My Fairly Dangerous Godmother

by Janette Rallison

  “That’s it? It answers your questions? We already have that in my world. It’s called Google.”

  Chrissy gave me a look that made it clear I’d missed the point. “The internet can’t tell you what your enemies are planning or the secrets of breaking spells, and it certainly can’t tell you how to care for magical trees.”

  Voices interrupted us. Two people were coming from a hallway that connected to the grand entrance.

  “I’m sorry,” a female voice said, though there wasn’t any sign of sorrow in her words. They were spoken lightly, triumphantly almost.

  “I can’t stay here for days,” a guy said, irritated. “I’ve got to take care of my brother. I’ve got school assignments that are already overdue—and if my probation officer thinks I skipped out, he’ll pop a vein. Seriously, he’s an old dude. He’ll probably have a coronary.”

  School assignments? Probation officer? Those were modern things.

  Two people stepped into the room, both about my age. The girl wore a flowing green dress that showed off her shoulders and ruffled around her feet like trailing greenery. Her black hair was pinned up into a braided bun with green ribbons twisting around its folds. Her dark eyes were set, jewel-like, against flawless, pale skin. She moved with a grace and a bearing—not to mention a slight glow shining around her—that made me suspect she was a fairy.

  The teenage guy walking with her was tall with sandy blond hair and a two-day-old beard. He wore scruffy gray clothing, a crumpled felt hat, and dusty boots with gaps in the soles. A sheathed sword hung on his belt, along with a leather purse and a wooden cup.

  To say he wore the clothes well anyway seemed odd, but it was true. With his square jaw and blue eyes, he was attractive enough to make a girl look twice. Or three times. Not that I was counting.

  Chrissy took in the scene and let out a huff. “Jade Blossom. What a surprise to see you here.”

  The dark-haired fairy stopped short, and her mouth made an indignant O. “What are you doing here?”

  Chrissy squared her shoulders. “I’m here on official business.”

  “Official business?” One of Jade Blossom’s dark eyebrows rose. “What official business do you have in The Eleven Dancing Princesses story?”

  Chrissy casually tapped her wand against the side of her dress. “It’s The Twelve Dancing Princesses now.” She gestured to me. “Meet my client, Princess Sadie.”

  “Twelve princesses?” Jade Blossom let out a snort of disbelief. “You can’t send more girls to this story. I mean really, what family has twelve daughters? It just screams magical tampering. Mortals are bound to get suspicious.”

  “Wait . . .” My gaze ricocheted between the fairies. “Hasn’t the story always been about twelve dancing princesses?”

  Chrissy patted my arm reassuringly. “Of course it has. Don’t listen to her.” She turned to Jade Blossom and lowered her voice. “It’s not my fault. Being a princess is a popular wish.”

  Jade Blossom’s eyes narrowed into glittering slits. “You’re just after the goblet. Admit it.”

  Chrissy took a couple steps toward the guy, regarding him disdainfully. “And what are you doing here toting a mortal around?”

  Jade Blossom fluttered her hand in the guy’s direction making the jeweled bracelets on her wrists clink. “Donovan asked for wealth, power, and an invisibility cloak. What else could I do?”

  The guy—Donovan—had been studying Chrissy and I, measuring us every bit as carefully as we were measuring him. Now his attention turned back to Jade Blossom.

  “For starters, you could have left me in the twenty-first century. What good is being rich if you’re stuck someplace where you can’t buy anything?”

  He had an air of confidence about him, a careless swagger. I knew these types of people from school—guys who were effortlessly cool and spent their time mocking everyone else.

  “Where am I?” he asked, “and what is The Twelve Dancing Princesses?”

  He didn’t know the fairy tale. And I was glad. Instead of answering him, I turned to Chrissy. “He’s from my century and doesn’t know anything about the story. That means I’m not famous, which means this wish didn’t work and is null and void. Undo it and take me back home.” Granted, it was only a thin straw of a hope, but I was ready to grasp at anything,

  Chrissy waved her hand dismissively at Donovan. “You can’t expect one of Jade Blossom’s clients to know anything of importance or culture. He probably crawled out from the same rock she lives under. ”

  Jade Blossom glared daggers at Chrissy, then reached into a ruffled green bag at her waist and produced a white strip of paper. A magical boarding pass. Apparently he needed to make a bargain with a fairy too.

