“Just do it!” shouts The Principal, finally giving up his attempt to get out from under the missile launcher, which you should never do. You should never give up. Especially when you’re stuck under something. You should just keep struggling and struggling until you die.
“Right,” I say. “Okay. I’m going to shoot you now.” I pull the trigger again. Nothing happens again. I curse for a while. Then I click off the safety.
“You’re shooting me out of principle,” says The Principal, waving his hand in a circular motion like, get on with it. “Right,” I say. I pull the trigger.
When it’s done, Sweetie stands beside me. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “I know that was difficult for you, Man.”
“Because of the gun?” I say. “Yeah. Stupid things. I mean, they’re awesome, but . . .”
Sweetie Honey and I leave the ruined high school. Immediately, I start trying to figure out how to change Baby Doll15 back from a zombie to a living human being so I can tell her I love her, even though it means losing all my trillions. I know I’m going to hear it’s impossible—it can’t possibly work—but I’m going to do it anyway. I’ve got an idea about where to begin.
“Don’t even think about it,” says Sweetie. The idea involves kicking Sweetie in the testicles. Centaur111 told me that if I ever need to contact him, I should kick someone in the testicles. Centaur111 finds people getting kicked in the testicles hilarious and he always shows up, magically, just in time to see it. There’s a thirty-something zombie wearing jeans and a ripped T-shirt ambling around nearby. He’s got a receding hairline and a pair of broken glasses. I hurry over to him and kick him in the groin as hard as I can. Right as I’m pulling my leg back, Centaur111 appears. His eyes and mouth are wide open, expectantly. The thirty-something zombie doubles over and falls to the ground, groaning, as soon as I kick him. He was groaning before I kicked him so that’s not really a change. I don’t know why I mention it. Centaur111 howls with laughter.
“Hey, Centaur111, I need your help,” I say. “What’s up?” he says, wiping a tear from his eye. “I fell in love with a girl and I’m willing to give up my unimaginable wealth to tell her I love her, but she just became a zombie and I need to find a way to turn her back into a living human being. Can you help me?”
Centaur111 puts his hand on his chin and strokes it. “This was long-prophesied,” he says.
“Really?” I say.
“No,” says Centaur111. “I say ‘long-prophesied’ because it inspires more confidence. In truth, we only received the prophesy a short time ago. But, I contend, a prophecy is a prophecy no matter when it’s received. In fact, ‘recent’ prophesies about ‘near-future’ events are surely more valuable than ‘old’ prophesies about events that ‘might not happen’ in our lifetime.”
“That’s true,” I say.
“You’re actually the one who made the prophesy, Guy Boy Man,” says Centaur111. “In the future, you will travel back to the past, to Fairyland, to predict the future, which will really be more like telling what’s happened to you lately.”
Sometimes I forget I’m a prophet. Following a bunch of unnervingly accurate predictions, mostly about the outcome of cock fights, I had to relinquish my amateur “phet” status and was forced to turn pro. “Tell me how to change Baby Doll15 back into a living girl,” I say.
“You’re asking if there’s a cure for ‘the Strain’?” says Centaur111. “You want to know if there’s some way to reverse the effects of the virus that infects most people and turns them into zombies?”
“Yes,” I say.
“No,” he says. “There isn’t. But don’t let that discourage you. You, in your role as the Self-Appointed One, are destined to change all that. You’re fated to find the cure. You told us this when you came back from the future.”
Centaur111 comes closer to me. “You remember when I gave you access to your fortune and I made you promise never to tell a girl you love her or else you’d lose all your wealth?”
“Yeah,” I say. “That’s what started all this trouble. If I could have just told Baby I love her, Sweetie never could have caused so much damage with that note.”
“Well, it was actually your idea to tie the money to the promise to never tell a girl you love her.”
“I made myself promise that?” I say, frowning.
“Yes,” says Centaur111.
“Why?”
“You wanted to be really sure you loved her before you told her so.”
“So I won’t really lose my money when I tell Baby Doll15 I love her?” I ask.
“No,” says Centaur111.
“Baby Doll15 became a zombie for nothing!” I say. I’m so angry with myself, for putting my money ahead of her. For sleeping with Sweetie’s mom to get back at Sweetie and her. Will Baby Doll15 ever forgive me? “Did I tell you, in the future, how I’m going to find the cure for the Strain?”
“No,” says Centaur111.
