You don't deserve that chance, idiot! He scolded himself in his mind. You'll always be the dense bastard who had let her down when she need you the most. You've lost the one girl you've loved all your life!
During this whole week, Stephanie avoided being alone with him. She made sure her grandma or Martha were always there when she asked him to bring in some documents or report on this or that issue. She had asked him to give her a tour around the ranch and stables yet refused to even step in and see her favorite horse.
She was resisting everything that reminded of their past. Although Erik knew it would be for the best to leave her alone, he wanted to confront her, to make her talk and yell at him, beat the living shit out of him. Anything that would make her release all that hatred and finally look at him the way she did before.
He got that chance one night when he saw Stephanie walking alone around the pool. He remembered one evening so many years ago when he had dared her to jump into the pool on a freezing, cold night. They ended up swimming for hours and didn't get out even when heavy rain started. That night, he had kissed her for the first time. They were both fourteen back then. He would've given anything for another chance to touch those full lips of hers and to hold her beautiful curvy body in his arms.
"May I join you?" He thought he could give it another try.
She looked thoughtful and he wished he had the power to brush away those thoughts that were weighing on her.
"If it's not urgent, we can talk tomorrow," she said stepping backward cautiously. Erik hated how tense her body was. Every little gesture gave away her nervousness in his presence.
"It's not about the ranch and I'm not going to ask you to reconsider your plan to sell it," he said quickly before she turned and left as she always did when he tried to talk to her.
"What is it then? I doubt there's anything else the two of us need to talk about." Her clear blue eyes looked at him—piercing through his soul. He could see the reflections of his past mistakes in them. There was sadness in them which he had never seen before. Fanny always had the most honest and mesmerizing cheerful eyes. Every time she smiled at him he was lost in paradise. Now, her gazed caused him nothing but agony.
"You are wrong, Fanny," Erik protested, stepping closer. He was not going to let her business attitude intimidate him. She could go back into hiding in her shell again after this, but right now might've been the only chance Erik got to make her talk. He was going to use it no matter what. "We need to talk. We needed to talk all these years. And now, as you are here, I'm not letting you get away with it. Curse me, hate me, but please, talk to me."
Stephanie turned to face him again. Her lips pursed into a tight line that was charged with so much anger he knew words were ready to burst out of her throat any moment. If not for her willpower and stubbornness.
"Talk to me, Fanny! None of us has forgotten what has happened. I will never forgive myself for losing our baby girl. And neither will you!" He started yelling. Even through the distance of all those years, he could still feel that raw pain that only loss of an unborn baby could cause.
"Don't you dare talk about her!" Rage ignited in Stephanie's eyes. She tilted her chin up and glaring at him menacingly stepped forward. "You didn't even want her to exist. You rejected her before she could be born. How dare you even mention her! You were not there when I lost her. Now you think you have any right to mourn her?"
Probably, the endless anger and pain were the only means that could bring back the Fanny he knew. She was finally talking to him and not to a stranger who she avoided to interact with. She was mad at him—hated him—but all those emotions were better than the icy cold silence that she had sentenced him to for all these years.
"You are right. I have done all of that but I was only seventeen, Fanny. And I was terrified to be a father. You said it yourself that having a baby would ruin your chances to study in the school you wanted. It wasn't just me who wasn't ready for her," Erik yelled.
He did not mean to get so angry. He knew he was responsible for their breakup in the first place.
When Fanny had come to him to show the pregnancy test, he had been terrified. It wasn't anything a seventeen-year-old would expect as a gift from him girlfriend. Even if she was the girl he had been in love with since they were thirteen. Even if he knew that he was going to love her all his life.
The news had been terrifying. back then, Erik was training for the most important race in his career that summer. He had told her that he needed to concentrate on his training and that they could talk about it later.
Stefanie was graduating from school that year and had received early acceptance notifications from several colleges. She was never going to be a country girl living a happy life on the ranch, raising kids. They both knew she was too smart and too ambitious for that. She needed to pursue her dream.
"And then you left. Did you even think to let me know when you were told that there was a chance of losing our baby? No, you did not, Fanny. Jonathan told me only after it was too late and by then you had shut me out of your life completely." He did not want to blame her in all of this. He could only guess how scary it had been for her.
That summer, each of them had had a painful loss. It had turned out that their baby was not growing and Stephanie lost her in the fourth month of pregnancy. Erik got into an accident and broke his limb. His career was doomed and it took him years to recover and get on horseback again. Jonathan had been the only person who had not lost his hope and not only supported him but forced him to keep on exercising until he recovered.
Erik had always expected Jonathan to be mad at him for whatever had happened between him and Fanny, yet the old man had never let him feel that he was a disappointment to him.
"Now, you act as if I was the only one to be blamed. We both were young and both wanted to have careers and success. We both did not understand the blessing that a child could've been for us," he said, his voice was thick with emotions. For all these years Erik had never allowed himself to cry over his lost baby. Now, all of those memories weighted so heavy on him, he knew they could crush him.
