by Sarah Flint
‘’Cause I went through his car while I was waiting for him at Folkestone and found a knife and some drugs. He weren’t happy. We had a bit of a fight in the street when he dropped me off an’ we didn’t make no actual arrangements to meet. Now his phone is switched off and he’s not rung me back like he promised.’ She wiped her sleeve across her face and sniffed again. ‘And he said that I weren’t experienced enough and that ’e would ’ave to teach me what he likes, so we could be together. He promised it wouldn’t be long.’
Caz snorted as Ayeisha dabbed at her eyes. Dutch had been right; Ayeisha was far too young and innocent to be mixed up with the likes of Dimitri, especially if she still believed he would treat her any differently to how Razor treated them. He might pretend she was special, but that would change when she was under his control. Perhaps she’d saved her friend from finding out the hard way.
‘Here’s to ’im doin’ what he promised, then.’ Caz raised her can towards her friend, acknowledging for the first time the deadness in Ayeisha’s eyes. The last few days had changed her friend’s outlook. It was if the sun had set and she was finally seeing the world as it was. Darkness, defeat, death. She’d soon learn, if she hadn’t already. It wouldn’t be the first promise that would be broken.
*
They were still chatting when Caz heard footsteps in the hallway and Razor poked his head around the door. She froze, waiting for his demands, but instead he was all charm.
‘Ladies, can I interest you in some good quality skunk?’
He reached into his pocket and pulled out several snap bags, rolled an extra-large joint and lit it, offering it to Ayeisha first.
‘Here, try this. I think you’ll like it,’ he grinned, as she shrank away, before taking a deep breath and reaching forward to take it off him. ‘Good girl.’ He passed it across, winking at Caz as Ayeisha gingerly inhaled.
Caz relaxed. This was more like the Razor she loved. She could forgive him anything when he was in this mood. At her turn, she let the cannabis fill her mouth and throat, swallowing it down with several swigs of the beer, her mind hazy with well-being.
Ayeisha brightened too, chatting animatedly as the skunk took effect. Rather than her usual reticence in Razor’s presence, she became giggly, swallowing the last can down in long gulps and laughing at the slightest thing.
‘Caz, run to the shop and get some more beers,’ Razor said after a while, upturning his can to show it was empty. ‘Get a bottle of vodka too. I’ve got some gear. Let’s have a good night.’
‘Why can’t Ay—’ she stopped mid-sentence, recognising immediately the set of his jaw. There was no point spoiling his good mood. ‘Give me some cash then,’ she sighed instead, pocketing the notes that he offered.
A slight sleet was falling as she stepped out from the tepid smog of the flat and looked out across the hazy skyline. The top of the Shard was barely visible, and the lights on Canada Square and the Heron Tower in Canary Wharf blinked out intermittently from within the dark clouds. The landing was freezing, but nothing compared to the temperature outside the block. As she left the protection of its cover, the chill wind surrounded her, whistling along the walkways and throwing her off balance. It tore at her ruthlessly, whipping the hail around her bare legs and neck and penetrating her skimpy clothing. She pulled her coat close and struggled against the gusts towards the parade of shops.
The off-licence was crowded with folks on their way out to parties, and as she waited in the queue, Caz warmed in the midst of the scarves, woolly hats and good tidings. The shopkeeper was in good spirits too.
‘Glad to see you’re paying for this tonight, Caz?’ he laughed, slipping her purchases into a carrier bag. Many a time he’d caught her secreting the odd can or bottle inside her jacket. It had become a running joke between them.
‘Yep,’ Caz held out the cash, smiling in return. ‘It’s your Christmas bonus, but don’t count on it when I’m broke again in the New Year.’
Even the frozen rain couldn’t dampen her spirits as she left the warmth of the store. Perhaps now Razor had calmed, they could have the relationship she so craved. She quickened her step as the feeling grew stronger.
The lounge door was partially closed when she returned, but she could hear Razor and Ayeisha moving about. All was well. Peering around the doorframe, she froze, stunned at the scene before her. Ayeisha was lying across the settee, her clothes in disarray, her breasts exposed. Razor was on top of her, his trousers down, his bare buttocks moving rhythmically.
