by Bijou Hunter
“His mom didn’t want to see him, you know?” Johnny says and I know he’s lying. “Frances said Bo was an asshole when she last saw him and she hated thinking of her youngest that way. She chose to stay away, but Snake gets the blame.”
“I think he knows that, but she’s dead and Snake’s not.”
“He ever bitch about me?”
I just smile. “You scare him.”
“He say that?”
“No. He just gets this look on his face when he hears your name. Like a little boy scared of the bogeyman.”
Johnny likes this idea, just like I knew he would. “Is Bo loyal to the club?”
“More than anything else. His whole identity revolves around being a Gutter.”
Johnny again looks pleased by my answer. “I don’t want you telling him I asked. Can’t have him feeling insecure about his place in the club.”
“I understand. Bo needs to belong in the club. It gives him worth.”
Johnny stands up and fishes out a twenty from his pocket. “You’re a good girl, Sydney. Be sweet to Bo and keep him happy. We need him to stay loyal.”
Smiling like my insides aren’t twisted up, I say, “Thanks.” When he just stares down at me, I add, “Are you okay because you look tired?”
Johnny runs a finger over my lips and I use all my strength not to smack away his hand. I don’t want him touching me. Him or anyone else except Bo. In that moment, I know I love Bo and I also know he’s in trouble.
“Kelly has a temper,” Johnny mutters. “Boy is always getting into trouble and it never seems to stop. Something’s got to give one day.”
Johnny walks out of the restaurant without another word. Watching him go, I nearly burst into tears. He’s going to destroy Bo. The club used my love once and they’ll destroy him for good this time.
The only way to save Bo is to convince him to run, but he won’t go without me. Not unless I tell him the truth.
Chapter Nineteen
Bo
Honesty is for Suckers
An instinctual part of me knows Sydney’s upset. The same animal part that knew when a fight in prison was coming or a guy wanted to make a mess of me. That part understands the signals she’s sending. The softer part of me just wants her and refuses to see anything that might say she isn’t happy. I need this woman and the calm she brings me. No way am I letting reality interfere.
Unfortunately, Sydney stops hinting. She gets to the point by sitting on the couch and staring straight at me in that way women do when the shit is about to hit the fan.
“Bo, why are you staying in the Grove?”
Shrugging, I sit on the couch. “I just got out of prison. I’m not ready to pack up and go.”
“If you wait too long…”
“I’m not leaving yet.”
“What are you waiting for?”
Shrugging again like I don’t know the answer, I refuse to look at Sydney because she reads me too well. She knows anyway.
“I’m not worth waiting for,” she says. “You can have anything in Wyoming. Why settle?”
“Screw you,” I whisper, cupping her face. “How can you tell me to break my own fucking heart? I had nothing and you want me to embrace nothing again. That’s fucked up, even if you think you’re saving me.”
Sydney is breathing faster and I see her struggling to keep calm. “You think…” She pauses and looks around. When her gaze returns to me, she sighs. “I didn’t care about being a whore. Not really. I’ve always been good at just doing what needs to be done. I never whined about homework or cleaning or helping my dad. I just did things because they needed to be done and whining wouldn’t change anything.”
I start to speak, but she shakes her head and continues, “There was this guy who came to the restaurant every week for lunch. He started asking for me and we would talk. Flirt, I guess. I thought he was cute and I felt sexy when he would pay attention to me. I never feel attractive with the club guys. They’ll fuck anything. I’m just the body underneath them. With this guy, I felt special.”
My hands in fists, I fight the jealousy burning up from my gut to every inch of my body. I don’t care how this story ends. I just want to punch the guy in the face,
“One day, he hinted about us going out and I wanted to say yes. That was the day I really understood I wasn’t a normal girl who could go on a date and fall in love. I was property of the club and they owned my fate. That was when I decided to do something reckless.”
Narrowing my eyes, I want her to get to the punchline. Sydney’s nervous though. She keeps looking at the door then at Romeo. Maybe she’s planning her escape and hopes to save the cat too.
