I got up from the chair and began staggering toward the exit. There was blood all over my shirt and I knew my face would be a mess in the morning. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.
As I reached the door, I heard Paul shout. He was picking up the money I’d thrown on the floor.
“Hey, Kane.”
I held up my hand and gave him the finger without looking back.
“Kane, your picture of Carolyn is here on the ground.”
I stopped. I must have flung it when I’d thrown the money at him. I staggered back and grabbed it from him without saying a word, clenching it in my fist.
CHAPTER 9
KANE
I woke up next morning with a pain in my head like a jackhammer pounding through concrete.
I turned over, looking for Steph, then remembered she never showed up last night. Paul must have told her what I’d done. What an asshole I’d been. I’d be lucky if anyone wanted to talk to me for a while.
To be honest, I was glad Steph wasn’t there. Sure, I fucked her from time to time, but I never felt good afterwards. I never liked waking up next to her. I always hated myself. Being with anyone but Carolyn still hurt like crazy and made me feel like a piece of shit. Using Steph didn’t make me feel good either.
I looked at the clock next to my bed. Six a.m. on the dot. I was so set in my routine I didn’t need to set an alarm anymore. I woke at the crack of dawn each morning and caught the early morning surf.
It took a long time to get like this though. For months, getting out of bed was a struggle. Getting back into the ocean took even longer.
The accident shook me to my core. Robbed me of everything and everyone I’d ever loved. If I’d had the courage to kill myself, I would have. I honestly don’t know what kept me from doing it. Other than surfing that is.
I went to the back deck to get a wetsuit off the clothesline. It was another perfect, cloudless day and it was already warming up. I came back in the house and noticed the crumpled up picture of Carolyn next to my keys and wallet on the kitchen table. Proof that the shit show last night hadn’t just been a bad dream.
I flattened the picture and put it up on my fridge next to the other pictures of Carolyn and her daughter, Tamara. I paused to look at them but quickly walked away to get changed before I got sucked into another pit of depression.
I loved getting on the water early in the morning because not many people were out yet and it was peaceful. The best spot to surf wasn’t far down the highway. It was a gorgeous spot and always had perfect waves. I grabbed my things, got in my Jeep, and headed there.
The parking lot on top of the cliff was empty when I pulled up. A steep, winding trail led down from the cliffs to the beach but before heading down, I went to my lookout point. I always went there before my surf. It’s a patch of grass covered with wildflowers on an outcrop of rock hidden by trees. I go there and look out at the ocean, the morning mist rising off the water, and try to find some sort of peace inside.
Memories of Carolyn and Tamara playing and laughing in the wildflowers flashed through my mind. The girls loved it there. It was our weekly tradition to pack a picnic and come here to eat dinner and watch the sunset. Carolyn was an amazing cook and an even better mother. Sometimes, she’d make crowns for her and Tamara out of the wild flowers. Tamara fell over laughing when Carolyn made one for me too.
I never knew Tamara’s father. Carolyn was single when I met her. I’d heard about him though.
I heard about the time he threw Tamara’s puppy off a two hundred foot high bridge just to see what would happen when he hit the water. I heard about the time he held Carolyn’s head under the water in the bathtub until she almost passed out. I saw with my own eyes the bruises, scars, and cigarette burns on both Carolyn and Tamara.
Tamara was four years old when Carolyn finally decided she couldn’t take the abuse any longer. She was terrified to leave, but she was more terrified of the kind of life her daughter would have if she stayed.
One night when her ex was passed out drunk on the couch, she packed up the car and left with Tamara in the middle of the night. She drove for hours and didn’t have any idea where she was running to. She had no one to turn to and no where to go. It was pure survival instinct that kept her going.
She didn’t stop until she reached the ocean.
That’s when I met her. I’d just finished my morning surf. I was soaking wet and carrying my board up the path to the parking lot. This is the exact spot I first laid eyes on her. She was glowing in the morning sun like an angel, her little daughter asleep in her arms. She smiled at me and in that moment I knew she was the woman I’d been looking for all my life.
From then on, we were inseparable. I helped Carolyn get set up and start her new life here in Pismo Beach. She literally had nothing with her, no clothes, no furniture, and no money. I insisted they stay with me while they got settled. Days grew into weeks, and weeks grew into months and they never ended up finding their own place. I didn’t want them to. I loved having them in my home with me. I spent all my time with those two girls. When I was with them, I felt whole.
It didn’t take Tamara long to warm up to me. I never thought I wanted kids until she came into my life. The way she looked at me, the way she laughed when I threw her in the air, or clung to me when I tried to send her to kindergarten, made me feel like she was my very own flesh and blood. And that’s how I loved her, like she was my own.
One night, about a year after they moved in, I walked past Tamara’s room as Carolyn was tucking her in for the night. I heard Tamara say she wished I was her real dad, and Carolyn said she did too.
That was the only time in my life I ever cried from happiness.
