“Okay. We’re done here, Lexi. You could dance for the goddamn King of Bhutan, but it still doesn’t give you the right to show up at our house.”
Lexi.
Jordan jumped to his feet, sending the stool on which he’d sat crashing to the floor, and hurried to the door. Lexi was standing on his porch.
“What are you doing here, Lex?” he asked, ignoring the way Elliott folded his arms in front of his chest and leaned back against the wall to watch. Lexi’s cheeks were flushed, but she wasn’t out of breath from following him home. She followed me home. And just that like that, his heart beat faster in his chest. Traitorous little fucker, his heart.
“I’m not stupid enough to think that any of what happened today was my fault. But I need you to tell me why you left instead of talking to me.” Lexi crossed her arms just like Elliott had, but she was rubbing her biceps with her gloved hands. She was cold, and he needed to fix that.
“For fuck’s sake. Come inside,” he said, nudging Elliott out of the way.
“Wow, you’ve developed some pretty serious charm skills, Jordan,” Elliott said with a laugh. “I’m Elliott,” he said, holding out his hand to Lexi.
She took off her gloves as she stepped into the hallway and shook his hand. “I really am Lexi,” she said.
“The phone?” Elliott asked, grinning like an idiot.
“What phone?” Lexi asked, confusion all over her face.
“Nothing,” Jordan said. “Can you go away now please, Elliott?”
“Not on your life,” Elliott said. “Can I take your coat, Lexi?”
“She’s not staying,” Jordan said at the same time Lexi said, “Yes, please.”
Elliott slid Lexi’s coat off her shoulders. Jordan had to fight the urge to punch him in the face and break his fingers for daring to touch her. Which was ridiculous, but . . . He took a deep breath as Elliott hung the coat on a spare hook.
Where the hell do I take her to talk? In fact, how did he even begin to explain the fact that he lived here with his bandmates? He couldn’t take her to his bedroom. It would be too cold for her up there. The guest bedroom was where he . . . well, fucked every other woman he’d brought home. She didn’t belong there. They could go to the movie room.
“Lexi,” he said. “Look, today was—”
The front door slammed open, and Nikan and Lennon bounced in out of the cold. Can I not catch a fucking break?
“Hey, cutie,” Nikan said on full-charm offensive.
“Stop,” Elliott said. “She’s the phone.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jordan groaned. They’d been talking about him after all.
“For real?” Lennon looked between Lexi and Jordan as if he was solving a complex problem.
“The phone!” Nikan shouted.
Lexi turned to face Jordan. “Why am I ‘the phone’?”
Jordan felt his face go red. “Can you guys just go? Somewhere. Anywhere that isn’t right here.”
Elliott grinned and kissed Lexi’s cheek. “I’m already in love with you, Lexi,” he said and turned toward the stairs.
“Me, too,” Nikan added, kissing her too.
“Can I kiss her?” asked Lennon.
“Not if you want to keep all your teeth. Fuck off,” Jordan answered.
“Are you happy?” Elliott sang as he took the stairs two at a time. “Are you satisfied?”
“How long can you stand the heat?” Nikan added, as Lennon pounded on the handrail after him.
“Are they singing Queen?” Lexi asked, watching the three of them jog up the stairs.
“Yeah,” he answered gruffly. Another one bites the dust.
CHAPTER FIVE
Confusion was only one of the many emotions Lexi felt right now. There was also anxiety, because who the hell were all those men, and why had they all just run upstairs like they lived here? And embarrassment that she’d just stalked across Toronto trailing a man. A man who was clearly not pleased to see her. And downright anger that burned in her gut because Jordan had abandoned her, leaving her to detach herself from that asshole. When Gareth had asked her for Jordan’s phone number, it had taken everything she had to not slap him. And, to be honest with herself, if a little girl hadn’t run toward him shouting “Daddy,” that was exactly what she would have done.
She looked at Jordan, who seemed frozen to the spot as his friends ran up the stairs. And why the hell was she “a phone”?
“You were fast,” Jordan said, looking at her with those hypnotic eyes.
