—Helen. Helen.
A voice was screaming, but no call came in answer. The room seemed filled with a white mist that pressed heavily against her eyes. She left the bed and opened the door. A vast, deep silence lay on the house, a silence which seemed to hold in it the inaudible hum of a tremendous machine. She moved to the top of the stairs and sat on the first step. From here she could see into the living room. They were down there, on the couch. She leaned against the banister and watched, listening in awe to the strange sounds, the terrifying sounds. There was a faint warm smell, like the smell of blood and bones. She fled into the bathroom, and there she was sick. When the nausea passed she lowered herself to the floor and leaned her face against the cool enamel of the bath. She wept.
There were footsteps on the stairs, the sound of a door opening quietly, more steps, a voice.
Julie. What are you doing here?
Crying out, she opened her eyes, then turned away her face. Helen ran her fingers through her unruly air, and looked down helplessly at the girl huddled before her in terror. She reached down, and taking her under the arms lifted her to her feet.
—Julie, what is the matter with you?
—Has he gone?
—What? Are you hurt? Take your hands away and let me look at you. You haven’t taken anything, have you?
Julie, her fingers pressing her eyes, began to moan. Helen pulled open the door of the cabinet above the handbasin and checked swiftly through the bottles there. She said in exasperation:
—This will have to stop, Julie. You’re behaving like a child. You are looking for attention. Are you listening to me?
But Julie went on moaning. She sat on the edge of the bath now, her shoulders trembling. Helen threw up her hands and groaned at the ceiling.
—You’re impossible, she cried, and left the room. Down the stairs Julie’s cries followed her.
—You hate me! You hate me! You want to see me dead!
Helen went to the window and with trembling fingers lit a cheroot. This would have to stop.
She crushed out the cheroot with a savage twist of her fingers and went into the empty room where their cases were stored. Gasping with the effort she hauled them out and piled them on the couch. Julie came down the stairs, and Helen worked steadily on, pretending not to notice her.
—Don’t leave me, Helen, she said mournfully.
Helen paused, but did not turn. She said:
—We have to leave today, Julie.
—I know.
—And then you’re going away. You decided, didn’t you?
—You decided. You did. I decided nothing. It was you!
Helen beat her fists on the battered case before her, then ran a hand over her forehead, her mouth.
—O Julie Julie Julie.
She turned, and they looked at each other. Julie lowered her eyes and pulled in the corners of her mouth. She touched the cases piled before her, her face betraying an ill-controlled, frantic incomprehension of these square, heavy things. Helen said gently:
—We’re leaving today, Julie. You haven’t forgotten. It’s what you want. You want to leave here, don’t you? The summer is over.
Julie nodded dumbly, and stepped back from the couch. She lifted her hands and opened her mouth to speak, then turned away in silence. As she went to the door Helen watched her, and shook her head.
Julie stood in the doorway and looked out across the sound. The brittle autumn sunlight danced on the water and the far islands seemed to shift and tremble in their distance. Helen came behind her and touched the down on her neck. Julie started, and as though the touch had sprung some hidden switch she began to speak tonelessly.
—I want to get married. I want to have a baby.
—Of course you do.
—My mother worries about me. She asks what are my plans. What can I tell her? And I’m weak. I feel sorry for her. I want to tell her I’ve found someone. That everything is all right. That everything is … all right.
She sighed, and turned back to the room. With her hands against the door frame she halted. Helen spoke to her, but she was not listening. A bird called to her across the reaches of the sea. Helen took Julie’s face in her hands, and covered her ears with her palms, and in this new silence Julie seemed to hear vaguely someone screaming, a ghost voice familiar yet distant, as though it were coming from beyond the frontiers of sleep.
Nightwind
He shuffled down the corridor, trying the handles of the blind white doors. From one room there came sounds, a cry, a soft phrase of laughter, and in the silence they seemed a glimpse of the closed, secret worlds he would never enter. He leaned against the wall and held his face in his hands. There were revels below, savage music and the clatter of glasses, and outside in the night a wild wind was blowing.
Two figures came up from the stairs and started toward him. One went unsteadily on long, elegantly tailored legs, giggling helplessly. The other leaned on his supporting elbow a pale tapering arm, one hand pressed to her bare collarbone.
—Why Morris, what is it?
They stood and gazed at him foolishly, ripples of laughter still twitching their mouths. He pushed himself away from the wall, and hitched up his trousers. He said:
—’S nothing. Too much drink. That you David?
The woman took a tiny step away from them and began to pick at her disintegrating hairdo. David licked the point of his upper lip and said:
—Listen Mor, are you all right? Mor.
—Looking for my wife, said Mor.
Suddenly the woman gave a squeal of laughter, and the two men turned to look at her.
—I thought of something funny, she said simply, and covered her mouth. Mor stared at her, his eyebrows moving. He grinned and said:
—I thought you were Liza.
The woman snickered, and David whispered in his ear:
—That’s not Liza. That’s … what is your name anyway?
