by Hanna, K. T.
She shrugs and takes a step to the side, not wanting comfort of any sort. “I have to be.”
He smiles sadly at her and beckons to Aishke. “Just for now.” They leave the room with a swish of his coat.
Sai turns to watch as Dom and Mathur fiddle with the dominos, bouncing on the balls of her feet to release some of the tension flooding her. The reaction time of both her feet and legs are off the charts—for a human. “I’m not quite human anymore,” she murmurs under her breath.
“What?” Dom is standing close to her, concern on that unique face of his. “You’re what?”
“Huh?” She blinks at him, only belatedly aware that she spoke her thoughts audibly. Or else he eavesdropped. About to chide him, she stops as sirens blare throughout Alpha.
“What’s happening?”
Report to stations immediately. Teams Four, Six, and Seven to the docking area.
Dom’s eyes flash through a sequence of colors before he answers. “They hit Mobile Ksi. They’re calling salvage and recovery teams to alert.”
Sai gulps. “Already…”
Dom scans the now-vacant room and gently tugs on her hand, leading her out. “It’s your day off from this. You need to rest.”
“I’m perfectly fine to go.” Sai stops and crosses her arms. “I’m not fragile.”
“No one is saying you are, but you’ve been going nonstop since she died, Sai.” Dom glances up and down the hall before stepping in front of her and grabbing her shoulders gently. “You need to let up on yourself. There are plenty of us. Let someone else deal with this tonight. If I’m not mistaken, Mason is already on the way.”
Sai opens her mouth and thinks for a second before actually speaking. “He shouldn’t be going in his state.”
Dom steps back and looks at her. If he could express it properly, she knows it’d be incredulous, but instead he seems mildly threatening. “And you’re going to tell him this?”
“Well…” She glares at him. “No.”
“You can talk to me about it if you like.”
And suddenly she knows he doesn’t mean Mason. He means what she said about not being human, about…she can’t even bring herself to think it.
“I know, but right now—” She glances at her watch and smiles. “Right now I have to meet Aishke. If you’re really okay without me, I did promise her.”
He nods. “The damage is already done there. Jeffries and Marlene went with them.”
The words are heavy, and she fights the brief impulse to go with him anyway. She forces herself to set off toward her broken apartment at a comfortable jog.
There’s a subtle shift in the floor whenever a transport leaves the Mobile. Her legs have become far more attuned to it since her accident. It shifts three times before Sai gets to the apartment, and she has to stop herself from turning around. There’s food on the tables, fresh stuff. It’s a nice change since it started being rationed.
Sai glances around and notices the light squeal in the air that means the steam shower was just used. She hesitates before picking up a piece of cheese and sitting down to wait for Aishke. It’s not long before her friend walks out of her bedroom, dressed comfortably and looking far too weary for someone their age.
“Can’t believe you didn’t go.” Her words are soft, with a hint of surprise.
“Dom wouldn’t let me.”
Aishke laughs. “That explains it then.”
They munch on their food in silence, but Sai can’t help watching her friend. The way Aishke is eating. The shifty movement of her eyes to look at everything in the apartment but Sai. “What’s wrong?”
Aishke glances up from her food, a tiny bit of tomato sauce running down her chin. “Sorry?”
“You won’t make eye contact, you usually talk with your mouth full, and you never let your hair get damp unless you’re going to wash it. It’s so tangled there’s no way you sacrificed your three minutes to wash it today. What gives?” Sai cringes inwardly, worried she may have come off a little harsher than intended.
“Sorry.” Aishke blushes and looks away again. “I’ve just… I really want to talk to you and what I have to say isn’t easy for me.”
“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” Sai moves closer and is taken aback when Aishke’s hand juts out to keep her away.
“You don’t get it. What I have to tell you, I have to tell you to help you.” She breathes in, her shoulders shaking. “You’re not dealing, Sai. You’re not letting go. You’ve been there for me ever since Bastian placed me in your care. Now, it’s my turn.”
