by Cutter, Leah
He made the best of it, replacing his brightest smile with his second best while saying, “Please, come into my shop.” He indicated that they should sit at the low table. He instructed his assistant to show them any cloth they wanted, then excused himself, returning to the back of the shop.
Bing Yu ordered the assistant around, having him display first one bolt of cloth, then another. She fingered each, and asked Xiao Yen's opinion on the quality of the silk, the weave of the cloth, the color and the pattern. Xiao Yen liked tighter woven cloth. Wang Tie-Tie had told her it would last longer because it had more threads. Bing Yu liked the looser woven cloth, because it draped better, and would be cooler in the summer.
They also disagreed on colors and patterns. Bing Yu's favorite was a shocking pink, brighter than the petunias in the Garden of Sweet Scents, embroidered with golden cranes. Xiao Yen liked the darker colors and more subtle patterns. Her favorite was a rich blue, the color of the river Quang on a cloudy day, covered with rings of lucky bats done in a lighter blue.
After the temple bells tolled once to mark the hour of the Sheep, Bing Yu and Xiao Yen left the store. Xiao Yen felt sorry for the poor clerks who would have to put away all the bolts of cloth scattered across the table. She knew better than to say anything to Bing Yu.
“Where do you want to go now?” Bing Yu asked Xiao Yen as they put on their own shoes.
“I should return home,” Xiao Yen replied. She felt guilty for being gone so long. Yet it had been nice to be with a friend for the afternoon.
“I'll walk you halfway there,” Bing Yu said, linking arms again.
Xiao Yen pretended to know the people Bing Yu gossiped about as they walked, adding an appropriate, “No”, “Really?”, and “She didn't!”
When they reached the main road going south Xiao Yen, instead of turning toward her family's compound, turned north and said, “I'll walk with you a little farther.”
Bing Yu asked, “Why? I thought you needed to get home, and be a proper daughter again.”
Xiao Yen didn't pay attention to the teasing tone in her friend's voice. “I do need to go home. But I want to stop at the well and make an offering to Jing Long first.”
Bing Yu laughed so loudly that another pair of girls stared at them as they passed by.
“What's so funny?” Xiao Yen asked. More passersby stared. Xiao Yen blushed. What had she said?
“Now I understand why you seem unbalanced!” Bing Yu explained. “Don't be angry,” she added quickly. “It's all part of a pattern, see? When I told you about meeting my fiancé, you were shocked, like an old woman. When we went shopping, you liked somber colors. Now, you want to go make an offering to Jing Long. Only old people believe in those stories or make offerings to the city dragon anymore.” Bing Yu paused dramatically.
Xiao Yen didn't understand the point Bing Yu was trying to make.
With an exaggerated sigh, Bing Yu continued. “Don't you see? You're a perfect replica of Wang Tie-Tie!”
Xiao Yen jerked her head back as if Bing Yu had slapped her. How could Bing Yu say that? It sounded like something Fu Be Be or Gan Ou might say.
“I am not just like Wang Tie-Tie,” Xiao Yen said. Wang Tie-Tie was beautiful and elegant. Fu Be Be had told Xiao Yen often that her broad shoulders made her ugly. Wang Tie-Tie was old and wise. Xiao Yen felt like an infant next to her.
Bing Yu said, “It might be your fate. Or it might not be. Maybe you could try to be someone else. Like your sister. Or even—” she paused “—like me.”
Xiao Yen held herself still. Who did she want to be like? Most children were like either their mother or their father. Did she want to be similar to Wang Tie-Tie? At the edge of her mind's eye she saw another figure approach, someone else that she could be like.
Bing Yu interrupted Xiao Yen's thoughts before Xiao Yen could get a good look. “Do you believe in the stories of Jing Long? That it will rise up out of the well and defend Bao Fang if it's attacked?”
“Of course,” Xiao Yen replied. Why shouldn't she believe that? Everyone knew dragons lived in water. The two city dragons, Jing Long and the river dragon had battles every spring, fighting for dominance. That was why they had thunderstorms. Hadn't Bing Yu heard them?
“Fat Fang says there's no magic at the old well. He said he's never seen any.”