—Jean, she said, and glared at him. He giggled and took her by the arm.
—Jean, I want you to meet Mor. You should know your host, after all.
The woman said:
—I wouldn’t be a Liza if you paid me.
—Mother of God, said Mor, a bubble bursting on his lips.
David frowned at her for shame and said:
—You must be nice to Mor. He’s famous.
—Never heard of him.
—You see, Mor? She never heard of you. Your own guest and she never heard of you. What to you think of that?
—Balls, said Mor.
—O now. Why are you angry? Is it because of what they are all saying? Nobody listens to that kind of talk. You know that. We’re all friends here, aren’t we, Liza—
—Jean.
—And this is a grand party you’re throwing here, Mor, but no one listens to talk. We know your success is nothing to do with … matrimonial graft.
On the last words the corner of David’s mouth moved as a tight nerve uncoiled. Mor looked at him with weary eyes, then walked away from them and turned down the stairs. David called after him:
—Where are you going, man?
But Mor was gone.
—Well, said the woman. Poor Mor is turning into quite a wreck. These days he even has to pretend he’s drunk.
David said nothing, but stared at the spot where Mor had disappeared. The woman laughed, and taking his arm she pressed it against her side and said:
—Let’s go somewhere quiet.
—Shut your mouth, David told her.
Downstairs Mor wandered through the rooms. The party was ending, and most of the guests had left. In the hall a tiny fat man leaned against the wall, his mouth open and his eyes closed. A tall girl with large teeth, his daughter, was punching his shoulder and yelling something in his ear. She turned to Mor for help, and he patted her arm absently and went on into the drawing room. There in the soft light a couple were dancing slowly, while others sat about in silence, looking at their hands. In the corner a woman in a
white dress stood alone, a little uncertain, clutching an empty glass. She watched his unsteady progress toward her.
—There you are, he said, and grinning he touched the frail white stuff of her gown. She said nothing, and he sighed.
—All right, Liza, so I’m drunk. So what?
—So nothing. I said nothing. Your tie is crooked.
His hands went to the limp black bow at his neck, and went away again.
—It’s coming apart, he said. The knot is coming apart.
—Yes.
He held her eyes for a moment, and looked away. He said:
—You have a sobering effect, Liza. How do you live with yourself?
—You always pretend to be drunker than you are and then you blame me. That’s all.
—You know, I met a woman upstairs and thought it was you. She was laughing and I thought it was you. Imagine.
He put his hands into the pockets of his jacket and looked at the room. The couple had stopped dancing, and were standing motionless now in the middle of the floor, their arms around each other as though they had forgotten to disentangle them. Mor said:
—What are they waiting for? Why don’t they go home?
—You hate them, Liza said. Don’t you?
—Who?
—All of them. All these people — our friends.
He looked at her, his eyebrows lifted.
—No. I’m sorry for them — for us. Look at it. The new Ireland. Sitting around at the end of a party wondering why we’re not happy. Trying to find what it is we’ve lost.
—O Mor, don’t start all that.
He smiled at her, and murmured:
—No.
David put his head around the door, and when he saw them he smiled and shot at them with a finger and thumb. He crossed the room with exaggerated stealth, looking over his shoulder at imaginary pursuers. He stopped near them and asked from the corner of his mouth:
—They get him yet?
—Who? said Liza, smiling at his performance.
Mor frowned at him, and shook his head, but David pretended not to notice.
—Why, your murderer, of course.
Liza’s mouth fell open, the glass shook in her hand, and then was still. David went on:
—You mean you didn’t know about it? O come on now, Liza, I thought you and Mor had arranged it. You know —we’ve got everything at our party including a murderer loose in the grounds with the cops chasing him. You didn’t know, Liza?
—Shut up, David.
—O excuse me, said David, grinning, and coughed behind his hand. Liza turned to him.
—David, what is this joke all about? Seriously now.
—Well Liz, it’s no joke. Some tinker stabbed his girlfriend six times in the heart tonight. The guards had him cornered here when the rain came on. The way I heard it they left some green recruit to watch for him while they all trooped back to Celbridge for their raincoats. Anyway, they say he’s somewhere in the grounds, but knowing the boys he’s probably in England by now. Come over to the window and you can see the lights. It’s all very exciting.
Liza took a drink and laid down her glass. She said quietly, without raising her head:
—Why didn’t you tell me, Mor?
—I forgot.
—You forgot.
—Yes. I forgot.
David looked from one of them to the other, grinning sardonically. He said:
—Perhaps, Liza, he didn’t want to frighten you?
Mor turned and looked at David, his lips a thin pale line.
—You have a loud mouth, David.
He moved away from them, then paused and said:
—And uncurl your lip when you talk to me. Or I might be tempted to wipe that sneer off your face.
The smile faded, and David said coldly:
—No offence meant, Mor.
—And none taken.
—Then why are you so angry?
Mor laughed, a short, cold sound.