Sai straightens up and crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not about turns. You don’t do something for someone hoping for something in return.”
Aishke laughs softly, but it doesn’t sound happy. “You would give someone the skin off your back if you thought it would spare them pain. You’re about to work yourself into the ground to single-handedly defeat the GNW.”
Sai mutters under her breath. “It’s only been a week…”
“None of this, ‘It’s only been a week.’ You’re only upright because you’re speed-healing yourself!” Aishke’s glare silences any comeback. “It’s my turn to try and take care of you because right now you’re being unreasonable about everything. I’m worried. Mason, Mathur, Dom, Jeffries…they’re worried, too. Now sit down, shut up, and for once in your life just listen.”
Sai all but stumbles into the chair. Aishke has never been this forceful. Aishke has never been this grown up before. And so, she nods. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“Real listening. No pretending, no interrupting—just listen and try to understand.” Aishke’s tone is firm and her jaw is set.
Sai nods. and Aishke smiles shyly, taking a deep breath.
“Everyone knows you had issues when your abilities awoke. You’re aware I had my own…difficulties. But I don’t think you understand the extent of them. I didn’t get psionics at puberty. In fact, we thought I wouldn’t have any awakened abilities at all, even though my birth parents both had the gene. If everything had just kept on its merry way, Sai, I wouldn’t even be here today. I wouldn’t be a psionic.”
Sai bites her tongue to stop herself from saying anything. She fidgets, her fingers intertwining with one another, and waits, knowing as soon as Ash is ready, she’ll speak again.
Aishke’s gaze is riveted on a spot on the ground. “I had a fight with my mother. The worst fight I’ve ever had. It was about Mason, the GNW, her place in the GNW, her plans for me—which never seemed to include what I wanted. I’ve never been so angry in my life, so full of rage and hatred. All I wanted was for her to shut up…”
A few tears slip down Aishke’s face, washing away the errant tomato sauce in the process. In an odd way, as it drips onto her clean shirt, it mimics diluted blood.
“I just wanted her to stop speaking to me like I was still a child, you know?” Aishke’s breath falters as she swallows a sob. “It didn’t work like that—nothing worked like that. I should have known…”
She sniffs and looks directly at Sai, pale violet eyes bright with unshed tears. “Something snapped. I saw red, my anger boiled over, and I wanted everything gone—everything. Me, her, the house, the world, everyone and everything.” The tears are a steady stream of liquid regret. “I almost did it. Everything in front of me suddenly erupted in this huge explosion—the walls the doors, the ceiling…”
Aishke pauses and hugs her arms around herself. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, just briefly, before continuing in a soft, pained tone. “I should be dead, Sai. I should, but even as much as I hated her right then, even though she had to have known it was me calling down chaos on our heads…she saved me.” Aishke waits for a moment before continuing. “She jumped toward me and wrapped herself around me and shielded me from the debris falling around us. The debris I caused.
“I killed her, Sai. While I may not have realized that wishing with all my might would unlock something, I killed m
y whole household, and the person I aimed everything at was the same person who loved me so much that she died saving me.” Aishke shudders, still fighting the sobs as her shoulders shake. Her voice hitches, and all Sai wants to do is hug her and soothe away that pain.
“So, I know, Sai. I know about wanting to die because you think someone died in your place. Only I wanted my mother to die. For a split-second, I truly wanted it to happen. I willed my power to wake up and I sentenced her to death. And do you know how I dealt with that?” She waits, gaze focused on Sai, expectant.
Sai never realized how deep Ash’s trauma went, even after hours of shared space while practicing with the core. It was remiss; she should have asked. “How?”
“You and Bastian and your faith in me. Mason’s love for me ,even though he knows what I did, and Dom’s belief that I’m strong enough to be an asset to everyone—to help far more people than I’ve harmed.” Aishke pulls herself up, tears still glistening on her cheeks. Her back straight, she stands proud, almost smug at the position she maneuvered herself into.