“God,” I say. “I seem to have told you everything but.”
“As you know from the series of exciting adventures you can’t be bothered to relate here, there’s a revolutionary faction of supernatural creatures in Fairyland intent on overthrowing the tyranny of the zombies and the shadowy figures that control them. We have a number of ideas about how to take the zombies down, but the idea we’re most optimistic about is finding a zombie that hates being a zombie and manipulating him or her to learn who wields the real power in the zombie world. Obviously, once we find a zombie that hates being a zombie, he or she will be an excellent candidate for testing different ways of undoing the zombie virus. But we can’t do any of this without your help, Guy Boy Man.”
“You’re talking about, like, financial help?” I ask, skeptically.
“We need you, Guy Boy Man,” says Centaur111.
“You need, like, a few thousand dollars maybe?” I suggest, hopefully.
“Will you join us?”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get Baby Doll15 back,” I say. And I mean it. I love her. I’d do anything.
“Then you and your ninja friend should accompany me to Fairyland where we’ll begin laying the trap for a zombie that hates being a zombie.”
TO BE CONTINUED IN ZOMBIE VERSUS FAIRY FEATURING ALBINOS
aCKNoWleDGemeNTs
The author wishes to thank his agent, Liza Dawson, of Liza Dawson Associates Literary Agency, New York, for her insight, guidance, and support; Hannah Bowman for being right, Judith Engracia and Victoria Horn for always getting it done, and everyone at Liza Dawson Associates Literary Agency; Fernanda Viveiros for recommending ChiZine Publications; Erik Mohr for the amazing cover image; Laura Marshall for her great marketing ideas and help; Samantha Beiko for proofreading, doing the layout, and more; everyone at ChiZine Publications, especially copublishers Brett Savory and Sandra Kasturi for pouring their hard work, time, and resources into Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies, thereby helping the author realize a dream: seeing it published. The author also wishes to express his gratitude to his friends and family.
The BC Arts Council and the Canada Council for the Arts provided assistance in bringing this project to fruition. Their help is deeply appreciated.
aBoUT The aUThor
James Marshall’s short fiction has appeared in numerous Canadian literary magazines: PRISM International, The Malahat Review, Exile, The Literary Quarterly, and Prairie Fire. One of his stories was nominated for the National Magazine Award for fiction, the M&S Journey Prize, and it was a finalist in the 22nd Annual Western Magazine Awards, 2004. A collection of his short stories, Let’s Not Let a Little Thing Like the End of the World Come Between Us, was published by Thistledown Press in 2004, and it was shortlisted for both the 2005 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize (Caribbean and Canada Region) in the ‘Best First Book’ category, and the ReLit Award for short fiction. James lives and writes in BC.
Table of Contents
Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies
PROLOGUE:
CHAPTER ONE:
aside from her Big Breasts, Pale Blue lips, Child-Bearing hips,Baby-Powder-White skin,Cotton-Candy-Pink-hair, and The Unicorn That follows her everywhere, Baby Doll15 seems like Just a regular fifteen-year-old Girl
CHAPTER TWO:
enter sweetie honey; Not literally; okay, literally, But Not like That
CHAPTER THREE:
she has a Tongue-Piercing But That Doesn’t mean anything
CHAPTER FOUR:
i’m really Wasted right Now
CHAPTER FIVE:
There’s a Table on a hill in The Cemetery
CHAPTER SIX:
The living and The Dead
CHAPTER SEVEN:
When You Get attacked By a Pack of ravenous Wolves, at least You’ve Got a Chance
CHAPTER EIGHT:
hurting People is hilarious
CHAPTER NINE:
The Ultimate symbol of Your Wealth, Power, and Your love of Jesus
CHAPTER TEN:
Nobody Can ever Get me
CHAPTER ELEVEN:
satin, silk, and lace
CHAPTER TWELVE:
Watching Them make out makes me Want To Puke Copious amounts of Puke!
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Plants are animals Too!
CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Ninjas Can’t Be Nice all The Time
CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
how have You Whores failed me?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN:
i Believe Ninjas are Beneath me!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:
farm-raised People
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:
The Ninja agency
CHAPTER NINETEEN:
i Don’t Need an appointment Because i’m a Ninja
aCKNoWleDGemeNTs
aBoUT The aUThor
Ninja Versus Pirate Featuring Zombies Page 19