Now it was Xiao Yen's turn to smile. “Master Wei has never taught us to ‘see' magic. He says it's possible, but unreliable. I'm not surprised Fat Fang has never seen magic at the well.”
“So you don't know for certain if the dragon is there or not?” Bing Yu asked.
Xiao Yen paused. “I get a feeling something is there.”
Now it was Bing Yu's turn to be surprised. “Really?” she breathed out the word as if she didn't want anyone else to hear. “Let's go look.” Bing Yu grabbed Xiao Yen's arm and hurried with her through the crowded street.
Xiao Yen regretted saying anything. This was worse than Wang Tie-Tie's birthday party, with her mother asking her to perform.
The well sat in the center of Bao Fang. The streets from the four main gates ran to it. A waist-high wall of red rounded bricks surrounded the well. On the south side of the well the water boys plied their trade. There were always a couple around, ready to help someone carry water to their compound for a fee. Some of the boys had regular routes, and came at certain times to fill up their buckets.
On the north side of the well sat a small wooden altar on a spindly table. Every spring the monks repainted the altar red, and touched up the picture of golden Jing Long rising toward heaven in the center. The altar looked as solid as the bricks, with three flat planks rising out of a base. Below each plank, in the base, three cups had been carved.
Two of the younger water boys watched Xiao Yen and Bing Yu as they approached. One sniggered when they went around toward the altar. An older man cuffed him.
Xiao Yen bowed as she approached the altar. From a distance the altar looked impressive. Up close she saw it hadn't been taken care of. The flowers placed on it had dried long ago. The bowls were empty, even the center one that should have had pure water in it for Jing Long's use, should the dragon choose to manifest. Though the altar was painted every spring, now it was fall, and the paint was faded and chipped.
After Xiao Yen bowed to the altar, she walked back around to where the water boys stood. Without a word she handed the old man a coin. He bowed in return, glaring at the younger boys who sat giggling. He gave Xiao Yen a small silver cup, filled to the brim with water. Xiao Yen's hands grew cold instantly when she wrapped them around the cup.
She went back to the altar, poured the pure water into the center bowl, and sought the peace she generally felt at a temple. But she couldn't find her calm. She was too distracted by the noise of the boys getting more water out of the well, the people passing behind her, the calls of a fish merchant. She said a brief prayer for her family then started walking back home.
“Wait!” Bing Yu called.
Xiao Yen stopped. She'd forgotten her friend.
“Did you see any magic?”
Xiao Yen had to admit she hadn't seen or felt anything.
“That's because there's nothing there,” Bing Yu said triumphantly. “And you looked like a silly old woman, pouring water on that altar. The boys will steal the water back and sell it again.”
Xiao Yen shrugged off her friend's comments. It was right to show respect, even if Jing Long didn't live at the bottom of the well. She was certain the dragon existed. Pretty sure.
Bing Yu peered at her friend for a moment then walked next to the well. She cleared her throat. For a horrifying moment Xiao Yen thought Bing Yu was going to spit in the well, but instead, she spat next to it.
When Bing Yu turned to face Xiao Yen again, she broke into loud laughter. She came up to Xiao Yen and put her arm around Xiao Yen's shoulders. “You looked so much like Wang Tie-Tie just then, so proper and shocked.” She leaned forward, kissed her friend on the cheek, and said good-bye.
&
nbsp; Before Xiao Yen could go, Bing Yu caught her hands and asked seriously, “If you're so old now, when will you be young? When will you be young enough to get married and have children?”
Xiao Yen didn't know the answer. She rubbed her lucky amulet as she walked back to her family compound, hoping it would show her a sign, but it didn't reply.
Chapter Nineteen
On the Trail
Stark streams of sunlight poured through the trees, striking Xiao Yen's arms, then sliding off as she moved. Mossy ground gave way under her feet. She pulled breath deep into her belly, letting the dark pine forest smells warm her nostrils. Birdsong came alive over her head.
Xiao Yen stepped out widely then had to shift her foot. She'd landed in the wrong pose. Again. She rested in her stance—Spreading Phoenix Feathers—and forced herself to concentrate. Her mind kept going back to Tuo Nu's powerful elephant, to Udo's sudden warmth, to her overpowering silence in the days after those men in the courtyard—to Vakhtang, growing cold beside her—to her dream of him, the second night in a row, staring and silent. She'd tried to approach him, to speak with him, to say that she was sorry, but her words had no sound.
