by Rick Riordan
Across the room, Jason soared into the air and lopped the goddess’s head off.
Sadly, the head flew right back into place.
‘Unacceptable,’ Hygeia said calmly. ‘Decapitation is not a healthy lifestyle choice.’
‘Jason, get over here!’ Leo yelled. ‘Piper, buy us some time!’
Piper glanced over, like Easier said than done.
‘Hygeia!’ she yelled. ‘I have insurance!’
That got the statue’s attention. Even the golden snake turned towards her, as if insurance was some sort of tasty rodent.
‘Insurance?’ the statue said eagerly. ‘Who is your provider?’
‘Um … Blue Lightning,’ Piper said. ‘I have the card right here. Just a second.’
She made a big show of patting down her pockets. The snake slithered over to watch.
Jason ran to Leo’s side, gasping. ‘What’s the plan?’
‘We can’t destroy these things,’ Leo said. ‘They’re designed for self-healing. They’re immune to pretty much every kind of damage.’
‘Great,’ Jason said. ‘So … ?’
‘You remember Chiron’s old gaming system?’ Leo asked.
Jason’s eyes widened. ‘Leo … this isn’t Mario Party Six.’
‘Same principle, though.’
‘Idiot mode?’
Leo grinned. ‘I’ll need you and Piper to run interference. I’ll reprogram the snake, then Big Bertha.’
‘Hygeia.’
‘Whatever. Ready?’
‘No.’
Leo and Jason ran for the snake.
Hygeia was assailing Piper with health-care questions. ‘Is Blue Lightning an HMO? What is your deductible? Who is your primary care deity?’
As Piper ad-libbed answers, Leo jumped on the serpent’s back. This time he knew what he was looking for, and for a moment the serpent didn’t even seem to notice him. Leo prised open a service panel near the snake’s head. He held on with his legs, trying to ignore the pain and sticky blood on his hands as he redid the serpent’s wiring.
Jason stood by, ready to attack, but the snake seemed transfixed by Piper’s problems with Blue Lightning’s coverage.
‘Then the advice nurse said I had to call a service centre,’ Piper reported. ‘And the medications weren’t covered by my plan! And –’
The snake lurched as Leo connected the last two wires. Leo jumped off and the golden serpent began shaking uncontrollably.
Hygeia whirled to face them. ‘What have you done? My snake requires medical assistance!’
‘Does it have insurance?’ Piper asked.
‘WHAT?’ The statue turned back to her, and Leo jumped. Jason summoned a gust of wind, which boosted Leo onto the statue’s shoulders like a little kid at a parade. He popped open the back of the statue’s head as she staggered around, sloshing acid.
‘Get off!’ she yelled. ‘This is not hygienic!’
‘Hey!’ Jason yelled, flying circles around her. ‘I have a question about my deductibles!’
‘What?’ the statue cried.
‘Hygeia!’ Piper shouted. ‘I need an invoice submitted to Medicare!’
‘No, please!’
Leo found the statue’s regulator chip. He clicked a few dials and pulled some wires, trying to pretend that Hygeia was just one large, dangerous Nintendo game system.
He reconnected her circuits and Hygeia began to spin, hollering and flailing her arms. Leo jumped away, barely avoiding an acid bath.
He and his friends backed up while Hygeia and her snake underwent a violent religious experience.
‘What did you do?’ Piper demanded.
‘Idiot mode,’ Leo said.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Back at camp,’ Jason explained, ‘Chiron had this ancient gaming system in the rec room. Leo and I used to play it sometimes. You’d compete against, like, computer-controlled opponents, coms –’
‘– and they had three difficulty options,’ Leo said. ‘Easy, medium and hard.’
‘I’ve played video games before,’ Piper said. ‘So what did you do?’
‘Well … I got bored with those settings.’ Leo shrugged. ‘So I invented a fourth difficulty level: idiot mode. It makes the coms so stupid it’s funny. They always choose exactly the wrong thing to do.’
Piper stared at the statue and snake, both of which were writhing and starting to smoke. ‘Are you sure you set them to idiot mode?’
‘We’ll know in a minute.’
‘What if you set them to extreme difficulty?’
‘Then we’ll know that, too.’
The snake stopped shuddering. It coiled up and looked around as if bewildered.
