“Trust me. It’s not you. He’s been through some heavy things and he doesn’t have the best handle on his emotions.”
“You can say that again.”
Sandra sighed. “I know. I can’t make excuses for him, but he’s a complicated guy.”
“Everyone’s got their issues,” I said. “What makes him so special?”
“Well, you want the long version or the short?”
I looked at Sandra with an expression that said I wanted to know why this guy seemed to be trying to singlehandedly ruin my life.
She took a deep breath.
“A couple years ago there was a tragic accident in town that shook everyone, but it destroyed Kane.”
“What kind of accident?” I said, thinking about the ways Kane had acted around me and trying to make sense of things.
“He had his heart broken in the worst way imaginable. I shouldn’t say more though. He’s very private. You saw that for yourself already. He’d be livid if he knew we were talking about him. Especially what happened that day.”
“Yeah, I mentioned I saw him surfing and he flipped out.”
“Well, trust me on one thing, Meadow. It’s not you. Try not to take his behavior personally.”
“It’s kind of hard when he’s calling me fat, blowing up in front of me, losing his shit.”
“I know. I know. You’ve really seen the worst side of him, but he’s actually got a good heart.”
“I’ll have to see it to believe it,” I said, and knew I sounded harsher than I felt.
“Actually, he’s got one of the best hearts I’ve ever known,” Sandra said.
That made me feel kind of bad. It’s never a good sign when a guy with a good heart seems to hate your guts. It made me wonder if maybe he was right. Maybe it was me who was the problem.
“Well, I’ll have to take your word for it,” I said. “Because clearly he’s not making an effort to show me that he has a heart at all.”
I forced myself not to cry any more. Sandra had already put up with enough emotion from me. She hardly knew me and was being so kind. I poked at the food on my plate and gave her a weak smile.
“You really seem to be have having a rough go. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? I don’t mean to pry, but it seems like maybe you could use a friend.”
I looked at her. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about things, especially with someone I’d just met. She was kind, she had trusting eyes, but I’d been through a lot with Matt and it was a long story. I didn’t want to burden her with my tale of betrayal, crushed dreams, and a broken heart.
Why would she care? I was just a random customer.
“I’m sorry, Sandra. I really didn’t mean to create a scene in here this morning. I already feel bad enough about what went down at the brewery last night. Let’s just say, it’s been a very interesting couple of days for me.”
Sandra nodded but said nothing, leaving a silence between us that, combined with the kind look in her eyes, made me feel safe enough to say more.
“I wouldn’t even know where to start, honestly. Yesterday, I walked out on my cheating husband and just started driving. I had no plan. I didn’t know where I was going. I still don’t know where I’m going. But I know I can’t go back. I refuse to. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I deserve better than the life I had with my husband. Kane told me to go home, but the reality is I don’t have a home.”
Sandra reached out and put her hand on my shoulder.
“Wow. No wonder you’re feeling so emotional.”
I nodded.
“I can’t help but notice the giant engagement ring on your necklace. You keep playing with it.”
“Nervous tick,” I said.
I stopped fidgeting with my necklace and clenched the engagement ring in a fist. I hadn’t even noticed I was playing with it. She caught me off guard by bringing it up. In the whirlwind of the last twenty-four hours, I didn’t realize I still had it around my neck. I had given the wedding band off my finger to those bikers, but I didn’t give them my engagement ring.
Had I really forgotten about it in the rush of the moment?
Or had I subconsciously held onto it because I didn’t want to believe the marriage was actually over?
Did I still have it around my neck because deep down, I hoped I’d end up back with Matt? Was it my way of staying attached to him? I’d been married to Matt for so many years. The engagement ring was all I had left to show it had ever even happened.
Sandra looked at me like she was worried she’d gone too far with her questions.
“I hate cheaters,” Sandra said. “Getting news like that is the worst pain the world. It must have been such a shock.”
I nodded. “I guess I’d known for years, but I never fully admitted it to myself until yesterday.”
“I’m really sorry, Meadow.”
“I just feel like such an idiot, you know? I should have left him years ago. The marriage was over almost before it even started. What does it say about me that I stayed with him so long?”
“It says it was a difficult decision to make.”
“I threatened to leave before, and I meant it. Last time I caught him I was sure I was done with him. But he begged me to stay. He begged and begged. He made so many promises, gave me so many gifts, even said we could start a family. That was when I stopped wearing my engagement ring. I was too upset with him. I kept the wedding band on, but I put the engagement ring around my neck. I said it would stay there until we had a marriage I could believe in again.”
“Your poor heart. You deserve better than that. Good for you for leaving him.”
“He betrayed me, he broke all of my trust. He broke my heart. He broke me, Sandra. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix myself.”
I could feel my eyes begin to fill with tears again. Sandra took my hand in hers.
