Widow(er) Tips
Relationship changes. Almost all relationships change in some way because of what we’ve been through. I felt like I had to “raise” my parents all over again until they came to terms with the “new me.” This can sometimes be painful, but many times the outcome is not such a bad thing. Most widow(er)s find that the people they were closest to before have a hard time maintaining the friendship they’ve had for years (for various reasons) and the people they weren’t close to become their greatest champions. Remember that friendship changes are something that everyone goes through in life—whether they’ve experienced a loss or not. These “growing pains” take time, but in the end, we usually end up with friendships we know can stand the test of time and hardship.
Be patient. Everything in our lives changes so rapidly that it’s hard for us to keep up—and we’re living it every day! Imagine how our friends and family feel when we call them and tell them the many things we’re thinking about doing or changing. Remember that everyone is doing the best they can at coping with your new life, too.
Communicate. Upset that you don’t hear from your friends enough? Feel like they never ask you over anymore? Tell them! They don’t know…they think they’re giving you space or being a burden. Starting to feel lonely and want to be with people? Remember that your friends are not mind readers. You call them and set up a plan.
Milestones
i’d rather pass a kidney stone than a milestone
Tips for Supporters
The date doesn’t matter. Most widow(er)s begin grieving over a milestone well before the actual date. If your friend seems a little “off,” ask her if she needs to talk or if you can take her kids for an hour…something to try and ease the burden of what’s going on. Many times we can’t even explain why we’re feeling the way we do, which is frustrating. Often things that we’ve never thought of before may set us off, such as back-to-school time or family days like Labor Day. Basically any day when you feel grateful for your family, we’re mourning the fact that ours has changed forever. Be sensitive to that.
Perform a random act of kindness. Is the anniversary of her spouse’s death approaching? Send a card or some flowers—even if it was years ago. Is it holiday time? You and your kids can go over and spontaneously shovel her driveway just to let her know you’re thinking of her. Nothing hurts more than feeling like our spouse or our loss has been forgotten. Never be afraid to acknowledge what we might be going through. We appreciate it more than you know.
Widow(er) Tips
Take care of yourself. Many of us have a “cluster” of milestones. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays are often gathered together on the calendar, making a couple of months out of the year seemingly unbearable. Acknowledge this. Clear your calendar as much as you can during that time and then maybe give yourself something to look forward to a month after they’re finished—a trip with a friend, a nice dinner with your mom, a spa day. Dangle that carrot in front of yourself so that you have something to get you through that rough time.
Look at your calendar. It took me years to figure out that the reason I’m always emotional at the end of January is because I missed watching the Super Bowl with my husband. Getting emotional about milestones doesn’t have to make sense—it will happen whether it makes sense or not. Forgive yourself for it. And if several weeks have gone by and you still feel like you’re in that hole, it may be time to call your therapist. Take the time to feel what you need to feel, but don’t spend too much time wallowing in agony.
Dating
mom…don’t read this part
Tips for Supporters
Don’t push in either direction. Hearing that we’re young and we’ll find someone someday is not what we want to hear right after the funeral. It could be ten years before we can imagine trying to find a new companion—or it could be a month. Our timeline is our own, and either being pushed or dissuaded from dating makes us feel alone and misunderstood. This is a good time to practice your listening skills.
Don’t judge. Believe me that no one is judging us harder than we are. We are flooded with so many feelings when we decide to date, no matter how long it’s been since our spouse died. Listen without judging (or if you feel a judgment coming, keep it to yourself). When we know you’re judging us, we quit talking to you. That leaves us alone and vulnerable, which is a dangerous place to be when we’re thinking about dating. Remember: asking for your support doesn’t mean we’re asking for your approval.
Widow(er) Tip
Take your time. Sometimes it’s tempting to commit quickly when we think we’ve found a person who might be able to fill that sudden void in our lives. And that can happen no matter when we start dating. Remember that dating is a process. We carry many things with us from our previous relationship—both good and bad. It’s important to take the time necessary to find out if this is a good fit. It’s not as simple as it might seem in the beginning, but if you really pay attention to the process, chances are you’ll end up with an amazing and lifelong relationship.
It’s okay. It’s okay that you feel guilty sometimes. It’s okay that you compare the new guy to your husband a little. It’s okay to love your husband and someone new. It’s okay to miss the intimacy of marriage and then be grateful when you find it with someone else. All of these feelings are part of the process and will probably happen no matter when you decide to date. Give yourself the time and space to feel it all and work through it with the new person in your life.
Be a friend. Remember that your friends and family lost your spouse, too. And while you know that they ultimately want to see you happy, it may be hard for them to see you with someone new. Again, you’re living with your loss and the outcome of it every moment of every day and adjusting as you go, and the people around you are doing it in fits and spurts when they see you. Be patient with them.