The next morning I asked Tamara for permission to marry her mother. I was nervous, even though I knew she’d say yes. We planned my proposal together, taking extra care to make sure it would be as romantic as possible. Tamara insisted we make her breakfast in bed and hide the ring in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of all the places to put an expensive engagement ring, that was about my last choice, but who was I to argue with the romantic imagination of the cutest girl in the world?
I could tell Carolyn knew something was up when she caught me nervously watching her take a bite out of the sandwich. I was half nervous about asking her, and half nervous she’d choke on the damn thing. Although my nerves didn’t give it away as much as Tamara did when she leapt to her feet on our bed and asked if the ring was in her mouth yet.
We all laughed and within seconds Carolyn’s laughter turned to tears of happiness when she opened the sandwich and found the ring.
I took it from her and cleaned it off before putting it on her finger. I told them both how much I loved them, and how my life only became complete when I found them. I promised I would never do anything to hurt them. I swore I would always protect them and keep them safe. They’d been through enough pain and suffering, and I vowed to keep them from it always.
Carolyn said yes, over and over, and then we kissed passionately. Tamara wrapped her little arms around both of us and giggled in happiness. They were my family, and everyday I thanked God for bringing them into my life.
I felt my body tense and my fists clench as I stared out at the ocean. I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. It was hard to think that terrible things could happen in a world as beautiful as the one before my eyes. I bent down and picked the two most beautiful wildflowers in the patch and headed back to my jeep to grab my board.
The ocean water was always cooler in the morning, but that’s the way I liked it. The cold hit me in a cleansing, refreshing way. I held the flowers between my teeth, climbed on my board, and paddled out into the waves, following the path of light toward the rising sun. I sat up on my board, holding the wildflowers in my hand. Softly, I said the prayer that Carolyn, Tamara and I said together every single morning.
Dear Lord,
Please keep your loving arms around our family. Keep us always pr
otected, secured, loved and blessed.
Amen
I put the wildflowers in the ocean in front of me. They drifted away as I watched the first wave of the morning rise up before me. I paddled hard, caught the wave just as it was taking shape, and let the ocean take control.
CHAPTER 10
MEADOW
I woke with a start, glancing around the room frantically. I had no idea where I was. I wasn’t in my bedroom and it took a few seconds for the events of the day before to come rushing back to me.
I was in a motel. I’d walked out on Matt. I was in a completely new town, and some asshole had insulted me in front of the entire bar.
I rolled over to check the time on the large, outdated clock radio. Six a.m. I was exhausted, and really, I had nowhere I needed to be, so I rolled over to fall back asleep. I felt like I could sleep for a year straight.
Seconds later, my eyes shot wide open and I sat straight up in the bed. I had to get up and find a drug store before the town came to life. I was wearing last night’s makeup, yesterday’s clothes, and I didn’t need to look in a mirror to know my hair was a fright. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair.
When was the last time I ever left the house without my hair and makeup done?
Never.
I was not looking forward to going out in public like this.
Before I left my room, I wanted to know exactly where I was going so I could get there as quickly as possible. I grabbed my purse and reached inside for my phone, sitting back down on the bed to do a quick search. I hit the home button and got no response. I hit the home button again, and then every other button a few times before finally accepting that my phone had died.
Of course I forgot my charger.
I put my shoes on, grabbed my sunglasses, and left without even glancing at the mirror. Why look when I already knew what I’d see?
At least it was already sunny out so I could hide behind my shades. I got in my car and drove around to the Motel lobby. As much as I didn’t want to be seen, I did want the free coffee I saw advertised when I checked in. I approached the door and was relieved when I looked through the glass and didn’t see anyone at the front desk. I could sneak in, grab my coffee and be on my way.
I opened the door and an electronic bell chimed above my head.
Damnit, I grumbled to myself.
“Good morning, Miss. You’re up early. Did you sleep well?”
The receptionist was an older woman, just emerging from the back room.
“Ha, ha. I did. Sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to grab a coffee.”
“Oh, no disruption at all. The overnight shift can be a lonely one, so this is my favorite time, when the guests start to wake up. What brings you to Pismo Beach?” she asked with a smile.
Clearly, my plan to grab a coffee without being spotted had failed. Not only did it fail, but I ran into the one person who was desperate enough for human interaction that she was willing to talk to me without any makeup on.
It was hard to be too annoyed with her though. She was friendly and polite and I gave her a genuine smile.
“Well, I guess you could say I ended up here by accident. I left Palo Alto yesterday, determined to drive as far away as possible. This is as far as I got.”
“Well, what a lovely town for you to stumble upon. I’ve lived here my entire life. My late husband and I opened this motel together forty-eight years ago.”
She pointed proudly at the portrait of the couple in their younger years hanging on the wall behind her.
“I hope you’re staying a while. It’s so beautiful this time of year. I’m sure your room is available for the next couple nights.”
She flipped through the reservation book to double check.
“Oh, I don’t think so. I really should be on my way.”
“I didn’t realize you were on a schedule. Where are you headed?”
I still hadn’t given it any thought.
Where was I going?
What was I doing?
Did I really think leaving my husband would be as simple as getting in my car and driving away?
“I just need to get away. Far away.”
“And this isn’t far enough?”
