by J. A. Huss
“That’s not what I was thinking.”
“Well, that’s what you were thinking last week. Danny is picking me up in forty-five minutes so I can be home to take care of Olivia when Jason goes to work. So stop fucking around and give me the tests.”
He sighs and I get a lot of satisfaction out of that sigh. Fuck him and all his stupid rules. All his control-freak shit. All his ‘get naked in my kitchen and do your work’ orders. Just fuck him.
He opens up his backpack and takes out a folder that says ‘Shannon’ on the front of it and I have to roll my eyes. He pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to me. “Test one,” he says.
I snatch it out of his hand and go sit down on the other side of the room, glancing at the clock as I try to calm myself. I don’t have much time and I really want to get two tests done.
My hope dies the second I read the first question. Problem one has four parts and then ten associated questions. Jesus fucking Christ. My ear is pounding, that’s how angry I am.
Label the quadrants, angles, x and y coordinates, and radians of the unit circle. Then answer the questions below using your diagram as a guide.
This will take me an hour at least. I hate math. I get up, throw the test at Mateo, and walk out.
Fuck him. Fuck trig. Fuck this stupid ear.
I text Danny and ask him to pick me up. I’m never going to graduate because I am never going to pass this class. Ever. Memorize the fucking unit circle? Are they kidding me with that shit? Who the fuck needs to memorize the goddamned unit circle? It’s called a computer, you assholes.
I pull out my cigarettes and only have one left. Figures. I light it up and I’m puffing before I even make it outside. The janitor looks at me, ready to say something as I pass, but I look him straight in the eye and say, “I dare you, asshole. I dare you to talk to me right now. And fuck you for telling Bowman I got a ride home. Just fuck you.”
I really want the door to slam behind me, but of course, it’s got one of those soft-closing mechanism things on it, and it simply whooshes closed with a small puff of air.
And then opens up again. “Shannon.”
“Go away,” I tell Mateo. “I’m not even kidding.”
“Why are you so mad? I get it, I didn’t call. But it was a rush thing, OK? It was a big deal for me. I didn’t have time to call, and I told Bowman to send you a message at school so you didn’t show up.”
“Well, I did show up because that school is stupid. No one ever got me that message and I took the bus all the way over here. I didn’t even have enough money left over to eat that day!”
I scream that last part. I might be losing it. All the shit that’s happened over the past year is coming out right now and Mateo had better get the hell away from me, because he’s my target.
Mateo sighs. “Do you want to go to Hawaii with me for spring break?”
“What?” I snap.
He’s got a pathetic smile on his face. Something that might be sheepishness, confusion, or maybe just fear. I hope it’s fear. “I have to go to Hawaii over break to do this demonstration of the stuff I’m writing about in my dissertation, and I’d like you to come.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m sorry. I should’ve called you first. And I want you to come. See what I do. Plus, if you spend any more time with Danny Alexander, I will throttle him.”
“You will not. He’s picking me up right now and if you so much as look at him funny, I will never talk to you again.”
Mateo sighs, runs his fingers through his hair, and then walks away and goes back inside.
I told him.
I tap my foot as I smoke.
Yup. Told his ass right off.
I blow some rings.
He can take his Hawaii trip and shove it up his ass.
Ten minutes later my cigarette is long gone and I’m calming down when Danny pulls in to the parking lot. I get in the passenger side and hug my backpack to my chest.
“Bad night?”
I nod.
“Did you fight with him?”
“Yes, a little. But that’s not the half of it. I wanted to take a test today to try and make progress in this class, so he gave it to me, and goddammit, Danny, it was the longest fucking question ever.”
“So you gave up and walked out?”
“How’d you guess?”
“You’re riled up.”
“I’m calm now.”
“So you didn’t understand the question? Maybe Mateo needs to change his teaching methods?”
I can’t tell if that’s a dig or not, so I assume it’s not. “It’s not that. I understood the question, but I don’t think I know the x and y coordinates of the unit circle from memory. I remember glancing at that section and seeing all this square root shit, and I said, fuck that.”
Danny laughs. “I didn’t realize ‘fuck that’ was an option in school. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong? Did you study it?”
“Study it? I don’t study, Danny.”
“Oh.” He laughs. “Excuse me, Miss Einstein. Most of us dimwits have to study to pass tests.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I just mean, usually I can remember enough from homework to get by. But this question was ridiculous, you know?”
“Ah,” he says as he drives. He probably thinks I’m emotionally unstable and a snooty bitch on top of it. “You wanna go out to eat with me? I’m buying.”
My stomach grumbles, that’s how much I want to go out to dinner. “I can’t. Jason is waiting for me and I can only guess the next fight will be the best all day.”
“Want me to come in with you?”
“No.” I sigh. “That will just piss him off more.”
“OK,” he says, turning into my alley and stopping in front of my patio door. “Want a ride to school tomorrow?”
“I’ll walk, but thank you so much.” I smile at him. “Really. I think you’re my only friend in this stupid town.”
“An honor I cherish. I’m just down the street if you need me.”