Well, he wasn’t going to use them tonight to get her to fall under his spell. Not without talking stuff through first.
“Some study in the UK tested ballet dancer fitness against that of the UK Olympic swim team, and dancers beat the swimmers in seven of the ten core tests. But I wouldn’t have had to run so fast if you’d waited for me,” she said, placing her hands on her hips.
Jordan reached for her wrist and led her to the living room. “Sit, Lex. Can I get you a drink? I think we still have some wine from Christmas.”
“Just water, please.” She didn’t need her senses muddied, or the extra calories.
He returned a moment later and handed her a glass. Lexi took a long drink to wet her dry mouth.
“Thirsty?” Jordan asked.
“Yes. Because I just chased an idiot man halfway across Toronto.” At least Jordan had the good sense to look contrite.
He leaned back against the sofa, holding the neck of his beer between two fingers. “I’ve never been chased after like that before. Never occurred to me you would. Why did you do that, Lex?”
She’d been asking herself the same question as she’d dodged pedestrians, jaywalked red lights, and did her best to keep out of sight like an inept spy in a Mission Impossible movie. But she’d come up with some answers, and it was only right that she shared them with him. “It’s like there are two sides to you. The gruff, antisocial rock star. And then there’s this whole other side that makes me burn. So you want to know why I chased you? I chased you because nobody has ever written songs for me before. Songs so filled with story and emotion that I can’t help but dance to them. And I chased you because I dance better to them when you watch me. Whether I see you through the glass, or imagine you sitting on the chair in front of the mirror. If I go deep inside myself, I can pretend you are there, and I do better. And I chased you because that kiss knocked me on my ass. Nobody has ever done that to me before. I’m not usually this forward, and I’m definitely not pushy, but I felt something, and I’m sure you did too. And, finally, I chased you because I could feel how much that man hurt you, and I needed to know that you were okay. But I need to understand why, at the very first hurdle, you ran away from me and not to me?”
Jordan took a long sip of his beer and ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t run away from you. I just needed to get away before I did something really stupid. But then, on the walk home, I realized I’m not the guy for you, no matter how badly both of us want me to be.”
The bottom fell out of Lexi’s stomach. She didn’t want to believe a word Jordan was telling her. Taking a deep breath, she composed her thoughts. “If you can give me three reasons that make sense, I’ll go. Make me understand your reasons and I walk away.”
Using his thumbnail, Jordan picked away at the label on his bottle. He drank the last of the beer and put the bottle down on the side table. “Fine. You want three reasons? Reason one.” Jordan stood and started to pace. “I . . . we can’t because . . .”
Lexi stood, walked to him, and stopped him in his tracks by placing her hands on his chest. It was warm, solid even. His heart raced furiously under her hand, matching the pace of his perfectly. “Have you ever been in a relationship, Jordan?”
“What do you think, Lexi? Do I look like the kind of guy who does this on a regular basis?” He placed his hands on top of hers, and she couldn’t help but smile. “Lex,” he said, her name hanging in the air between the two of them. “I can’t do this. Not with y
ou. I thought I could, but it’s too . . . I don’t know. You should probably go.” Just when Lexi thought her heart couldn’t take anymore, the front door crashed open, and the sound of loud voices made her jump.
“Put the cases over there, please?” a male voice directed.
Lexi wondered exactly how many people lived in this house. Or whether they would get a moment to finish the conversation they needed to have without distraction.
A woman with purple hair carried a dark-haired baby into the living room. As soon as the baby’s eyes found Jordan, she started to squeal and reach her arms in his direction. Lexi couldn’t describe how she knew, but this had to be the baby he’d been walking that night.
“Watch this, Jordan,” the woman said. She placed the baby down on the floor. “Petal, go find Uncle Jordan.”
Jordan moved Lexi’s hands from his chest and crouched down as the little girl clumsily crawled toward him. Her wide grin revealed two little teeth and a whole heap of drool. Jordan’s smile was so broad and so bright that Lexi couldn’t help but smile despite her chest aching with longing.