“I don’t think so.”
The lady nodded as if she knew exactly what I meant.
“Trouble with your old man?” she said, genuinely concerned.
“Let’s just say, it’s time for a fresh start. A new beginning. To be honest, I’m not sure where I’m headed, but I trust God to land me in the right spot,” I said while putting a lid on the paper cup of coffee.
“If there’s one man worth putting your trust in, it’s Him,” she said with a motherly smile.
“Actually, one place I do need to go to today is a store. Is there a place I could pick up some bathroom essentials, clothing, a phone charger?”
The woman’s eyebrows rose.
“You really are starting from scratch, aren’t you?”
I nodded.
“Well,” she said, “there are a few little stores near here but if you’re looking for a one stop shop, you’ll want to head to Walmart. Right down the highway, along the coast. It’s so early though darling, nothing will be open for at least another hour.”
I slumped in disappointment but the woman laughed.
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
With that, she put a tray of fresh, still warm muffins on the counter and offered me one. I gladly accepted.
She watched me as I chewed.
“Take two back to your room. You never can have too many fresh muffins, that’s my motto.”
She slipped two steaming muffins into a takeaway bag and handed it to me. I wanted to run around the counter and throw my arms around her. I hadn’t seen kindness like that in a very long time.
CHAPTER 11
MEADOW
I got back into my car with the coffee and fresh muffins but instead of heading back to my room, I decided to go for a drive. It was such a beautiful morning, and since I got into town so late, I really hadn’t seen what Pismo Beach had to offer. I followed the signs for the beach.
I rounded a corner and caught my first glimpse of the Pacific Ocean. It was breathtaking. The morning mist was lifting in the distance and the sun sparkled on the water like diamonds. I was in awe. The beauty was distracting as I tried to drive along the road, curving my way around steep cliffs.
Around the next tight bend, I noticed a beautiful beach at the bottom of the cliff. A little further up was a parking lot. One other car was parked there, a Jeep, but no one seemed to be around. I decided to stop and take in the view while I enjoyed my breakfast. I parked facing the ocean, opened the sunroof and put down all the windows. The ocean air was warm and fresh.
From the corner of my eye I noticed a man carrying a surfboard down to the beach. He was in the distance but I could tell from the way his wetsuit clung to his body he was super hot. I stopped what I was doing and watched in a trance as he made his way to the ocean.
For the second time since arriving at Pismo Beach, I realized I was in a town with an unusually hot male population.
As he walked, he switched his board to the other arm, and that’s when I noticed he was also carrying two wildflowers. Two wildflowers that seemed very out of place. He was rugged and ripped with long, messy hair and a stubbled face but there he was, holding two vibrant, delicate flowers.
It made me curious.
I didn’t take my eyes off of him as he walked toward the water. He paused at the water’s edge and looked around as if he was afraid someone would see what he was doing. The second his face turned my way I recognized him.
It was that asshole from the brewery the night before.
Of course it was. Just my luck.
There I was, trying to have a relaxing morning, and now my blood was boiling. I wanted to scream. He’d been so freaking mean. So freaking rude.
The day I finally put myself first, the day
I leave my cheating, lying husband behind, what does the first man I encounter do?
He treats me like shit, that’s what.
What did I ever do to the universe that I deserve such bad treatment from men. I honestly couldn’t imagine a girl with less luck in the love department than me. First, I was cursed with falling in love with a lying cheat. Now, I’m cursed with strangers calling me fat in restaurants!
Maybe it was me. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I brought it on myself.
I’d played my part in the scene at the bar last night. I’d said some pretty awful things to that guy, things I regretted. I’d called him a sad, pathetic drunk. That wasn’t like me.
But looking at him now, I knew I didn’t deserve what he’d done. The comments, the insults, the big, heavy duty chair.
Fuck. Him.
I hated this jerk. I don’t care how hot he is.
I watched him paddle his board out into the ocean. He lay flat on his board with the flowers in his mouth to protect them. Despite my anger, I was still curious to see what he was doing with those flowers.
Why on earth was he bringing them out to the water?
And why did his ass have to look so damn perfect in that wetsuit?
Seriously, it was like a perfectly ripe piece of fruit. No, one of those marble statues from ancient Rome. I imagined grabbing those two, ripe cheeks in my greedy hands and squeezing them.
As the waves began to wash up against him, I felt a wetness of my own between my legs.
What would it feel like to hate fuck that guy? For him to really give it to me? For him to take out all the anger from the night before, all the aggression and rage, and unleash it on my tiny, defenseless body?
I squirmed in my seat.
He sat up and straddled his board, holding the flowers as he stared off into the distance. The board rose and fell with the rise and fall of the waves. I couldn’t help but imagine the abs that must have been under that wetsuit. The way the sun was shining down made him glow.
The way he looked, sitting there staring at the ocean, made me feel there must be more to him than what I saw the night before in the brewery.
I watched as he carefully placed the flowers in the water in front of his board. He slowly sat back up and I was pretty sure I saw his hands make the sign of the cross.
Fire & Ice: A Ménage Fantasy Page 26