Boy Meets Girl
Page 14
But I’m just saying. It isn’t because I want to be married that I broke up with Dale. It’s because if he doesn’t love me enough to want to marry me, then he doesn’t love me at all.
Or something like that. Know what I mean? God, I HATE talking to my mother, she always gets me confused.
Kate
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Your mother
I get what you mean. Hey, shouldn’t you be meeting your lunch date round about now? It’s almost 12:30.
J
* * *
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: My mother
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m late!
Oh my God, I knew I should have made Jen switch skirts with me, I must look like the biggest slut in the world, it’s no wonder he took that call on his cell and has been out in the restaurant lobby
South Sea Shark’s Fin for Two $19.95
for so long, he’s probably embarrassed to be seen with me, and who can blame him, I look like Alyssa
Crab Meat Asparagus Bisque for Two $8.95
Milano on Charmed or whatever. He’s probably scared of me, oh God why did I ever
Fish Maw Chowder $8.95
say I would have lunch with him? I mean, he’s a LAWYER, after all, and I’ve always sworn . . .
Fish Filet in Broth for Two $7.95
but he’s just so nice, and the chicken in garlic sauce IS really good here, and I’m sure his call must
Chengdu Wonton in Broth $3.50
be really important, and he DID look really annoyed when he saw who it was on the caller ID.
Hot and Sour Soup $3.50
Probably it’s about a really important case or something. I hope it’s not that Clarissa girl, I really don’t
Chicken Corn Egg Drop Soup $3.50
think he’d have taken it if it was, although maybe, who knows? It’s kind of funny, I really don’t think he likes Amy all that much. He says people who exercise that many times a day scare him, which is good
Pan-seared Dumplings $4.95
because God knows I could barely move yesterday after that run around the reservoir the day before.
Steamed Vegetable Dumpling $4.95
Not that it was much of a run considering the fact that Dolly stopped every 60 seconds to talk to
Spareribs $6.95
someone who was going by, God she knows everyone in the world, it seems like. Plus he likes the
Fantail Shrimp $6.95
Travel Channel, which means we already have something in common, not that we like it for the same
Cantonese Roast Duck $5.95
reason, he likes it because he’s been to all those places, I like it because now I don’t have to go, since I
Shanghai Vegetable Spring Roll $2.50
saw it already on TV. But still that’s something, anyway, more than I had in common with Dale, except
Chilled Noodles with Spicy Vinaigrette $4.50
that we grew up together and both like, you know, sex. And he was the nicest boy in the whole school,
Stir Fried Chicken with Lettuce Taco $6.95
and the only one who was even remotely interested in anything besides football. And he’s
Sichuan Pork Dumpling with Chili Vinaigrette $4.50
not a businessy type of person (Dale, I mean), because I don’t know if I could be with someone who is
Fried Taro Toast $3.95
always worried about the bottom line or whatever, at least Dale was in a creative profession. Not like I’m going out with Mitch Hertzog, or anything. I mean, I WISH. It’s just lunch, for God’s sake. To talk about taking a restraining order out on Dale.
Only he’s SO NICE—Mitch, I mean—and he smells good, too, and he has on a Spiderman tie today. He says his nieces gave it to him, too. God, I hope it isn’t serious between Mitch and that Praying Mantis girl. OH MY GOD
IS THAT SCROGGS????
* * *
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Lunch
Please let me apologize one more time. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SUIT. I don’t know what came over Dale, I really don’t. I guess he thought we were out on a date or something, ha ha! Well, you know he’s a little unstable. But really nonviolent. Except toward suits, apparently.
PLEASE, you’ve got to send me the dry-cleaning bill. I owe you that much at least.
Kate
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: You
What happened????? You look white as a sheet. Did one of those video voyeurs get a shot up that skirt of yours as you were coming down the steps outside the building? Because we can track down the guy and have a blanket party on his head if you want. I know people who can make it happen.
J
* * *
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: What happened
Oh, just the USUAL. I made a complete and utter fool of myself. WHY can’t I EVER pass myself off as a cool-headed businesswoman? WHY???
