by Cutter, Leah
Many candles burned in the room, but Xiao Yen shied away from the light. Four women, dressed in bright indoor robes in all the colors of the rainbow, led her farther inside. A large copper tub, filled with warm water, waited on a cold tile floor.
First the women bathed her standing up, outside of the tub, washing the dirt away from her knees, her palms and back, soaping her and pouring warm water over her. They brought her a bucket that she vomited into. Then they led her to the tub, made her sit down, and scrubbed her all over, as if they knew how she felt.
Xiao Yen didn't try to understand what the women said to her. She let their words run together, like in a song. Maybe they were singing to her. She couldn't tell. The women ran their hands over her body while they washed her, as if trying to erase the pressure of those other hands. They brought her a musty-smelling tea, and held her head while she vomited again and again.
When Xiao Yen's fingertips were as wrinkled as an old farmer's face, the women dried her in a soft chamois cloth, wrapped her in a blanket, and led her to a bed. They directed Xiao Yen to lie down. Then a woman lay down on either side of her. They held her between them. At first Xiao Yen squirmed and pushed them away. She didn't want anyone touching her. The women wouldn't go, or leave her alone.
Xiao Yen fled deeper into herself, building up her silence like thick walls. She didn't realize she was crying until she felt a tear fall off her nose and splash onto the pillow. She stayed detached, letting her eyes cry the tears she couldn't allow herself to feel. The women on either side of her didn't say anything, just held her and rocked her. Finally, she slept.
* * *
The women tried to interest Xiao Yen in the robes they chose for her, the food they brought to her, the music they played for her. Xiao Yen stayed locked in a small kernel, deep buried in the pit of her belly. Her walls of silence were many li thick. She didn't count the days she stayed there, how many times the women bathed her, fed her or dressed her. It could have been as few as three, or as many as all the days of her life.
She dreamed once of being a small girl in the Garden of Sweet Scents. She smelled the flowers and the incense, felt the warm sun on her skin, and heard her cousins playing in the family courtyard. Then Wang Tie-Tie came and demanded that Xiao Yen tell a story. Xiao Yen tried, but every story she told disappointed Wang Tie-Tie. No matter what Xiao Yen said, Wang Tie-Tie said it wasn't good enough, she wasn't good enough.
One afternoon the women seemed agitated, like a flock of cranes about to migrate. They vibrated in their brilliant colors. The women explained to Xiao Yen that she was to be presented to Vakhtang. At this news, Xiao Yen felt a heavy weight press down upon her walls. She didn't let herself be bothered by it though. It was just one more thing to ignore.
Then the older woman with the white hair, braided like a crown, touched Xiao Yen's cheek, and said that she hoped Xiao Yen would come back from her evening, and stay with them.
Xiao Yen managed to chip a tiny crack through her silence and said, “I would like that too.” Her voice was hoarse from disuse. She would like to be friends with this woman. Xiao Yen was certain this woman had been kind to her through the countless days. Thinking about being friends with her was easier than not thinking about what would happen that evening.
The woman with the white hair turned to two of the other women and argued with them for a moment. Xiao Yen didn't understand, didn't want to understand. She thought maybe she heard “Jhr Bei” but decided she was wrong.
The older woman won the argument and made Xiao Yen follow her. She led Xiao Yen to a small closet, holding buckets and brooms. The old woman had Xiao Yen stand in front of her. Both of them could barely fit. The woman rested her hands on Xiao Yen's head then looked skyward for a while, lips mumbling. It slowly occurred to Xiao Yen that the woman was praying for her.
When the woman finished, she took Xiao Yen's right hand in her own, and made her reach out and touch the wall. A vague outline of a woman resting on a snake tail was sketched there. Xiao Yen opened her mouth to ask, but the older woman shook her head. Xiao Yen let the silence close back down around her.
The woman with the braids led Xiao Yen to a side room. Only two items filled the room: a low bench heaped with pillows, and an elegant wooden dressing table. Xiao Yen sat and looked straight ahead as different women applied makeup, eyeliner, rouge, and color for her lips. She traced the pattern of leaping fish edging the top of the table, losing herself in the design. The women continued to be gentle with her, flitting around the room like butterflies.
