I pushed myself from the ground, finding my footing. My hands shook as I dusted them off. My legs wobbled, threatening to buckle. I wanted to stop. But I couldn’t. I had to do this.
My hands reached out for every tree that I passed.
A thin tree with smooth, silky bark.
A gnarled tree, bumpy like an old man.
An oak. Giant. Revered.
And all of them dancing, their limbs whirling in the air, their leaves hushing and shushing my mind.
The wind picked up, twirling my hair into the sky. I grabbed the mass of waves, twisting them into a bun, my fingers sinking into the silky strands as I took my last steps toward the cliff.
He was there. Sitting alone. Just looking down.
I walked to him, past the shrine of dead flowers that our classmates had brought here after Joey’s death, trying not to think about why they were there, snapping in the wind, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Adam, what’s this about?”
“I don’t know anymore, Maggie.” He ducked his head. Shook it from side to side.
I wanted to sit next to him, knew it was the best thing to get him out of this place, but I couldn’t. So I just stood there, my hair whipping into my eyes, wondering what the hell I was supposed to say.
“It’s my fault,” Adam said. “Everything with Joey.”
I sighed. Squeezed his shoulder and let my hand fall away. “Nothing’s your fault, Adam.”
“It is, though. If I’d just told you, none of us would have been here. You and Joey wouldn’t have been on top of this stupid cliff, and he wouldn’t have fallen.” Adam’s words slurred together. He was in worse shape than I’d thought.
“Adam, there’s stuff you don’t know. Stuff that makes this my fault, too.”
Adam looked back at me, his eyes tight. “What are you talking about?”
I shook my head. “I can’t,” I said, my words choking in my throat. I did everything I could to look into Adam’s eyes and at nothing else. Not the treetops that had surrounded Joey and me right before the beads made me understand his betrayal. Not the feeling of my hand yanking out of his. Not the way his eyes had swelled with fear, and sadness, and regret as he lost his balance and pitched over the edge of the cliff.
“Maybe you can’t tell me,” Adam said. “But I should, shouldn’t I? Just like you wanted me to the day of the funeral. When you tried to make that deal where we’d share everything. I need to tell you. All the shit I knew, and how I found out. You deserve to know, Mags.”
I stepped back as he spoke. One step. Two. Three. Because I didn’t want to know. All the details would slice me open again, and I couldn’t face that. Especially not standing up there on that cliff top.
“No!” I said. “I’m not ready. Not for all of that.”
Adam closed his eyes, burying his face in his hands. “I can’t seem to get anything right anymore.”
“You can,” I said. “I want to know. Just not right now. Right now, all I want is for you to stand up and walk down the trail with me. I want you safe, Adam.”
“But I won’t be safe, Maggie. I’m all messed up inside. Besides, tonight I’m supposed to jump. It was an oath sacred to our friendship.” He smiled then, this thin smile that was so sad.
“Adam, you can honor Joey in a different way. Please. Don’t jump off this cliff and leave me standing here all by myself. I can’t face that again.”
It was then that it seemed to register in Adam’s brain. Where he was. Where he’d brought me. The recognition passed across his face like one of the bloated clouds that raced above us.
“Oh, Jesus, Maggie, I—”
“Adam, it’s okay. Please, just—”
“So sorry. I can’t believe I’m such an asshole.” Adam twisted sideways, placing a hand on the dusty ground. He pulled his legs up and swung them around, skidding his feet along the little biting rocks that carpeted the earth.
And then he stood.
Way too fast with all the alcohol, and wind, and emotion.
He started to sway, his arms shooting from his sides, sweeping up and then down.
I didn’t have time to think.
All I could do in the moment was react.
My feet rushed me forward—one step, two, three—and my arms snapped forward, my fingers gripping the front of his shirt. I yanked him into me before I took one single breath. Wrapped my arms around his waist as he fell against my body, his breath hot on my neck.