Sai can’t help the blush that rises, nor the scorn she feels for herself upon recognizing the self-recrimination she’s been wallowing in since Iria’s death.
“She knew you could teach people techniques to defend themselves with, and she knew you’re stubborn enough to dig your heels in and do everything you can for that freedom you so cherish.”
Aishke lowers herself and kneels, placing her hands over Sai’s. “Don’t let her death be in vain. Don’t let her faith be misplaced. Don’t lose the strong person you are just because of one lost friend. Honor her and everyone else who fights this fight. Stop blaming yourself, please?” She rests her head on Sai’s knees, and her red-tinged hair falls, hiding her face.
“I will.” Sai nods and strokes her back as Aishke lets the rest of her tears pour out. “It’s never just about one person,” she murmurs, not sure if her friend is listening. “Sometimes I lose sight of that.”
The Mobile feels eerily empty as Sai closes the door behind her. There’s no bright smile to greet her, no cascading laughter or joke so stupid it’s funny. Even the halls seem dimmer with Iria gone.
Sai steps into a jog, concentrating on the motion to distract her. Stopping and starting abruptly, testing her legs and endurance. She frowns for a moment as her heel slips and realizes there’s a few drops of condensation dripping down from the ceiling. It must have been a cold night. Still, as long as it’s not her legs.
She jogs along the corridor, marveling at the lack of people. It’s unusual for her to be awake this early. Usually she sleeps as long as she can after fitful nights of tossing and turning. But Aishke’s wise words sit with her, boosting her energy and confidence.
Don’t let that death be in vain. Don’t let her faith be misplaced. Don’t lose the strong person you are just because of one lost friend. Honor her and everyone else who fights this fight…
She’d been too busy wallowing and trying to figure out a way to exact revenge. Too busy worrying about Bastian now he was in definitive danger. It took her friend to smack truth in her face. Sai smiles at the thought, at the effort it took for Aishke to open up to her like that, and at the friendships she’s made, which all began with her meeting Bastian.
“Maybe alone isn’t the only option,” she mutters as she arrives at the laboratory.
Pushing the door open, she’s a little surprised to find no one in the room. That is to say, no one she was expecting. Domino Thirty-Five sits on one of the chairs, fiddling with the inside of its elbow. It looks up, a vague expression of interest crossing its face as it recognizes her. “Sai.”
The voice is far more hollow than Dom’s. More metallic with less substance. It makes Sai wonder if they’re all like that.
“Hey…Thirty-Five.” It feels odd to call him a number. She hasn’t referred to Dom as a digit for longer than she can remember.
It flexes its fingers. “It is early. Mathur is not yet here.”
“Ah.” She glances around the room, at the cots scattered here and there with prone dominos on them, and wonders briefly if they really do require sleep. Dom doesn’t seem to need sleep, but then Dom rarely seems to need anything. She frowns.
Thirty-Five stands up. “Would you like me to get Dom for you?”
Sai cocks her head to one side, struck by the eerie coincidence of thoughts and the address the domino uses. “Why don’t you call him Twelve?” she asks before she really thinks it through.
Thirty-Five blinks. “Because Dom may have once been Twelve, but now he is simply Dom.”
“Not one or the other then. Dom is himself?” This train of thought fascinates her.
It stands there for a few moments, obviously thinking things through. “He is both. We are all two parts. He is simply—currently—more.”
Maybe it’s right. After all, they’d know, right? “It’s okay. I can go and find him myself.”
Thirty-Five nods, its eyes never wavering. “I do not think you need to. They are approaching.”
Sai strains to hear, and a second later voices drift through to them.
“I’m not sending them away, Mathur.” Jeffries sounds weary, like he’s argued the point too many times.
“It is safer for them.” The old man’s voice is getting louder as they approach.
Even Dom’s quiet tones sound perplexed. “We can’t do without you, but I’m not sure you can do without them…”
Jeffries sighs as he pushes through the door. “And that’s just the…” He pauses as he sees Sai and Thirty-Five.