With a shout, Caz kicked the door wide open, her hand flying automatically to her mouth. Razor turned to face her, flicking his tongue against his lips gleefully. Underneath him, Ayeisha struggled to cover her nakedness, her face a mask of guilt.
‘Meet your new partner,’ Razor gloated.
Caz looked at them both and saw only betrayal.
‘You bastard,’ she screamed at him. ‘You cheating, evil bastard.’ She turned towards Ayeisha, her voice cold. ‘And you was supposed to be my friend. I took you under my wing and gave you a place to stay away from the children’s home, yet you’ve chosen now, when all my dreams was about to come true, to get your first experience with my man. No wonder Dimitri don’t want you. No one does. You deserve everything you get.’
She ran from the room towards the front door, with Ayeisha’s cry of anguish ringing in her ears.
‘Come back here, you fucking bitch, and do what I say,’ Razor roared.
She continued to run, out on to the landing and down the stairs. Behind her she could hear Razor cursing and the sound of heavy footsteps clomping against the concrete. She couldn’t stop. She daren’t stop. The wind pummelled her as she left the block; lifting her up and speeding her round the corner towards the garages. She squeezed herself between two large wheelie bins and sank down into a dark corner, breathing hard as her head hit the metal handle of a disused amenities cupboard. Tears emptied themselves down her cheeks as she cursed her clumsiness, rubbing at her scalp to relieve the pain.
How could she have been so stupid to think she would ever have been enough for Razor. Yet his betrayal had still stunned her, and with her best friend too. Tonight, he had shown his true colours, contemptuous and cruel, just as her stepfather Tommy had been, all those years before.
The footsteps were getting closer. She pushed herself further into the darkness between the bins and held her breath, trying to calm the shaking in every part of her body, too petrified to expel her breath into the freezing air. She could see Razor’s breath fanning out into the dimmed lighting as he moved about outside the garages; she could hear the rattle of his chest and she knew without doubt that he meant every word that he snarled.
‘Come out now, you bitch. Come out now or when I find you I’ll fucking kill you.’
*
As he climbed the stairs, The Punter could hear the gentle rasping sound of the twins asleep in their rooms. He crept quietly into the bedroom and saw his wife’s shape under the duvet. She roused, smiling up at him sleepily as he stripped off and climbed into bed beside her. The bedroom smelt of lavender perfume and the cotton of her nightdress was crisp and cool to the touch. The brandy was making his head muzzy, having stayed downstairs drinking for a few hours longer, but as she moved across the bed towards him, he wished he’d stayed away all night. He felt her kissing him gently and willed himself to respond but remained stubbornly limp. The more she tried, the less happened.
‘Is anything the matter, darling?’ she asked.
He thought he could detect the usual critical edge to her voice and his temper flared, shamed at his inability to get an erection. It was all her fault. The humiliation from earlier that evening returned, the toxic laughter, the sneering faces. He looked down at his spouse, so pretty, so submissive, so inanimate, and felt no passion. He needed a return to the filthy hookers and the intoxicating violence on which he was addicted.
Tugging off the duvet, he started to dress, desperate to get away; the guilt at his tho
ughts slowly transforming itself into fury. His wife was imploring him to stay, telling him not to worry, but that just served to increase his rage.
He heard his children stir as he stepped heavily down the stairs, their cries increasing his feelings of entrapment. Downing a last brandy, he stepped across the threshold of his middle-class, semi-detached residence and climbed into the driving seat.
The Punter knew in exactly which direction he was heading.
*
Caz stayed rooted to the darkened recess for what seemed like hours until Razor’s footsteps gradually faded away. She remained hidden at the sound of Ayeisha calling out her name, not willing to place any further trust in her so-called friend, until her voice too became fainter and finally disappeared.
