And so it was that the very next day, tentatively, nervously, but still flooded with relief, Eliza embarked on a course of Trazodone. Within a week, she was sleeping well, and by the second she could feel, day by day, the baffling and frightening sensations of despair shifting from her. She still cried for Baby Charles, but she felt in control of herself and her emotions once more, she was less exhausted and she could find some sense in life and even began to enjoy simple things again, going to Summercourt, making progress on the Fulham house, and looking for a pony for Emmie for Christmas – as instructed by Matt.
She even began having conversations with Matt again, talking about the baby and how he felt about it now, and that was hugely helpful, as he felt less rejected by her and less alone in his own grief. They even managed some sex, a poor, frail shadow of its early noisy self, but as they each quietly reflected, it was a beginning.
She did not, however, tell him about what had happened with Emmie that dreadful day in the drawing room; she decided that had been the actions of the other Eliza, the poor, mad, sickly Eliza, and what would be the point? She had begun afresh with Emmie and indeed with him and with every day it felt better to leave it. Some things, as she said to her mother, were best left buried. And her mother, relieved beyond anything at the change in her, was inclined to agree.
She still avoided certain things: social gatherings were beyond her, and she hated the bossy, pushy mother mafia at the nursery school gates, saying ‘sorry, double parked’ whenever anyone tried to engage her in conversation. The mafia thought they understood and continued, mercifully, to invite Emmie to parties and to tea.
Heather had been the only person she really wanted to see in those early dreadful days; Heather had lost two babies herself, and had been quietly kind, concerned, and helpful, and would come round to the house, not as overawed by its size and opulence as Eliza had feared, taking Emmie out when Eliza lacked the energy to walk to the park, or was crying so hard even Emmie became alarmed. She had provided Eliza’s link with sanity and she owed her more than she felt she would ever repay.
But she had been avoiding Eliza recently, making excuses not to see her, saying she was too busy or too tired to go to the park or to have her in to tea; baffled, anxious, slightly hurt, but thinking that perhaps she had foisted too much of her grief on her, Eliza went round to see her at lunchtime one day.
Heather appeared at the door, looking listless and pale. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘oh, hello.’
‘Heather,’ said Eliza, alarmed, ‘what it is it, what’s the matter?’
Heather said nothing, just started to cry.
‘Oh now, come on, you can’t cry. That’s my job,’ said Eliza.
Heather managed a feeble smile. ‘Got a tissue?’
‘Yes, of course. I knew there was something wrong. Can I come in?’
‘Yes. Yes, of course. Sorry.’
Eliza followed her upstairs, into the dingy room. ‘Cup of tea?’
‘No thanks. You have some. I’ve – I’ve gone off it.’ She met Eliza’s eyes reluctantly.
‘Oh,’ said Eliza, and it was as if the ground had dropped beneath her. ‘Oh, Heather. I see. You’re pregnant.’
‘Yes. I’m pregnant,’ said Heather with a huge, heaving sigh. ‘I’m sorry, Eliza.’
‘Sorry?’ said Eliza, crushing, stifling the fierce shot of jealousy. ‘Don’t say sorry, Heather. Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?’
‘Yes. Yes, it is. I just couldn’t face telling you. I thought it would be so – so terrible for you. Oh, God, excuse me.’ She rushed out of the room and into the toilet on the landing and came back a few minutes later, ashen, tears in her eyes.
‘It looks like it’s terrible for you, not me,’ said Eliza. ‘Did you really think I was so mean-spirited I’d not want to see you because of it? Heather, you’re my friend, you’ve saved my sanity last summer. I’d do anything for you, anything. I’m sad you felt like that.’
‘I didn’t. Well, not exactly. It just seemed so – so ironic. And cruel. You losing a baby you wanted me so much, me pregnant with one that we really don’t want at all. That’s not exactly right, but that we can’t cope with.’
‘Well, I think that comes under the heading of life,’ said Eliza. ‘Matt says it’s shit and he’s right. Now come on, tell me all about it.’