“Thank you,” I say, getting out of the car and waving as he drives off.
“I told you not to come home,” Jason says from the open patio door.
My anger is back. I hate everyone but Danny right now. “Hey, if that’s how you feel, let me grab my clothes and I’m outta here.”
I push past him and go inside, glance down at sleeping Olivia in that stupid swing, and go into my room. Jason appears in the doorway, hands on either side of the jamb, blocking me in.
I spy the window and calculate my chances of opening it up and squirming my way through if he comes at me.
Not good.
“What?” I hiss, turning to face him. I find attack mode generally defuses things with men. They are constantly surprised at the amount of venom I can spew from this little five-foot-tall body. “You want to be pissed off because I was sick too? Fuck you.”
He watches me shove clothes into my pack until it’s bulging so much, I can’t pull the top drawstring closed. Then he says, calm as can be, “Put your shit back. I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the doctor, OK? I was stressed that day.”
“You were drunk that day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve heard that so much lately, I want to puke.” My eyes start watering and I do not want to cry in front of this asshole, but those tears just come spilling out. “I hate you,” I snarl. “I hate you so much, I dream up ways to get you out of my life forever.”
He turns to leave.
“But I’ll watch Olivia because I love her more than anything. She’s the only thing I have left. So go to work and leave me alone.”
“Wish granted, Shannon,” he says with his back to me. “Wish granted.” A few seconds later the front door opens and closes and I’m right where I belong. Alone.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Olivia’s eyes are open and she’s staring up at me as she sways back and forth in her little swing. I stop it and lift her out, snuggling her to
my chest. “Do you want to take a bath tonight, Olivia?”
She blinks at me.
“I never give baths, but I’m sick of seeing you in that swing. And I never get to pick your clothes, and your dad does not have the most fashionable taste.”
She doesn’t have an opinion on that either.
I grab the little blue plastic thing Jason uses to bath her and have a pang of guilt for being such a bitch to him. He does take care of her.
I fill the tub up with warm water, take Olivia’s clothes off, and place her inside it. She blesses me with a small smile and some bunched-up fists.
And it’s not like she’s a difficult baby or anything, but he’s managing. Maybe he did love Jill, but that’s a huge character flaw in my mind. What kind of man loves a drug addict? And it’s not like he met her before she was a druggie, fell in love, and decided to stick by her in bad times. No, that bitch was a two-timing whore. I know I should not speak of my sister like that, but it’s the truth. She was cheating on her last boyfriend with Jason, and Jason knew about that.
So what kind of guy picks a girl like her? And how come stupid girls like her always get picked by guys who want to marry them, and I get drug dealers and teachers with inappropriate sexual fantasies?
I breathe deeply as I stew in my anger and then Olivia changes everything when she smiles at me. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not a very good aunt to you, am I?”
I wash Olivia with a tiny pink washcloth and then run the water again so I can rinse her off. By the time I’m done she’s so sleepy, she can barely keep her eyes open. So I dress her in a little peach-colored baby pajama set and place her in the crib in Jason’s room.
I walk back out into the living room and scream. “Jesus Christ, Mateo! What the fuck are you doing in here?”
He’s standing in my kitchen with a brown paper bag that smells better than it has a right to. “Feeding you. Since you left me with that guilt trip about using your money for bus fare and blah fucking blah about Danny motherfucking Alexander.”
“Get out,” I say, pointing to the patio slider. I want that food so bad, but no. He’s not going to barge his way into my life anymore. Fuck that.
“No,” he says, placing the bag on the counter and getting out two plates.
“Mateo.” I point up at him now, furious and still shaking from the shock. “Get—”
“No,” he growls louder. “Just calm the fuck down and tell me what happened.”
“I told you what happened.”
“About the part where you had to go to the ER, Shannon.”
“Like you care.” I fold my arms across my chest.
“Obviously,” he says with a heavy sigh. “I care. Or why the hell would I be here?”
“Who knows? You have some sick fascination with young girls? You want to fuck me. You don’t want Danny to fuck me.” His eye twitches at that remark and I get a little bolder. “You like power, or making teenagers suck your dick in a classroom. You—”
He takes two steps towards me and crosses the safe distance between us, making me move back. But he catches me by the arm and pulls me close to him. “You can say all those things because you’re mad, I don’t care. But if you believe all those things, we have a serious problem.”
“Why shouldn’t I believe those things?”
“Because I like you, Shannon. I’m here. I’m sorry. I said I was sorry. I’ll make it up to you. And you’re going to forgive me, because you know I’m telling the truth.”
“I don’t know that, actually.”
He sighs again, and then he twirls me around, pushes me towards the counter, and presses me against it so I’m looking out the window over the kitchen sink. His breath is coming out in long draws, tickling the skin on the back of my neck. And each time it does, his chest presses against my back. His fingers snake up underneath my shirt, and he grabs the cup of my bra and yanks it down, making my nipple spill out into his palm.
He squeezes.
Fuck.
“Give me your left hand,” he whispers into my neck.