Only then did she make her way out from her hideaway and scan the area, listening for the slightest sound of their presence before quickly running to the main entrance and up the stairs to the flat. Outside the door she stopped, waiting and watching for any evidence they had returned, but all was quiet. As she entered the stillness of the flat, she knew, without doubt, she could never return. She grabbed her bag, briefly checking that Goldilocks was still safe within, and then gathered together a small quantity of clothes and other belongings. Stuffing them into a small holdall, she took a last look back at the flat that was to have been her forever home with Razor. Her dreams were shattered, her hopes dashed. She had been betrayed again, as she had so many times before.
With that, she walked out of the block and out through the Poets Estate for the last time, knowing she was lucky to have escaped with her life. In the side pocket of her handbag was the small scrap of paper on which Anna’s phone number was written. She pulled it out, staring blankly at the number. It might be her only means of escape.
Somehow she had to get to Anna, before Razor got to her.
Chapter 49
Anna was just heading up to bed when her mobile phone vibrated. There was no name displayed on the screen and she was tempted not to answer, but a niggle in the back of her mind brought her finger to the button.
The operator’s voice came on the line. ‘Will you accept a reverse connect call? It’s from a public call box in Streatham.’
‘Yes, yes,’ she replied, initially confused but realising quickly it must be Caz.
Seconds later her assumption was proved correct as Caz came on the line.
‘Anna it’s me.’
‘What’s happened?’ She could sense the panic in the young girl’s voice.
‘I’ve run away from Razor. He’s tryin’ to find me an’ if he does, he’ll kill me. I know he will. I’ve got nowhere to go an’ you said, like, to phone if I needed help.’
‘Where are you now? I’ll come and get you.’
‘I’m in the phone box near the cinema, but I’ll hide nearby ’til you get ’ere. I can’t risk him seein’ me, or I’m done for.’
‘Stay there. I’m coming now.’
She explained the situation hastily to her husband, grabbed her bag and, against his strongest entreaties, ran to her car. Now was not the time to falter, though everything in her head knew him to be right. The whole situation screamed danger. She just had to hope Caz had not left her cry for help until it was too late, as Anna herself so nearly had.
It was only a short way, but every second counted. She had to get to Caz before Razor did. This was the chance she had been waiting for. It might be the only opportunity she would get.
The adrenalin was coursing through her body as she pulled up next to the cinema. What if Razor spotted them and attacked them both? Was she just being selfish, placing her own desires before that of her husband and her children?
Before she had the chance to change her mind, the passenger door opened and Caz jumped into the seat beside her, clutching her handbag to her chest and pushing a holdall through to the rear. She looked petrified.
Anna shrugged her reservations to the back of her mind and pulled away, checking in her mirrors that she wasn’t being followed. Her office seemed the only option, being a neutral place where they could talk. There was nowhere else they could go. She couldn’t bring danger to her family home and she couldn’t yet risk telling Caz about the flat until she was sure she was ready. Better to wait and hear what had happened first. They didn’t speak on the journey, as if fearful that the slightest sound would alert Razor to their whereabouts.
Entering the office, Anna wrapped Caz in the blanket that was fast becoming her own, switched on the heating and boiled the kettle. She could at least provide warmth for the freezing young girl. Caz wore an expression of complete bewilderment as she sat clinging to a lukewarm radiator.
‘What’s happened then?’ Anna asked quietly. ‘Things were going well the last time we spoke.’
‘I don’t know what the fuck happened, Anna,’ Caz said miserably. ‘One minute he was good as gold an’ I really thought we ’ad a future together, but then it all changed. ’E didn’t say nothin’, but I ’eard some boy dealer made ’im look stupid and Dutch died. Since then ’e’s bin forcin’ me out on the streets every night and ’e won’t give me no crack until I’m cluckin’ for it. I’ve made ’is flat look nice, but nothings good enough for ’im.’ She paused and looked directly at Anna. ‘I would ’ave done anything for him. Anything, but ’e’s betrayed me now an’ I hate him.’
Anna heard the irrevocable finality of her client’s last sentence, sensing the same steely determination as when Caz had spoken of Tommy’s death. The girl was moving on. Her mind was set and Anna truly believed this could be the end of her relationship with Razor, but, before she let Caz into any secrets, she still needed to hear what had caused the change of heart and whether it was over between them for good.
