The few times she’d gone to her ex-uncle’s church, she’d been struck by the disconnect between what he preached and what he’d done to her aunt. Even as a little girl, she could see there was no delight in his church. There were rules, and obedience that was rewarded by bigger cars and fancier houses. Her ex-uncle had planted that church himself, had decided to start a church and had attracted people, the kind who would ultimately forgive an adulterous affair because once he was married to her mother, that baby was clearly a sign of God’s favor.
Leonard’s texts made it clear that many of his parishioners had been at his church their whole lives. She remembered the peace on Mrs. Janine’s face after Leonard had prayed with her at the protest, thought again of how he brought a potentially divisive discussion to an irenic end. What if a church who chose a good man, and was led by a good man, would be a good church? Could the future really have room for more joy than she’d imagined in a very long time? (Assuming, of course, the current administration didn’t thrust the country into some sort of toxic dark hole.) Had she been the one withholding goodness from herself, not Jesus?
She’d never stopped feeling like Jesus had stolen something precious from her after she and Leonard had broken up. Maybe it was something Jesus was entitled to, but she didn’t have to like it.
“Ah, Jesus,” she prayed. “Was it my borrowed and inherited bitterness that stole it from me? Not you? Have I been holding on to the wrong things for years?”
Despite the pollen count, her windows were open. She felt a breeze gentle on her cheek. Sure it was a little smelly, like the sweat of a thousand hot tourists, but she took it as an answer. If God delighted in her the way she was, then she could be who she was no matter what. Even if not everyone liked it. Even, yes, if she married a pastor, right?
Completely shaken by that thought, she had to pull over and cry. After the tears were over, she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and released the breath. Right. She was gonna do it. She was going to love Reverend Leonard West.
CHAPTER 6
K im probably should've just called in sick for work. Leonard hadn't texted her at all, but it was the day of the prayer meeting.
She’d written down the scripture she was supposed to read on 3x5 cards, so she didn’t have to carry a Bible up to the podium and worry about finding her place. And then she’d written “My delight is in her” over and over until another card was completely filled up, front and back.
The meeting was going to be outside in a courtyard. The weather was fine but humid, so she wore a flowy sleeveless dress and sandals. Her hair was swept into a curly updo. And this was it. She was ready to go. She made sure the cards were in her purse and headed out the door.
When she got there, she found out that as a participant, she was in the front row. Members of her church group were standing around, a little sweaty, but all the folding chairs were out.
“Good job, guys,” she congratulated them. She snagged a program and checked out the order of the service. Her part was near the middle. She looked around for Leonard. She didn’t know if they’d be sitting together or not. He had a part in it too, including the welcome. She was walking towards the front to go ahead and sit in her seat when she heard him call her name.
“Kim!” He was rushing towards her, holding out his hands to her. She’d imagined a more discreet first meeting, to be honest.
“Hey, Leonard.”
“I’m sorry. I know. Here, let’s go this way.” He led her towards the space between two buildings that lined the green space. She pulled out her phone. “Len, it starts in like seven minutes!”
“I know. I know. I just had to see you and touch you. It’s been a long two weeks, Kim.”
“Yeah, but I think we both needed them. And I enjoyed your texts.”
She looked him over. His shirt fit a little differently. The shadows under his eyes weren’t just dark, they were full black. But the hands holding hers weren’t shaking, and his eyes were clear.
She, on the other hand, would call her feelings resolute, but certainly not as peaceful. He drew her fully into his arms and she rested her head on him, her forehead on his collarbone. She wasn’t expecting him to make a “pfffff” sound, but he did.
Then he apologized. “I’m sorry, your hair was tickling my nose! I ruined our nice moment.”
“Yeah, yeah, blame it on the hair.”
He squeezed her one last time and then said, “Okay, we’d better go sit down. I’ve got an important role to play.”
“Oh, you do? You’re more important than the inspired word of God?”
“Okay, we both have important functions. Also I don’t want everybody to see us coming out of this corner all shady looking.”
“It’s totally fine. You’re just helping a potential future parishioner.”
She could hear his sharply indrawn breath. That had helped. He was smiling widely as they stepped out of the side area.
They got their programs and took their seats. The seating was designated according to one’s spot on the program, so they were not seated together. Which, honestly, was probably good.
Leonard went up to the raised platform and the mobile podium. Kim found herself thinking she could get used to the clerical shirts. That contrast, not just the white collar with the black shirt, but the collar with his skin—it worked for her. All the more because she knew (or mostly knew, right now) the man behind the collar.