He wasn't sure what he expected Fanny to say. She remained silent for several long moments. It was unbearable. He could hear his heartbeat—loud and heavy. He would've preferred that useless muscle in his chest to fail him and stop instead of causing so much pain. More than anything, Erik feared that she'd now turn and walk out of his life for good. He had no right to let his frustration take over him. His words were harsh and now, once they were out, there was no turning back.
Another moment passed. Stephanie just stared at him—her eyes unreadable, stupefied and motionless. He wasn't even sure she was breathing.
Another blink, and then she launched forward and threw herself into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his waist, digging her fingers into his skin, clenching so tightly, as if some unknown power was going to tear her apart from him and carry her away. He felt his shirt get soaked with her tears. Same tears now were running down his face. Their tangled bodies shook uncontrollably with overwhelming emotions taking over them.
"I needed you to hold me tight and never let me go," she whispered to him. "I waited for years but you never showed up..."
*****
Tangled, their bodies were trembling so violently, Stephanie was not even sure anymore who was supporting who. Erik's legs gave up first, and he slowly sank to his knees. Stephanie followed him, kneeling right in front of him, still holding him in an embrace. She was not ready to let go of him yet. Not when it had taken so long to finally scream out all that pain that had been gnawing at her heart for all those years.
Now, she could think about only one thing that calmed her—his breathing that puffed against the side of her face, his heartbeat that was slowly becoming even again, the salty taste of his tears that she could feel on her lips.
"Hold me, please," she whispered again and again. "I hated you so much all these years. I thought if you were there, we would've been able to save
her. Yet, I know there was no chance for her to live."
The idea that he'd pull away for her was too painful. For the first time in so many years, she could not only share her grief but feel that someone felt that dark emptiness in her heart that had been caused by their loss. For the first time in all these years, she knew that this burden, this heavy guilt was not only hers. He shared and carried it with her. For once, she did not feel so broken and empty.
He did not say a word. She could feel how hard it was for him to find the right words. His fingers caressed her back in slow, circular motions and she knew there were thousands of thoughts in his head that he could not voice. Her own throat felt heavy, as if a lump was there that blocked her words.
Her vision was blurry with tears but when she looked into his eyes, the darkness and emptiness she saw before were gone. brightened with shiny drops of tears, a pair of piercing brown eyes looked at her. The storm that had been tormenting both of them for years was finally calming down.
Now, when all the words and accusations were out, they would need to learn how to deal with what was lying ahead of them.
Stephanie's eyes felt so heavy. She closed them and squeezed, hoping to stop the urge of pouring out more tears. She felt his lips touch her skin. He kissed the drying tears down her cheeks, taking away the salty traces they had left.
His lips felt harder. She could feel calluses caused by many hours spent in the sun. She loved the rough sensation they left on her skin. He continued peppering kisses on her face—her eyes, her nose and her temple until he reached for her mouth. He hesitated for a moment.
"Kiss me, Rick," she whispered. She could feel his scent on her lips - that maddeningly familiar breath she had never forgotten. The years, the anger and heartbreak had never erased the taste of him from her lips. Many a night she had dreamed about feeling those lips pressed to her mouth again.
Erik's lips were only an inch away from hers. Losing her patience, Stephanie leaned forward claiming his mouth. They shared a long and deep kiss—the one that tasted so bittersweet. All those mixed emotions were put into that kiss.
She pulled her mouth away only when she was completely out of breath. For several minutes, Stephanie did not dare to open her eyes and look at him. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against his and stayed in comforting silence.
"I need you, Fanny," Erik finally spoke. His voice raw with all the emotions mixed in it.
"I'm yours. Take me," she whispered without any hesitation. She knew well she had been fooling herself for all these years, pretending she had forgotten him. Nothing could've broken the connection the two of them shared since childhood. No heartbreak could erase her feelings for him while her heart was still capable of beating.
Erik's hands moved up and down her back - caressing her, setting her body on fire. His lips were still so close to hers. She hoped for another kiss. Instead, his mouth landed a bit lower, kissing her jaw and throat, nibbling and sucking on her tender skin.
"Is this all real? Am I really holding you in my arms, Fanny?" he whispered to her. He tilted his head to look into her eyes and Stephanie smiled - underneath this hunky body there was still the timid soul of the young boy she had once fallen in love with.
"Yes, it's all real. I missed hearing you call me Fanny," she confessed. "Only you and Grandpa have called me that annoying pet name."
He chuckled. The tension between them was gone. Through tears, he smiled at her. "We both knew you hated it. But it suits you so much. Actually, Jonathan encouraged me not to give up and keep on calling you Fanny. He said that despite all your glaring and frowning, your eyes shined when I called you that name. Your grandpa was a wise man."
"And he always supported you so much," Stephanie ran her fingers through his messy hair. He still was on bad turns with his hairbrush - she suspected.
Erik pulled her closer into his arms and as they wrapped their arms tightly around each other, Stephanie felt the hard bulge in his pants poke against her body.
