A Mother's Shame

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A Mother's Shame Page 27

by Rosie Goodwin


  Esperanza had swept her fair hair high onto the top of her head then teased it into ringlets that lay across her creamy shoulders. The blue dress showed off her slim figure to perfection, and he was aware that looking as she did, she could easily have been taken as a lady of breeding.

  Maria blushed as Kitty exclaimed, ‘Crikey, Maria! Yer look like the gentry!’ She was cradling Faith in her arms but now Maria started to fuss.

  ‘Are you quite sure that you will manage, Kitty? You do know how she likes her milk, don’t you? And you won’t forget to change her bindings after her feed, will you? She should be all right for at least another couple of—’

  ‘Maria!’ Kitty said sternly. ‘I ain’t a simpleton, yer know. Now will yer just get yerself away an’ enjoy yerself, please. I’m lookin’ forward to havin’ this little madam all to meself fer a time.’

  ‘Yes, she eez quite right!’ Esperanza exclaimed as she draped the long blue cape about Maria’s shoulders. ‘Now go and ’ave a good time. I shall want to ’ear all about it in the morning.’

  Grinning, Josh made a great show of offering Maria his arm. He too was looking very smart in a brightly coloured waistcoat with a matching cravat over which he wore a light tailored jacket. His legs were encased in a pair of tightly fitting trousers, and the whole look was complemented by fine leather knee-high boots. Esperanza thought what a handsome couple they made as she ushered them towards the door. Soon they were seated in the trap that stood ready, and Josh took up the reins. The couple set off with Kitty and Esperanza waving until the homestead was left behind beyond the gum trees.

  It was a beautiful evening and Maria could not remember ever feeling so excited. Her mood further improved when Josh told her, ‘You look truly beautiful.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she answered coyly and they rattled on their way at a gentle trot.

  When they finally drove into Hobart it felt strange. Maria had grown used to the solitude of ranch life and felt a little overawed at the sight of so many people. Eventually the Music Hall came into view and after drawing the horse to a halt, Josh handed the reins to a young boy, who was one of many waiting outside the Hall. Passing him a coin, he told him, ‘See that he is well tended to until we come out and there will be another one of those for you.’

  ‘Right y’are, sir.’ The cheeky-faced urchin grinned as he touched his cap and Josh helped Maria down from the trap. She suddenly felt nervous as she noted a number of finely dressed men and women heading towards the entrance. The women looked like multi-coloured butterflies in their satins and silks, but picking up on her mood Josh tucked her arm through his and told her, ‘You will be the prettiest woman there, now try to relax and enjoy yourself.’ And that is exactly what Maria did.

  As she entered the enormous foyer, Maria felt as if she had been transported into another world. Enormous giltframed mirrors adorned the walls, along with bright posters showing the stars who had appeared there over the years. The floor was covered in a deep red carpet and as they moved forward Maria felt her feet sinking into it. When they entered the auditorium Josh bought them a programme and then they were led to their seats in the dress circle, where they had a bird’s-eye view of the stage. Golden cherubs were set into the vast ceiling and huge scarlet drapes that matched the material on their seats concealed the stage.

  ‘It isn’t as big as the theatres in London,’ Josh informed her, seeing the look of wonder on her face but Maria was too awestruck to answer. She watched as the seats below them slowly filled with people. And then suddenly the lights began to dim and the pit band started to play as the curtains slowly parted.

  A small man in a bow tie and tails, and with a huge waxed moustache balancing above his top lip, walked importantly to the centre of the stage and announced the first act – The Riske Dancing Girls. Almost before he had had time to leave the stage, a group of girls in the skimpiest costumes that Maria had ever seen pranced onto the stage, their bare legs kicking in time high in the air. Maria was glad of the darkness that would hide her blushes as she wondered what her father would have thought of such apparel, but then she forgot everything as she leaned forward in her seat and became lost in the magic of the theatre. The dancers were followed by a magician who placed his female assistant in a box and sawed her in half before their very eyes, and Josh laughed aloud as he watched Maria’s hand fly to her lips in horror. Eventually the assistant was helped from the box all in one piece again and Maria sighed with relief. He then produced a white rabbit from a top hat and Maria applauded loudly, along with the rest of the audience.

