What He Fears: Desires Book 4

by E. M. Denning

  Rory slid out of bed and shimmied into a pair of lounge pants. The soup was probably ruined, but he had the fixings in the fridge to make some great sandwiches. Rory padded down to the kitchen and put together three sandwiches. Two roast beef on rye with cheddar, lettuce, and tomato and one cucumber sandwich for himself. He cut the sandwiches in half and stacked them carefully on one plate. He grabbed three bottles of water out of the fridge and put them on a tray. Setting the plate beside it, he carefully carried it all upstairs.

  Rory entered the room and found Nick up with his back pressed against the headboard, cushioned by pillows. Andrew sat next to him in similar fashion. Clearly, they’d decided that eating while laying down was a bad idea. They’d pulled a blanket over their laps, and Rory eyed the tangle of feet at the bottom.

  He set the tray down on the dresser and tossed the water bottles to Nick and Andrew. Extracting the plate of sandwiches from the tray, he padded over to the bed and climbed in, a slightly awkward task which was made easier when Andrew took the plate from Rory.

  “Roast beef?” Andrew remarked curiously.

  Rory wanted to pat the precious boy on the cheek but snatched half his cucumber sandwich from the plate instead. “I don’t eat meat,” Rory stopped talking when Nick laughed and shot him a dirty look before continuing. “I also don’t begrudge others who do. It’s all about personal choice.” Rory bit into the sandwich.

  “Rory,” Nick said. He had yet to touch his sandwich while Andrew was already nearly finished half of his own. “What did you mean when you said that you used to train submissives?”

  Setting his sandwich down, Rory brushed the crumbs off his fingers and shrugged a shoulder. “I haven’t been training subs in a while. Or doms.”

  Nick raised his gaze and looked at Rory in disbelief. “Why not?”

  Rory took a deep breath. He owed Nick the truth, all of it. He’d owed it to him a long time ago but hadn’t given it for reasons that he still believed were right. He only hoped that Nick would still see it that way. Rory raked his hands through his hair and yanked on the strands until his scalp hurt. “I didn’t want to. It’s more than that, but that’s the simplest explanation. I didn’t want to be with people who weren’t you.” Rory gulped in another breath, and the rest came rushing out. “And I didn’t want to tell you that I’d stopped. I didn’t want you to think that I wanted you to stop doing scenes with other people. I still didn’t want to close our relationship. I didn’t want you to settle. Making you happy has always been the most important thing to me, Nicky.”

  Rory’s heart clenched in his chest. Nick sat there, staring at him. He didn’t move or blink.

  “I haven’t had a scene with a sub since before I asked you to go exclusive,” Nick said.

  Nick’s admission knocked the wind out of Rory. “Nicky.”

  “I couldn’t, Roar. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep loving you and being your submissive and then go to the club, without you, and play Dom to a stream of random strangers. I couldn’t do it.” Nick turned his attention away from Rory. He reached out and gripped Andrew’s hand and looked him in the eyes. “When I met you, and I started to care about you, I was scared, because since the moment I fell for Rory, I’d never truly wanted another person. Until you.” Nick brought Andrew’s hand up and brushed a kiss across his knuckles before looking at Rory again. “I’m glad you never told me. You were right. I need you both.”

  Rory exhaled. “Nicky.”

  “I love you, Roar.” Nick turned to Andrew. “And you, Andrew. I love you, too.”

  Andrew didn’t say anything, which Rory sort of expected. Nick smiled and kissed him. “Eat your sandwich.”

  Rory watched Andrew tuck into his sandwich. He had a slight smile, and his cheeks were slightly pink. He hadn’t said the words, but Rory wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew hadn’t fallen for Nick a long time ago.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Andrew

  It felt good to get out of the house with Nick. In the weeks since Andrew laid stretched out between him and Rory, and Nick had confessed his feelings, they’d spent most of their time at Rory’s house.

  Today, however, Rory was locked away in his studio, a space Andrew had seen exactly once. Rory’s studio was in the third bedroom. There was a long work table against the one wall, low cabinets with tiny drawers stuffed with different bits that Rory used to make things, the impressive part wasn’t the art on the walls, it was that Rory knew exactly where each little piece was located.