Xiao Yen exhaled sharply, coming back to the streaming light and dark forest. She did the next step in the form, and the next, concentrating on pushing off the ground, the flow of qi and her breath. As she warmed up her movements began to flow. She went from one pose to the next, folding her body as she would fold paper, bringing up one leg, then discovering it and pulling it out, like how she found the legs of a deer from the center of a folded piece and brought them out.
Though Xiao Yen kept her eyes open, she ignored her surroundings. Instead, she tried to see her quiet place, the glassy river, clear, quiet, calm. The familiar movements helped. She did, but didn't, want to find it. She missed her calm, almost more than her luck or her family. Without deep waters, she felt diminished, and magic was almost impossible. On the other hand, the river frightened her. It had overpowered her, locking her in thick walls of silence.
Her place came into focus, piece by piece. Unfiltered sunlight beat down on the brilliant green banks. The water shone silver and gray, reflecting the light like a mirror. Xiao Yen stood some distance away from the flowing river. She didn't want to get any closer.
She knew she must.
She concentrated on her feet, not on the flowing water, and took a step forward. Then another.
“Xiao Yen!”
The pine forest surrounded her again. She no longer saw her center. She flowed from the pose she stood in—her left arm across her chest, hand extended, the other curved behind her—to the next, reversing her arms, hoping to recapture where she'd been.
Someone shouted her name a second time.
Xiao Yen let her arms drop and bowed her head, as if in prayer. Next time she'd get closer to her calm. She ignored the sinking feeling in her chest. She would get closer.
Someone called her name a third time.
Before she could reply to the caller, someone else, close behind her, replied for her.
“She's here.”
Xiao Yen turned around. Tuo Nu stood under the trees behind her.
“What were you doing?” he asked. “Were you practicing your magic? I saw traces of your mage light, over your head.”
Xiao Yen put away her grief and studied the man in front of her. His scholar's beard moved in a slight breeze Xiao Yen didn't feel. His eyes engulfed her, devoured her, trying to puzzle out everything about her. He hadn't been hostile to her, even though she was a rival mage. He was unfailingly polite at all times. She still didn't trust him. She didn't want to answer his questions either. Instead, she asked, “What do you mean by ‘mage light'?” Bei Xi had taught her to see magic in shadows, not light.
“Don't you see magic by light?” Tuo Nu asked.
Xiao Yen refused to give in to his questioning. He wasn't as bad as Gan Ou, but only slightly better. She started walking toward camp and returned his question with a question. “Is that how you see magic? Through light?”
“Sometimes,” Tuo Nu replied as he hurried to catch up with her. “But it isn't reliable. Were you just practicing magic?”
“I was trying to find my center,” Xiao Yen said. She regretted the words as they slipped out. When was she going to learn to not say the first thing that came into her head? She no longer had her luck to protect her when she said the wrong thing.
“Your center? That's interesting. When I seek my center, I stay completely still, in a dark place. I can't move in bright sunlight and find it,” Tuo Nu replied.
Xiao Yen slowed down. Maybe she should talk with Tuo Nu. She'd never talked with another mage about magic.
“I can find my center without moving too, at night, when I'm lying on my bed,” Xiao Yen replied as she walked into the clearing.
“You're so powerful,” Tuo Nu said.
Xiao Yen snorted.
“You are!” Tuo Nu protested. “I can only find my center using one method, not two.”
Xiao Yen stopped and looked at him. “Maybe our magic is just different,” she said.
“Maybe,” Tuo Nu replied in a noncommittal way.
Udo called, “Xiao Yen!” He hurried over to them. “Are you well?” he asked, staring at Tuo Nu.
“Of course,” she said. What was Udo worried about?
The horses and the wagon stood just beyond the trees. One of the horses' halters jingled as it shook its head.
“What were you doing, out in the woods, alone? Haven't I told you not to go off like that?” Udo kept staring at Tuo Nu.
“She was practicing magic,” Tuo Nu said.