Now what is he up to? I want to ask, but he’ll just give me one of those exasperated sighs, and bark, Shannon. Do what you’re told. So I hold out my left hand, palm up, and he lets go of my breast so he can wrap his arms all the way around me and take my hand in his.
“Pay attention,” he says. And then he uses his finger to draw on the palm of my hand. “What did I just write?”
Really? He wants to play games?
“Answer me, dammit.”
“I don’t know,” I snap. “Do it again.”
He does it again and this time his touch tickles my palm so bad, I can feel it tingle long after he stops. “What did I write?”
I take a breath, but my eyes close. Why does he make me feel this way?
“Shannon,” he barks. “Fucking answer me.”
“The square root of two over two,” I say.
“Why did I write that?”
“It’s those stupid coordinates on the unit circle test that I didn’t know.”
“God, sometimes I think you’re deaf. Because if you’re not deaf, then I have to wonder why you deliberately refuse to listen to me. Why did I write that?”
“Dick,” I say. “Because you’re gonna tell me something about it.”
His hand steals back inside my shirt and palms my breast again. “Good girl. Finally you’re paying attention. It’s a trick, Shannon. A game to help you remember the x and y coordinates. You told me the first day we met your memory is what makes you smart. Unlike you, I listen to the things you tell me, so I came up with a plan to use your talent to help you pass trig. And if you had let me show it to you earlier instead of insisting on taking a test you were so clearly not ready for, you’d be in a better mood right now, I guarantee it.”
I sigh.
“Look at your hand.”
I glance down.
“If your left hand is the upper right quadrant of the unit circle, and your fingers represent the angles of the unit circle, and your pinky is zero degrees, what’s the angle measure of the finger where I’ll put your wedding ring one day?”
“You did not just say that.”
“Answer me.”
“Thirty degrees.”
I can feel him smile into my neck and I have to take a deep breath at that.
“What’s the finger you use to flip me off?”
“Forty-five degrees.”
“And the one you point at me when you’re pissed?”
“Sixty degrees.”
“Thumb?”
“Ninety.”
“Who says you’re not smart? You memorized those OK, right?”
“Fourth graders probably know that much, Mateo. I don’t need a pep talk.”
“Now listen carefully, because what I’m going to show you is magic.”
“You’re so stupid.”
“What did I write on your palm?”
“The square root of two over two.”
“OK, now forget about the twos. There’s a square root sign and a fraction line. Here’s how to remember the coordinates of the unit circle just by looking at your left hand and knowing which angle each finger represents…”
So he tells me.
And he’s right. It’s memory magic. I will never forget this trick as long as I live, that’s how simple it is.
“So when you show up in my kitchen tomorrow to take that test, just remember what I showed you. Now tell me what happened that you needed to go to the ER.”
I tell him. I watch his reflection in the window as I talk. I don’t know if he knows I can see him, because he never glances back at me. But I can tell that he’s sorry he wasn’t there when I needed help, because the frown on his face grows longer and longer as the story goes on.
“I’m sorry. Is it better now?” he asks, lifting my hair aside to look at my ear.
“It’s better,” I say. “I get them all the time and I usually I can just use the leftover drops from the last ti
me to stop it from getting that bad. But I guess my drops were expired and they didn’t work.”
“OK.” He sighs like he’s satisfied with my story. I’m not sure how to take that, but he doesn’t give me much time to wonder about it, because he says, “Be at my house tomorrow after school, and be ready to make good on our deal.”
He starts to back away from me, but I grab his arm and hold him there. “I think we should start over, Mateo. If you really do like me, then let’s just start over and try this all again.”
His face screws up. “We’re not starting over, Shannon. I didn’t do all this fun shit just to wipe the slate clean and pretend it didn’t happen. You come to my house, you take your clothes off, you study at my kitchen table naked, you suck my dick, you take the test, and if you get one right, I’ll lick your pussy until you come. If you pass that test tomorrow, Shannon, I’ll fuck your brains out and you will forget all about starting over because what I will do to your body will be so addictive, you will never want me to stop. Do you understand?”
Why did I ever think he’d give in to me? Why did I ever think I had the power in this relationship? He mows me over like a steamroller.
“Do you. Under. Stand?”
“Got it,” I say.
“You know, there’s something to be said for the wisdom of experience. That’s a lesson you need to learn. Now eat your dinner and go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I watch him as he turns and walks to the slider and pulls it open. But he stops again and looks me in the eyes. “And you’re coming to Hawaii with me. So just accept it. And let that fuck of a brother-in-law know you won’t be babysitting that week.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Triangles are your friend,” Mateo says the next day as I wait on his stoop at the back door. He’s standing on the other side of the screen, shirtless, and looking like a fucking monster of muscle and masculinity.
“Just let me in,” I say.
“They have all the answers, Shannon.”
“It’s fucking raining, Mateo. Just let me in.”
“And if you know certain things about your triangle, you can find out missing information.”
I sigh. “Got it. Let me in or I’m going home. I’m all fucking wet.”