Of COURSE we were having a perfectly nice time—well, except that he got this call in the middle of the meal, but whatever, it was probably some multimillion-dollar deal he’s working on, or something—when who should come in to the restaurant but DALE, and the whole rest of the I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches crew, and he starts making this big deal out of how I’m there, like it’s kismet or something, only he kept calling it schism, and then Mitch walked up and was like, “Sorry about that,” and sat down across from me, and next thing I knew, Dale had thrown the entire platter of chicken in garlic sauce on Mitch.
So there I am, lamely trying to wipe it off him, which meant, of course, that I actually had to touch him, although it was through a napkin, but can I just take a moment to say hubba-hubba? I mean, I could FEEL his muscles through all the stir-fried rice. How does a lawyer get all built up like that? I mean, Dale plays guitar, but you know, his chest practically caves in and he mostly looks anemic. . . .
But anyway.
It was just mortifying, all right? What do I DO??? I made Dale apologize, but you could tell he didn’t mean it. And I guess I can’t really blame him, we WERE talking about taking out a restraining order against him, but really, it’s all Dale’s fault. I mean, Del Monte peaches? Who DOES that?
What do you think I should do? Send flowers? Or candy? That seems sort of . . . not right. For a guy, I mean. What would you do? I mean, if it had been Craig. And you two weren’t married. But you still thought he was way hot and wanted him to like you. Even though he’s a soulless corporate drone. Who likes Spiderman.
I mean, I e-mailed him, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Know what I mean?
I really, truly wish I were dead.
Kate
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: What happened
You did the right thing. Believe me, if this guy is interested, he’ll forgive you.
But what about Dale? Are you going for the restraining order or not? Seems like YOU’RE not the one who should file for it. Mr. Muscle should.
Could you tell if he had a six-pack?
J
* * *
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: What happened
The restraining order! Oh! I forgot all about it!
Definite six-pack.
The guy is cut.
Oh my God. I can’t believe I just wrote that.
Kate
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: What happened
God dammit. Blondes really do have more fun.
J
* * *
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Lunch
You don’t owe me anything. Look, really, don’t worry about it. How were you to know the label would pick THAT restaurant, out of all the restaurants in Manhattan, to take your ex-boyfriend’s band to lunch after signing their big deal? It IS midtown, and there ARE a lot of record companies in Manhattan.
And I thought he comported himself very well, after the initial surprise.
The garlic sauce will come out.
If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I am so sorry about that horrifically long phone call. It’s just that my little sister is home from college, and there’ve been some issues between her and my mother, and somehow, I always seem to get caught up in the middle. . . .
Anyway, if you’d really like to make it up to me, we can try again. How about dinner Friday night?
Let me know.
Mitch
P.S. Actually, considering what happened today, I think it might be safer if we were to eat in. My place okay? I make a mean shrimp scampi.
P.P.S. Want to give me a clue as to why your ex’s band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches? Not that I’m aching to go out and buy their new album. Just curious.
* * *
To: Mitch Hertzog
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Dinner
I would love to have dinner at your place, if you’re sure it’s not too much trouble. And you have to let me bring something. Dessert all right? Thanks for asking . . . and for being so understanding about Dale.
The reason his band is called I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches is because Dale used to work in the only bagel shop in downtown Luxor, Kentucky, where we both grew up, and people used to come in all the time and ask for bagel sandwiches—you know, like ham and cheese on a bagel, or peanut butter and jelly—and Dale didn’t think that was right, because he thinks bagels don’t make good sandwich bread, because they’re too thick and you can’t get a good bite without scraping your gums or whatever, so he went on this kind of strike and would only put traditional things on the bagels, like smoked salmon and cream cheese, and the manager got mad and asked him what he was doing, and Dale yelled, “I’m not making any more sandwiches,” and so they fired him—unjustly, he felt.
Anyway, the local newspaper heard about the bagel controversy, and they ran a big front-page story on it, along with a big photo of Dale. The caption read, I’m Not Making Any More Sandwiches. And the phrase just caught on around town, and so the guys in the band, to capitalize on the modicum of celebrity Dale had, started calling their band that, and the name just stuck.
Wish I could chat more, but I have a staff meeting to attend. Talk to you later!
Kate
New York Journal
Human Resources Division Staff Meeting
Agenda:
Oh my God, could this be more boring? I can’t believe the T.O.D. dragged me from an e-mail from Mitch for this.
—K
Review of Unlawful Harassment Policy
The Company is committed to providing a work environment free of unlawful harassment.