“The first time I caught him, we were just newlyweds. I never told him I knew. I kept it a secret and tried to forgive him because we were young and I was desperate to be a good wife. But he did it over and over and I started to wonder if it was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Meadow. Don’t believe that for a single second.”
“I thought about leaving him for years, but I could never find the courage to do it. I had become so dependent on him. I thought I needed him to survive.”
A bell rang above the door and Sandra looked up.
“Shoot. I’m sorry. I have to get back to work. We’re so short staffed. It’s only me running the place today. I want to hear the rest of this, Meadow. I really hope you stick around. Don’t listen to Kane. Pismo Beach is a great place for you to start over, and you have as much right as anyone to be here.”
I smiled. It was nice to feel wanted for a change.
“Oh, and don’t worry about the bill. This one’s on me. And not because I don’t think you can take care of yourself!”
I laughed. She was making a joke, but the truth was, I really was scared of proving I could fend for myself without Matt. I’d never in my life earned a single dollar. I wanted to think like Sandra, I wanted to believe that Matt was wrong about me, but I was scared.
I thanked her and packed up to leave. Before walking away, she stopped and asked one more question.
“I have to know, Meadow. What was different about yesterday? What finally gave you the courage to leave?”
I paused to think about it for a moment.
“I guess you could say I finally felt I had protection. Matt cheated on me with a girl who had something I never had. She had a Brotherhood of guys who were willing to stand up for her. They opened the door to a new life for me, and showed me I had the strength and courage to walk through it.”
CHAPTER 17
KANE
I got to my shop, put my playlist on shuffle, and turned the volume up full blast. I grabbed my tool box and headed to the boat I was working on.
The shop had been busy for weeks now, and I was
thankful for it. Not just because it kept me in business, but because I really loved my job. I enjoyed working with my hands, I liked getting dirty. I liked the challenge of taking things apart and figuring out what was wrong with them, then putting them back together. I always felt proud when I returned a customer’s boat, truck, car or motorcycle to them, good as new.
I had promised the owner of the boat I’d have it fixed by the end of day so I got straight to it. I appreciated the distraction.
Not long after I started, Paul showed up. It was his day off from the brewery. He’d promised to help me out because I was so busy and he knew his way around an engine, but after what happened last night I thought he’d have changed his mind.
“Hey,” I said.
He gave me a nod that said we didn’t need to exchange any more words.
“About last night,” I said.
He shook his head.
“Don’t say anything, Kane. I’m still mad at you.”
I looked at him and gave him an apologetic smile. I knew what I’d done and he knew it too. The fact he was here said he was a better friend than I deserved.
I let him get started on a motorcycle we were fixing for a friend and got back to my own work. It didn’t take long for me to get in the zone. Working and surfing were the only two times I didn’t feel miserable and the reason for both was the same. Because I could forget myself. I could forget who I was and what had happened. With the loud music and the challenge of the engine I was working with, I forgot all my worries.
And then Paul got my attention.
“Dude, your phone keeps going off.”
“What?” I yelled over the music.
“Your phone,” he said, pointing at it.
“Sure,” I said. “I’ll get a BLT and some coffee. I missed breakfast.”
“No, idiot. Your phone. You’ve received at least ten texts in the past ten minutes. And I’m pretty sure it rang a few times too.”
“Oh. Damn.”
I took the rag from my back pocket and wiped my hands before grabbing my phone. They were all texts and missed calls from Steph. I let out a frustrated sigh. Just what I needed, more female drama. I had none of it during the two years I avoided women like the plague. I should have known better than to get involved with them again.
Women are trouble. It’s as simple as that.
I turned down the music so that I could think straight.
First text.
“We need to talk about us.”
Oh no we don’t.
I put my phone back down without reading the rest of the messages. I had no interest in seeing what Steph was saying. I needed a break from all the drama. First that new chick from out of town, now Steph.
I needed to focus on getting the job done.
Paul looked up from the engine he was working on.
“Who was it?”
“You know who.”
“What was so urgent.”
I shrugged.
“Hell if I know. I’ll get back to her later.”
“Did you even read her texts?”
I shook my head.
“I’m at work, Paul. She can wait.”
“Man. What is up with you lately? The scene last night? And now Steph?”
“What do you care?”
“I fucking care, man. Don’t you think you’ve strung Steph along long enough?”
“I never strung her along.”
“Yeah, right. It’s clear to the entire town she’s in love with you.”
“Fuck you,” I said, feeling defensive.
“No, fuck you, Kane. You need to either show Steph some commitment or cut her loose.”
“Oh, really, Paul? You’re going to go there now?”
“Why shouldn’t I? I’ve watched you play with her long enough. I get you’ve got your issues and all, but you’re being a selfish dick and I’m sick of watching it.”
“Issues?” I said, pulling hard on my wrench.