  Nick brushed up against him as they left the locker room. It meant a lot to Andrew that Nick wanted to come back to the gym and go rock climbing again. “Thank you.” Andrew said as Nick chalked his hands.

  Nick shot him a smile. “For what?”

  “For coming here. It’s nice to have someone to do this with.”

  Nick walked up to him and for a moment, Andrew wondered what it would be like to have the courage to kiss Nick in public. They’d gone out a few times, and Nick had kissed him and held hands and generally draped himself all over Andrew, but that was largely initiated by Nick. Andrew wanted to have the courage to kiss his boyfriend, both boyfriends, if they were around.

  “What’s that look for?” Nick asked, tilting his head a little.

  “I was thinking of kissing you.”

  The tension left Nick’s shoulders and he took a step toward Andrew, a broad grin spread across his face. Andrew often thought Nick’s smile was his favorite thing about the man. More than his amazing body, and his olive complexion, Andrew liked him best when he smiled, especially when he looked at Andrew and smiled and his eyes lit up.

  “If you’re thinking of it, maybe you should do it. You can always kiss me, Andrew.”

  Nick’s earnestness was endearing, but Andrew laughed anyway. “Sometimes I need a little push. I thought I told you this once before.” Since Andrew met Nick he’d tried hard to work on his communication skills. He’d tried to push his own limits, but he recognized in himself a need to have someone do the pushing sometimes. Someone he could trust to not push him too far. Andrew wet his lips. “I can’t always make myself go for the things I want, Nick. I can’t always find the courage.”

  “You asked me on a date.” Nick moved closer. “You asked me to shower with you. You let me hang all over you at the music festival. You’re braver than you think.”

  Andrew felt his face heat and he darted his gaze away. When he looked back at Nick, he’d gotten closer. “Only if you’re ready.” Nick said, staring at Andrew’s mouth.

  Andrew nodded and leaned in. His lips pressed against Nick’s, lingering for a moment, before pulling away. He took a deep breath. He’d kissed his boyfriend in public and the sky didn’t fall in. He knew Rory and Nick kept telling him that they’d happily go at his speed, but he didn’t want to go slow anymore. He wanted to be with the men he loved without silly hang-ups about if he should or shouldn’t kiss someone.

  Blinking, he turned his attention to the wall. “Come on. You’re up.” He watched Nick climb, keenly aware of the fact that he’d admitted to himself that he was in love with not just one of them, but both. Two men. Two men who were Doms. He furrowed his brow and wondered how this would ever work.

  He shook his head. He was on a date, now was not the time to be introspective, he thought, and he shoved his worries aside and focused instead on the task at hand, ogling Nick’s ass and enjoying their time together.

  “Are you okay?” Nick asked as they headed into the locker room. There were a few other guys in there, at the other end of the room, but Andrew didn’t want to talk. He didn’t know what to say to Nick. I love you, and I love Rory, and I’m scared of not being enough for two doms, let alone one.

  Andrew’s phone buzzed, and he took the interruption as an opportunity to avoid answering the question. “It’s Xavier.” Andrew answered the call and put the phone to his ear. “What’s up Shrimp?” Using Xavier’s old nickname made Andrew smile.

  “Oh my god, Andrew. You n
eed to help me.”

  Andrew furrowed his brow. “What’s up?”

  “It’s Ev, he’s seriously lost his mind. There’s gnocci on the counters. The fridge is full of gnocci. He’s gone completely insane. You need to take some of this.”

  “Why don’t you freeze it?”

  Xavier laughed. “The freezer is full.”

  “You need another freezer.”

  “No way, then he’ll go even crazier. Please come and get some of this food, Drew.”

  Andrew furrowed his brow. “He doesn’t know you’re calling me, does he?”

  “Hell no. He’s out walking Puck. So come over, he’ll send some with you, and he’ll never know that I begged you to save me. Please. I can’t look at one more gnocci this week. I’m going to die.”

  Andrew laughed. Death by gnocci seemed a tad dramatic, but he was always willing to eat Everett’s cooking. “I’ll be right there.”

  “Thank you. You’re a lifesaver.”