‘There’s not much to tell,’ said Heather. ‘Alan’s really bad-tempered with the worry, and me being so sick, and we’ll have to move now and I can see we should, but we can’t find anywhere. Not that’ll take a baby. And this flat is at least cheap. It’s a controlled rent, do you know what that is?’
‘I – think so,’ said Eliza carefully. (Controlled rents and the iniquity of them formed one of the main subjects of Matt’s rants. ‘… people living in places, pre-war rents, can’t put them up, can’t get the tenants out, it’s completely wrong …’)
‘But it’s terrible living here now,’ said Heather. ‘The roof’s leaking now and old Mrs Foster on the top floor, she’s finally had to go to live with her son, and the other toilet is leaking too, and often blocked.’
‘Oh, God. Poor you. Look, I’ll go and get Coral for you, Emmie’s out to tea. I’ll pick up a few things from the shop. And have you tried peppermint tea for the sickness? Or camomile? I’ll get you some of both. And don’t start rummaging for your purse, because you can give it to me some other time, OK?’
‘OK,’ said Heather, leaning back with a sigh, ‘thanks, Eliza.’
Eliza fetched Coral from playschool, and then whizzed her round the supermarket, buying her what were clearly luxuries, biscuits, squash, fruit yogurts, crisps.
‘Emmie’s so lucky,’ said Coral, ‘having a kind mummy like you.’
‘Oh Coral,’ said Eliza, with a sigh, ‘your mummy’s much kinder than me. Now how about some Rice Krispies? D’you like them?’
She took Coral back to the flat, cooked her tea and made some camomile and then peppermint tea for Heather to try. Heather said they were both disgusting and managed a feeble smile.
‘Right. I’d better go. Her Highness will be waiting for me. But I mean what I said, Heather, I really would do anything for you, anything at all. I mean it.’
She went to collect Emmie and transport her from one large luxurious home to another, reflecting yet again on the iniquity of life.
‘A drink, Miss Scarlett?’
‘Oh – Demetrios, yes please. How lovely.’
She was spending the last sweetly warm days of late autumn on Trisos; she had wanted to be alone, to think.
‘Lot of bookings for next year already, Miss Scarlett. We’re thinking of extending the house.’
‘Oh, Demetrios, is that wise?’ She had visions of some hideous modern adjunct. ‘Don’t spoil it.’
‘No, no, only just a little courtyard at the back, and maybe two, three rooms round it. I asked Mr Frost what he thought, he said we should talk with his architect.’
‘That’s a good idea. But isn’t he rather expensive?’
‘No, Miss Scarlett, very, very cheap.’
‘Oh.’ She was surprised. ‘Has he been here this year, Mr Frost?’
‘Oh, a lot of time yes. He is writing new book.’
‘And – was Mrs Frost with him?’
‘For a week, in the spring. She does not like the heat.’
‘Right.’ Bit of a funny place to build a house, then; he must spend a lot of the summer on his own … why did she care about Mrs Frost, for God’s sake.
‘She is wonderful lady. Very, very clever. She is poet. She talks not very much.’
That must be a quiet household, Scarlett thought. How dull … but at least it was a household. Which remained just a tantalising mirage in her own life.
She was thirty now, and she wanted marriage, a home, babies. She sighed, finished her drink, looked at the moon, rising over the dark, dark blue sea, cool, clear, huge, almost near enough to touch. But of course she couldn’t; it was far, far away. Rather like the husband a
nd home she wanted.
Maybe, that was all she was doing, crying for the moon.
Chapter 38
Mariella had invited Eliza to stay with her in Milan that autumn, to cheer her up after the death of her baby, and Eliza had clearly longed to accept. Matt however had refused to allow it.
‘He says it is term time, and I must be here with Emmie.’
‘I thought her nonna would look after her. You poor angel. Really, I am surprised Matt doesn’t want you to have a little holiday. He must realise you are tired and sad.’
‘He does. But he doesn’t understand how coming to you might help. And he’s unhappy too, and I – well, I suppose – oh dear – sorry, Mariella—’
Mariella could hear the tears in her voice and felt a rush of sympathy and sorrow – and rage towards Matt.
‘Perhaps,’ she suggested, ‘I should speak to Matt myself?’