“Please don’t hate me, Maggie.” Adam’s voice cut out on him, turning into a croaky cry. His shoulders shook, and he tipped his forehead onto mine, his eyes squeezed tight. As he slipped his face into the curve of my neck, I sucked in deep, even breaths to keep myself under control.
Then the rain started, cool drops that made my skin tingle. I focused on each one, hoping they had the power to wash away everything, so we could just start over again.
I smoothed the loose strands of Adam’s hair and he started to quiet down. His tears spilled down my skin, under the neck of my shirt, and into the places that only Joey had explored.
Adam pulled away slowly, looking right in my eyes. He cupped my face in his hands and shook his head. “I am so sorry, Maggie. For everything.”
I nodded, feeling his fingers brush the skin of my jawline. He hesitated for a moment, his eyes focused on mine.
“I know you are.” I sucked in a shaky breath, holding on to him tight. I wouldn’t let him go until we were standing at the bottom of that trail, until we’d crossed over the Jumping Rocks and were safely on the other side. “And I could never hate you.”
“You know we have to talk, right?” Adam raised his eyebrows. The rain was falling harder now, dripping down his face and onto the tangle of our arms and hands.
I nodded.
“I’m here. When you’re ready, you just let me know.”
I nodded again, because I wasn’t sure if I could speak.
Adam ran a hand through his hair, pulling his bangs out of his eyes, and looked around, raindrops falling from his chin and nose. It’s like he was looking for Joey, like he wanted to say one last good-bye. But we’d lost that chance. That moment had passed.
I wrapped an arm around Adam’s waist and tugged him toward the trailhead. He slung his arm over my shoulders, moving slowly, stumbling every few steps. His body was warm, solid, and so very alive. And I’d never been so thankful for anything in my entire life.
22
All the Pieces
“It’s okay, Maggie,” Dr. Guest said in her most gentle tone. “You can tell me.”
So I did. I let it all surge from deep within my chest, an angry storm breaking me open.
Dr. Guest sat still, taking it all in without moving one single inch.
When I was finished, I looked down, afraid of the disappointment I might see in her eyes.
“You’re blaming yourself, aren’t you?” Dr. Guest asked. “For what happened on Memorial Day weekend?”
“How can I not? He died because of me.”
“Joey’s death was a terrible accident, Maggie. It, however, was not your fault.” Dr. Guest raised her eyebrows, waiting for her words to sink in.
“If I’d just kept running. If I’d jumped with him. If—”
“You can ‘if’ yourself to death—if you want—but I’d advise against it.” Dr. Guest crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in her chair. “You have enough to sort through without simultaneously playing out every other possible outcome.”
I nodded. Because I’d already thought of that. “What am I supposed to do now?”
“What do you think?”
“I hate when you do that,” I said. “Turn a question back on me.”
“Usually you have the right answers. I just encourage you to dig deep enough to reach them.”
“I’m thinking I’ll just ignore it. Pretend I still forget for the rest of my life. I haven’t told anyone yet.” I looked at her, narrowing my eyes. “Everything I say to you is confidential, ri
ght? So it’s, like, against the law for you to tell?”
Dr. Guest smiled. “What do you suspect might happen if you try to ignore all of this? It’s pretty big.”
“Ignoring it might make it go away.”
“What if it makes everything worse?”
I clasped my hands together, folding them in my lap. I thought of walking into school in the fall for my senior year with the gray cloud of Joey’s death, all his lies, and Shannon’s betrayal hanging over me. I knew it would suffocate me. Eventually.
“Maybe you should just tell everyone the truth.” Dr. Guest threw her hands up in the air, like she’d just had some epiphany.
“The truth?” I asked. “As in, the whole truth?”
Dr. Guest shrugged. “It’s just an idea. Sounds like there are already an awful lot of secrets.”
“If I let everything out, if everyone knows the truth, people will hate me. It’s my fault Joey died.”