  During the interval Josh led her to a bar where he had reserved them a table and she sat and sipped ice-cold sarsaparilla as she attracted more than a few admiring glances from some of the gentlemen present. She looked every inch the lady and just for this evening she felt it.

  When they emerged some three hours later following the second half of the show, Maria’s eyes were shining and her cheeks were flushed with excitement. She had watched every performer raptly and had actually cried with pure delight during the performance of one particular operatic singer who she was sure had the voice of an angel and had enthusiastically applauded the antics of the juggling troupe.

  ‘Have you enjoyed yourself?’ Josh asked unnecessarily as he helped her to fasten her cape.

  ‘Oh yes, I don’t think I shall ever forget tonight.’

  He paused as his fingers slipped from her cloak and then without even thinking about it, he bent his head and kissed her there and then in the street. For a moment Maria tensed then relaxed against him. But then they suddenly remembered where they were and sprang apart just as the small boy they had employed for the night led the horse and trap towards them.

  It was dark by then and Maria was glad of the fact; it would hide her confusion. Her heart was racing as the boy told them with a grin, ‘’E’s ’ad a good drink, mister, an’ I ain’t took me eyes off ’im all night.’

  ‘Good lad.’ Josh fumbled in his pocket and dropped some more coins into the boy’s outstretched hand and then as the lad scampered away to be lost in the crowds that were leaving the Music Hall, Josh assisted Maria up into her seat and soon they were headed for home.

  Neither of them spoke until they had left the lights of the town far behind them and then Josh said tentatively, ‘I hope you didn’t mind me kissing you like that, Maria. I think I have wanted to do it ever since the very first time I clapped eyes on you.’ He realised that he could contain his feelings no longer. The sky above was lit with stars that clearly showed them their way and now Maria chose her words carefully as she answered, ‘I didn’t mind exactly – but I think it might be wise if you did not do it again.’

  ‘But why?’

  She sighed into the balmy night. ‘Because we both know that nothing could ever come of it, and we would be setting ourselves up for heartache. You have an intended waiting back at home for you, and your parents would never countenance a relationship between us. I am just a servant.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ he said hotly. ‘During the time that you spent with Isabelle, she came to look upon you as a friend. And I certainly don’t have an intended, as you put it, waiting for me. I take it you are talking of Felicity Pettifer?’

  When Maria lowered her head and nodded, he growled deep in his throat as he urged the horse along. ‘Felicity and I have never been anything more than friends,’ he informed her. ‘It is our parents who have hoped for a match between us but truthfully I don’t think Felicity is any keener on the idea than I am. We have known each other since we were children and I tend to look on her more as a sister than a wife. Felicity is a nice enough girl in her own way, a little spoiled admittedly, but then that isn’t really her fault. Her parents have ruined her shamelessly, which I suppose is understandable as she is their only child. No, Maria, I shall choose my own wife when the time is right.’

  ‘Even so, it could never be me,’ she said passionately. ‘As well as being a servant I was with child when we left England
. How do you think your father would react to that, if he were to find out?’

  ‘But that wasn’t your fault. Lennie forced himself on you!’

  ‘Yes, he did, but even so . . .’ Maria let her voice trail away and they rode on in silence for some way until he suddenly drew the horse to a halt and reached out for her again.

  ‘Maria,’ he said with a note of desperation in his voice. ‘Don’t you realise that I am fond of you? More than fond, in fact. Do you feel nothing for me?’

  She stared into his eyes before saying, ‘Yes, I cannot lie, I do have feelings for you and have done for some long time, but your father would disown you if we were to come together and I could not let you sacrifice your inheritance for me.’