‘Absolutely not,’ said Eliza, horrified. ‘That really would do no good at all.’
‘Well, I am not pleased with him. Not at all. You must tell him so.’
‘Maybe,’ said Eliza.
That afternoon Mariella went into Milan for some fittings for the coming season; feeling a little tired afterwards, she went into Cova for some hot chocolate and a pastry. She never ate the pastries, or not more than a tiny mouthful, but they were so delicious, and just looking at them on her plate made her feel happy.
As she sat there, sipping the chocolate, nibbling at the crumbs, surrounded by her shopping bags, she heard her name. She looked up. It was Timothy Fordyce.
‘Timothy! How very lovely. Come, sit down, share my cannoncino, I have already eaten more of it than I should.’
‘Lovely for me, too, Mariella. Thank you. How are you?’
‘Oh, you know, so very, very busy, getting ready for the season.’
‘I can see. Obviously a heavy afternoon,’ he said, grinning, gesturing at the bags.
‘Come, sit down. How are things at the agency? The fattoria inferna, as Giovanni calls it.’
‘Very good! Not too infernal just now. Actually, very busy, hardly got time to lunch. Got one of the big guns coming over from New York beginning of December. In fact I think you know him, seem to remember his name coming up at that splendid dinner you gave that time when your English friend was here, Jeremy Northcott, nice chap.’
‘Jeremy! Yes, of course. I would very much like to see him again.’
‘Well, you must. We’ll have dinner one night.’
‘Oh, that would be so delightful. Thank you, Timothy, how very, very kind. Now, let me order you a cioccolata?’
‘You can indeed. It looks wonderful. Grazie.’ He smiled at her. There was a great deal of admiration in that smile, she noted. Good. She would use that, as she always did, when the need arose.
‘Prego,’ she said, smiling back.
‘Eliza.’
‘Yes, Matt.’
‘Look—’ He was clearly finding whatever it was difficult to say. ‘It probably would do you good to go away for a few days. I know I should have taken you, but I’ve been so busy.’
‘Yes, I had noticed.’
‘So – maybe, I thought – you could go a bit later. At the end of term. Emmie breaks up quite early in December, I think, and then you could take her with you.’
‘Well, I don’t know if that would suit Mariella,’ said Eliza coolly. ‘She’s a very busy woman.’
‘Oh Eliza, come off it.’
‘There are more ways of being busy than covering the country with concrete.’
‘Yes, all right, but I don’t count buying frocks among them. Look, I’m trying to help. To be – nice.’
‘I – I know. But I don’t think you understand. Getting away would be so lovely—’
‘Getting away from me, you mean.’
‘No, Matt, of course not.’
‘Well, that’s what it looks like. From where I am.’
‘You are so self-obsessed,’ she said, ‘you know that?’
‘And you’re not, I suppose. Look – oh, what’s the use. You do what you bloody well want, you usually do.’
And he stalked out of the kitchen.
She hesitated for a moment then followed him.
He was standing in the drawing room, staring out of the window.
‘Matt.’
No reaction.
‘Matt. I’m sorry.’
He turned round; his face was flushed and his eyes very brilliant.
‘You really are not the only one hurting, you know,’ he said and his voice cracked slightly. ‘I know it’s worse for you but—’
‘I know. And I am sorry. Really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘No, you shouldn’t, Eliza, we’ve got to stop being so hard on each other. It isn’t helping.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I know. But I feel you don’t even like me any more. I don’t know what I’ve done.’
‘You’ve shut me out,’ he said. ‘You’re so bloody hostile …’
‘Matt it’s not me being hostile, it’s you. I just want—’
‘What?’
‘For things to be better again. Oh, we’ve had this conversation too many times.’
‘Probably.’
She walked up to him, stood very close. He looked down at her, his expression blank.
‘Please,’ she said, ‘please, Matt. Let’s not give up.’
He didn’t answer, just kissed her rather perfunctorily and walked out of the room.
That night, he wanted to have sex with her; wearily, she gave in. He could sense her reluctance. Afterwards, he turned away from her and sighed, a deep, heavy sigh.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, after a moment. ‘So sorry, Matt. I just can’t – don’t—’
‘Want me any more?’