  He pocketed his phone and shot Nick an apologetic look. “Sorry. That was Xavier, he has a food related emergency.” He was glad they’d met at the gym instead of letting Nick pick him up. He’d been spending a lot of time at Rory’s and he liked having access to his own vehicle. “I’m going to head over there and hang with him for a while.” Andrew leaned over gave Nick a peck on the lips.

  “I’ll see you at home later?” Nick slung his bag over his shoulder.

  “Yeah.” Andrew was halfway to his car when he realized that Nick had called Rory’s place home, and Andrew had agreed. With the exception of the brief time Xavier had lived with him, Andrew had lived alone for years. He’d never entertained the idea of moving in with one of his girlfriends, but he’d gotten comfortable at Rory’s. Being with the two men was so easy for him, he supposed it was natural to think of the place where he was most comfortable as being home.

  Arriving at Everett and Xavier’s, Everett was still out, but Xavier was in and so were dozens of gnocci. Andrew scanned the counter. Bags of gnocci were laid out, and each bag was labelled with a different recipe name and a number. Andrew groaned. “He’s at it again, I see.”

  “Absolutely determined to make ones like we had at this little place across town the other week. It’s insane. He’s totally consumed by it.” Xavier looked like he wanted to puke. “If I'm forced to eat much more of this stuff, I’m gonna turn into a gnocci.”

  “I’ll take a bunch home, but we can’t eat all of this. There’s a shelter near the jobsite I’ve been working at. I’ll take some of it there if you want.”

  Xavier grinned. “I truthfully don’t care what you do with it, Andrew. I can’t eat any more of it. I love Ev, but this is insane.” Xavier exhaled. “Can I get you a drink or something?”

  “Just a water is fine.”

  Xavier grabbed him a bottle from the fridge and handed it over. “Look, Drew. I didn’t call you over here for a gnocci emergency. Everett isn’t out walking Puck. He’s at an obedience class with him and he basically told me that if I didn’t call you and apologize for the way I treated you that I’d have to eat all this gnocci myself.”

  Andrew grinned and cracked the bottle of water open. “Yeah, I believe that.”

  “That’s not the only reason I want to apologize though. I shouldn’t have got that upset with you. I should’ve been more supportive, but,” Xavier shrugged. “I think I took it personally. I empathized with Rory a little too much and I took something personal that I had no right to because, as Everett so eloquently put it, it was none of my fucking business.”

  “Do you think I could get your opinion on something that was none of your fucking business?” Andrew asked with a half smile.

  “Sure. What’s up?”

  Andrew picked at the label on his bottle of water. “I think I’m in love with them. Rory and Nick.” Andrew chanced a glance at Xavier, who didn’t look at all surprised.

  “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

  Guilt washed through Andrew. He took a drink of water to try and wash away the lump in his throat. “That’s probably the response you wanted when I found out about you and Everett.”

  Xavier shrugged a shoulder. “You’re happy for us now, that’s all that matters.”

  Andrew nodded. “I am happy for the two of you. You and Everett are great together.” This earned him a broad smile from Xavier.

  “This is sweet and all, but you’re not fooling me for a second.” Xavier crossed his arms over his chest. “Come on, spill. What’s up?”

  Andrew took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m in love with two guys, and they’re both Doms, and they both want to do all these things to me, and…” Andrew tried to find the right words to correctly describe his fears. “Am I enough? Am I crazy? How is this going to work? What will people say? I don’t want to care about that, but I can’t help but wonder and...”

  “Stop.” Xavier cut him off. “Look, I don’t know Rory that well, and I know Nick even less, but I do know that Rory would never start a relationship with someone if he thought they weren’t enough for him. And who cares what people are going to say?”

  “The invitation for Craig’s wedding came, and it was for Rory plus two. I didn’t know he knew Craig that well.”

  “He doesn’t, his fiance, Alan knows Rory. They go back a few years.”

  “And he’s okay inviting his friend and both his boyfriends to a wedding?”

  Xavier laughed so hard he unfolded his arms and held his stomach. “Do you know who Alan is?”

  “Should I?”

