew this was quite possibly the stupidest thing I’d ever done.
Ruv went left, just as I’d told him to. As he went, he curled the arm holding the wooden contraption against his chest, then flung it out in a flat arc. The hinges creaked as the board unfolded and the sail rose.
My feet caught the edge of the island, leg muscles coiling, and I pushed myself off into nothing.
It was a good jump. Really, ten out of ten. If I’d seen anyone else do it, I probably would have cheered and thought how cool it was.
But since it was me leaping above the cavern, I couldn’t help but shriek quite loudly, because that shit was insane. I was going to have to have a talk with the others about allowing me to do such stupid things without thinking of the repercussions.
And it was then—flying through the air, trying to reach for Ruv’s sailboard like I had any idea how to use it, a gigantic snake dragon monster thing beginning to flap its wings to lift off and take after me—that I had a very real thought about the state of my life.
The thought?
I might be a fucking idiot.
And there was green and gold as my hand wrapped around the pole that held up the sail. There was red and yellowyellowyellow as I pulled it toward me, putting my feet down on the wooden board as I felt the ominous tilt that signaled a descent.
Jekhipe snarled behind me.
And I pushed.
The magic that had been crawling along my skin burst outward in a brightly colored flash. It hit the sail, causing it to stretch out like it’d been hit with a gale force wind. Instead of falling, the board started to tilt back up, and it was going to be enough. I was going to make it to the other side. I was going to clear this motherfucking jump and it was going to be awesome and I—
I started to fall again.
“Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuckfuckfuck!”
My magic was going haywire, creating short, sharp bursts that hit the sail, causing me to jerk forward, but not enough to lift me up. I couldn’t find the edges to grasp on to it, to hold it close, to force it to do what I wanted to do. I thought maybe it had to do with the burst of energy I’d used against the sand mermaids. Magic wasn’t infinite. There wasn’t an endless well within that I could draw from. Used long and hard enough, I felt drained, tired, weak.
Sort of like I was feeling right now.
As I started to plummet into the cavern.
I had three choices here:
I could get eaten by Jekhipe.
I could smash into the side of the cavern.
I could fall all the way to the bottom.
None of those sounded like a good way to go. In fact, they all sounded terrible.
And just as I was sure I was about cross the veil, there came the most idiotic and wonderful thing I’d ever heard in my life bellowing out above me.
“Duh da da daaaaaaaaaaaaa! Kevin’s here to save the daaaaaaaaaay!”
I looked up.
Kevin was dive-bombing directly toward me.
Jekhipe curled in the air, eyes darting from me to Kevin, like it was trying to decide who to go after.
It decided on me.
So there I was, with a dragon the size of a large house with his wings tucked at his sides plunging toward me, and another dragon made of nightmares, jaws open, ready to force me down its considerable gullet, all while I was falling to my death in a cavern I’d made when I’d vaporized sand mermaids so they wouldn’t eat my boyfriend and my half-giant.
Yeah. I know.
Fuck my life.
It happened quicker than I expected.
Kevin twisted himself until he could stretch a clawed hand toward me.
Jekhipe’s tongue came out, and I could almost feel it on my skin.
Kevin pinched the pole holding up the sail between two claws, digging into the wood.
“You better hold on to something,” he shouted gleefully.
“Oh no,” I said.
His wings snapped open, catching an updraft.
Instead of falling, suddenly we were shooting upward, my gut immediately sinking to my feet as I fell flat on my stomach, stretching out along the board, holding on for dear life.
I looked down in time to see Jekhipe fly right under us with a snarl of outrage. If I were so inclined, I could have reached down and touched it since it was so close.
Kevin allowed the wind to fill the membranes of his wings, stretching them out and pulling us upward. He curled his arm, bringing me closer to his body.
“Who’s a badass?” he crowed.
I vomited over the side of the board.
“Oh gods. Why do you always do that when we fly?”
“My bad,” I said feebly, spitting out a gross something. “Maybe it has to do with the fact that I almost died.”
“Yeah, and whose fault is that? By the way, I’m pretty sure your knight shit himself silly when you jumped. You might want to prepare yourself for an epic ass whooping when we get back. If you want to repay me for saving your life yet again, you could let me watch said ass whooping. He’s got such big hands—”
Jekhipe roared again behind us.
“Godsdammit,” I said, looking back. “Even you weren’t this much of a pain in my ass.”
“Yeah, only because you won’t let me—”
“Not the time!”
“It’s never the time!”
“Where are we going?”
“Back to the island.”
And we were. Kevin had circled around and was flying lower and lower. “What! No! You can’t bring that thing back to everyone else. Kevin, what the hell!”
“You stupid idiot,” he said fondly. “We’re in this together. And that’s the way it’s going to be.”
And for once, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
We landed quickly, Kevin coming in and hitting the ground running as he held me up and away so I wouldn’t fall. He slid to a halt near the dome, kicking up the dust around us. I jumped off the board and could barely resist falling to my knees and kissing the sweet, sweet earth beneath my feet.
Instead I was manhandled into a hug by a pair of strong arms, a face mashed against my neck, breath heavy against my skin.
