"Well, you won't be holding Charity like you used to either, if you get caught. You need coffee. Promise you'll stay right here while I go brew some."
He nodded and closed his eyes. Faith watched him for a moment, her heart aching in her chest, then slipped back inside to get the coffee.
He was asleep when she returned, so she sat on the swing for a moment, the cup steaming in her hand. He looked like such a little boy, so innocent in sleep, his eyes fringed with the longest lashes she had ever seen. Her heart skipped a beat as she stared at him, and her breath accelerated as it always did when he was near. Never had she seen a more handsome man than Collin McGuire. He was well-suited for her sister.
Slowly, Faith stood and shook his arm. He mumbled something indistinguishable and opened his eyes to stare blankly at her.
She held out the coffee. "Collin, take the coffee and drink it, please."
He stirred, recognition dawning on his face. He gave her a drowsy smile. "Faith ..." His eyes widened as his memory kicked in. "Uh-oh. I didn't wake anybody, did I?" He tried to sit up, then slumped back in the swing, his hand flying to his head. "Sweet blazes, my head hurts!" He peered up from under those sweeping lashes. "Did ya say something 'bout coffee?"
She handed it to him, and he took it, his hands shaking as he bent to drink it. When he drained the cup, he handed it back to her. "Thanks. Got any more? I think I could use it."
She nodded and started for the door, turning as he reached out to touch her arm. "Faith ... will ya stay up and talk with me a while? I really need to talk."
She looked at his handsome face in the moonlight and could think of nothing she'd rather do. He saw her nod, then dropped his grasp on her arm. Reclining once again, he closed his eyes.
She woke him again when she returned with the second cup. He took the coffee and drank it, slower this time, eyes staring ahead into the moonlit yard. She settled beside him, content, waiting for him to speak.
"So you and Danny-more than friends now?" He took another sip, his gaze shifting from the yard to the sky studded with stars.
"Just exactly how much did you hear?" she wanted to know, her voice chafing.
Collin turned and attempted a grin, then was caught off guard at just how pretty she looked with the glow of moonlight in her face. He averted his gaze, gulping his coffee instead of sipping. "Don't be mad-I didn't mean to spy. I thought for sure your good night would be brief." He glanced at her again. "I know how committed you are to ... keeping it brief."
Even in the moonlight, he could see her blush, and his heart began to race. "Do you love him?" His question was barely audible.
She thought about it awhile before answering. "No, I don't think so, at least not yet. I mean, I really care about him. He's a very good friend who is suddenly becoming, well, more than a friend." She wrinkled her nose and smiled. "I suppose time will tell. So, Collin, what's bothering you enough to risk my father throwing you out on your ear?"
He took a deep breath and set the empty cup down on the porch. He pressed forward with his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together to rest his chin. His eyes stared straight ahead and his voice was quiet. "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."
"What are you talking about?"
"Marrying Charity-I'm just not sure."
Her lips parted, and he heard the soft intake of air in her throat.
"She deserves better, Faith," he continued. He buried his face in his hands.
Silence hung in the air. He heard her breathe in deeply several times. The gentle touch of her hand on his shoulder startled him. "What makes you say that, Collin? Charity loves you more than anything in the world. As far as she's concerned, there is no 'better' than you."
He exhaled slowly and leaned back in the swing, rubbing his eye with his thumb. "I cheated on her tonight, Faith."
He risked a glance at her and winced as she shrank back with her hand to her mouth. She sat there as if unable to move or speak. He continued on. "I never meant to, but I was drinking. And the pub was filled with pretty women who were drinking. One thing led to another ..." His voice trailed off as he massaged his eyes with his hands. "Faith, I've done this so many times before, but I've never felt like this-sick inside, ashamed. Something's different. Suddenly I got a conscience, and I don't know what to do with it. Even though I've been committed to Charity for over six months now, and others before her, I've always had trouble saying no to a pretty face."