“There’s a club whore named Mandy,” she says finally. “I don’t think she got pregnant on purpose, but she ended up carrying a club baby. Johnny said she was off-limits afterwards. The club pays for her place and the kid. The club owns her, but she’s more like their baby mama than a whore. She had a little boy and it’s pretty likely the kid belongs to Kelly, but they never tested him. The only downside was a few of the club wives jumped Mandy after the baby was born. They beat her bad. Broke bones and knocked out a few teeth, but it was just that once. They said if she got pregnant again, they’d leave her a cripple. No one should have club babies besides their old ladies. Even with the beating, Mandy has it pretty good.”
Much like Sydney refuses to make eye contact, I refuse to understand where her story is heading. Sydney stops looking at everything in the trailer and finally focuses on me.
“I got pregnant the first month I stopped the pill. That was four months ago.”
“Fuck you,” I mutter, certain she’s messing with me. Her expression tells me the truth, but I deny it. “There’s no way you are pregnant. I’ve fucked you in every way imaginable and I’d know if you were pregnant.”
“I’ve put on a little weight. Nothing too noticeable, but I felt the baby kick the other night. That’s why I was crying.”
“No,” I say like the one word will fix it all.
“Bo…”
“We’ve been together all this time and you said nothing. What the fuck?” I yell, embracing anger as I accept she’s telling the truth and the club owns her forever now.
“I wasn’t ready to tell anyone when I met you. Then, I didn’t want you to get mad and leave.”
“Now, you don’t care, huh?” I say, jumping up and pacing around. “All this fucking time you knew and you played me. Just like Wendi.”
Sydney looks exhausted as she stares up at me. “I never had a guy I wanted like I want you. I didn’t want to ruin things, but now I know it doesn’t matter.”
“Why doesn’t it matter?” I growl. “You’re just done with me? All of this was a game and you’re bored of playing.”
“No,” Sydney whispers, looking halfway between sad and terrified.
Leaning down, I glare at her. “If you want to make this right, you need to choose now. Me or the club bastard. I’m not helping you raise their kid, so you need to get rid of it.”
Sydney’s expression goes blank and I stare at a stranger. Once she stops hiding behind that wall, I see the pain my ultimatum causes her.
“Even if I thought you should stay here with me,” she whispers, sounding broken in a way that kills me, “I’d never kill my baby to make you happy. Fuck you for thinking I would.”
“I would have run off with you,” I say, leaning down until my nose nearly touches hers. “I was ready to make things real. I planned to say the words. All the romantic shit you bitches love. Then, you went and pissed everything away, so you could upgrade your status from whore to incubator.”
“You should still run,” she mumbles, moving past me and walking to the kitchen. I watch her drink half a soda then she looks at me and stares until I look away. I’m so angry I can’t speak, yet I keep hoping she’ll make it better. Sydney knows how to fix my pain and I need her to do it again.
“Johnny came into the restaurant today,” she says, fightin
g tears. “He was fishing for info to see if you were loyal. Kelly’s fucked up again or he will soon. Johnny is planning to send you back to prison or he’ll kill you to save the club a messy trial. You have to leave the Grove before it’s too late.”
Backing away from her, I feel lost. “You don’t care if I go.”
“I would rather you leave and be safe than stay and die,” Sydney says, sounding as broken as I feel.
Anger feels better than the pain eating at me now, so I grab my keys and head for the door. “Why would I believe you about anything now? You played with me until it was time for your easy payday from the club. I hope you enjoy the beating Diane and her old hag friends give you.”
Storming out of the trailer, I don’t know where to go. What’s the point anyway? Life outside of prison is bitter and ugly except for Sydney. Now, she’s another thing the club has stolen from me.
Chapter Twenty
Sydney
Breaking My Heart
My hand rests on my belly as I feel the baby kick. Even with Bo angry and gone, I don’t regret my plan to get out of being a club whore. I never feared the beating from the Gutters’s old ladies. I only want to be free of the touch of men I’ve learned to hate over the last year.
When Dad enters the trailer, he just knows. “You ought to run off with him.”
