by Non Pratt
Lee hands the box over with a grin as Parvati reaches up for a high five.
“Burn!” She slaps his palm.
“Or not-burn as the case may be.” Lee laughs and reaches out to ruffle Owen’s hair – a gesture Owen thwarts by ducking away, still looking pissed. Lee ignores him and opens the cool box. He goes for one of the revolting canned cocktails and then hands beers to Anna, Parvati and Dongle. When I reach for one, Lee gives me a look.
“Pace yourself, Puberty.”
Ignoring him, I get my own beer. This is not the sort of thing I have ever listened to any of my brothers about, least of all this one.
“Where’s Kaz?” Lee asks.
Dongle’s keen to prove he’s been paying attention. “With Rugby Tom.”
“Selkirk? Bet that was cosy.”
“That’s one word for it,” I mutter low enough that Dongle can’t hear. Lee knows the way I feel about the Kaz/Tom situation.
“I feel like I’m missing something,” Parvati pipes up from the rug, one arm draped artfully over her knees as she sits and sips her beer. “You’re all talking in code. Rugby Tom, Kaz, who are these people?”
“Kaz is Ruby’s friend who’s camping with us,” Owen says, finally emerging from his sulk as the firelighters glimmer beneath the logs. “Tom’s her boyfriend—”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Lee and I correct him at the same time.
“Right,” Dongle says. “Tom’s going out with that fit girl from the tearooms, isn’t he?”
The way he says it, Dongle clearly thinks this is something we already know.
It most certainly is not.
KAZ
What am I supposed to do now? Do I tell Ruby that I’ve seen Stu – or will that spoil things for her? Will she become like I was when I was on the alert for Tom? Will every tattooed arm, every lean torso, every word that rhymes with “Stu” set her off? Only worse because I actually wanted to see Tom? From the second she ended things, Ruby could not have been clearer how she felt.
“It’s over,” she told me on the phone after she’d seen him. “Stu had sex with another girl at that house party.”
“I know,” I’d said, hating myself for it.
“What do you mean?” I could picture her quick frown, the puzzled headshake.
“Naomi heard a rumour…”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“There’s always rumours, Ruby. I wanted to know whether this one was as true as it sounded.” Ruby read the words I wasn’t saying.
“When did you talk to him?”
“Just before lunch.” I’d woken him from his hangover – word of his transgression had spread whilst he was still trying to sleep it off. “He wanted to talk to you himself.”
I hadn’t given Stu much choice. If he hadn’t told her, I would have.
Ruby said nothing. All I could hear was the rattle of the wind as she walked.
“I’m sorry, Ruby.”
“I know,” she said, then, “It’s not your fault I had such a suckjob for a boyfriend.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. I want to watch Harry Potter.”
Fifteen minutes later, Ruby was on my doorstep and we loaded up The Philosopher’s Stone. At the end of the film, she gave me a hug and told me I was forgiven. Her ex-boyfriend was not.
Stuart Garside stopped being someone Ruby cared about when she dumped him. She deleted his number from her phone, binned all his photos and tore up the tickets of the gigs they’d been to. If she could have wiped her memories clean Eternal Sunshine-style, she would have. So that means she won’t want to know he’s here – doesn’t it?
RUBY
Dongle is the least reliable informant ever. As soon as I start quizzing him about Tom’s mysterious fit girlfriend, he backs down.
“Which tearooms?” I ask. There are about a million within a square mile of the seafront.
Dongle mumbles something about the one at the end of the parade.
“What were you doing in a tearoom?” Parvati hijacks the interrogation.
“I go with my nan sometimes.” Dongle shrugs. “I’ve probably got it all wrong.”
“You usually have.” Anna throws a scrunched-up bit of tinfoil at him. She begins to lay meat out on the barbecue trays, and when Owen starts threading marshmallows onto a kebab stick, everyone gets distracted by the thought of eating.
Not me. I’m distracted by the thought of Tom having a girlfriend that no one appears to have mentioned to Kaz.
Not even Tom.