The shock in her face jarred him. He looked away. "I'm not proud of it, Faith, but it's part of who I am. Call it my own sordid quest for love, if you want. Whatever the motivation, it's never bothered me before. And then your family takes me in, I get engaged to your sister, and everything's different. For one moment, I step back into the old life of Collin McGuire, and suddenly I feel like a stranger."
He turned to her. "Faith, I don't know what's happening, but I don't ever want to do it again, so help me God ..." He stopped when her eyes widened at his choice of words. He gave her a wary look. "Oh no. You're not going to tell me you've been praying for me, are you?"
She nodded.
He dropped against the swing and chuckled quietly. "Well, I'll be." He rubbed his jaw with the side of his hand. Leaning forward, he buried his face in his hands again. "While you're praying, Faith, pray I'll be a good husband to her, will you? Your family is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'd hate to be a disappointment."
"I will, Collin. But you know, you can pray to him yourself. He would like that."
He glanced at her sideways. "You would too, wouldn't you?"
"It would thrill me to no end."
He smiled and lifted his hand to stroke her cheek. She shivered. "You cold?" He raised his arm to extend it around her shoulders.
She shook her head, moving away. "What are you planning to do about Charity? Are you going to tell her?"
He sank back, exhaling slowly. "I'm not sure. It's so strange. All of a sudden, I have this horrible urge to be honest." He glanced at her. "Why, what do you think I should do?"
"Well, normally I'm a great advocate of honesty, but I think maybe in this case, saying nothing would be best. Did you mean it when you said you never wanted to, you know ..."
"Cheat on her?" He finished her sentence, and she nodded. He smiled. "Yeah, I did. I think I found out tonight that when you're committed to someone, cheating on them is a lot like getting drunk-it's easy to do but hurts like the devil in the morning."
"Then, if you really mean that, let it go. It would only crush her needlessly. And not confessing means there's only one whose forgiveness you need. Why make it two?"
"Two? Who else?"
It was Faith's turn to look confused. "Why, God's, of course! Don't you go to confession?"
Collin laughed out loud. "What, you think because I was raised Catholic and go to mass with your family every week, it's a given I go to confession? What makes you think I even need to go? I don't feel I've done anything wrong."
"Oh, and you're proud of what you did tonight, I suppose?"
"No, I'm not particularly proud of what I did tonight, but I'm not ashamed of being a man, either. I have needs, and I know how to satisfy them. It's as simple as that. As far as I'm concerned, I'm doing what comes naturally, and I don't see anything wrong in that. At least, I didn't until tonight."
"Then doesn't that convince you it's wrong? Don't you understand that's why you have the sick feeling, the regret?"
"Maybe ... but I'd rather not think about it in terms of hellfire and damnation like you do." His tone was nonchalant, which caused her to bristle. "That's the biggest problem between you and me, Faith. You see what I did tonight as sin, and you want me to grovel before God to obtain his forgiveness. I see it as simply living my life on my own terms, then wiping the slate clean when I've made a mistake."
"You mean sinned!" Her eyes blazed, but he only shook his head and laughed. "Don't you see, Collin, you're not wiping anything clean. Your 'slate,' as you call it
, is black with 'mistakes'-closing your eyes to them doesn't make them go away. How can you ever know how to do the right thing in life if you can't even acknowledge the wrong? You want me to pray you'll be a good husband to my sister. Well, which good husband do you want me to pray forthe one according to Collin McGuire, or the one according to God? You can't have both."
Her words pricked him, and he stiffened.
"You want to be a good man, Collin, I can feel it. But the thing you don't realize is you can't be good without God. We're all sinners; the Bible says so. And I know firsthand that I am. You may want to be a good husband to my sister, and you may qualify that as one who doesn't cheat on her. But you're a human being, Collin, a sinner like the rest of us. One day, you may again do what comes 'naturally.' And when you do, your hopes for being a good husband will be dashed-along with your marriage."