One woman came up from behind, took Xiao Yen's hair down, and began brushing it. Xiao Yen closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the sensual strokes. She would like to be friends with these women, if she survived her night with Vakhtang. Maybe, they could help her recover. She took a deep breath, her first in uncountable days. She let the air fill her belly, then expand upward, loosing her ribs. It felt good. She concentrated on her next breath, when the woman who had been brushing her hair, twisted it, pulling it sharply. Xiao Yen didn't open her eyes, but tried to breathe again. Then the woman behind her jabbed a hairpin into her hair, hard enough that it scraped Xiao Yen's scalp.
Xiao Yen opened her eyes and looked in the mirror.
Bei Xi stood behind her, holding a second, very familiar, hairpin in her hand.
Hope flared through Xiao Yen, like fire blossoming across dry prairie grass. Her legs twitched. Her fingers tingled as they came alive, all the knowledge of her years of study flooding back into them. The water she hid her full consciousness under drained away. She half turned to Bei Xi, to ask her how she'd gotten there, how she'd gotten the hairpin, what they needed to do now.
Bei Xi lifted a single finger to her lips, asking for Xiao Yen's silence.
Xiao Yen made herself turn back around, keeping her movements languid. Bei Xi didn't want to be recognized, not yet. Xiao Yen still had to deal with Vakhtang by herself. A rush of vengeance swept through her.
She didn't feel the second hairpin going into her hair, but she felt the weight on her head. She looked in the mirror again. Bei Xi was gone. Xiao Yen nodded to herself, opened her eyes wide and looked around the room. She yawned and stretched, as if she'd just come awake after a long sleep.
Then she began to plan.
Chapter Fourteen
Bao Fang
Xiao Yen walked through the southern gate of Bao Fang as the early morning bells rang in the hour of the Dragon. The air still held a little of the evening cool, but the sun would soon bake it away. A man selling sweet steamed buns—Xiao Yen's favorite—called to her, but she hurried past. She didn't want to be late.
No one greeted her at the gate to her family's compound. They hadn't been expecting her. It was only by luck that she'd been able to come. In the competition for the privilege of going home, Fat Fang had won just the day before, and would be home for three days. However, during the night, most of the students had come down with a stomach sickness. Master Wei had canceled all classes.
Xiao Yen did, but didn't, want to go home that day. On the one hand, it was Wang Tie-Tie's birthday. The entire family, as well as many guests, would be there. Xiao Yen should be there too. On the other hand, Xiao Yen needed more time to study. There was always too much to do at school. Besides her own studies into the essence of nature and its creatures, she now had younger students to whom she taught basic folding. Plus, Xiao Yen feared the inevitable fight that she'd have with her mother.
The off-white tiles in the Yard of Greeting glittered. Old Gardener had sprinkled water mixed with oil around the courtyard. The quiet seeped into Xiao Yen's skin. She stood for a moment, admiring the solid nature of the Hall of Politeness. The dark wood, the shape of the building, made it seem like a hill, placed there by the King of Heaven, immovable, immutable. Xiao Yen wanted to stay and listen to the brass bells under the eaves tell their secrets, but she had other duties.
She stepped through the round moon gateway separating the formal courtyard from the family co
urtyard. Chaos reigned there. Servants hurried from one end to the other, carrying food and platters from the kitchen storage areas to the Garden of Sweet Scents. They also carried pillows, small tables, and trays loaded with wrapped packages from the storage rooms. Xiao Yen heard her mother yelling at one of the servants, then saw the woman scurrying out with an outfit, obviously the wrong one.
Xiao Yen slipped out of the courtyard into her old room. A pristine cover lay across her bed, three new candles sat in the holder on the windowsill. No one stayed in the room now. Gan Ou lived with her new husband. She'd already birthed one feisty son and was expecting her second child. Xiao Yen's cousin, Wang Tie-Tie's youngest son, had recently had a baby girl, who might inherit the room when the girl grew older. For now, it was saved for Xiao Yen on her infrequent visits.