She smiles brightly, trying to ease the tension that just wafted into the room. “Guess I’m not the only one awake.”
“Are you all right, Sai?” Dom asks her softly, his arms crossed and eyes still focused on Jeffries.
“Just woke up early,” she answers. “What aren’t we sending away?”
Jeffries sighs and throws his hands up in the air. “They want to separate the families out to keep them safe and out of harm’s way. Essentially, it’s a good idea.” He slumps into the chair closest to him. “But that doesn’t make it easy—I’m the only one of you who has family. I can’t keep them safe here, and I can’t leave either. I just…”
Sai watches Jeffries for a moment, thoughts battling in her head. She hadn’t even thought about his family. Sometimes her focus gets too narrow. She fetches a cup of water and kneels down, pushing it up to him. “You know—you’re a part of keeping everyone safe. While you need them, would you feel better or worse knowing they’re in a targeted Mobile?”
“Worse.” He glares at her but takes a sip. “Much worse.”
She smiles and stands back up. Hard truths, like Aishke did for her. She has a feeling everyone needs a few of them. “Your family is one of the few left here. I’ll do my best to get you back to them.”
“It is good to see you back.” The hint of a smile plays at his lips, but his demeanor turns stern as he faces Dom. “Sometimes you can be heavy-handed in your interactions.”
Dom clenches his jaw. “You might have to explain that to me. Technically, all of me is heavy.”
Mathur hesitates, and it seems like he’s trying to fight back a grin. “Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are advising. Sometimes their reasoning is just their own and difficult to quantify into logic.”
Sai watches the exchange with fascination, curious as to why Mathur seems to know Dom less than she does.
Dom relaxes his tense stance as a flash of colors pass through his eyes. “I’m not as hardwired as you think. If you look close, my humanity might surprise you.” Dom turns and walks over to Thirty-Five, dismissing Mathur cleanly.
“That is exactly what I am afraid of.” Mathur’s voice is so soft Sai has to strain to hear it, and the apology nearly drips off his words.
She’s not sure whether Dom hears his father or not, but the words linger in her ears while she watches them. It’s strange they behave that way. It makes her wonder whether or not they
realize just how like a real father and son they are. Sai chuckles despite herself.
“Something funny?” Mathur looks over at her, the skin around his eyes crinkling.
“I’m just glad I met everyone.” She grins at him, sincerely meaning the words.
“Or she’s wondering if you realize how much like a human father and son we behave.” Dom doesn’t turn away from the work he’s doing with Thirty-Five.
She has no idea how he does that thing where he just knows. Sometimes she thinks giving him access to help her heal after her accident might have been a mistake. Otherwise, her shields are tight.
“Really?” Mathur raises an eyebrow. “We do, do we?”
“A lot of the time.” Jeffries stands up and brushes his hands on his lab coat. “I need to find James and figure out how we can get these relocations organized. I may not like it, but you all have a point.” He nods and leaves. Sai watches him go. Even his gait holds an air of sadness to it.
“I think I need to learn more tact.” Dom’s voice is so close to her she jumps. “Sorry.” His lip curls in humor, and Sai notices his smile is getting less serial-killer-like.
“You need more tact, more manners, and an understanding of when and what humor is appropriate. But that’s okay—you’ll probably live forever. You have plenty of time.” She grins at him to take the sting off the words.
“Enough.” Mathur waves an arm and breaks up the chatter. “Kayde needs you to take the Shine I keep locked in my safe down to her. She is readjusting one of the parameters of Ebony. Apparently there was something wrong with the batch Dom took for initial testing.”
Dom blinks at the man. “Lucky I didn’t get the ventilation system open, then.”
Sai glances at Dom. He’s not usually snide. Then again, he’s becoming more human every day. Since returning to Alpha after Iota’s demise, he seems a little distant. Again.
Mathur ignores him. “She is trying to figure out how to produce it in bulk. We have many PC hubs to hit if we want to negate the effects of the psionic grids.”