‘What did he do that was so bad?’ she asked gently.
‘My mate, Ayeisha, came round.’ Caz smiled a sad, apologetic smile. ‘We was all havin’ a drink and smoke. He asked me to go an’ get some more booze ’cause we’d run out an’ when I got back he was screwing her. Right there in front of me. My best friend. An’ he was laughin’ at me. The fuckin’ bastard was laughin’ straight in my face.’
Anna watched as Caz’s eyes welled up and the tears flowed unabated on to the floor beneath.
‘I screamed at him. I called him a cheatin’ evil bastard. Then I ran away. I had to get out. I could hear him comin’ after me, so I hid behind the bins. I waited until they’d both gone, then I crept back up the stairs and got my things. I can’t go back there now. ’E would kill me.’ She paused, closed her eyes and leant her head against the radiator. ‘Maybe that would be the best thing for me now. Go back an’ let him finish me off, like Redz and Dutch. Nobody would fuckin’ care. No one gives a damn what I do. Even my own mother didn’t care. She betrayed me as well.
‘She killed ’erself, right in front of my eyes. After Tommy died, like I said before, we got close again, Mum and I. Then one day I comes home from school an’ she’s pissed again. Says she can’t cope no more an’ she don’t want to live no more. I tried to tell her she would be all right. That she had me. That I would always be with her an’ look after her, but she said it was too late, that she’d already taken a load of tablets. I ran an’ phoned the ambulance, but by the time I got back, she’d cut her wrists with a knife. Slit ’em right up, nearly to her elbows. There was blood spurtin’ out of them everywhere. I tried to stop them bleedin’, but they wouldn’t stop, just kept pumpin’ out all over me, all warm and sticky.’
She stopped speaking, rubbing her forearms and tracing the scars on her own wrists.
‘I cradled her in my arms an’ kept askin’ why, why, but all she could say was that she was sorry. Just before she went unconscious she looked at me an’ said she loved me, then she closed her eyes. She looked so sad. She never opened them again. I kept shakin’ her, tryin’ to wake her up, but I couldn’t. Gradually the blood stopped pumpin’ so hard and then it just stopped pumpin’ altogether. By the time the ambulance arrived it was too late.’
She turned and looked up at Anna.
‘So now you see. Everyone betrays me. Just when I thought my mum an’ I was happy, she betrayed me an’ left. Do you know what she said in a letter I found next to her? She said that she could never live up to my expectations and I’d be better off finding someone else to take ’er place. She said that she could never be enough for me… but she was. She was all I ever wanted.
‘After her I thought I would never find another person who loved me, ’til Razor rescued me from the home. I loved him an’ I thought he loved me too. Even when the other girls was givin’ him grief, he always seemed to go easy on me. What a fuckin’ stupid bitch I’ve been. ’E never really loved me at all. I was just there to bring him cash and give him sex when ’e wanted it. Well, I’m not goin’ back. ’E can ’ave Ayeisha for all I care now, an’ I hope they’re happy together.’
Anna watched as Caz’s stricken face became firm, resolute. A profound sadness swept through her body as she tried to imagine what it must have been like for Caz witnessing her mother’s suicide and being powerless to prevent it happening. At least when her own parents had died it had been accidental, an awful tragedy that had orphaned her in a blink of an eye but had left her without guilt. Caz had been forced to watch as her mother and, to a lesser extent, Razor – both people she adored – betrayed her love, throwing it back in her face.
She reached across, taking Caz by the hand. The time was right to divulge the news of the flat. The girl had to be given a reason for optimism, a slim ray of hope on which to cling.
‘Caz, I can help.’
As she spoke, a deafening noise echoed up from the stairwell below and Caz spun round towards the door.
‘Anna. It’s him. It’s Razor.’
Anna could hear Razor’s voice bellowing from the street below. Another crash and the door went in, smashing against the wall. She could hear his grunts of exertion as he took the steps two at a time. Grabbing the office phone, she dialled 999, just as he strode into the office. He lunged towards Caz, bringing the back of his hand down across her face and knocking her head hard against the wall, before taking her roughly by the arm and dragging her to her feet.