Moving Forward
time to pull on your tights and become your own superhero
Tips for Supporters
A part of us will always be grieving. Four years later, we may look like we have it all together, but there will always be a part of us that is grieving our spouse. After all, we thought we would be together our entire lives, so it makes sense that we grieve a little for them our entire lives. Don’t hesitate to really ask how we’re doing.
Help us talk through transitions. As we start to imagine our lives differently, we begin asking ourselves so many questions about what comes next. We need people to brainstorm with and bounce ideas off. Remember that as we’re talking to you, we’re not asking how you would live your life. We’re trying to figure out how to live our own.
Widow(er) Tips
Be patient. Once again, it’s important to be patient with yourself, with others, and with the process in general. It may seem like others are getting on with their lives, and the hard truth is…they are. They’re not living your life day to day so it’s unrealistic to expect them to be with you for every little step of this journey. And remember: sometimes when you’re feeling low, you may be going through your own growing pains. Be patient with yourself and pay attention to the journey. You won’t regret it.
Spread your wings: So many people find developing a new life completely overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. This is the right time to dig deep and figure out who you are. And if the journey gets tough, seek resources to help you. Feel like you need a new path in life? A life coach could be perfect for that. Possibly thinking about going back to school? Make an appointment with a guidance counselor at your local college. Feel like you just need to get out more? Volunteer. It’s a great way to network and possibly find a new passion you didn’t know you had.
Identify your support system. Figure out the people in your life who are your greatest champions. It’s important to know who those people are so that you can truly absorb what they have to say. Like hanging out with your neighbor but notice that you feel d
epressed after a conversation with her? Pay attention to that. It doesn’t mean you can’t meet her for a glass of wine…it just means you shouldn’t give her advice the weight that you might to suggestions from another friend.
What to Say
(and what not to say) after loss
Many of us have found ourselves in the awkward position of not knowing what to say when a friend is going through a loss or transition. We all know how it feels: our mouths go dry, our palms get sweaty, and we leave feeling like we have said the absolute wrong thing.
Here are a few helpful tips that might get you through those moments.
1.I know how you feel.
Hmmm…not really. I know you can sympathize, but until you’ve lived my life every day, there is a good chance that you don’t.
Instead: How are you feeling?
Ask with sincerity and be prepared to practice active listening.
2.This was part of God’s plan.
That may very well be, but it really wasn’t part of mine. Hearing that right after a loss usually doesn’t help to make it “okay.” There may be a time for that, but that is something that you should wait for the person going through the loss to say. Even the most spiritual person may not be ready to digest that quite yet.
Instead: This is one I do not have a “blanket statement” for. You need to assess where your friend is in their grief process. Loss can change feelings about religion in so many ways, and this is not the best time to go into detail about your own beliefs. If this is a person you have known to be a spiritual person, it may be appropriate to gently ask how things may have changed in that department. And, whatever they say, do not judge.
3.It’s been awhile. Shouldn’t you be over this by now?
There is no expiration date on loss. Actually, there is no expiration date on anything we might feel. Any major life transition comes with feelings we may very well carry with us always.
Instead: I know this may be a difficult time for you. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you.
Just because your friend seems to have “moved on,” don’t assume that he or she doesn’t still carry those feelings of loss with them. Milestones and grief in general are something that we will feel and recognize for the rest of our lives. We feel cared for when you do an “emotion check” every once in a while, even years later.
4.Everything happens for a reason.
Again, that may very well be. But we can’t see the reason right now. We may never see it. And if we do, let it be up to us to tell you about it.
Instead: He (or she) was such an amazing person. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding why this has happened.
Well, sure. That we get. Most of us can’t understand why this has happened either. And that feeling of shock will revisit us for a long time. It helps us to know that you recognize that.
5.At least he didn’t suffer.
Anything along those lines is really not helpful. Truthfully, even if it was something instantaneous, most widow(er)s have visions of what the last moments were like for our loved ones. We are constantly wondering what they were thinking. And in many cases, you don’t know for sure if they didn’t suffer. So it’s best just not to go there.
Instead: Most widow(er)s are open to talking about their experience during their loved one’s last days. It’s okay to ask questions, but truly assess how your friend is reacting. If you’re getting one-word answers, they probably don’t want to talk about it. If they start telling you the story, actively listen to what they have to say. Don’t be surprised if you get a “robot-like” account of what happened. Widow(er)s are often surprised at how they can mechanically tell their “story.” This doesn’t mean they are not completely devastated by the experience. It’s just a coping mechanism.