Leonard cleared his throat and began his welcome. “Fathers and mothers, aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers, and beloved children, I’m Leonard West, and I bring you greetings from Mt. Zion Presbyterian Church. Though I’m not the only alumnus of Howard University—” Some people in the crowd cheered. “—I’ve been asked to welcome you all to this prayer service.
“We live here, at the seat of government, and though we don’t have a vote in the halls of Congress, we have access to the Heavenly Father, the one in whose hands the king’s heart is like a river of water and he turns it whichever way he pleases. And so, we welcome all who acknowledge their concern about this country’s future, and their conviction that all our striving pointless, unless something—Someone—bigger and stronger than us, is also at work. And I’m going to open us up in prayer in just a minute. But I’m going to ask you to indulge me for just a few minutes, and speak right to my Mt. Zion Church members that are here tonight.”
He took a deep breath, and Kim could hear shouts of “go on!” and “speak” in the crowd behind her. She didn’t know how many of his church members had come.
He began again. “Beloved family of Mt. Zion, there is a very special lady here tonight. I’m not going to tell you who she is, just yet, but I want you to know that I hope, eventually, I can talk her into being your First Lady.”
Kim sat up absolutely straight. What was this dude doing? Was this a…proposal? To her or to his church? She still loved him, right? Her fingers interlocked and gripped each other in her lap as he continued.
“Now, church, I love you, but I love this woman more. I want you to know, if I am blessed enough that she agrees to be my wife, she is gonna be my wife, not your First Lady. You can't ask her about having kids. Her hairstyle is not your business. She's not here to play the organ or sing in the choir. Unless you pay her, she does not have to do a single thing she doesn't want to. If she decides to be with me, it’ll be because she loves me, despite it all, and I finally admitted I can't live without her. I can tell you, right now, that she is such an excellent woman, a Jesus-loving woman, our church will be blessed just by her presence in the pew. If you all can't accept these boundaries to protect her, then I'll tender my resignation as soon as possible.”
The gathered crowd, probably not expecting a veiled proposal-and/or-career burning, was silent for a moment before someone in the back started clapping. Kim couldn’t see any of it because she was on the first row. The sounds continued for some minutes, and she finally turned her head to look. Half the crowd was on their feet.
<
br /> The microphone picked up Leonard’s deep breaths, and his smile was nearly blinding. “Thank you. Thank you all. For those of you who don’t know, most of the people standing are members at Mt. Zion. So I guess I have a plain ol’ lady to woo. I mean, a beautiful lady. Thank you all. I’m going to stop tripping over my words, and put the focus back where it goes—our merciful Father. Saints, sinners, whoever you are, we’re here to acknowledge that we are not enough, and to ask the One who has gotten us through before, to keep us now. So let’s open this meeting with prayer. Let’s pray.”
Maybe most of the people at the meeting were able to focus on the meeting. Kim was just shaking with silent incredulous laughter as he prayed a very good introductory prayer. When he was done, he flashed her a quick wide-eyed, toothy grin. She shook her head back at him, but knew that her smile would cancel out any admonitory messages. I can’t believe he did that at the beginning of this thing, and I have to wait until the end to talk to him about it!
His seat was on her path to the podium, and she kicked at him on her way to read her scripture. But the beautiful cadences of the prophet Isaiah calmed her and when she got to what she’d started thinking of as her verse, she stopped and said, “Let me read this one verse again. ‘You shall no longer be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no longer be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is In Her, and your land, Married.’”
She was focused on her index cards, not the crowd, but she knew when the clapping started that it was Leonard. “Say that!” She finished reading the chapter and began the walk back her chair. Leonard reached out a hand to graze her arm as she walked past, and she winked at him, but she kept going to her chair. She’d probably tipped her hand, reading that verse twice, but she was not making a scene during a prayer service.
The meeting passed in a haze. More people prayed, the all faith crowd was fenced and introduced, the resource table was boosted, and finally, finally, a AME bishop—purple shirt!—gave the benediction.
It was over, then. Leonard started towards her. She noted inconsequentially that his hair was higher than when she’d first met him. Yes, she was avoiding looking at his eyes. She could command herself enough to receive that look, and not repulsively. Sometimes only Jane Austen had the right words. If Anne Elliot could do it, she could. She lifted her gaze to his face, her smile threatening to burst all her attempts to keep it tamped down.
“Doofus, you’re going to let everybody know it was me you were talking about!” But she had walked towards him already, her hands outstretched to take his.
“I can’t wait! I want them all to know. This brilliant, beautiful, good-hearted woman is willing to take a chance on me.”
“Yeah, well, you think anybody will notice if we sneak off?”