“Ettie, baby. I missed you,” he crooned. The little girl let out an excited laugh as he scooped her into his arms, kissing her little cheeks over and over.
She slapped her hands on either side of Jordan’s face and blew a series of bubbles right at him, and he laughed.
A man joined them in the living room and hugged Jordan. “We did it, man. I finally got my family all in one place.”
“No problems with Immigration?” Jordan asked.
“He’s stuck with me for the next five years, whether he wants me or not. The paperwork is all set. I can live in Canada permanently,” the woman said as the man wrapped his arms around her.
“You’re stuck with me for life, and you know it. Hey,” the man said to Lexi, “I’m Dred, and this is my fiancée, Pixie, and my daughter, Petal.”
“This is Lexi. We were having a private chat, so . . .” Jordan left the words hanging.
“Yes, but this is public space,” Dred grinned. “Which makes you guys fair game.” Dred turned to her again. “Pix just left Miami to come live with me after nearly a year of long distance. We move into our new house soon.”
“Congratulations,” Lexi said brightly, trying to ignore the way Jordan suddenly frowned. “That must be really exciting.”
“Hey, did I hear our baby is back?” Elliott said, bouncing down the stairs. The other guys followed suit, hugging Pixie and taking turns giving Petal kisses.
“You met Lexi?” Elliott asked Dred.
“I did,” Dred answered.
“She’s the phone,” Lennon added.
Dred turned and looked at her, his grin broadening, his demeanor changing. He strode over to Lexi and hugged her. “I think I love you,” he said.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jordan groaned, but his tone was more exasperated than angry.
“She’s the phone?” Pixie asked, almost jumping up and down with excitement. Suddenly the hair and nickname all matched. She looked like an overexcited sprite.
“You want to stay for dinner?” Nikan asked. “It’s nothing special. We’re ordering pizza.”
“She’s just leaving,” Jordan said.
“I’d love to,” Lexi said at the exact same time.
* * *
He was going to fucking kill Lennon. Likely in his sleep. Yes. When he was asleep would be better, because he wouldn’t be able to get any last-minute digs in. He could just put a pillow over his face and hold it there until—
“I like her,” Nikan said, helping himself to another piece of pepperoni pizza. The six boxes were lined up on the kitchen counter, from which Jordan hadn’t moved.
Like her. It was the under-fucking-statement of the year. And if Lennon didn’t stop draping his arm over Lexi’s shoulder, he was going to tear the limb from Lennon’s fucking body and feed it to the raccoons that had taken up residence under the back porch.
She fit. Like he knew she would. She fit in their home. She fit with his brothers. Shit. Even Petal had traitorously defected sides and was currently curled up half asleep in Lexi’s arms with a tight grip on her finger.
“Tied up in knots is a good look for you,” Dred said, coming to stand on his other side.
“Not sure I asked your opinion,” Jordan replied.
“I know you didn’t. But I’m telling you anyway. I really like her.”
Jordan suddenly felt like he was wearing relationship training wheels.
“I said the same thing,” Nikan added, talking straight at Dred, as if Jordan weren’t standing between them like a useless lumpfish.
“I am here, you know,” Jordan said, suddenly not wanting the rest of the pizza he’d grabbed. He turned and stamped on the pedal of the trash can, dropping the pizza inside.
“Yeah. But you’re all gruff and growly. If I hadn’t just seen you inhale pizza, I’d say it was because you were hungry. You know how you get.” Nikan laughed.
“Fuck you. Assholes. The pair of you.”
Dred and Nikan laughed, and Lexi looked over at the sound. Her eyes found his immediately, and the look in them squeezed his chest so badly that he wasn’t sure how to take his next breath.
She smiled softly. But it was the kind of smile that didn’t reach all the way to those blue eyes of hers. Pixie said something to her, and he felt the loss of Lexi as soon as she turned away to speak to her.
“What was going on when I barged in? Pixie said it was tense,” Dred said.
“I’d just told her to leave,” Jordan answered.
“Why did you do that?” Nikan asked, his voice filled with that paternal shit he did. Words like “understanding” and “compassion” came to mind, but Jordan wasn’t in the mood to answer.