So. Mitch, is it now? You like him!
—J
Company policy prohibits harassment because of sex (which includes sexual harassment, gender harassment, and harassment due to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions)—
Shut up.
You do. Admit it.
—and harassment because of race, religious creed, color, national origin or ancestry, physical or—
He did ask me over for dinner on Friday night.
—mental disability, medical condition, marital status, political affiliation, age, sexual orientation—
OVER for dinner? SEXY. It had to have been the skirt. It couldn’t have been the garlic sauce down his pants, now could it?
—or any other basis protected by federal, state, or local law or ordinance of regulation. All such harassment is unlawful. Prohibited unlawful harassment includes, but is not limited to, the following behavior:—
Shut up. God, I hate this. By the way, I said I’d bring dessert. Can I have your lemon-bar recipe?
Does Mitch really strike you as the lemon-bar type? I think he’s more seven-layer cookie, myself.
Verbal misconduct such as epithets, derogatory jokes or comments, slurs or unwanted sexual advances.
Seven-layer cookies are too heavy.
For what? For a little apres dinner—
Visual misconduct such as derogatory and/or sexually oriented posters, photography, cartoons, or gestures, including those accessed or sent via e-mail.
SHUT UP!
How did you know what I was going to write?
Physical conduct such as assault, unwanted touching, blocking normal movement or interfering with work because of sex, race, or any other protected basis.
Because I know you. God, this is so BORING!
You’re telling me. Why is she wearing tan pantyhose? Are we all supposed to believe she went to Aruba for the weekend, and only her legs got tan?
Threats and demands to submit to sexual requests as a condition of continued employment, or to avoid some other loss, and offers of employment benefits in return for sexual favors; and—
She must have run out of nude ones. And I know for a fact that she didn’t go to Aruba for the weekend.
—retaliation for having reported or threatened to report harassment.
I saw her at the Met Saturday night.
If you/one of your clients believe you/he/she have/has been unlawfully harassed, provide a written or verbal complaint. Your complaint should include details of the incident(s), names of the—
Do you suppose she and Stuart went home afterwards and had torrid sex?
Ew! Thanks for the visual.
—individuals involved, and names of any witnesses. The Company will immediately undertake—
Well, that must be the only reason he likes her, right? She has no other redeeming qualities. I mean, she’s a power-hungry, back-stabbing, two-faced uber bitch.
—effective, thorough, and objective investigation of the harassment allegations. If the Company determines that unlawful harassment has occurred, effective remedial action—
The B word! You can’t use the B word on the staff meeting minutes! My God, what’s wrong with you, Jen?????
—will be taken in accordance with the circumstances involved. Any employee determined by the Company to be responsible for unlawful harassment will be subject to appropriate disciplinary—
Well, you know it’s true. It has to be the sex. She must just give BJODs all day long.
—action, up to and including termination. Whatever action is taken against the harasser will be—
Wait . . . what are BJODs again?
—made known to the employee lodging the complaint and the Company will take appropriate—
Oh, my little Kentucky innocent. Blow jobs on demand.
—action to remedy any loss to the employee resulting from harassment. The Company will not—
EW!!!! Would you stop???? Besides, it’s not like he’s such a great catch himself. I mean, he’s no George Clooney in the looks department, and does he even HAVE a personality?Or a sense of humor? It’s not just anyone that Mrs. Lopez refuses to serve pie to, you know. She’s very discriminating.
—retaliate against you for filing a complaint and will not tolerate or permit retaliation by management, employees or coworkers. The Company
encourages all employees to report any incidents of harassment forbidden by this policy immediately so that complaints can be quickly and fairly addressed.
Yeah, well, so’s Amy. And she is not the type to get engaged to anybody worth less than a million a year. I mean, you got that kind of money coming in, you can overlook any bald spot and inordinately small unit.
Would you stop??? Not in the middle of trust games!!!!
I hate these frigging trust games. What the hell are they supposed to establish?
Um. That would be trust. Amongst your coworkers.
Please. I wouldn’t trust Amy to warn me not to cross the street in the path of an oncoming bus. Do you really think I’m going to trust her to catch me as I fall backwards?
That’s not the one we’re doing today. And besides, we’re supposed to be learning them so that we can go around to the different divisions and have them do it. You know. Little trust workshops amongst the staff.