  ‘Huh! What do I care for such things!’ he said hotly. ‘I have a more than ample allowance that was left to me by my grandmother, and added to that I could work. We would get by somehow.’ It came as something of a shock to Joshua to realise that he meant every word he said. Maria would be worth making sacrifices for. He was playing with her fingers and she felt as if little shocks were rippling up her arms but still she held back.

  ‘Let’s just wait until we get Faith safely home and then decide what we are to do if we still feel the same way,’ she suggested gently.

  Knowing that what she said made sense, he sighed and nodded.

  ‘Very well then – but make no mistake: this is not the end,’ he told her, and urged the horse into a trot again.

  ‘Is Robbie not coming in for breakfast again?’ Maria asked the next morning as Kitty carried a plate of sizzling bacon to the table.

  Kitty shrugged in an off-hand manner. ‘Don’t look like it,’ she mumbled before going back to the stove for the platter of fried eggs.

  Maria and Josh exchanged a glance but said nothing. During the last few days all the sparkle seemed to have gone out of Kitty and Robbie was avoiding coming by the house. Maria had made more than one attempt to get Kitty to confide what was wrong, but up until now the girl had remained tight-lipped. Until she was ready to talk, Maria felt that there was little she could do to help her. It broke her heart to see the girl so dejected, so now she suggested, ‘How about we go and visit the spring later on when we have done all the chores? We haven’t been there for ages – and now that the weather is so improved I’ve no doubt it would be lovely there.’

  ‘What about Faith?’ Kitty answered woodenly as she took a seat at the table.

  ‘We could take her with us. The fresh air would do her good and she could lie and have a kick on the grass whilst we had a splash in the pool.’

  Kitty thought about it for a moment before shaking her head. ‘No, thanks. I have the washing to do today, so I doubt I’ll be finished till late afternoon.’

  ‘As you please.’ Maria picked at the food on her plate. It seemed that they all had things on their mind today. She herself had lain until the early hours recalling the feel of Josh’s lips on her own and the words he had said to her, but no matter how hard she tried she could see no happy ending for them, just as it seemed there was to be no happy ending for Kitty and Robbie.

  Esperanza rode over to the homestead later that day to enquire how the concert had gone. She had expected Maria to be bubbling over with excitement about it and so was somewhat bewildered to find both young women in a sober mood. Josh had ridden out with his uncle to do a head-count of the sheep in the top pasture and was not expected back until much later in the day.

  ‘You ’ad a good evening, yes?’ she enquired as she crossed to glance at Faith who was lying cooing in her crib.

  ‘Oh yes, it was wonderful.’ Maria paused in the act of folding a pile of baby clothes. ‘But I still think you should have your dress and things back now. I really appreciated you loaning them to me, but when will I ever get the chance to wear them again?’

  ‘When should a woman need an excuse to wear beautiful things?’ Esperanza responded, then, ‘No, you must keep them. I am sure that Josh will have many more such outings in mind for you and maybe in time you will be able to bring yourself to wear some of the gowns that Isabelle left for you.’

  When Maria flushed, Esperanza knew she had been right in her assumption that those two did have feelings for each other. But why were they not doing something about it? The same went for Kitty and Robbie. The big Scot had been walking about like a bear with a sore head for days, and Kitty didn’t look much happier. Esperanza had a good mind to take her riding crop to the lot of them, to make them come to their senses! She bided her time until Kitty carried the next load of wet washing out to the line before saying cautiously, ‘Would I be right in thinking that you care for Josh, Maria?’

  Maria was shocked at the question and it showed on her face although she supposed she should be used to Esperanza’s forthright ways by now.

  ‘Yes I do – but it won’t do me much good, will it?’

  Esperanza raised a finely plucked eyebrow and Maria limped on, ‘We are from different worlds. He is gentry and I am merely a servant.’

  ‘Pah!’ Esperanza waved her hand in the air. ‘So what difference does that make? You are a woman and he is a man, no? The same could have been said for me and Frederick. In fact it was, which was why we chose to live here, away from the usual conventions. When two people love each other, they should be together – and we have done all right, no?’

  ‘Yes, but it’s different for you.’

  ‘Oh? And why eez that then?’