KAZ
By the time I get back to camp, I’ve yet to decide what to do about Stu … until I see Owen. Owen, who is in the same year as Stu, who took the same Sociology classes. I’m sure I’ve seen Stu wearing one of Owen’s band’s revolting T-shirts. They’re lime green with orange writing and only Hydro’s nearest and dearest would own one, so either Stu’s colour-blind, or he’s actually friends with Owen.
Sensible, keep-the-peace Owen. If there’s one person I can trust on this, it will be the boy-version of me.
The second I step into camp, though, I’m assaulted by introductions. Ruby introduces Anna first, whose dimples pop prettily as she waves across at me – in direct contrast to the alarmingly cool Parvati, who gives me a vague smile from behind the kind of sunglasses my sister would envy. The new boy, who has an entire apple stuffed in his mouth like a pig at a medieval feast, is called Dongle, and although I want to ask him the origin of his name, it’ll be half an hour before he can reply. Or breathe.
Ruby sits back down and waves me into the empty chair next to her. Before I’m able to ask her whether the half-empty beer bottle clamped in her fist is her first and remind her she’s a lightweight (literally), Ruby leans close and stares at me as if trying to read my mind. I panic that she somehow knows about Stu.
“How was Tom?”
I’m almost relieved when that’s the name I hear.
“Um … fine?” I glance away in case she can tell that I’m all aflutter about the way he flirted with me. (Because that’s definitely what he was doing. I’ve decided.)
“No news?”
“I don’t really think so.” I frown at her, confused. “Should there be?”
“So he didn’t say anything about a girlfriend?” Ruby’s now leaning so far over that she’s about to fall out of the chair.
“No, Ruby, Tom didn’t say anything about a girlfriend,” I say quietly, hurt that she’s pushing this particular button. It’s one I’ve been avoiding ever since we broke up, the thought of my Tom being with someone else… I know we’re supposed to be over and I know I’m not supposed to love him, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to pass him on to someone else. Not yet. Not whilst there’s a chance I could hold on to him.
“What about Naj? Or Roly?”
I know what she’s driving at, but I’m not prepared to go with her. “I don’t know whether they’ve got girlfriends either. Perhaps you should ask them?”
Ruby looks very disappointed in me for making that joke. “Or perhaps you should ask Tom?”
I say nothing. I’m not going to. There’s no need. I’d know if Tom had a girlfriend – Dad would know. Or Naomi, who knows everything, would know. Besides, even if they didn’t tell me, Tom would have.
Wouldn’t he?
7 • ATTENTION
KAZ
It does not take long for someone to suggest a singalong. This is a music festival, we have a campfire – a badly tuned acoustic guitar is mandatory. No one is surprised when the person to volunteer one is Owen.
“But it’s up in the van. I’m volunteering the instrument, not to go and get it.” He pulls out his keys and holds them up. “Any takers?”
Ruby’s the one who leans over. “I’ll go. Kaz, you coming with?”
The look she gives me is one of concern. Ruby wants to make sure I’m all right. Her inquisition about Tom has dampened my mood and it’s this that she wants to check on, but this is the best opportunity I’ll hav
e to talk to Owen about Stu and I can’t let it go to waste.
“I’m pleading intense laziness.” I loll further into my chair. “Don’t make me move.”
Ruby shakes her head at me, tells me I’m lame. But that’s it. I get away with it. As soon as she’s clomped off up the hill, I nudge Owen with my toe.
“Can I talk to you for a second?”
RUBY
It’s nice ambling through the field. Everyone’s kind of settled in now, the camps all jumbled up and on top of one another. I pass a group of lads running down the hill with huge letters spelling out the word MOOBS in fluorescent body paint across their chests.
“Moobs for the win!” I call out as they pass. “M” stops and turns to jiggle, making me laugh. It’s cool here. I feel like these are my people – even if my people vary wildly in age. The couple over there must be my parents’ age, although the woman’s wearing a Gold’ntone T-shirt, which makes her tons cooler than my mum.