Hygeia froze. A puff of smoke drifted from her right ear. She looked down at Leo. ‘You must die! Hello! You must die!’
She raised her cup and poured acid over her face. Then she turned and marched face-first into the nearest wall. The snake reared up and slammed its head repeatedly into the floor.
‘Okay,’ Jason said. ‘I think we have achieved idiot mode.’
‘Hello! Die!’ Hygeia backed away from the wall and face-slammed it again.
‘Let’s go.’ Leo ran for the metal door next to the dais. He grabbed the handle. It was still locked, but Leo sensed the mechanisms inside – wires running up the frame, connected to …
He stared at the two blinking signs above the door.
‘Jason,’ he said, ‘give me a boost.’
Another gust of wind levitated him upward. Leo went to work with his pliers, reprogramming the signs until the top one flashed:
THE DOCTOR IS:
IN DA HOUSE.
The bottom sign changed to read:
NOW SERVING:
ALL DA LADIES LUV LEO!
The metal door swung open, and Leo settled to the floor.
‘See, the wait wasn’t so bad!’ Leo grinned at his friends. ‘The doctor will see us now.’
XXXVI
Leo
At the end of the hall stood a walnut door with a bronze plaque:
ASCLEPIUS
MD, DMD, DME, DC, DVS, FAAN, OMG, EMT, TTYL, FRCP, ME, IOU, OD, OT, PHARMD, BAMF, RN, PHD, INC., SMH
There may have been more acronyms in the list, but by that point Leo’s brain had exploded.
Piper knocked. ‘Dr Asclepius?’
The door flew open. The man inside had a kindly smile, crinkles around his eyes, short salt-and-pepper hair and a well-trimmed beard. He wore a white lab coat over a business suit and a stethoscope around his neck – your stereotypical doctor outfit, except for one thing: Asclepius held a polished black staff with a live green python coiled around it.
Leo wasn’t happy to see another snake. The python regarded him with pale yellow eyes, and Leo had a feeling it was not set to idiot mode.
‘Hello!’ said Asclepius.
‘Doctor.’ Piper’s smile was so warm it would’ve melted a Boread. ‘We’d be so grateful for your help. We need the physician’s cure.’
Leo wasn’t even her target, but Piper’s charmspeak washed over him irresistibly. He would’ve done anything to help her get that cure. He would’ve gone to medical school, got twelve doctorate degrees and bought a large green python on a stick.
Asclepius put his hand over his heart. ‘Oh, my dear, I would be delighted to help.’
Piper’s smile wavered. ‘You would? I mean, of course you would.’
‘Come in! Come in!’ Asclepius ushered them into his office.
The guy was so nice that Leo figured his office would be full of torture devices, but it looked like … well, a doctor’s office: a big maple desk, bookshelves stuffed with medical books, and some of those plastic organ models Leo loved to play with as a kid. He remembered getting in trouble one time because he had turned a cross-section kidney and some skeleton legs into a kidney monster and scared the nurse.
Life was simpler back then.
Asclepius took the big comfy doctor’s chair and laid his staff and serpent acro
ss his desk. ‘Please, sit!’
Jason and Piper took the two chairs on the patients’ side. Leo had to remain standing, which was fine with him. He didn’t want to be eye-level with the snake.
‘So.’ Asclepius leaned back. ‘I can’t tell you how nice it is to actually talk with patients. The last few thousand years, the paperwork has got out of control. Rush, rush, rush. Fill in forms. Deal with red tape. Not to mention the giant alabaster guardian who kills everyone in the waiting room. It takes all the fun out of medicine!’
‘Yeah,’ Leo said. ‘Hygeia is kind of a downer.’
Asclepius grinned. ‘My real daughter Hygeia isn’t like that, I assure you. She’s quite nice. At any rate, you did well reprogramming the statue. You have a surgeon’s hands.’
Jason shuddered. ‘Leo with a scalpel? Don’t encourage him.’
The doctor god chuckled. ‘Now, what seems to be the trouble?’ He sat forward and peered at Jason. ‘Hmm … Imperial gold sword wound, but that’s healed nicely. No cancer, no heart problems. Watch that mole on your left foot, but I’m sure it’s benign.’
Jason blanched. ‘How did you –’
‘Oh, of course!’ Asclepius said. ‘You’re a bit short-sighted! Simple fix.’