She hesitated.
‘Not just now, no. I can’t help it. Mrs Miller says it’s quite natural, it’s—’
‘You’ve been discussing our sex life with that bloody shrink?’ he said. ‘Well, that’s great. Marvellous. All I need.’
‘Matt, I tell her everything. It’s important in the whole process. How I feel about myself, my life, how I feel about Emmie—’
‘What do you mean, how you feel about Emmie? Why should that need talking about?’
Eliza felt a pang of fear. That had been unwise … ‘Well – it’s hard to explain,’ she said carefully, ‘and it’s fine now, but being so unhappy, so exhausted, I felt I was failing her as well as everybody else. And she is so demanding, you must admit.’
‘She seems like a normal little girl to me. And your life, what’s wrong with that, I thought you were feeling better since you’ve been taking those pills. Because – oh, let’s stop this. I can’t cope with any more.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Downstairs, to do some work. It’s a bit more rewarding than making love to a limp fish.’
‘I hate you,’ said Eiza.
‘That’s fairly obvious,’ he said and went out, slamming the door.
In the morning they made up.
Uncomfortably, uneasily, but it was better than not doing so.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, coming first with it as always, ‘so sorry. I’m trying very hard. And I’m sorry about the sex specially. And sorry, that you don’t like me telling Mrs Miller. But – I feel I have to tell her everything, otherwise it doesn’t – doesn’t all work together properly. I’m sure in time it’ll all be fine again. I just feel so – so – unsexy.’
‘I can tell,’ he said and managed a grin. ‘I suppose I’m a bit – jealous. That you can talk to her and not to me. Never mind the subject matter.’
‘But we have been talking. More. Haven’t we?’
‘I suppose so,’ he said and sighed. ‘I’ll hang around a bit longer.’
‘Please, please do.’
‘And it seems we must both try a bit harder.’
‘Yes. Yes. We must.’
‘So, I’ll let you go to Mil
an to stay with your terribly busy friend—’
‘Matt!’ she said. ‘You’ll let me go to Milan, indeed! You’re a feminist’s nightmare.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘Now go and get my pipe and slippers, and look sharp about it.’
Eliza did something she’d thought she would never do again: she giggled.
Mariella said a visit early in December would be excellent.
‘And it is the beginning of our social season, as you know.’
‘I do know. That’s wonderful. Thank you, Mariella.’
And then Mariella called Timothy Fordyce at KPD Milan, and suggested he and his wife join her and Giovanni in their box at La Scala. ‘Callas is singing Traviata, it should be very beautiful.’
‘Wonderful, thank you, but in that case, let us do dinner. Oh – no, that won’t do, it’s the week Jeremy Northcott is here.’
There was a silence; and then, ‘Well, he must come with you,’ said Mariella, her voice a soft, sweet coo. ‘That would be truly delightful.’
Perhaps she could teach Matt a lesson …
‘My dear, you look wonderful. Truly wonderful.’ Lily Berenson smiled at Scarlett, kissed her fondly.
‘Thank you. You look pretty good too, Mrs Berenson.’
‘Yes, I suppose I’m fairly well. Of course this wretched business with David has taken its toll. I feel so angry with her.’
‘With Gaby?’
‘Well yes, dear. David would have been prepared to struggle on, try again, for the sake of the children—’
‘Oh really?’
‘Yes. He’s always put his family first. But Gaby has proved herself very selfish. There is another man, as I suspected, even though she has no intention of actually setting up house with him. She will have the children, she is a very good mother, if nothing else, and David couldn’t possibly cope with them. He’s away such a lot. She told me she puts a lot of blame for the marriage break-up down to that. I was very shocked.’
‘Really?’
‘Of course. I did point out to her that the extremely comfortable standard of living she has always enjoyed was down to David and his hard work, but she couldn’t see it.’
No longer a darling girl, Scarlett thought; how swiftly things had changed for Gaby. Poor Gaby. She could have told her a thing or two about David and the unselfishness of his absences …
The Decision Page 47