  I didn’t want to give up on the null and void angle so easily. “I’m not famous,” I insisted. “I’m some nameless character in a fairy tale that never made sense to begin with.”

  It was true after all. The story never said why the princesses secretly went dancing every night. It didn’t explain who the princes were or why they didn’t just ask the king for the princesses’ hands in marriage. It also didn’t give a reason the soldier followed the girls for three nights instead of ratting them out the first night like any sensible person would do.

  Chrissy was unmoved by my argument. “You’ll be in books, movies, and have a Barbie doll created in your likeness. That means you’re famous. You never asked for your name to be famous. However, if you want to get technical, I can pull a few strings in your father’s ancestral history so your last name will be Benz instead of Ramirez.

  And then my name would be Mercedes Benz. Like I hadn’t already heard enough car jokes. “No.” I held up a hand to stop her from swishing her wand and rearranging my ancestry. “Don’t do that.”

  Donovan finished reading the boarding pass and held it up between two fingers. “Hamilton, Ohio on the day I left.” He glanced around at the unchanging scenery, then turned to Jade Blossom. “Well, that didn’t work. What else you got?”

  Jade Blossom took the paper from his fingers. With a smile that verged on flirting, she tucked the boarding pass into his pocket. “Your pass isn’t activated yet. It will become magical as soon as you give me Queen Orlaith’s goblet.” She pulled another paper from thin air, it seemed, and handed it Donovan. “Here’s a picture of the goblet. You’ll see it later when you go to her court. When you’re out of Queen Orlaith’s lands . . .” She lifted her hand to the side of her face, mimicking a phone. “Call me.”

  This kept getting worse. Donovan was after the same goblet I was supposed to get. Every contest—every game in PE I’d played and lost—flashed into my mind. I was horrible at competitions. I was even horrible at singing competitions, and singing was something I was good at. What chance did I have to win?

  Chrissy planted her hands on her hips, her lace cuffs draping over her fingers. “I already gave Sadie instructions to take the goblet, and we were here first.”

  Jade Blossom cast us an unconcerned look. “Then it’s too bad Sadie doesn’t have an invisibility cloak. It gives my client a distinct advantage.”

  My stomach sank. With an invisibility cloak, Donovan could steal the goblet before I even got close to it. Besides, I suddenly remembered that the story said the soldier took a goblet from the ball. It was already decreed, and if I tried to take the goblet instead, I would most likely be considering that mistake from a cereal box.

  I stepped toward Chrissy. “Isn’t there another way I can go home?”

  She didn’t answer. Jade Blossom was speaking with a smile of cat-like smugness. “Think how grateful Queen Titania will be when she gets the goblet—oh, sorry, I bet you were thinking about that. You’re still trying to find a way to get into Fairy Godmother University.”

  Chrissy’s lips pressed into a tight line of pink lipstick. “The only reason they haven’t already accepted me is because I dumped Master Goldengill’s son. He blacklisted me.”

  Jade Blossom reached into her bag again,
this time producing a thin, green wand. She fingered the end absentmindedly. “You know, maybe you should try for a less exclusive job. One more suited to your talents. A snail guardian, maybe.”

  Chrissy raised her chin. “Don’t count your snails before they’ve hatched. My client has a few advantages over yours.”

  “Like what?”

  “For one, she’s . . .” Chrissy gazed at me, searching for a redeeming quality, “. . . very smart.” Chrissy was obviously bluffing.

  “Really,” I said. “If there’s another way to—”

  Chrissy didn’t even acknowledge I’d spoken. She was still proving her point to the other fairy. “And Sadie knows the story. That gives her the advantage of foresight.”

  Jade didn’t blink. “Donovan’s a professional thief.”

  Chrissy let out a gasp, not of revulsion but of pure jealousy. My gaze flew back to him, seeing his mussed hair and confident swagger in a new light.

  He wasn’t the trendy type, the effortlessly cool guy who spent his time mocking everyone else. He was a rebel who skipped school altogether unless he was casing out whose car to steal. He was the type who fought dirty, a thief with an enchanted cloak. And I was up against him.