“He doesn’t want me as long as I have the baby. Besides, I can’t leave you.”
“You can have other babies, but only Bo makes you smile.”
Glaring at my father, I force him to lower his gaze. He sits in his chair and looks tired. “I was just trying to help.”
“Not like that.”
Washing the dishes, I miss Bo already and he’s only been gone for an hour. I don’t know if he’ll return for his stuff or send someone to pick it up. Will he shack up with a girl or find a place of his own? A part of me wonders if he’ll live here and treat me like the convenient whore we’ve pretended I am.
I change my clothes and prepare to visit the doctor. I’m getting an ultrasound to see my baby for the first time. I might even learn its gender. What should be a happy occasion isn’t because my heart hurts at losing Bo. Getting pregnant was a gamble when meeting a guy like Bo seemed impossible. Never a dreamer, I couldn’t imagine Bo existing outside of my fantasies.
“After I get the ultrasound pictures, I’ll go tell Johnny,” I say as Dad watches TV.
“Sure you want to rush into that?”
“I’m four months pregnant. Soon, I’ll be showing and Johnny will wonder why I hid it so long. Also, with Bo gone, other guys will come around and I don’t want any of them touching me again.”
“Sounds good, Syd,” Dad says, holding my gaze. “Sorry about earlier. I don’t want anything happening to my grandbaby, but I also hate seeing you hurting.”
“It’s okay,” I sigh, kissing the top of his head. “I’ll be home in a few hours.”
The heaviness in my chest doesn’t go away even when I laugh at the sight of my squirming baby. For the first time, I wish to be a dreamer because then I could imagine Bo returning to me even while I carried another man’s baby. I might dream of a way where Dad, Bo, and I could leave the Grove and be happy somewhere else. If I was a dreamer, the end of my story wouldn’t break my heart.
Chapter Twenty One
Bo
People Suck
I knew all about the liars and assholes. In prison, I’d been surrounded by scum. Murderers, rapists, and thieves of every stripe, they made excuses and told their lies. Now, I belonged to a bullshit motorcycle club. The Gutters were trash, every single one of them. I knew all of this, but I had let myself believe different about Sydney.
She reeked of victim and I felt bad for her. Life shit on her like it did on me. We were lost in a world of assholes, but found each other. All fucking fairytale shit, but I’m an asshole too. I want an easy life despite my baggage. With Sydney, I felt hope and power. No longer the loser who crapped on my life, I had value. Oh, but I knew better now.
Drinking away my sorrows does nothing except piss me off more. Sydney can’t get liquored up. She needs to be careful for the bastard growing inside her. The kid of one of the dozens of Gutters who fucked her when no one better was available. I hate her for wanting that kid, but I also hate her for not even trying to trick me into thinking it was mine.
The bar door opens and Mike enters. Even without looking up, I know it’s him because of the wheezing. I down the rest of my whiskey then wave for the waitress to bring me another. Mike joins me, but says nothing until he catches his breath.
“Drama takes the energy right out of me.”
“What do you want?”
Mike asks for a glass of water then sighs, still breathless. “I told her to tell you the kid was yours. She said no.”
“Is that supposed to make me applaud?”
“Sydney is an idiot when she loves someone. She’ll give up everything to make them happy, but how is anyone going to be really happy when she’s paying the price?”
“She doesn’t love me. If that’s the con you’re selling now, I’m not buying. She lied the whole time we were together.”
Mike gives me a sideways glance. “You’re being an asshole. Maybe that’s why she didn’t tell you sooner? Women get scared of assholes.”
“Fuck off,” I say without much heat.
“It’s my fault,” Mike mutters, sounding defeated. “I loved my wife too damn much. Loving Leigh made me believe nothing bad was ever going to happen to our family. I was spoiled. Somehow, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, yet turned out idealistic about life. When I met Leigh, I thought God loved me. Thought I was the luckiest man ever. When Sydney was born, I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. Such a good baby too. I thought nothing was ever going to go wrong. When it did, I fell apart like a pussy.”