He opened his drawer, whipped out a prescription pad and an eyeglasses case. He scribbled something on the pad, then handed the glasses and the scrip to Jason. ‘Keep the prescription for future reference, but these lenses should work. Try them on.’
‘Wait,’ Leo said. ‘Jason is short-sighted?’
Jason opened the case. ‘I – I have had a little trouble seeing stuff from a distance lately,’ he admitted. ‘I thought I was just tired.’ He tried on the glasses, which had thin frames of Imperial gold. ‘Wow. Yeah. That’s better.’
Piper smiled. ‘You look very distinguished.’
‘I don’t know, man,’ Leo said. ‘I’d go for contacts – glowing orange ones with cat’s-eye pupils. Those would be cool.’
‘Glasses are fine,’ Jason decided. ‘Thanks, uh, Dr Asclepius, but that’s not why we came.’
‘No?’ Asclepius steepled his fingers. ‘Well, let’s see then …’ He turned to Piper. ‘You seem fine, my dear. Broken arm when you were six. Fell off a horse?’
Piper’s jaw dropped. ‘How could you possibly know that?’
‘Vegetarian diet,’ he continued. ‘No problem, just make sure you’re getting enough iron and protein. Hmm … a little weak in the left shoulder. I assume you got hit with something heavy about a month ago?’
‘A sandbag in Rome,’ Piper said. ‘That’s amazing.’
‘Alternate ice and a hot pack if it bothers you,’ Asclepius advised. ‘And you …’ He faced Leo.
‘Oh, my.’ The doctor’s expression turned grim. The friendly twinkle disappeared from his eyes. ‘Oh, I see …’
The doctor’s expression said, I am so, so sorry.
Leo’s heart filled with cement. If he’d harboured any last hopes of avoiding what was to come, they now sank.
‘What?’ Jason’s new glasses flashed. ‘What’s wrong with Leo?’
‘Hey, doc.’ Leo shot him a drop it look. Hopefully they knew about patient confidentiality in Ancient Greece. ‘We came for the physician’s cure. Can you help us? I’ve got some Pylosian mint here and a very nice yellow daisy.’ He set the ingredients on the desk, carefully avoiding the snake’s mouth.
‘Hold it,’ Piper said. ‘Is there something wrong with Leo or not?’
Asclepius cleared his throat. ‘I … never mind. Forget I said anything. Now, you want the physician’s cure.’
Piper frowned. ‘But –’
‘Seriously, guys,’ Leo said, ‘I’m fine, except for the fact that Gaia’s destroying the world tomorrow. Let’s focus.’
They didn’t look happy about it, but Asclepius forged ahead. ‘So this daisy was picked by my father, Apollo?’
‘Yep,’ Leo said. ‘He sends hugs and kisses.’
Asclepius picked up the flower and sniffed it. ‘I do hope Dad comes through this war all right. Zeus can be … quite unreasonable. Now, the only missing ingredient is the heartbeat of the chained god.’
‘I have it,’ Piper said. ‘At least … I can summon the makhai.’
‘Excellent. Just a moment, dear.’ He looked at his python. ‘Spike, are you ready?’
Leo stifled a laugh. ‘Your snake’s name is Spike?’
Spike looked at him balefully. He hissed, revealing a crown of spikes around his neck like a basilisk’s.
Leo’s laugh crawled back down his throat to die. ‘My bad,’ he said. ‘Of course your name is Spike.’
‘He’s a little grumpy,’ Asclepius said. ‘People are always confusing my staff with the staff of Hermes, which has two snakes, obviously. Over the centuries, people have called Hermes’s staff the symbol of medicine, when of course it should be my staff. Spike feels slighted. George and Martha get all the attention. Anyway …’
Asclepius set the daisy and poison in front of Spike. ‘Pylosian mint – certainty of death. The curse of Delos – anchoring that which cannot be anchored. Now the final ingredient: the heartbeat of the chained god – chaos, violence and fear of mortality.’ He turned to Piper. ‘My dear, you may release the makhai.’
Piper closed her eyes.
Wind swirled through the room. Angry voices wailed. Leo felt a strange desire to smack Spike with a hammer. He wanted to strangle the good doctor with his bare hands.