6.He’s in a better place.
Again, that could be true. But most of us consider ourselves rather “selfish” and would rather have them here with us. And I can guarantee that if you say that to just about any widow(er), you’ll be left with an uncomfortable silence. Because we really have no response to that.
Instead: I really miss when he used to ______.
Instead of asking the widow(er) to picture him someplace that’s not here with us, maybe remind them of a good memory. Don’t shy away from mentioning their name or sharing something you remember. This is a person we think about constantly. It’s nice to be able to share and feel like a part of them is still here. We don’t want to be the only people who remember our loved one who is gone.
7.At least you didn’t have children.
Um. Yeah. Well, we could have been trying to have children and you didn’t know about it. We could have been putting it off for one more year and now we’re filled with regret. We could have decided we never wanted children, but the bottom line is: Whether we had children has no bearing on how much we are grieving right now.
Instead: This is a tough one and is really up to your friend to talk about what their plans were for family. Chances are, even if they look to the future and see themselves in a new relationship, there is a certain amount of sadness that comes with knowing that they will never have children with the significant other that they lost. And if they have never seen having children in their future, you should keep in mind that they have lost the person they thought they would be spending every major event with for the rest of their lives. They have lost their family. Be sensitive to that.
8.You’re so young/vibrant/such a great catch, you’ll find someone else.
But we don’t want to. We don’t want to start over from scratch. And we know that you mean well, but right now we’re just trying to pick up the pieces of our lives and function. The idea of a new relationship (that comes with the possibility of going through something like this again) is a little much. When and if we get to that point, we will let you know. And that’s when we can use that kind of encouragement.
Instead: Let’s set up a monthly girls’/guys’ night where we can get together. We can stay in or go out…you choose.
Most of us are lonely. We miss our mates. But the idea of dating is incredibly overwhelming. Friendly companionship may be the closest we can come to socializing for a while. Coordinating nights out or in can be really hard for a widow(er), especially in the beginning. Can you help us with that?
9.I will never forget how hard it was when my grandmother/cousin/pet died.
I have no doubt that that was difficult for you. But what we are going through is completely different. And please don’t compare our loss to one that you’ve been through. We realize that you’re trying to relate to us, but for some reason it doesn’t come across that way. If your loss was similar to ours, look for a sign from us that we want you to talk about it.
Instead: Try not to be too invasive, but most of us would really like to talk to someone about our own experience. And we can tell when someone is sincerely asking and when they’re just trying to fill the silence. Think of it this way: Mentally draw upon your own loss experience to ask educated questions about ours: Were there a lot of people at the hospital? Was there a moment you knew they were gone? These may sound like odd questions, but widow(er)s usually don’t mind talking about the loss with people we know are listening with a loving ear.
10.You’re so strong.
I know this sounds odd, but most of us don’t want to hear that. Because most of us don’t feel that way. We’re falling apart inside, and for some reason, someone saying this in admiration makes us feel as though we need to keep up a brave front. It adds to the pressure we’re already feeling.
Instead: How are you doing?
I know I’ve said it before, but truly and sincerely asking us how we are doing and taking the time to listen to the answer is always your best bet. I can almost guarantee you that no matter how “strong” your friend may look, they don’t feel that way on the inside and they are just h
oping someone asks them how they are really doing. Bring the tissues, look at them, and give them all of your attention. That means more to us than anything.
Reading Group Guide
1.Catherine talks about how sometimes losing yourself is necessary to find out who you are meant to be. Have you ever had moments in your life when you have let go of who you thought you were in order to grow? Was there a specific incident that inspired this change?
2.Evolving relationships are an ongoing theme throughout the book—changes with friends and family made Catherine examine who she wanted in her life and who she didn’t. Have you ever experienced uncertainty concerning personal relationships? Have there been times when you’ve had to work hard at certain relationships and when you’ve known it’s time to let go?
3.Catherine talks about getting pedicures as a frivolous but necessary coping mechanism. Do you do something that comforts you when you’re down? Maybe something others might not understand?
4.At one point, Catherine says that the clothes her husband was supposed to wear home from the hospital sat in her closet in a bag as if waiting for the call to come pick him up. Do you have any items from your past that you just can’t seem to part with? Why are they important to you?
5.Do you believe in signs from those who have passed away? Why or why not?
6.Throughout this book, Catherine is very candid about how out of control she felt about so many aspects of her life. Have you ever felt that way? How do you cope?
7.Catherine talks about how she felt that the person she was before her loss was perfect for her husband, but the person she became would be perfect for someone else. Do you believe in soul mates—one person you are meant to be with your entire life?
Confessions of a Mediocre Widow Page 31