Mike takes a sip of his water. “Have you ever been in love, Bo?”
“No,” I say, unwilling to admit otherwise.
“I just couldn’t function without Leigh. One minute, she was there next to me, my shadow in every decision. I woke up to her smile and dozed to her soft breathing. The world without her felt dead like it disappeared with her. Nothing was beautiful anymore. Even my precious Sydney just reminded me of her mom. Her face was like a cruel reminder of what I lost. I know I didn’t do right by my daughter. She took care of too much and thought it was her job to save me. She was always the kind of kid to give up her toys if someone else wanted them.”
Mike sips water then continues, “Once Leigh was gone and I fell apart, Sydney needing to please took over. It’s why she likes being a waitress. Serving people makes her happy. Makes her think she’s worth something. She’s still worth something when she takes what she wants, but she doesn’t get that. It’s why she gave you up. I still say she should have conned you into thinking you were the daddy. Make you claim her with the club then you two could disappear one day. You’d both be happier if she just played you.”
“You’re a dickhead.”
“I’m right though.”
“She’s not who I thought she was.”
“That’s not what you’re mad about. I know you’re not the smartest guy in the world, but you’re not an idiot either. You know Sydney is a self-sacrificing girl and she thinks you need saving. She wants to make you happy. Now, she wants to keep you safe. That’s exactly who you thought she was and that’s exactly who she turned out to be. You’re pissed she’s carrying a kid that belongs to your enemies. Somehow, you think that means she betrayed you. Like I said, you’re not the brightest guy.”
“What if it’s Kelly’s kid? You think I want to raise that fucker’s kid? It’ll probably be rotten at the core like him. I remember Kelly as a kid in school. He was always an evil fuck.”
“You ever notice the rest of the Reddy family? You wanna point out a single one that ain’t an evil fuck?”
“That’s my point.”
“That’s not biology and you know it. They’re evil
fucks because that’s how they raise them in that family. Pounding someone’s face in is worth a laugh with them. If Johnny and Diane had died when he was a baby and Kelly was raised by normal folk, he would have turned out alright. Just like Sydney’s baby will turn out right because she’ll raise it with love and rules. She’ll teach it how smacking around your girlfriend isn’t normal. Or how killing someone who owes you twenty bucks will lead you to a life in prison.”
“Sydney’s baby,” I whisper.
I hadn’t really thought about the part where the baby was hers. Just that it was theirs. Focusing on Mike, I let the idea of Sydney’s baby sink in.
“Let’s say you’re right about Sydney and I’m being an idiot. I still need to get the fuck out of the Grove. I know what it feels like to have people plotting against me. That’s what I feel in the air when I’m around the Gutters. They don’t trust me. I don’t blame them. I fucking hate them and would kill them if I could.”
Taking a deep breath, I let myself imagine Sydney. Really see her like I wouldn’t for the last three hours. She saw me at my worst asshole self and fell in love with me anyway. I still feel uneasy about her carrying the child of a fucker in the club. I want the kid to be mine, but maybe I can be a good enough man to raise the kid as my own. My dad treated Cal like his boy. He did his best, but Cal turned out like shit. I just hope I have better luck.
“She won’t leave with me unless you go too.”
Mike doesn’t react, but his eyes are expressive like Sydney’s. He thinks if he leaves the Grove that he’s choosing to shorten his life. He might be right, but I only care about getting away from here. I am already thinking about the baby growing in my woman. Yeah, my woman. The words sound right in my head like I had been denying the obvious until now. She’s in danger in the Grove. Our kid is too. We need to get the hell out.
“You didn’t do right by Sydney when she was a kid,” I tell him, pushing aside the whiskey in front of me. “I don’t blame you, I guess. You got screwed by life and lost the woman you loved. Now, you have a chance to do right by your daughter. She needs to get out of this fucking place. She needs to have our kid in a town where it won’t be the bastard of biker trash and a club whore. If you want to do right by Sydney and your grandchild, you need to go with us. Even if you don’t last long, you need to give your family what they need.”