Faith felt the charge of adrenaline flooding her veins as he glared, but she probed the depths of his gray eyes and knew he was finally hearing her words. Her heart felt light, full of hope, and she prayed God would pierce his with the truth. His gaze shifted away as he appeared to wrestle with the words she'd spoken. After a while, he nodded and hunched forward on the swing, head hanging as he stared at the floor.
"So, what do I do?" he asked gruffly.
She turned and grabbed his hands, almost breathless with joy. "Oh, Collin, I can pray with you! For God to come into your heart, into your life. To make you the man he wants you to be and the husband you want to be for Charity."
He studied her, not saying a word, and she could tell he was struggling inside. Silently, she prayed God would help him to make the right choice. He looked away again, pulling his hands out of hers. Moments passed before he answered. When he did, his voice was sober and low. "Do it," he said, so quietly she was afraid she hadn't heard right.
"You'll let me pray with you?"
"Yeah." He put his hands back into hers.
She was shaking. "Oh, Lord, thank you so much for this man before me. I know you love him. You've always loved him. He hasn't acknowledged you, Lord, because he's been hurt. But he wants the happiness you have for him, and I think he knows now you're the only way to get it. Help him, Lord. Help him to turn his life over to you, to be the man you want him to be and the husband Charity needs. In Jesus's name. Amen."
She opened her eyes. He was staring at her with a strange look and a faint smile. He squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Faith. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually feel better. I guess we'll see how much this God of yours listens to your prayers." The smile faded. His eyes became serious. "And, Faith, thanks for staying up ... for being here." He bent to kiss her cheek.
The moment his lips touched her skin, a tingle of heat shot through her, causing her to gasp.
He stiffened at the sound and searched her face in the moonlight. "Faith?"
She dropped her gaze and backed away, her pulse skyrocketing. Why is this happening again? She was over him, wasn't she? He wasn't supposed to be able to make her heart race like this. Dear God, please-tell me I'm over him! He lifted her chin with his finger, then his lips parted in surprise as if he could read her thoughts. She saw the look in his eyes and tried to escape. "Collin, no ..."
He heard her words, she was certain, but they didn't seem to register as his lips tasted hers. A shock wave of heat rippled through her. All restraint apparently gone, he pulled her to him, his touch gentle and urgent at the same time. She melted into his embrace as if she belonged there, her lips responding with a hunger that jarred her.
"Oh, Faith, I love you. I can't help it, I do." His words tumbled out in a rush of husky rasps, between hungry kisses roaming the softness of her neck and her face. His hands pressed hard against her back, drawing her to him.
She wrenched herself from his grasp and stumbled from the swing, limbs quivering as she stood. "Collin, we can't!" she gasped, but the intensity in his face told her he wasn't listening. He rose and caressed her shoulders with his hands, eyes burning into hers until she thought she would faint. He bent to kiss her again. A riptide of heat swelled, causing her to moan as he pulled her back to the swing.
The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptation.
Lord, deliver me!
He seemed crazed with desire, breathing words of love in her ear as he kissed her. Neither heard the sound of the door as it quietly opened. But both heard a muffled scream.
As if in shock, Charity stood before them, barefoot and shivering, watching the man she loved ... loving her sister.
Collin jumped to his feet, his face ashen. "Charity, no!" he moaned, standing there helpless.
Charity looked at Collin, tears coursing her face in the moonlight. "How could you, Collin? My own sister! How could you do that to me?" She sobbed, and he grabbed her and tried to restrain her as she struggled against him.
Faith felt dizzy as she stood. When she spoke, her voice was a lifeless whisper. "Charity, it was a mistake, a horrible mistake. Collin came looking for you ... he wanted you. But he was drunk, and I was afraid Father would find him. So I gave him coffee and I ... I stayed. I shouldn't have, but I did. We were just talking and ... I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
Her sister was weeping so loudly, Faith wasn't sure she had even heard her. Collin clutched Charity tightly and pressed his face against her hair, pleading his repentance. As he spoke, his eyes met Faith's, and pain splintered through her.