Not that this would be hard.
Relations between us have kind of broken down after I rang home with my results. There was a moment of silence in which my mum was hoping she’d misheard before she said them out loud and my dad took the phone from her.
“They’re not good enough, Ruby.”
“For what?” Even though I knew exactly what he meant.
“For staying on at St Felicity’s.”
“I could change—”
“Now’s not the time to discuss this.”
Seems like we’re never going to. My parents are determined to book an appointment with the head next week. No mention was made of the alternative – a Kalinski kid in state education? Unheard of. If my parents have anything to do with it, I’ll be back to square one, back in my uniform and back in the classroom. And Kaz’ll be in the year above. Without me.
KAZ
Owen knew that Stu was coming. He’d seen him at the Hydro gig Owen played two nights ago and they’d chatted about what they were doing for bank-holiday weekend: going to Remix.
“Did you say about Ruby?” I ask.
Owen looks miserable. “The matter of Ruby Kalinski provides a conflict of interest between me and Garside. I tend not to mention her unless I have to, so I didn’t. And once I’d decided not to say anything to one, it seemed best to stay quiet to the other.”
“How quiet?”
“Lee doesn’t know.” Owen nods across the campfire to where Lee is currently trying to throw marshmallows into the (generous) target of Dongle’s gaping mouth. “Lee has been blessed with many qualities, but discretion isn’t one of them.”
The same could be said of his sister. Sometimes a little white lie saves a lot of hassle. “So do we stay quiet?”
The movement Owen makes is neither a nod nor a shrug. “Maybe it’s better not to spread the drama. The others aren’t exactly matey with Stu’s lot and it’s not as if I’ll let them invite him over when Ruby’s here.”
I’m about to point out that he won’t always be here, but my phone goes. It’s Tom, and all the other thoughts fall out of my head. I stare at his name on the screen before I remember that the done thing is to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Kaz.” His voice reminds me of all the times I lay in bed balancing my phone on my ear as we talked until we were half-asleep. “What are you up to?”
Don’t make yourself too available, Karizma, I can practically hear Naomi hissing.
“Hanging out at camp with everyone. Owen’s friends. I think you know them. Dongle—”
“Dongle Dave’s here?” Tom interrupts. “That guy’s a legend!”
Unless legends are made from eating pointlessly large quantities of foodstuffs, I’m not sure how Dongle qualifies, but then Tom is proud of the fact that he can burp the alphabet. It’s probably a rugby thing.
“Well, er, yes…” I’ve lost my nonchalance now.
“Do you mind if I come over for a bit?” Tom says. “The lads seem to be pairing off with the girls next to our camp and me and Stella—” I hear a faint “Your name is Stella, isn’t it? I haven’t just been making that up?” and a laugh that I assume means it is. “Me and Stella are feeling a bit gooseberry-ish.”
I try and think back to which one was Stella, but I can’t. Either way, it’s not going to change my answer.
“Of course. I’ll come and meet you by the crossroads.” I tell the others where I’m going, and the mention of Rugby Tom sends Dongle into a chorus of delighted whoops. I deliberately avoid looking at Lee. I’m glad his sister’s not here. Better phone her, though; ambushing her with Tom isn’t likely to put Ruby in the most amenable of moods.
The call goes through to voicemail. The mention of “Stuart Cheating Shitbag Garside” reminds me of the unanswered question of Tom’s new girlfriend. Even as I’m texting her, I dismiss Ruby’s doubts. So what if Tom isn’t keen on being paired off with this Stella girl? It doesn’t mean it’s because he’s already taken. It could be that he doesn’t fancy her – or she doesn’t fancy him.
It could be that he fancies someone else…
Like me.
RUBY
When I get back, bouncing along with Owen’s beaten-up guitar on my shoulder Dick Whittington-style, I’m surprised to find Kaz missing. Before I even sit down, Lee tells me where she’s gone. I try not to look too disappointed. Kaz was too lazy to come for a walk up the hill with me, but she’s fine to toddle off across the other side of the campsite to fetch her ex-boyfriend? How’s that for priorities?