  “Craig and Alan met in Alan’s kink club, back before he sold it to his best friend, and my boss, Steve. Three men dating each other is tame compared to the shit Alan has seen.”

  Schooling his expression, Xavier reached for Andrew. He put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You worry too much. You always did. It’s sometimes an endearing quality, like when you worried about Everett after he was assaulted, but sometimes you worry too much and it’s less endearing, and now is one of those times.”

  Xavier took a deep breath, then let it out in a rush. “Go home Andrew. Go home and enjoy being madly in love with two fantastic people. You deserve to be happy, Drew.”

  “I don’t know where home is anymore.” He had an apartment that he only went to out of necessity, or that he went to when the thought he should. And when he was there, he could only count down the hours until he saw Nick and Rory again.

  “That’s easy,” Xavier grinned. “It’s where you want to be.”

  Andrew nodded. He knew where he wanted to be, and it wasn’t his empty and too-quiet apartment. It was wherever Nick and Rory were.

  When Andrew arrived home, Nick and Rory came out to the car to help Andrew transport the gnocci he’d rescued Xavier from. Rory, took the trunk full of food in stride, Nick, however, looked at the bags with wide eyes.

  Laughing, Andrew passed the first box to Nick. “Everett is trying to figure out someone’s recipe. It’s a thing he does.”

  “We can’t eat all of this.” Nick looked at the boxes that Rory and Andrew carried with disbelief.

  “There’s a shelter around the corner from the jobsite I’ve been working at. I’ll take whatever we’re not going to eat down there.”

  “What shelter?” Rory asked as he led the trio into the house.

  “Harmony something, or something harmony. I can’t remember.”

  Rory grinned. “Harmony is around the corner from the store. After you drop this off, which Nolan will really appreciate, by the way, you’ll have to come up to the store and say hello.”

  “I wouldn’t want to bother you at work.”

  Nick set a box of gnocci on the counter, then wrapped his arms around Andrew’s midsection. “Word on the street is that he’s on good terms with the owner. I’m sure you won’t get him in trouble.” Andrew shivered when Nick kissed the back of Andrew’s neck. “Just show up, make him happy, Andrew. He wants to show you all his shiny creatio
ns”

  Andrew relaxed in Nick’s arms. All he had to do to make Rory happy was show up. It seemed so simple, and maybe it was. “Okay. But at lunch, I won’t have enough time in the morning.”

  Rory stopped wrestling with bags of gnocci to grin at him. “It’s a date.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Rory

  Rory eagerly awaited Andrew’s arrival. He’d heard from his friend Nolan that morning and he’d been ecstatic to get the food donation from Everett. Rory had spent his morning putting the finishing touches on the special surprises he had for Nick and Andrew and sizing an engagement ring. Now that lunch was almost here, Rory couldn’t wait for his date with Andrew.

  Back when Everett had first suggested bringing a third person into the relationship, it had seemed like a ludicrous idea and Rory had rejected it. At first. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed to be a potential solution. Then Nick befriended Andrew and Nick fell for Andrew. And Rory would be a huge liar if he pretended that he didn’t feel something for him, too.

  The bells above the door jingled and Rory turned. Andrew was a little grubby from his job at the construction site, but that made Rory want to kiss him even more. “Hey handsome.” Rory waltzed over to Andrew and pecked him on the lips. “You ready for our date? There’s a great little place around the corner where Nicky and I go, or we can venture out and find our own place.”

  “I’m not picky, so long as it’s not fancy. I’m a little dirty.”

  “We could run out and get sandwiches from the deli around the corner then I could give you the grand tour of my office.” Rory trailed a finger down Andrew’s chest. Behind Andrew, the bell jingled again. “I’m so sorry,” Rory called out. “We’re closing for lunch.” Normally he’d stick around and make a sale, but he really wanted to get Andrew alone in his office.

  “This won’t take a minute.”

  Rory and Andrew turned to look at the customer at the same time and Rory felt the blood drain from his face. “Now, friend. Don’t do anything hasty.”

  The robber wore a ski mask and was probably as tall as Andrew, and broader, he’d have been intimidating without the Glock. He swung the gun and aimed it at Andrew. “You, get on your face.” He motioned to the floor. “Do it. Now!”