—I haven’t been angry in years.
He stalked away, and in silence they watched him go. Then Liza laughed nervously and said:
—Take no notice of him, David. He’s a bit drunk. You know.
David shrugged his shoulders and smiled at her.
—I must go home.
In the hall Liza helped him into his coat. He said lightly:
—Why don’t you come over to the house and visit me some day? The old bachelor life gets very dreary.
She glanced at him with a small sly smile.
—For what? she asked.
He pursed his lips and turned to the door. With is hand on the lock he said stiffly:
—I’m … I’m very fond of you, Liza.
She laughed, and looked down at her dress in confusion.
—Of me? O you’re not.
—I am, Liza.
—You shouldn’t say things like that. Good night, David.
But neither moved. They stood and gazed at each other, and Liza’s breath quickened. She moved swiftly to the door and pulled it open, and a blast of wind came in to disturb the hall. She stepped out on the porch with him. The oaks were lashing their branches together, and they had voices that cried and groaned. Black rain was falling, and in the light from the door the lawn was a dark, ugly sea. She opened her mouth to speak, closed it, then turned away from him and said:
—Call me.
She stood very still and looked out at the darkness, and the damp wind lifted her hair. David moved to touch her, and dropped his hand. He said:
—I’ll call you tomorrow.
—No. Not tomorrow.
—When?
—I must go, David.
With her head bent she turned and hurried back along the hall.
All the guests had left the drawing room, and Mor sat alone in a high, winged chair, a glass in his hand and a bottle beside him on a low table. His tie had at last come undone, and his eyes were faintly glazed. Liza went to the couch and straightened a cushion. From the floor she gathered up a cigarette end and an overturned glass. He watched her, his chin on his breast. He said thickly:
—What’s wrong with you?
—Nothing. Have they all gone?
—I suppose so.
She went to the tall window beside his chair and drew back the curtains. The wind pounded the side of the house, and between gusts the rain whispered softly on the glass. Down past the black, invisible fields, little lights were moving. She said:
—I wonder why he killed her.
—They say he wanted to marry her and she wouldn’t have him. I think she was maybe a man-eater. A tart. He killed her. Happens every day, these days.
There was silence but for the wind and rain beating, and the faint sighing of the trees. Mor said:
—I suppose David made his usual pass?
She moved her shoulders, and he grinned up at her, showing his teeth. She said:
—He asked if … he asked me to go with him. Tonight. He asked would I go with him.
—Did he, now? And why didn’t you?
She did not answer. He poured himself another drink.
—I know how David’s mind works, he said. He thinks I don’t deserve you. He’s wrong, though — God help me.
—You have a nasty mind.
—Yes. Though he must have been encouraged when I took the job. That sent me down a little farther.
He looked at her where she stood in the shadows watching the night. He frowned and asked:
—Do you despise me too?
—For taking the job? Why should I? Are you ashamed?
—No, no. Your father is very good to do so much for me. Yes, I’m ashamed.
—Why?
—Don’t act, Liza.
—It was your decision. If you had kept on writing I would have stood by you. We would have managed. Daddy could have —
She bit her lip, and Mor laughed.
—Go on, he said. Daddy could have kept us. You’re right. Kind, generous daddy would have
come along with his money-bags to sour our lives. Where’s the use in talking. Me a writer? I’d be laughed out of the county. The bar in the Grosvenor Arms would collapse after a week of the laughing. Did you hear how mad Mor knocked up old man Fitz’s daughter and moved into the big house and now says he’s writing a book? Did you ever hear the likes? No, Liza. This place produced me and will destroy me if I try to break free. All this crowd understands is the price of a heifer and the size of the new car and the holiday in Spain and those godblasted dogs howling for blood. No.
She said quietly:
—If you hated these people so much, why did you marry into them?
—Because, Liza my dear, I didn’t know I was marrying into them.
There was a long silence, then Liza spoke:
—It wasn’t my fault he died, she said, sadly defiant.
Mor turned away from her in the chair and threw up his hands.
—Always, he said. Always it comes to your mind. Blaming me.
She did not speak, and he leaned towards her, whispering:
—Blaming me.
She joined her hands before her and sighed, holding her eyes fixed on the dark gleam of the glass before her. He said:
—Well why don’t you just trot along now after old David there. Sure maybe he can give you a better one. One that will live longer and make you happy.
She swung about to face him. Her eyes blazed, and she said:
—All right then, Mor, if you want a fight you’ll get one.
For a moment they stared at each other, and her anger went away. She turned back to the window.
—Well? Mor asked, and the word rang in the silence. She lifted her shoulders slowly, allowed them to fall. Mor nodded.
—Yes, he said. We’ve had it all before.
He stood up unsteadily, pressing his fingers on the arm of the chair for support. He went and stood beside her at the window. She said:
—They’re still searching. Look at the lights.
Side by side they stood and watched the tiny flashes move here and there in the dark. Suddenly she said:
Long Lankin: Stories Page 5