I reach into my pocket to pull out my phone, but it’s not there. Before I can panic, Dongle hands it over. “Kaz tried to call you and this thing started singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ at me, you loser.”
“It’s Kaz’s favourite song,” I lie, reading her message.
Sorry about this – Tom’s friends have abandoned him. Hope you don’t mind him singing along with everyone else? She’s stuck a hopeful-looking emoji on the end. I wish I could punch its tiny little face.
KAZ
Stella is very attractive. She has shoulder-length hair that she’s dyed a pretty pale pink and her eyelashes are impossibly long. As are her limbs. She’s as tall as me and half the width, but for all that, as we’re walking up the South Slope path, it’s my eye that Tom keeps catching. I watch as he talks to Stella, thinking of how perfectly we fit together when his arm’s around me and my fingers flex open, remembering how it was to rest the flat of my hand on his chest and feel the beating of his heart.
Tom turns to ask which way he’s meant to go, his eyes lingering on mine.
The college lot know Tom well enough for me not to bother with introductions, and within minutes I lose him to Dongle, who says he’s been deprived of sports talk since he got here. Stella takes a seat next to Lee while Ruby gestures at the guitar.
“Is that a guitar on your lap or are you just pleased to see me?” Dongle shouts out and Ruby flicks the cap of her beer bottle at him, catching him perfectly on the chin.
“Idiot,” she says. “I was wondering whether Kaz might use it to play something suitably awesome.”
If she’s annoyed with me about Tom, there’s no sign of it. She grins up at me as she hands over the guitar, although when I start up with the first chords of the duet from Frozen, she throws an empty plastic bottle at me (which is preferable to a beer cap, judging by the cut on Dongle’s chin).
Ruby hates that song.
When the laughter dies down, Anna suggests that I play something we’ll hear this weekend: I know exactly what to play.
RUBY
I recognize the intro within a nanosecond. “Everything Ends Midnight.” My – our – favourite Gold’ntone song. It’s not that it doesn’t get to me when Adam Wexler sings it, but there’s something special hearing it Kaz-style. On the track it’s fairly upbeat, despite the gut-grabbing lyrics, but when Kaz takes it and turns it about, the song becomes haunting and hurty.
Watching her like this, singing, losing herself, even though we’re watc
hing, makes me feel fiercely proud. Her voice is perfect and sweet, not like anything I listen to usually, and her expression as she sings makes me feel the meaning more. Lee’s heard her before, but the people who haven’t are all stunned, hypnotized. Not that Kaz has noticed. She likes to sing with her eyes closed – or at the very least concentrated on the floor.
Which means she can’t see me look over at Tom, watching him watching her.
The look on his face differs from everyone else’s. There’s no surprise there, no growing admiration. He looks proud and sad and hungry, as if Kaz is a feast he helped prepare but hasn’t been invited to join.
I don’t look away when he glances over at me. Instead I think of all the times I listened to Kaz cry, rather than sing, as if I can transfer the memories from my head to his. He knows he should not be here and yet there he is, sitting right in Kaz’s eyeline, collar popped on his shirt, healthy-outdoorsy tan at full peak, a clean-living and clean-shaven tick list of all the things Kaz wants in a boy.
When the song draws to a close, Lee leaps up to give a standing ovation and Parvati and Dongle join him. Anna and Owen slap her on the back and tell her she’s amazing. Even new-girl Stella is clapping like she means it. Only Tom and me remain undisturbed amidst all the movement – me still watching him watching her.
8 • TOXIC
KAZ
After five songs, my voice starts to go. The sun’s sunk below the line of trees behind me and my audience has grown. Two girls from a couple of camps over (who I can’t tell apart except for the fact that one has a fringe) asked Dongle whether we had any spare firelighters. I watched as he pushed the carrier bag filled with flammable material further back under his camping chair and invited them to share our fire instead. Given that they’ve brought a couple of bottles of tequila that they show no qualms about sharing, no one else objects.