“Were you?” Udo turned to look at Xiao Yen. His gaze softened.
Xiao Yen whispered, “I was.”
“You're sure you're not hurt?” Udo asked. He reached out a hand to touch her elbow. Xiao Yen shied away. She didn't want anyone touching her, didn't like to be touched, not since Vakhtang's. “Xiao Yen?” Udo asked.
Finally Xiao Yen understood. Her cheeks grew warm. She remembered the last time Udo had found her alone in the woods, with Ehran. He was trying to protect her from Tuo Nu.
“I'm fine, Udo. Tuo Nu was like a lord in other lord's garden.” She wanted to tell him that Tuo Nu wasn't Ehran, or like those guards, those men who forced her to—
She squashed the memory and said, “Let's go.”
“You be careful, ja?” Udo said. He shot one more glare at Tuo Nu then walked away, toward Ehran.
The brothers were happy to be reunited, though Ehran had avoided Xiao Yen last night. She suspected he was still embarrassed that she'd “saved” him from Bei Xi.
Xiao Yen shrugged at Tuo Nu, indicating her puzzlement, then went to her horse. Udo obviously didn't trust Tuo Nu, and wanted her to stay away from him. Xiao Yen wanted to follow Udo's wishes, but that would be difficult. Tuo Nu was a mage who spoke her language, and who asked many questions.
* * *
The torrent from Tuo Nu continued while they rode. “Do you have special times of the month when you practice? Or are all times good for you? Is that just you, or for all paper mages?
“Who do you pray to? Do all paper mages pray to Zhang Gua Lao? Or is it just you?
“How do you choose your paper? Do you all do it that way?”
Xiao Yen tried to respond with her own barrage of questions, but Tuo Nu always asked two questions to any one she asked. After a while, she saw a pattern, and said, “Why do you keep asking me if all mages do it the way I do?”
Tuo Nu was silent for a moment before he replied, “I've never met, or even heard of, a female mage.”
Xiao Yen didn't reply. Of course. Girls were supposed to stay at home, get married, give birth to sons. Not practice magic, go traveling with foreigners, or fight.
Or kill.
She pushed away her guilt and pulled on her reins to slow her horse so she no longer rode beside Tuo Nu. She knew she shouldn't blame the other mage. If she continued to practice magic, she would
always be treated like this, always stared at, always questioned. No wonder very few people ever saw or met mages. No wonder only their works were visible. She sighed. It seemed like such a hard life, always being alone, even with other mages. Maybe she should get married when she returned. Gan Ou or Fu Be Be could find her a husband. Giving up her magic didn't seem so difficult now. She'd already lost so much peace. She felt ten thousand years old.
Xiao Yen watched the trees, trying to draw comfort from their silence, since her own remained elusive. They were shorter than the trees behind Master Wei's school. Many pines mingled with the hardwoods. Yellow lichen grew on the west sides of some of the trees, and large mushrooms blossomed like ears. The wind usually blew from the east, and sometimes Xiao Yen thought she caught the scent of salt from the ocean. The ground was mossy, moist.
Tuo Nu came back to ride next to Xiao Yen after a while. “I've been selfish, haven't I? I ask you many questions, and never reply to yours. What do you want to know?”
“What are we protecting?” Xiao Yen asked. She'd asked this question more than once, but neither Ehran or Tuo Nu had responded.
“The wagon,” he said, gesturing toward it.
It was a two-wheeled wagon, rimmed with iron. It held tents, cooking gear, and three round, wooden barrels.
“Spices?” Xiao Yen asked. She knew some spices, like black pepper, were worth a lord's ransom.
“Better. Magic herbs. We call it ‘the Breath of God,' or ‘the Wind of God.'“ Tuo Nu chuckled. “When I was with my master, the other apprentices and I called it ‘God's Glue.'“
“Oh,” Xiao Yen said, still not enlightened.
“Don't you use magic herbs sometimes to help you in your magic?” he asked, incredulous.
Xiao Yen replied, “No, my master thought it was unnecessary. He said discipline, practicing every day, should be enough. If you relied on powders, you were less of a mage. He also said he'd heard many claims about many different powders, but he'd never known any that had worked.”