A bolt was stuck and as Paul kept yakking, my grip on the wrench slipped, crashing my fist against a sharp edge of sheet metal. Blood poured all over the engine.
“Fuck,” I yelled, pulling the rag from my back pocket and tying it around my hand.
I looked at Paul. He sighed and went to the first aid kit on the wall. He opened it and took out some bandages and alcohol.
“Come here,” he said.
I held out my hand and he untied the rag.
“Nice work, buddy.”
“Yeah, thanks. I’m a real pro at life, lately.”
“This is going to sting,” he said, opening the bottle of alcohol.
“Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this.”
He gave me a wink then poured the alcohol over the gash in my hand. It stung like hell and I winced.
“Look, all I’m saying is Steph is a cool chick, Kane.”
He wrapped a clean bandage around my hand and taped it up.
“She wants to get more serious with you. Why don’t you give her the chance?”
“She told you that?”
He looked away then looked back at me. “Yes.”
“So she talks about us with you?”
“Yes. You got a problem with that too?”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, man. I know I’m a real pain in the ass lately. I’m surprised you’re still my friend.”
“I’ll always be your friend, Kane.”
“And I thought I had problems,” I said, smiling.
He hit me on the arm and I relaxed a little.
“Paul, I know what she wants. I know she’s a great girl, too. And I know she deserves better.”
“But?”
“But you saw first hand what happened last time I let someone in. My whole world fell apart. It destroyed me. I can’t take that risk again.”
He looked at me and the look of sympathy on his face made me feel ashamed. You know things are bad when your best friend pities you.
Another text came in and I sighed.
It was from Steph.
“I’m coming to the shop.”
“Oh, great,” I said.
“What did she say?”
“She’s on her way here. Just what I need.”
“Look, dude. Just talk to her. She deserves that much. She’s been holding out hope you’ll come around, but if that’s not happening, you need to let her go.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Just call her, man. She’s not a monster. She’s on your side.”
“Thanks, Paul.”
Paul shrugged.
“Don’t worry about the boat. I’m on it.”
I dialed Steph’s number and walked out of the shop to the parking lot. It took her no time to answer.
“Finally. What the hell, Kane? Why have you been ignoring me?”
“Steph, come on. I had music playing. I couldn’t hear the phone.”
“Did you even read my texts or listen to the voicemail messages I left?”
“No. I haven’t had time. But here I am. What’s so important that it can’t wait?”
“Why are you talking to me like that? What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing Steph. I just want to know what’s the big emergency all of a sudden?”
She sighed. I knew this was difficult for her so I stopped giving her a hard time.
“Kane. I know you said you’re not looking for anything serious, but we’ve been spending a lot of time together and I really feel like there’s an amazing connection between us.”
“Steph…”
“Please, let me finish. I’ve been calm, I’ve been patient, and I’ve respected all of your boundaries. I’ve shown you kindness, compassion. When I’m with you, I feel happy. Each time I see you, I feel myself fall a little more in love with you. But something’s missing. After we make love, you’re so cold toward me. It kills me on the inside. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to be with you, Kane. To really be with you. I want to spend time with you, not just s
ex. I want us to take this next step.”
I let out a long sigh. I knew what I was about to say was going to break this girl’s heart. She was right. She’d been kind to me. She’d been nothing but good. She didn’t deserve this. But if there’s one thing life taught me, it’s that life isn’t fair. Life is a motherfucker.
“I don’t want that Steph. Not with you. Not with anyone. I’m not ready.”
She went silent. It was like I could hear her heart shatter through the phone. I kept explaining.
“I’ve been clear with you from the very start. I’m sorry you felt there was something more. But there isn’t. There never will be.”
She wasn’t saying anything back. I could tell she was crying. What was with all the crying women lately?
Was it something in air? Or was it that I was just the world’s biggest asshole.
I heard her take a deep breath.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” she gasped, tears choking her words. “I really believed there was something real between us, Kane.”
I said nothing and she continued.
“I can’t believe this. I can’t fucking believe this. I’m leaving town. I have to. I can’t be here.”
I didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter because she kept talking.
“Good luck finding another woman. I know your heart was broken, and I’m sorry, but you’ll never feel happy again if you keep hiding behind a brick wall. It’s making you cold and distant. You’re keeping everyone who cares about you out. It must be lonely being you. I feel sorry for you Kane.”
I knew where she was headed and I spoke up to change the subject.
“Where will you go?”
“To my sister’s in Colorado.”
She paused, as if giving me a chance to tell her not to go.
“Good bye,” I said.
She hung up. Conversations like this had come up between us in the past, but without fail, after a few days, or a few beers, we’d find our way back to each other. It had become an addiction for both of us. This time was different. It was really over. And I was glad.
She deserved better. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was just filling a void with her, the void Carolyn left the day I lost her.
Fire & Ice: A Ménage Fantasy Page 29