God, she had missed all of this. No man could make her so mad and so excited at the same time. She never desired anyone with such maddening passion. Her trembling fingers slid down his body and cupped his bulge. He jerked - responding to her touch. She could feel him grow bigger and harder in her hand. She couldn't bear another moment of this torture. More than anything else, Stephanie needed their bodies to become one. That was the only time she felt complete and safe from all the hardships in the world.
She unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants pulling them down to his knees. She gasped as the beautiful, massive cock sprung out. He had grown so much bigger now. Biting her lip with excitement, she ran her fingers up and down his shaft, feeling his blood rush through his veins and the member grow even larger enjoying the touch of her fingers.
Bringing one leg in front of him, he pulled her even closer to him. She was filled with the warmth of his body. Erik easily peeled away her worn denim pants and ripped off her panties. One finger probed her slit and Stephanie moaned. She was dripping wet down there. So much for all these years of missing him.
That one intruding finger rubbed her clit spreading her juices. He still remembered how she loved it—slow and tender—teasing and driving her mad with desire. Stephanie's body shuddered. This was too much - emotions and sensations were mixed into a storm that was fueled by raw love and anger that both shared.
Stephanie leaned closer and with her trembling lips captured his mouth in another deep kiss. With her one hand, she slowly directed his thick cock toward her opening and eased him into her wet pussy. Her insides quivered, adjusting to his girth. Placing her hands on his hard chest, she could almost touch his heart and feel the even rhythm of his heartbeats.
Looking into her eyes, Erik started thrusting into her. He moved very slow, letting her feel the thrill of being one body and tangled into each other's arms, realizing how incomplete and lonely they had been for such a long time.
So much still unspoken and untold between them. Yet, this was the time when their bodies were the ones to talk and the words meant nothing—only sensations, only deep thrusts, and caresses could express all those powerful feelings that had possessed them. She took all of him in—her true Erik - shy and at times silly, rough and brutal in his raw expressions, yet painfully honest. He was the man who could love blindly and be stubborn enough not to abandon the love even when she hated him.
His thrusts grew deeper and she responded to them, rocking her bottom and pushing into him, taking him all the way in. With the ground biting at her knees, Stephanie let passion take over them and enjoyed the rough and fast lovemaking. She'd want it to never end, never face the reality that existed outside this little garden and the pool. Everything felt so simple and natural when their bodies were connected. She felt powerful and no weight of heavy decisions could crush her down.
Their gazes melted into one another. He thrust into her like there was no tomorrow. Stephanie did hope that “tomorrow” was never to come and she'd never be forced to make a decision that could separate them again. All she needed was to have his lips sealed to hers, his arms holding her in their strong embrace and his cock buried into her - in the place where it belonged. Their hearts beat as one and after moments of maddening jerky thrusts, they both found release - together. He screamed her name as she called his. Then he kissed her again and all the sounds died around them. For a moment, as her body was shaking with the aftershocks of her orgasm, Stephanie felt her ears were blocked and all the sounds muffled.
Then, he heard someone's approaching footsteps and Erik's name being called. Her mind still clouded, Stephanie tried to quickly cover her naked body before a young farm boy appeared. He stopped to catch his breath - apparently so exhausted, that he did not even realize what he was interrupting.
"Been looking for ya everywhere, boss. We need ya at the stables. The horse, the old one, is giving birth. The vet is here but seems it's not doing good. She's old and we might lose both the horse and the foal," the boy sp
oke quickly and it took a moment for Stephanie to make sense of his rushed words.
"I'm coming right away," Erik said, jumping up. He paused and turned to look at Stephanie. "I must go, Fanny. I'll be back as soon as I can and we can talk..."
He found his pants and quickly shove them up his legs. The boy, only now noticing their nakedness, gasped in surprise.
"Wait, I want to help," Stephanie spoke before she could think twice. How was she going to help? She understood nothing in horses. A scene of a dying horse and her newly born foal did not sound like something she could handle.
"Fanny, it's Green Ear, it might be too much for you to handle," he shook his hand, looking away. They both knew what that heavy silence meant. Too much to remind her of her own loss. Too many emotions that could simply crush her. Green Ear had always been her favorite horse.
Stephanie rose to her feet and took his hand into hers, lacing their fingers. "Then we should hurry to save them."
*****
Everything had happened so fast the last night. Erik was still processing all of that and trying to figure out where all those events left them now. First, he had provoked Stephanie to unleash all the anger that they had been keeping locked inside them for years. Then, the maddeningly intimate lovemaking - he had never thought he'd touch those lips ever again, let alone be one with her. And as if all of it was not enough, staying up all night in the stables saving the horse and its foal. He knew how emotional all of it had been for Fanny to watch. She had been holding Green Ear and talking to her for hours while Erik and the veterinarian were trying to get the foal out unharmed. And then, she insisted on holding the newborn float in her arms and didn't want to leave it even when she could hardly keep her eyes open because of exhaustion.
So much for one night. Now, he was on his way back from the stable. He had come to check on the horse and made sure everything was fine. He was on his way to the farmhouse to see Stephanie.
THE HEALING HEART: Military and Pregnancy Romance Page 97