Nausea lodged in her throat, closing off her air. Turning away, she quietly slipped inside, leaving the only man she ever wanted where she knew he belonged-in the arms of her sister.
Collin wondered what time it was, but he dared not risk a glance at his watch. Charity was finally calmer now; the tears had subsided for a while, even though she hadn't spoken a word since she'd found him with Faith.
Faith. The mere thought of her brought a rush of sadness and pain unlike any he'd ever felt before. He had told her he loved her. Was it true? Or had it only been the heat of passion? Collin thought about this woman who was as passionate with him as she was fierce in her devotion to her God, and he suspected in his heart it was probably true. She stirred his mind, his body, and now his soul more than any woman ever had, and there was no turning back, no fighting it any longer. God, what am Igoing to do? The irony of his invoking God's name suddenly hit him square in the chest. All the times he had carelessly uttered it had been more as an epithet of profanity than a prayer. Now he was faced with one of the most difficult situations of his life, and he wondered if it hadn't been more of a cry for help through years of loneliness.
He thought about Faith praying for him. She didn't fight fair, that woman. He had wanted no part of her God or the control she exercised over his heart. He tried to fight her, but armed with her faith and her prayer, she managed to win anyway, getting him to invoke the very God who kept them apart. He wondered if the prayer she had spoken on his behalf would truly have any effect. He had felt peace at the time, but now he wasn't so sure. Pretty words, but could they change his heart? Apparently not, judging from the pain he'd caused-both to the woman in his arms now and the one who'd been there not long before.
Charity began to stir, and Collin gently lifted her face to his. He felt a stab in his chest as he looked at her tearstained cheeks and haunted eyes. "Charity, I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me. I've betrayed your trust, and to me, that's unforgivable. I don't know how it all happened, but one thing I do know is that I never meant to hurt you. I hope you believe that."
Charity nodded, her head languishing against his chest. He could feel her shivering, so he tugged her close.
"Charity, I swear-I came here tonight only to see you. But I was drunk and Faith just got home, so she tried to sober me up. You have to believe me-I had no intention of it ending up the way it did." He dragged a hand through his hair, his words coming out too fast. "I mean, you know Faith ... what a fanatic she can be. One minute she's telling me about God and praying for me, and the next ..."
&nb
sp; "Collin? Do you ... do you have feelings for Faith?" She sounded scared.
Collin was tempted to lie. He swallowed hard. "Yes ... I do." He could feel her stiffen in his arms before she cringed back, eyes stunned and angry.
"How? When?"
Even in the moonlight he could see how white she was. He shook his head, not knowing how to explain it to himself, much less to her.
"Was it her? I know she's always been crazy for you. Did she provoke it?" There was a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"No, Charity, she didn't-ever. It was me."
He could see the tears welling, and he hated himself for the pain he caused.
"Why?" she whispered.
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I don't know, Charity, I really don't. It just happened. I've been fighting the feelings for months now, but apparently to no avail."
She slumped back against the swing at the sound of his words. She closed her eyes tightly as if to block it all out. When she spoke, her voice was almost calm. "Do you love her?"
"I don't know."
"Do you love me?"
Her eyes were still closed, and he looked at her, thinking for the thousandth time she was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Did he love her? "I don't know," he whispered, and he thought he saw her wince.
"What are you going to do?" she continued.
"I don't know."
Her eyelids flew open, and she leaned forward, eyes flashing. "Well, then, what the devil do you know, Collin?"
He blinked. The old Collin had always loved the wild streak in Charity-was that Collin still around or had Faith changed him forever? "I know you're beautiful, more beautiful than any woman I know."
"Is that enough?"
"I don't think so." His voice was quiet.
Never missing a beat, she laid her hand on his thigh. "Is this?"
Heat shot through him at her touch, and he caught his breath. "Charity, I need time. I'm confused. This will only make things worse."
A Passion Most Pure (Daughters of Boston, Book 1) Page 18