“I hate you so much right now,” Ryan Foxheart said hoarsely. “You have no idea.”
I hugged him back. “Would it help if I said sorry?”
He pulled back, a scowl on his face. “Sorry. You’re sorry. You… you… mothercracker.”
I grinned at him.
His nose wrinkled. “Why do you smell like vomit?”
“Annnnnd moment over,” I said, stepping out of his arms.
“Did you vomit because your tummy got sick?” Gary asked sympathetically. “He’s got a very sensitive tummy, in case you didn’t know. Yes. Yes, you do.”
“Shut up,” I muttered. “We don’t have time—”
The ground shook.
I turned.
Jekhipe slithered toward us, stopping a short distance away. It reared back. Its hood shook. Its teeth were bared.
Ryan stood to my right. Ruv was at my left. Gary stood behind me, head over my shoulder. Tiggy was next to him, pressing up against my back. Kevin towered over us, wings spread, snarling in anger.
“Oh my gods,” I whispered reverently. “I bet we look so fucking cool right now. Shit! I gotta say something witty!”
“Sam,” Ryan said, exasperated. He flourished his sword because he couldn’t not. “We don’t have time—”
“I got it!” I puffed out my chest and glared at Jekhipe. “I feel like playing dice, boys. I just need some snake eyes.”
Everyone groaned.
“What! That was good!”
“Is it possible he’s getting worse?” Gary asked. “Because it seems like he’s getting worse.”
“He so special,” Tiggy cooed.
And then, because I wanted to get this godsdamned show on the road, I bent over, picked up a good-sized stone, and chucked it at the motherfucking snake dragon monster thing.
It was a good throw, if I do say so myself.
Especially since it hit Jekhipe right in the eye.
“Ha!” I crowed. “Take that, motherfucker!”
And Jekhipe said, “Ow! Why you gotta be so mean like that?”
I scoffed. “Because you deserved—wait. What.”
Chapter 18: And That Was How I Met a Teenage Emo Dragon
“YOU HIT me in the eye,” the snake dragon monster thing known as Jekhipe said.
“Wow,” Kevin said. “I am sorry for him. If it makes you feel any better, he did the same thing to me when we met. I’m starting to think he has a thing for hitting dragons in the eye. Which is rude, by the way.”
“I don’t know why I’m so surprised you can talk,” I said to Jekhipe. “Like, I heard you in my head and everything, but you’re like… you know. You. What the fuck.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said. “What the—”
I glared at him.
“—heck?” he finished with a scowl on his face.
“Of course I can talk,” Jekhipe said. “I’ve been talking to the wizard since I woke up.” He frowned and then slumped to the ground, laying his chin in the dirt. His wings drooped at his sides, and the hood around his head sagged. “Then he had to go and be all mean to me.” He blinked the eye I’d hit with a rock rapidly.
“Are you… are you pouting?” I asked, incredulous.
“I’m allowed to pout,” Jekhipe said, sounding morose. “I’m in pain and everything is really lame right now, okay? Gods.” His wings drooped farther.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked faintly.
“I think you hurt his feelings,” Gary said, sounding amused.
“I did? He was trying to eat us!”
“Excuse you,” Jekhipe said. “I was not.”
“Then what the fuck was that whole coming-after-us thing!”
“I thought we were playing around.”
“Is this real life?” I asked Ryan. “Or did you get me drunk again to try and have your way with me and this whole thing is a hallucination?”
“Yeah, because I need to get you drunk to do stuff to you,” Ryan said dryly. “All I have to do is look at you and you’re ready to go.”
“Bullshit.”
He smoldered at me.
“Sweet molasses,” I whispered. “It’s like you were dipped in sex and I need to lick it—”
“Ugh,” Jekhipe groaned. “Gods, old people are so disgusting.”
“Ha!” Tiggy said. “He called you old.”
“Old?” I said, outraged. “I’m not old.”
“Bitch,” Gary said to me. “You gonna get wrinkles if you keep making that face.”
“I’ve been drugged,” I decided, because it was the only thing that made sense. “Somehow, I’ve been drugged, and this whole damn thing has been some weird side effect. I’m probably in the castle, in my bed, hallucinating my balls off.”
“Let me handle this,” Kevin said, pushing me out of the way as he stepped forward. “I obviously am trained in dealing with these exact situations.”
“You’ve trained your dragon for this?” Ruv asked. “That’s impressive.”
“We haven’t trained him to do anything,” Ryan said. “He usually just does what he wants and we let him. Because he’s bigger than us.”
“Ah,” Ruv said. “How emasculating for you.”
Ryan frowned. “Are you insulting me?”
“Hello!” Kevin said, standing in front of Jekhipe, who was still moaning about getting hit in the face by old people. “I am the Lord Dragon, Kevin. The Beast from the East. As you can see, I, too, am a dragon. And as you can also probably see, I am far more masculine than everyone here. My virility is legendary. People worship me. I am in charge of this group that you see behind me. I also act as ambassador, rugged mascot, and sexual liaison.”
“Literally none of that is true aside from his name,” I said. “Absolutely none of it. Kevin, what the hell.”