Then Spike unhinged his jaw and swallowed the angry wind. His neck ballooned as the spirits of battle went down his throat. He snapped up the daisy and the vial of Pylosian mint for dessert.
‘Won’t the poison hurt him?’ Jason asked.
‘No, no,’ Asclepius said. ‘Wait and see.’
A moment later Spike belched out a new vial – a stoppered glass tube no bigger than Leo’s finger. Dark red liquid glowed inside.
‘The physician’s cure.’ Asclepius picked up the vial and turned it in the light. His expression became serious, then bewildered. ‘Wait … why did I agree to make this?’
Piper placed her hand palm up on the desk. ‘Because we need it to save the world. It’s very important. You’re the only one who can help us.’
Her charmspeak was so potent even Spike the snake relaxed. He curled around his staff and went to sleep. Asclepius’s expression softened, like he was easing himself into a hot bath.
‘Of course,’ the god said. ‘I forgot. But you must be careful. Hades hates it when I raise people from the dead. The last time I gave someone this potion, the Lord of the Underworld complained to Zeus, and I was killed by a lightning bolt. BOOM!’
Leo flinched. ‘You look pretty good for a dead guy.’
‘Oh, I got better. That was part of the compromise. You see, when Zeus killed me, my father Apollo got very upset. He couldn’t take out his anger on Zeus directly; the king of the gods was much too powerful. So Apollo took revenge on the makers of lightning bolts instead. He killed some of the Elder Cyclopes. For that, Zeus punished Apollo … quite severely. Finally, to make peace, Zeus agreed to make me a god of medicine, with the understanding that I wouldn’t bring anyone else back to life.’ Asclepius’s eyes filled with uncertainty. ‘And yet here I am … giving you the cure.’
‘Because you realize how important this is,’ Piper said, ‘you’re willing to make an exception.’
‘Yes …’ Reluctantly, Asclepius handed Piper the vial. ‘At any rate, the potion must be administered as soon as possible after death. It can be injected or poured into the mouth. And there is only enough for one person. Do you understand me?’ He looked directly at Leo.
‘We understand,’ Piper promised. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to come with us, Asclepius? Your guardian is out of commission. You’d be really helpful aboard the Argo II.’
Asclepius smiled wistfully. ‘The Argo … back when I was a demigod, I sailed on the original ship, you know. Ah, to be a carefree adventurer again!’
&nbs
p; ‘Yeah …’ Jason muttered. ‘Carefree.’
‘But, alas, I cannot. Zeus will already be quite angry with me for helping you. Besides, the guardian will reprogram itself soon. You should leave.’ Asclepius rose. ‘Best wishes, demigods. And, if you see my father again, please … give him my regrets.’
Leo wasn’t sure what that meant, but they took their leave.
As they passed through the waiting room, the statue of Hygeia was sitting on a bench, pouring acid on her face and singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’, while her golden snake gnawed at her foot. The peaceful scene was almost enough to lift Leo’s spirits.
Back on the Argo II, they gathered in the mess hall and filled in the rest of the crew.
‘I don’t like it,’ Jason said. ‘The way Asclepius looked at Leo –’
‘Aw, he just sensed my heartsickness.’ Leo tried for a smile. ‘You know, I’m dying to see Calypso.’
‘That is so sweet,’ Piper said. ‘But I’m not sure that’s it.’
Percy frowned at the glowing red vial that sat in the middle of the table. ‘Any of us might die, right? So we just need to keep the potion handy.’
‘Assuming only one of us dies,’ Jason pointed out. ‘There’s only one dose.’
Hazel and Frank stared at Leo.
He gave them a look, like Knock it off.
The others didn’t see the full picture. To storm or fire the world must fall – Jason or Leo. In Olympia, Nike had warned that one of the four demigods present would die: Percy, Hazel, Frank or Leo. Only one name overlapped those two lists: Leo. And, if Leo’s plan was going to work, he couldn’t have anybody else close by when he pulled the trigger.
His friends would never accept his decision. They would argue. They would try to save him. They would insist on finding another way.
But this time, Leo was convinced, there was no other way. Like Annabeth always told them, fighting against a prophecy never worked. It just created more trouble. He had to make sure this war ended, once and for all.
‘We have to keep our options open,’ Piper suggested. ‘We need, like, a designated medic to carry the potion – somebody who can react quickly and heal whoever gets killed.’