Their evening was a sad case and now they were destined to sleep with this stony antagonism between them. Silently they prepared themselves for bed. What before had been a gratifying and warm ‘coming together’ at the end of a busy day, tonight was a constrained affair; the air charged with a discord so at variance to their usual dispositions.
In bed Mal said: “Jells, we can’t go on like this. Can’t we talk?” She drew the line at reaching out; at making physical contact. Jellie, her back to her, said in a voice rough with indignation: “I did want to. You were the one who wouldn’t.” Her heart was steely with opposition.
“You’re right. I should have been candid with you from the start.” This time she rested a tentative hand on Jellie’s shoulder. “Will you turn to me? I promise to explain.” The response to this overture was immediate. Since that dramatic scene she had been so utterly miserable. She had had no idea to what depths she could sink, if Mal were in a rage with her. Now she knew. With this friction, her unhappiness was almost beyond bearing. Her life had become unbalanced and she couldn’t wait to cross the gaping chasm that had somehow developed.
Mal switched on the night light which instantly bathed them in its amber warmth like a sheltering cocoon; a protective retreat in the downy softness of their bed. They were there for each other, wanting to understand, needing to be close. She turned back to Jellie. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to be hurt. Now I see that by not saying something, I did indeed hurt you.” She reached out and drew Jellie closer into her embrace. Her body yielded instantly and some of the horrible tension ebbed away. The affront melted out of her face and her emotion coursed freely into a silken drift. The eyes regarding Mal were large and luminous, revealing both trust and hesitation in their green pupils. She waited, feeling her love in place, eager to flow out in a willing stream of comprehension.
Mal took a deep breath, as if reaching a decision she knew would be onerous. “Today I phoned Australia …” Momentarily lost for words, she wondered: How do I put this? She would be trying to explain things; unkind things, things of which, in her innocence, Jellie had no conception.
“I thought I’d tell Mum about us.” Jellie continued with her fixed stare, focusing on every word.
“The news did not go down well. She didn’t like it.” Still she said nothing, Mal’s train of thought too important to break its flow. Mal tightened her hold then rained kisses on her cheek. “I’m sorry, Baby Girl. She doesn’t want us at the wedding.” They lay together for a while neither speaking, a long, shimmering silence enveloping them as the meaning became clear. Eventually Jellie stirred.
“They don’t want to meet me, you mean.” Am I the cause of all this? Oh no! It’s too horrible.
“No! No Jells. Now that was exactly why I didn’t tell you before. It’s not that.”
Jellie heard the anguish manifest in the voice and hastened to forstall another unpleasant outburst. “Okay! Okay! Don’t shout at me again.” The flush rose rapidly to her cheeks. Her nerves too, were frayed.
“Sorry darling. I just don’t want you getting wrong ideas.”
“All right, so tell me. What’s the problem?” As her heart settled again to a steady rhythm, she rolled onto her back, but stayed within the encircling arms. Beneath the billowing quilt, Mal stroked the soft skin of her thigh as she tried to put into words the injury, the outrage even, her parents would be experiencing.
“It’s the shock of learning that their daughter’s lesbian I guess. I should’ve been more prudent.” Her eyes darkened, troubled by memory. “I didn’t really think it through. I just wanted to share my good news. Deep down I thought they’d already figured it out, although nothing was ever said.”
“Now everybody is unhappy?” She was trying so hard.
“I guess so. Oh, not Gavin. I think he’d be all right. He must’ve known what I was from way back.”
“Will you ever speak to them again?” she asked through a tightened throat. Although so anguished, she still needed to understand everything.
“I don’t know. Much will depend on Dad,” she observed miserably.
“What do you mean?” Her confusion resurfaced, shaking her body. Mal felt the tension and tried to ease it by turning Jellie into her, their breasts soft against each other, her heart beating in a rhythm of comfort. Jellie rested her head.
“Usually mothers handle it better. I think in a way, they’re more tuned into that emotional side of their children, but fathers….? It can come as quite a shock, especially if they’ve pictured their daughter as a little princess who will grow up to marry the handsome prince. I think Mum might come around if he does.”
“What about you, Mal? How do you feel about all this?” The words caught in her throat, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Oh, I’m all right.” But there was an undeniable bitterness to her words.
“I don’t think so.” Despite the reassurance she still felt some reservation. “Will you be able to get over it?” Oh, she must. She watched with a mixture of heartache and admiration. She didn’t think she could be so brave.
“Well Honey, there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t unsay what’s been said.” She stayed silent for a moment. It was too late now to reframe her purpose in life. Anyway, she didn’t want to. Then the dejected tone left her voice, but the sorrow could not yet leave her eyes. “If it comes to that, I don’t want to be hiding you and me behind a pretext that we’re ‘just good friends’. Well, to other people if need be, but not my folks.” She took a deep breath as her face melted into something like expectation. “I’ll just have to hope, given time, they’ll come to see that the sky didn’t fall in and it wasn’t the end of the world.”
Jellie pulled away slightly to face Mal as her top hand reached out to caress her cheek, the light covers slipping from her body. After a moment, Mal slid her hand down her arm and clasped her wrist to turn her hand, palm up. She kissed its centre. “I love you.” The simple words were charged with emotion. Jellie was overcome with commiseration for this precious woman, her heart full to overflowing. She would give her life to take away the hurt that had come to her, but all she could do was express with her eyes, the sympathy that lodged in her heart. Mal read the unspoken words and was uplifted.
“Sometimes this can be the way of it Jells. In our situation, we can find ourselves on the outside of Society or on the outs with our family. That’s why gay friends are so important.” Confidence sharpened her voice as she felt their closeness under the duvet, their thighs touching; their legs entwined. “They can become our surrogate family and we thank them for it. We’re more demonstrative with them … you know hugs and kisses … than perhaps you would find in the Hetero world. They do mean a lot to us,” she confessed with passion.
“In a way, we’re on our own, ‘us against the world’.” A smile twitched the corners of Jellie’s mouth. It did sound rather melodramatic, even to her ears.
With a fraction of an answering smile she replied: “Not as isolated as that Babe, but it’s true … we’re in the straight world, but it isn’t ours. We have a foot in both camps I guess.”
A remnant of memory came to Jellie … that phrase again and light dawned. She snuggled closer, drawing in the warmth of Mal’s body and an inner strength from her words.
“You will learn Jells. There’s a whole culture for you to probe, which is our Community. You can make of it as much, or as little as you want.” She regarded her with a clear, steady gaze: “But it’s there for the taking,” she disclosed with conviction.
“Thank you for not excluding me. I have to learn these things.” With a sudden intensity of feeling she lifted her head to focus her equally intense eyes on Mal and added: “So long as we’re together though, that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?”
“That’s right darling.” Jellie rested her head once more as Mal continued: “Our love has more depths and layers than outsiders can possibly comprehend. When we are united our union is a
powerful bond, forged like tempered steel, tensile yet robust and while the love lasts, no-one can separate us.
Jellie felt heartened by these words despite the recent setbacks. The reassurance was like a positive swell of steadfast affinity, more powerful than a tidal wave. She was certain they would come through this. Together they would explore Mal’s world and she would come to make it just as much her own. As a bonus, under Mal’s guidance, she would expand her horizons and learn to appreciate the many beauties Australia had to offer. Together they would build their future and she was confident it would turn out to be a wondrous domain.
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