  Chrissy recovered as best she could from the news, striking a pose or airy confidence. “Sadie may not be skilled in the criminal arts, but she has other abilities.”

  Of all the things I ever expected anyone would say about me, never once had ‘Sadie may not be skilled in the criminal arts, but she has other abilities’ crossed my mind.

  “Sadie has . . .” Chrissy struggled for a moment to come up with a quality that might help me knick a goblet. “. . . hidden talents.”

  Jade Blossom smirked. “Hidden extremely well, apparently.”

  Chrissy turned her back on the other fairy with a sharp air of dismissal. She gave me a smile like cheerleaders wear during pep assemblies. “We’ll win this. Call me when you have the goblet.” She flicked her wand, and without any other sort of goodbye, she vanished. A trail of falling pink glitter wafted to the floor where she’d been.

  I was stuck here until I got the goblet. That is, if I could get the goblet.

  Chapter 8

  I stood in the entryway. Just stood there. I didn’t know what to do now, where to go. Was I supposed to join the royal family for dinner? Pretending things were normal seemed too overwhelming of a task. I needed time to pull myself together, to think. I needed to stay here in case Jade Blossom gave Donovan any sorts of clues about how to get the goblet.

  I was still grasping the tickets Chrissy had given me. I folded them and slipped them into my pocket.

  Neither Jade Blossom nor Donovan paid any attention to me. The fairy launched into an explanation about the magic prohibitions surrounding Queen Orlaith’s island that Chrissy had already told me. He regarded her, arms folded, his blue eyes cold with frustration. “Hold up a sec. Where exactly is Queen Orlaith’s court? And what is this princess story you mentioned earlier?”

  Jade Blossom let out a sigh, her shoulders dipping dramatically with the effort. “Haven’t you ever heard the fairy tale about the dancing princesses?”

  “Sorry. I’m not the Barbie-doll type.”

  “Your parents must have read you fairy tales when you were young.”

  He let out a grunt. “What can I say? It’s just one more way my mother failed me.”

  Jade Blossom’s lips twitched unhappily at this piece of news. “I can only tell you what the story allows. The king of this land has eleven—” she glanced over her shoulder at me. “I mean twelve daughters. Don’t ask why he had that many. There isn’t a good answer.”

  Jade Blossom went on to explain about the worn slippers and the king’s proclamation, then said, “Once you figure out the mystery, you’ll become the king’s son-in-law and inherit the kingdom.” She smiled, self-satisfied. “That will give you power, wealth, and your choice of a beautiful princess thrown in at no extra charge, because that’s the sort of amazing fairy godmother I am.”

  Donovan rubbed at his forehead and looked at her skeptically. “Wait—the dude is offering up his kingdom just because he can’t figure out how his kids keep sneaking out? My dad would have been kingdomless when I was ten years old.”

  Jade Blossom brushed flecks of dirt off the front of Donovan’s coat in a fruitless attempt to make him more presentable. “The king is bothered that his daughters keep sneaking out, although that’s not why he offered the reward. He knows magic must be involved, and nothing makes a mortal edgier than knowing magic is drifting through his home every night.”

  Donovan peered around the room, taking in the stairs, balconies, and chandeliers. “Ten to one it’s the windows. Mine were on the fourth floor and that didn’t stop me from leaving.”

  I wondered, but didn’t ask how he’d managed to climb out a fourth floor window without plunging to his death.

  Jade Blossom kept brushing Donovan’s coat. She was either pointlessly optimistic about the dirt’s grasp on the coat or she liked touching hot guys. “You’ll have a chance to tell the king your theories. However, if after three nights, you haven’t brought him proof your explanation is the right one, the king will order your execution.”

  “What?” Donovan took a step backward and swore several times. “You never mentioned this stuff when you offered me wishes.”

  He held up a hand, waving it for emphasis. “All I wanted was a decent ride and a home where the landlord wasn’t breathing down our necks. You not only sent me back in time, you dropped me in a place with some homicidal king? What—was it too hard to conjure up a Toyota?”