Kevin tossed me a glare over his shoulder. “Sam,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m trying to make a connection here, so if you could please stop undermining my authority.” He turned back to the snake dragon. “Sorry about that. He gets a little… jealous when my attention is on others. He’s very possessive of me, Sam is.”
I groaned into my hands.
“It okay,” Tiggy said, rubbing my back. “You learn to share. I teach you. Don’t touch my stuff.”
“You’re so good at everything you do,” Gary said, pressing his face against Tiggy’s arm. “My big, sweet brute of a giant.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy said, kissing him on the ear. “Prettiest unicorn ever.”
“You were insulting me,” Ryan said to Ruv. “Hey! I’m a man. I’m all man.”
“How wonderful for you,” Ruv said. “And obviously, because you feel the need to say it.”
“We come in peace,” Kevin said to Jekhipe. “And bringeth you tidings of great joy from the King of Verania, on whose behalf I speaketh on. He wisheth you a long and healthy life. Eth and thou.”
“Urgh,” Jekhipe groaned, curling in on himself. “I feel like my soul is getting turned inside out and it’s filled with crows and lament.”
I pushed my way past Kevin, giving him a good kick in the leg as I went by, though I knew he’d barely feel it. It made me feel slightly better, at least. I was cautious as I stood next to him, staring at Jekhipe, who was moaning about how the world didn’t understand him, that all he wanted to do was crawl back into his hole and sit in the dark and be left alone, gods.
“Why the hell are you acting like a sullen teenager?” I demanded, trying not to get too close in case this was all a ruse and he was going to snap at me.
He opened a single dark eye to look at me. “Uh, duh. I am a teenager.”
I said, “What.”
“You don’t even listen to me,” he wailed, curling in on himself again. “Nobody ever understands me and my deep thoughts and feelings!”
“Um, Ruv?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Is this the dragon from the drawings you’ve seen passed down by your people?”
“Yes, Sam.”
“Okay. So. Just. Wait.” I frowned. “I’m lost. Kevin?”
“Beats me,” Kevin said. “We’re not the same kind of dragon. Don’t be racist, Sam. I don’t say that all you humans look alike. That’s mean.”
“That’s not what I was saying!”
“What’s so hard to understand?” Jekhipe said. “I sleep for ninety-nine years, stay awake for one, and then go back to sleep. I’m not that old.”
This was bad. This was very, very bad.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. So. How old are you?”
“One thousand four hundred years old,” Jekhipe said, as if I was the most annoying thing in creation.
“And you’re only awake for one year at a time.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said, gods.”
“And you sleep the rest of the time.”
“Yes. Why are you on my back about this?”
“So,” I said slowly. “Technically, you are fourteen years old.”
“Wow,” Jekhipe said. “Look at you. Do you do any other tricks aside from math? Gods, why can’t you all just leave me alone so I can contemplate the meaning of my existence and why we’re all probably just some sort of cosmic accident put here to achieve nothing but endless suffering?”
And that was how I met a teenage emo dragon.
I SAT on a rock, my face in my hands, rocking back and forth and moaning. “Why. Why does this happen to me? Why? Whyyyy?”
“At least this continues to prove my point I made a long time ago,” Ryan said from beside me. “You’re the common denominator in all this. It feels good bei
ng right.”
I peered through my fingers to glare at him.
“Not helping,” he said hastily. “Right. I can see that. Look, if it makes you feel better, it’s really not your fault.”
“Thanks,” I said, dropping my hands. “That does make me feel a little bit better.”
“Good,” Ryan said, smiling at me. “After all, it’s not your fault the gods seem to have it out for you and throw every obstacle in your path that they can.”
I put my face back in my hands again and said, “Whyyyy.”
“I wonder what this means for the others?”
“What others?”
“The other dragons. If this one is… like this, what does that mean for the mountain dragons? Or the Great White?”
I almost told him that the Great White was already an asshole, but then remembered I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the dragon’s words to me in the vision. I thought maybe I should say something, but I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t do this. Because I could. And I would prove to the Great White and the star dragon what I was capable of.
Of course, that meant dealing with Jekhipe. Which, you know, sucked.
Ryan took my hands away from my face and held them in his on his lap, digging his thumbs into the palms. It felt good, being this close to him right now. I felt like I was flying in a hundred different directions, and I think he knew that, knew I needed something grounding me. I was still tired from expending as much magic as I had, but my strength was returning, slowly but surely.
“We’ll figure it out,” he murmured. “You’ll see. We always do.”
“Yeah. One dragon at a time, you know? I’m sure the others will be a clusterfuck too, but no need to worry about that until we get there.”
“You good now?” I heard Gary ask.
I looked up, squinting against the sunlight to see Gary and Tiggy standing over me.
“Define good.”
“Better than you were?”
“Maybe.”
“Good. So, Kevin and fake-Ryan are talking to the dragon, trying to get him to open up.”
“Damn right he’s a fake me,” Ryan muttered.
“And how’s that going for them?”
Tiggy shrugged and held up his hand, seesawing it back and forth. “Eh.”