Xiao Yen opened the dresser and pulled out a jacket her mother had given her on New Year's Day. It was made out of silk dyed the same orange as a setting sun in autumn, with golden bamboo circles sewn on it. Bamboo represented youth because toys were often made from it. It simultaneously represented old age, as the tree was an evergreen. It was the perfect symbol for a gift from a mother to her youngest child. Xiao Yen also liked it because paper was often made from bamboo, though she was certain her mother hadn't thought of that when she'd had the jacket made.
Xiao Yen slipped out of her school clothes, a simple dark blue jacket with no embroidery, into the other jacket. It fit tightly across her chest when she buttoned it, and when she held her arms straight out in front of her, the jacket pulled across her back and the sleeves slid up to the middle of her forearms.
Xiao Yen sighed, hoping she could hide from Fu Be Be how small the jacket had grown in half a year's time. Her mother thought her daughter's muscles unseemly, and had commented more than once that Xiao Yen resembled one of the boys who carried buckets of water from the city well to the shops and temples. Xiao Yen rolled her shoulders. She had to be strong to do her magic, to hold her hands out in front of her and fold for hours, her arms weaving, graceful, supporting nimble fingers. She liked the way her muscles felt when she rubbed her hands over them. She resolved to keep her arms close to her chest, folded, and to try to not reach for anything.
Xiao Yen took a deep breath, catching at the silence Master Wei had shown her, the one that lived deep inside her. She glimpsed her quiet place—the river, the bright sunlight, the verdant pines. She had an impulse to wrap it around her like armor. She laughed at herself. What was she protecting herself from? She was with her family. She should feel happy and safe.
She listened for a moment. The chaos in the courtyard continued. Xiao Yen couldn't hide any longer. She hoped the guests might soften her mother's tongue when she saw her youngest daughter. Xiao Yen pulled a folded item out of her bag, tucked it into her too-short sleeve, then opened the door just a crack and looked from side to side. She could still hear her mother, but she didn't see her. Xiao Yen sneaked around the courtyard, staying next to the shadowed wall. She bowed her head as she passed the hurrying servants.
Wang Tie-Tie's room stood on the sunny side of the courtyard. One of her aunt's maids opened the door at Xiao Yen's knock and bowed to let Xiao Yen enter.
Wang Tie-Tie sat before her dressing table. The powder she applied to her face made her skin glow in the candlelight like a pink peony, but it couldn't hide the wrinkles lining her eyes and mouth.
Xiao Yen went to Wang Tie-Tie, knelt next to her feet and placed her forehead on the cool floor. “Happy birthday, Wang Tie-Tie,” she said. “May you have ten thousand more years to brighten all our lives.” She reached into her sleeve. “Please accept this inadequate gift from your unworthy niece,” she said, handing her aunt a beautifully folded peach made out of paper dyed an orange-yellow with red tinges.
“My dear Xiao Yen,” Wang Tie-Tie said, accepting the gift. “I shall treasure this more than any other gift I receive today.”
Xiao Yen had employed special folding techniques to make the peach seem round. The paper was so fine that when Wang Tie-Tie held the peach up to a candle, light streamed through it, making it glow like a little sun. Master Wei had ordered the paper for her from the Emperor's papermaker in Xian, the capital. A second piece, dyed green and folded into a serrated leaf, accented the peach-colored paper.
Wang Tie-Tie called over a maid and handed the gift to her. “Place this on the table of gifts, so all the guests may see it.”
The maid bowed low and carried the peach in both hands, careful to not crush it.
Wang Tie-Tie took Xiao Yen's hand and looked at her. The skin on the back of Wang Tie-Tie's hand felt softer than the ermine fur Master Wei had brought in for the students to study. The bones underneath it were like winter twigs. Even in the dim light Xiao Yen felt the intensity of Wang Tie-Tie's gaze. She stayed very still, as though she'd been transformed into a small creature under Master Wei's examining glass.
Finally Wang Tie-Tie turned to the remaining maid and said, “Go fetch a pillow, you lazy thing. Xiao Yen shouldn't have to rest on the cold floor like a peasant.” The maid winked at Xiao Yen as she hurried to the next room.
Wang Tie-Tie turned back to Xiao Yen, let go of her hand, and asked, “Are you doing well at school?”
“Master Wei's an excellent teacher. It's a privilege to study under him. Every day I learn more about nature and the creatures within it,” Xiao Yen replied. Not even her aunt really wanted to hear what she did at school. Or how overwhelmed she felt.