“Some people might be angry. But when they hear the entire story, I suspect most people will support you. And that support might just help you learn to stop blaming yourself, Maggie.”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand. Joey was this legend at our school. Bigger than all of us put together. Everyone knew him. And everyone loved him.”
“Do you still wonder if anyone really knew him?”
I thought about that. Just a few months ago I thought I’d known Joey. All of him. But I’d been wrong. “Maybe Shannon did,” I said, the words twisting around my heart and pulling tight.
Dr. Guest nodded her head, a serious look crossing over her face. “Then maybe she’s the best place to start.”
“Shannon?” I shook my head. “No way. I can’t ever speak to her again.”
“It might be worth a shot, Maggie. You still have your senior year to get through. She’s been like a sister to you almost your entire life.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Think about it,” Dr. Guest said. “I’m not suggesting that you try to rebuild your entire friendship. Just that you go to her and deal with the feelings that are making things so messy right now. Show her that you can face everything that’s happened. Free yourself from this prison Joey and Shannon built around you.”
I imagined myself walking into Shannon’s bedroom. Sitting on her bed, where I’d slept so many nights. Where Joey may have slept … with her. I visualized opening my mouth to speak. But all I could hear was me telling her off.
“What about Adam?” Dr. Guest asked. “Have you talked to him since the night you found him on the cliff top?”
I shook my head.
“That’s another thing you’ll have to figure out.”
“This is one hot mess.”
Dr. Guest chuckled. “It might feel like that, Maggie. But actually, you’re doing very well—making monumental progress with your memories and ability to share. If you think about how you want it all to look in the end, if you take the right steps to get there, you might actually find yourself feeling happy again.”
I snorted. “Doubtful.”
“You have all the pieces in your hands,” Dr. Guest said. “You just have to decide where to put them.”
I thought about that, playing with the idea throughout the rest of our session. I knew I had all the pieces, I could feel the different textures sliding in my hands. The problem was, most of them were jagged-edged, slicing into me when I tried to figure out how to order them, how to stitch them back together. So I envisioned throwing them all up in the air, running, and hiding from them forever.
23
The Very Center of Our Lives
I wasn’t going to do it.
Not.
Ever.
But when I left Dr. Guest’s office, new thoughts started pinging around in my head. If I spilled all my secrets, maybe Shannon would do the same. If I told her the one thing she needed to know, maybe she would tell me the thousand things I wished I could avoid. As much as I didn’t want to hear about her and Joey, I knew ignoring them wasn’t going to fix anything. Tanna had been right: the only way to the other side of this was straight through. And as much as I hated to admit it, I needed Shannon to help me get there.
It took a few days, thinking of how I would say all that I needed to. How I’d escape if she leaped toward me, assaulting me with the blame that I was trying to erase from my mind. Thinking of the insults I’d hurl if she attacked me with those words.
But even with two days of planning, I hadn’t been able to prepare myself for her reaction when I shared the story of what had actually happened on top of the cliff.
Instead of rage-inspired threats, Shannon crumpled into a ball on the floor of her bedroom and stared at a patch of sunny carpet near her right foot.
“Shannon,” I said. “Are you okay?”
I looked down at her, the way she’d started rocking slowly back and forth, her arms wrapped around her knees.
“It was the bracelet?” Shannon asked. “That’s what did it?”
I nodded. “That’s when everything clicked into place.”
“It worked, then.” Shannon looked up at me with tears dripping from eyes. “I wanted you to know.”
I sat next to Shannon on the floor, leaning against her bed, oddly numb in the moment of my big revelation.
“I left clues all over the place,” she said. “My barrette. His shirt. A pack of gum. My favorite pen. But you never figured it out. I had to think of something that I knew would work.”