“The day I realized that what was happening between me and Pix was serious, I almost choked. You remember the day she and I fell asleep on that sofa right there?” Dred nodded his head toward the huge family room sofa. “Lennon came down mouthing off about how I was a lousy fuck if we’d slept clothed. But I felt like it had been the best fucking night ever.”
He needed to get away from his friends for a little while. Their presence was starting to make him feel hemmed in. Forced into sharing shit he didn’t want to. “And your point is?”
“My point is I get how terrifying it is to realize you might be able to have something you’ve always wanted.” Dred slapped him on the back and walked over to join Lex and Pixie.
Whatever he said made them both laugh, which in turn woke Petal. Dred took her from Lexi and headed upstairs with his family. They’d be moving out soon. His family finally would be irrevocably broken, and the pain in his chest felt like the end of the fucking world.
Lexi walked toward him. He loved the way she moved. The way she held herself with such grace. The way she did even the most basic things, like put one foot in front of the other, was so fluid. His eyes tracked to her hips in the fitted dress she wore. Goddamn, everything about her was perfect.
“I need to go soon,” she said as she reached him. “Is there somewhere we could go to finish our conversation?”
“I’m not sure there’s anything left to say, Lex.” His voice held firm, even though his insides were getting shredded worse than one of Nikan’s guitars. He didn’t deserve anyone as perfect as her, and he wondered for a moment why he had even tried. “I left. You shouldn’t have followed me.”
“You need to get out of whatever loop is going on inside that head of yours, and answer from here,” she said, pressing her palm flat against his heart. “What does this tell you, Jordan? Think back to how it felt when we talked on the phone. Think about how it felt when you kissed me on my porch, or in front of the AGO this afternoon. Tell me how your heart would have answered before we ran into Gareth? How would it have answered before you saw that fucking painting?”
“Did you just swear?” Jordan asked, incredulous. He’d never heard anything resembling a curse from her mouth.
&n
bsp; “YES!” Lexi stabbed him in the chest with a finger. “Because you have made me angry, you asshole. Tell me what your heart wants to do, or I’ll—”
“For fuck’s sake,” he said as he grabbed her hand. They hurried down the stairs and past the recording studio into the movie room, which contained a huge projection screen and a mix of sofas and armchairs.
Lexi sat down on one of the sofas and folded her arms. Her lips were pursed, and small lines furrowed across the bridge of her nose. If he weren’t so pissed that she’d just shouted at him like a kid in front of his brothers, he would have admitted it was cute. Which was the last thing he needed right now.
“Tell me,” Lexi said, this time with patience. “I don’t understand. We have the start of something here, Jordan, and you aren’t giving it a chance?”
“You want to know what happened back in the gallery?” Jordan paced the floor. “Do you want me to spell it out how hard it is to be confronted by your past? A past that you have tried your damnedest to bury. You aren’t stupid, Lexi, so—”
“No, I’m not. So stop treating me like I am. I can’t imagine how it must have felt to have been taken away from your parents, but I do know what it is like to lose a parent. I can’t imagine how it must have felt to have been sent to live with someone who abused you. And I can’t imagine what it must be like to be reminded of it. But why won’t you let me help you shoulder the burden? Why have you already decided I’m incapable of being there for you? That I’m somehow not good enough?”
Jordan felt like he was seeing her with new eyes. What a selfish asshole he was. How on Earth could she think that he didn’t think she was good enough for him?
He sat next to her on the sofa. “Don’t ever think this is about you not being good enough. It’s the exact opposite. I’ve lived with this for so long that I’m not even sure I can let anybody help. You need somebody better than me,” he said sadly. The moment he said the words, he wished he could’ve sucked them back in. But it was better that she knew now.
Lexi placed her hand on his cheek, and his heart betrayed him as he leaned toward her, savoring the connection one more time before he severed it permanently. For the first time in his life, he fully understood the power of the word “permanent.” If he let her go, he’d never see her again. Except, perhaps, in the videos the Canadian National Ballet posted online. But if she stayed . . .
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