Wang Tie-Tie continued peering at Xiao Yen as she said, “You'll need to study more. You need to learn about things beyond your paper folding. I'll send you some books. I expect you to do well in all your studies.”
“I will, Aunt,” Xiao Yen replied. She didn't let her despair show in her face. She was already drowning in work. What did it matter if her aunt poured a bucket of water on her head? She reminded herself that she was lucky to be at school, lucky to have such an aunt. Maybe she could sleep less.
Wang Tie-Tie sucked in her breath then asked, “How are the mock battles going? Are you doing better?”
Xiao Yen replied defensively, “I fold well. I'm the best at the school. Not just my creatures, but the way I do it. Master Wei says I follow nature in both my folding and in what I fold. I assist him in the beginning folding class.”
Wang Tie-Tie smiled a very possessive smile. “You spent much time observing nature when you were a girl. I made sure of that. You've always been good at imagining. You could work harder, I'm sure. But your fighting. Master Wei said you had some problems.”
“Maybe it isn't in my nature to fight,” Xiao Yen said.
“You're my niece. You can fight, and win. And you will. Or do you want to shame your family?”
Xiao Yen looked down at her hands, sitting so still on her knees. A knot formed in her throat, holding the tears Xiao Yen never dared to shed.
“My precious jade flower, my little sparrow,” Wang Tie-Tie said, her voice now soft and gentle.
Xiao Yen looked up. Wang Tie-Tie rarely used this voice with her anymore.
“Do you think I don't know it's hard? So far from your family, every day with strangers, learning a difficult, demanding craft? But if jade isn't polished, it can't become a thing of use. And you want to become a priceless jewel, the star of your family, don't you?”
Xiao Yen felt her jacket strain as she took a deep breath. She looked beyond Wang Tie-Tie to the small altar dedicated to Zhang Gua Lao against the wall. In the twinkling candlelight the immortal's eyes remained hard, as unimpressed as small black pebbles.
Wang Tie-Tie's voice grew harsher. “Don't you want to do your duty, your xiao, to your family?” Wang Tie-Tie asked this question of her almost every time they met.
Xiao Yen replied, “Yes, I do.”
“And that is?” Wang Tie-Tie asked, the next phrase in their litany.
“To study hard, do well at school, and do great deeds,” Xiao Yen replied by rote.
Wang Tie-Tie reached out and with her
soft, wrinkled fingertips, caressed Xiao Yen's cheek. “Old Zhang will notice you. You'll perform some great deed, and he'll offer to reward you.”
Xiao Yen didn't know what to say. She never did.
She'd asked Master Wei about great deeds. He'd said they were most often performed in battle. Though there were rumors of raids by the horsemen who lived up north, against the villages that bordered their lands, there were no wars. The Middle Kingdom had been at peace for all of Xiao Yen's life. The Great Merchant route to the west was open. Foreigners and foreign goods poured into the capital every day. Where would Xiao Yen perform her great deed? Would she have to go to some frontier? The only fighting she ever heard about happened with bandits. Could she perform a great deed by fighting a bandit and his minions?
Wang Tie-Tie sat up, her backbone becoming like iron. She looked away, but kept her voice soft as she asked, as always, “And you'll remember your ancient Wang Tie-Tie, and everything's she's done for you, won't you?”
Xiao Yen's words tumbled out of her mouth, “Of course I'll remember you, Wang Tie-Tie. You've done so much for me. You've made everything possible for me. Of course I will remember you if I meet Zhang Gua Lao.”
Wang Tie-Tie sighed. She patted Xiao Yen's head and paused before she continued her line of the litany. “I'm so tired of this endless circle. I've been on this earth too many cycles. I want to leave this valley of tears, and watch over my descendants, and their descendants, and theirs as well.”
Xiao Yen thought she saw the glitter of a tear in the candlelight. She looked down, and when she looked up again, the tear was gone. Maybe she'd just imagined it.
* * *
It took a moment for Xiao Yen's eyes to adjust to the sunlight when she stepped from Wang Tie-Tie's candlelit rooms. She knew she must go greet her mother. Before she could make herself do so, she heard Gan Ou call her name.