“Your random clues were kind of normal, though. We all have each other’s stuff, Shan.” I looked at the carpet, wanting to close my eyes and squeeze everything out. But I couldn’t. Not anymore. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Joey would have killed me. He wanted it to end naturally between the two of you so it wouldn’t seem so wrong when we ended up together. But then he kept dragging things out. Playing these games that made me think he was about to end it with you. Then we’d all hang out, and I’d hear some story about the great night the two of you’d had alone. I was so confused. And getting really angry.”
“When did Adam find out?” I asked.
Shannon’s eyes squinted tight. “I honestly don’t know. I think he suspected for a while, but he wasn’t sure. Joey kept stuff from me because he didn’t want me to freak—and I was freaked about what we were doing to you—but I just had all these feelings and I didn’t know what to do with …”
“Spare me, okay?” I said.
“Right.” Shannon swiped her palm across her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “I know Adam was pissed, Maggie, and he wanted Joey to tell you. Then Adam threatened to tell you himself, the night of Dutton’s party.”
“So that’s what the fight was about.”
“Yeah.” Shannon sighed. “I wanted you to know, too. But I didn’t know how to tell you. I wasn’t sure I could—so I just didn’t.”
“I don’t understand the bracelet,” I said. “If you knew Joey was going to tell me, why give him that bracelet to wear? It’s like a slap in my face.”
Shannon squeezed her eyes. Tight. “He broke up with me. The night of Dutton’s party.” Shannon sucked in a deep breath. “He said he’d been wrong. That he loved you, not me. He wanted it to be over between us before he told you.”
“That’s … crazy.”
“I know.” Shannon laughed, this choked sound that resembled a cry. “Joey was crazy. But I was, too. Crazy pissed off. He’d always been yours, and I thought it was time he was mine. So when he dropped me off the second time that morning, I told him to wait. That if it was over, I wanted him to have something to remember me by. I ran inside and grabbed my necklace and tied it around his wrist before he left.”
“Because you knew I’d figure everything out if I saw those beads.”
Shannon nodded. “I’m sorry. I was just so … wrecked.”
“And you wanted me to be wrecked, too?”
“Kind of. God, I know that’s awful, but I couldn’t believe, after all
that time, he was choosing you. That I was so monumentally stupid to think he ever would have chosen me.”
“It wasn’t so stupid. You two had been together for a long time.”
“Yeah. In hiding. Because I wasn’t good enough to be seen with in public.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t about that,” I said. “Sounds like, in his twisted mind, he just wanted to keep us all together.”
“And look how it ended. A complete disaster.”
I could not believe that we were sitting there just talking this whole thing over like it was nothing. But then I thought of all the emotion that had swelled up since Joey’s death, the explosive night on the Fourth of July, how long we had been friends, and this moment somehow seemed to fit. It was the only way for us both to get what we needed.
“Mrs. Walther reamed me when she found out.” Shannon caved into herself as she said the words.
“You talked to Joey’s mom?”
“Yeah. After the Fourth of July, when Rylan told her about me and Joey, she called and asked me to go over there. She’d heard about me going to the cops, and let’s just say she was more than a little pissed.”
“I was, too,” I said, thankful that Mrs. Walther wasn’t angry at me, knowing that I needed to go see her soon. “Still am.”
“I’m sorry,” Shannon said. “I shouldn’t have gone to the police. It was stupid, but I know everything now, so I can fix it.”
“I don’t know if it can be fixed,” I said. But I didn’t mean the stuff with the cops. I meant everything else—Joey’s death, my memories of him, the lifelong friendship we all had shared. The important stuff had been ruined, and there was no way to get it back.
“Will we ever be friends again?” Shannon asked.
I shrugged. Thinking about it made me feel all that I had lost. Joey’s death should have brought the five of us closer together. Instead, it had ripped us apart.
“When I tied my necklace around Joey’s wrist, making it into a bracelet for him, I didn’t care about my friendship with you. I just wanted to shove the big secret out in the open. But now I hate myself for being so focused on the wrong thing. And I can see that this mess isn’t just Joey’s. It’s mine, too. Problem is, I’m the only one left to clean it up.”
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