  Maria struggled to come up with an answer as Esperanza looked on with her eyes flashing. ‘If Josh’s father objected to your marriage you could come and live here,’ she pointed out. ‘I know that Freddie would welcome Josh with open arms. He is a hardworking boy and you have enjoyed the time you have been here, no?’

  ‘Well, yes – yes, I have,’ Maria admitted falteringly.

  ‘Then bear that in mind,’ Esperanza said as she lifted Faith from her crib. ‘Some things are meant to be and life is too short for regrets.’

  Maria nodded thoughtfully as she went about her chores.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  It was towards the end of September 1857 when Faith thankfully seemed to turn a corner. Her tiny body suddenly began to gain weight and fill out, and she delighted them all when she began to smile at them.

  Binda still came regularly to check on her and it was during one of these visits that she told them, ‘I think the little one is strong enough to travel now, should you wish to take her back to England.’

  Josh looked up from reading the Mercury newspaper.

  ‘In that case perhaps I should write to my father and tell him that we intend to return. I could go into Hobart tomorrow and book the tickets for next month so that they will expect us.’

  Kitty’s hands became still in the sink full of warm water. Things had not improved between Robbie and herself, but once she set foot on the ship back to England, he would be lost to her forever. Her future suddenly stretched out before her, empty and lonely, and she knew that somehow she must make one last attempt to put things right between them.

  Maria also felt a little trepidation at the thought of returning home – for what would she be going back to? There would certainly be no welcome from her father, and what would become of little Faith if her grandparents chose to disown her? And yet she knew deep down that returning was inevitable, and so she supposed that the sooner it was over with the better.

  Josh wrote to his parents that very afternoon, intending to mail the letter the next day when he rode into Hobart to book their tickets.

  It was after supper that evening that Kitty took her apron off and informed them, ‘I’m going over to see Robbie.’

  ‘Oh.’ Maria glanced up from the tiny nightgown that she was embroidering for Faith in the light of the oil lamp. She and Josh exchanged a look as Kitty headed for the door without so much as another word.

  ‘Let’s hope they sort out their differences before it’s too late,’ Josh remarked and Maria nodded in agreement before
turning her attention back to her sewing.

  Kitty meanwhile was striding purposefully towards Robbie’s cabin, but when she saw the light spilling from his window, her courage failed her and she faltered. But then, setting her shoulders, she ploughed on. The way she saw it, there was nothing to lose but everything to gain.

  She threw the door back with such force that it banged into the inner wall, and Robbie was so startled that he leaped up from his chair and almost overturned it.

  This was Kitty as he had never seen her before. Normally she was placid and easy to please, but the young woman in front of him now was standing with her hands on her hips, her eyes blazing.

  ‘I reckon it’s time you an’ me had a little talk,’ she spat.

  ‘Very well,’ Robbie said, righting the chair. ‘What about?’

  ‘What about?’ Her eyes rolled towards the ceiling. ‘About the fact that Josh is goin’ into Hobart tomorrow to book us our tickets home, that’s what about!’

  ‘Oh,’ he said.

  ‘Oh! Is that all yer have to say on the matter?’ she snarled. ‘Don’t it bother yer that once I’m gone we’ll never see each other again? Didn’t that night we spent together mean anythin’ to you?’

  ‘Of course it did,’ he responded hotly.

  ‘Then why have yer been avoidin’ me?’ The anger was fading now and seeing the deep hurt in her eyes he felt bitterly ashamed.

  ‘Because what I did to you was wrong,’ he muttered. ‘I let my feelings get the better of me.’

  ‘Ah, so you do have feelin’s fer me then?’ she said triumphantly.

  He nodded miserably. ‘Aye, lass, I do. But the thing is, I can never make an honest woman of you, so I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you as I did.’

  ‘The way I remember it, what we did was done by mutual consent,’ Kitty said, then her voice softened as she asked, ‘Can’t yer please tell me what’s wrong, Robbie? Yer owe me that much at least, an’ once I’m gone it’ll be too late.’

 

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