  Jade batted her eyes innocently. “The test is part of the story. Now calm down and listen up. This is what’s happened so far: You’re a Capenzian soldier returning from a war against Briardrake. The good news is your country won. The bad news is you’re poor.”

  Donovan clenched his jaw, his expression dark. It only made him look more broodingly handsome.

  “While you made your way through a nearby forest,” Jade Blossom continued, “you came across a beggar woman who sat shivering from the cold. You gave her your coat, and she transformed into the most stunningly gorgeous and exquisite fairy a mortal has ever seen.” Jade Blossom put her hand to her chest. “That would be me. As a reward for your selflessness, I gave you a magic invisibility cloak. Don’t lose that, by the way. It’ll take forever to find it again.”

  “Go on,” Donovan said stiffly.

  “The story allows me to give you one other important piece of advice: Drink nothing the princesses give you. They may be beautiful and lovely, but every single one of them wants you dead.”

  Donovan’s gaze snapped to mine, astonished.

  “Hey,” I held up both hands, “I just got here too. I don’t want anyone dead.”

  Jade Blossom leaned closer to his ear, her skirts rustling in satin whispers. “Remember, you can’t trust her. She’s after our goblet.”

  As Jade Blossom spoke, the clothes she wore changed, transformed from an elegant gown into a simple black dress and hair cap, the uniform of a servant.

  Before I could guess why she’d done this, the dining room door swung open, and a middle-aged woman strode out. Her blue dress was crisp and spotless, her black cap perched tidily over her graying brown hair. She carried an air of authority in every step she took toward me. A ladies maid? A head servant, perhaps?

  “Princess Mercedes, the king—” The woman stopped when she saw I wasn’t alone. She regarded Jade Blossom and Donovan with brows furrowed in disapproval. “Why have you brought this beggar to the main hall? If the lad wants something to eat, take him to the kitchen entrance.”

  Jade Blossom gave a brief curtsy. “Pardon me, Madam Saxton, this man isn’t a beggar. He’s a soldier home from the war, and he’s come to try his hand at solving the king’s mystery. I was about to take him to see King Rothschild.”

  “Is that so?” Madam Saxton looked Donovan up and down more thoroughly. A flicker
of sympathy passed through her eyes but was quickly replaced by a resolute firmness. “I’ll take care of this,” she told Jade Blossom. “You may attend to your duties.”

  Jade Blossom curtsied again, then walked back toward the hallway she’d come from. As soon as she turned the corner, a poof of green glitter fluttered to the floor. She must have gone back to wherever fairies went when they weren’t throwing unsuspecting mortals into other centuries.

  “I am King Rothschild’s head housekeeper,” Madam Saxton said, still regarding Donovan. “You wish to see him?”

  Chrissy had told me it was dangerous to change things in stories. But I didn’t see how it could be more dangerous than letting Donovan have the first shot at the goblet. I had to stop him from seeing the king.

  “Madam Saxton,” I said, mustering up a regal tone, “we can’t allow this young man to see my father today. He should think about his request for several days to ensure it’s what he really wants.” I pointed to the hallway. “See him out, and make sure he doesn’t return for a week.”

  Donovan’s eyes narrowed at me. “Oh, I don’t have to think about this. I want to see King Rothschild now.”

  “That’s an order,” I told Madam Saxton. “See him out.”

  Donovan took a step toward me. “The king said anyone could try to solve the mystery. Do your orders supersede his?”

  Supersede? I hadn’t expected a guy with a probation officer to use that sort of word. Was he smart? Smarter than my supposed smartness?

  Madam Saxton held up her hands to stop our argument, then dipped her head in a deferential bow to me. “Princess Mercedes, your concern for the lad’s safety does you credit. However, your father’s decree can’t be changed. Still, I’ve some leeway in weeding out those unsuited to the task.”

  She eyed Donovan’s ragged clothing. “I suppose you think your life is so wretched, you’ve nothing to lose by attempting to uncover the secret of the princesses’ slippers. Nonetheless, I won’t admit you into the king’s presence unless I know you’re cleverer than your predecessors. I’ll ask you three questions. If you don’t answer each of them correctly, you’ll be on your way forthwith.”