“Baby, they will all notice, but I don’t care.”
They ran to his car, laughing.
OF COURSE, somehow, they ended up not at a doughnut place, or the all-night diner. Leonard just drove to church. The church building. His church—the people had signaled their acceptance of his terms. Did he just blackmail his church? Oh, but to go to the building, all the more poignantly his because he’d accepted that he might lose it, the place he’d spent his time pouring out the love he’d told himself Kim had rejected, but now, here—this was the place to properly apportion his love—to God, to Kim, to the church body.
“Would you like to come inside? Or we can sit at that bench over there?”
She reached out and touched his face once, running her finger down the side of his cheek. “We can go in.”
He extended a hand to point her towards the side door that he used. “This way.”
He unlocked the door. He bounced up and down on the steps as he opened the door and gestured her in.
“Do you want to see my office first or the sanctuary? My office has more comfortable chairs but the sanctuary is prettier.”’
“Sanctuary.”
He reached out and flipped on a switch, flooding the hallway with light, the original wood paneling dark and gleaming on the walls, the carpet a rich green, and opened the double doors.
“Here we go—I mean, Kim. Come in! Welcome to Mt. Zion Presbyterian.”
Kim went to the back pew. He lingered to work the light panel by the door. He left most of the lights off, so the sanctuary stayed dim. The oak pews were illuminated by the streetlights shining through the stained glass. Kim went to the back pew and took a seat. Her hair was styled in twist outs and she took the one closest to her left ear and started to twirl it. It twisted and untwisted as he approached her from the aisle.
“You gonna sit down with me?” Her voice came out with small and hesitant, barely louder than a church whisper. He wasn’t ready to sit yet, not when his heart felt like it was gonna float out of his body.
“I’m still not sure that I’m not dreaming. I never thought I would see you at my church. Ever.” He paced a few steps, walking in and out of the thin gleams of color created by the street lights. But then he came and sat beside her. “Kim, I wish I could do some cool flirty bullshit but—you’re in my church. I just…I need a moment.” He bowed his head and covered his face in his hands. A jumbled litany went through his thoughts. Please Jesus. She’s here! Please Jesus. Don’t fuck this up. Please Jesus.
Kim finally pulled on his hand.
“Pastor, I was thinking I might be looking for a new church home.” She bent her head down and looked up at him through her lashes. “But I am especially interested in how potential congregations would treat their first lady. I’ve realized it can vary.” He was so thankful she know how to lead the conversation.
“Well, first off, they don’t have a first lady in this congregation and they want one, a lot. So I can tell you the pastor’s wife would be beloved.” He reached out and put his hand over hers. He pulled his hand away to put both his hands to his face. “Crap, I’m fucking this up.”
“Leonard! You can’t talk like that in church!” she hissed.
“I can if it’s my church. What are you gonna do, get me fired?” He took a deep breath and continued. “That’s actually—I mean, I said what I said at the prayer meeting—I don’t care what I do, but I want to do it with you. If you’d think about starting over with me. I don’t have to be a pastor of a church to do ministry. And I don’t want to be one if it means I have to live my life without you. Someone pointed out to me that I’ll end up a bitter drunk saint if I keep on this trajectory alone. Can we start again? Start somewhere?”
Her eyes got wide. “You—you are prepared to leave the ministry for me? Not just threaten your congregation, but really leave? But you barely know me right now.”
“I don’t care how many years it’s been. I know the core of you, and I love you. I know you’re the woman for me. Also—” His smile flashed out bright and clear in the dimness. “—Jamal is a good guy. I trust him that present day you is just as good as past you.”
“YOU TALKED TO JAMAL ABOUT ME?” She gave him a little shove.
“Honey, Jamal talked to me about you! He was really disappointed you ghosted on him. I had to counsel him. Over Popeyes.” He put his arm around her. “You don’t know how much I wanted to punch him in the face once I realized that he was talking about MY The Rock’s biggest fan.”
“PUleeze. You don’t even like The Rock.”
“I’m just saying, no one is that consistently cheerful should exist in real life! Can you imagine what he’d be like as a church member?”
She started to laugh at him. “You are such a pastor, dude. You think you can give it up?”
“Well, I’m willing to try. And I’m willing to compromise. I just want you around…I just need you around.”
“Okay, Lauryn. Well, as it happens, to go back to the start of our conversation—” She snuggled into him with an insinuating shoulder-hip combo that made the years fall away for him. “—I’ve come to think that maybe it’s a role I can work with, depending on the pastor and the congregation. It surely
can’t be worse than working under this current administration. Did you see the latest thing he did, Leonard? That fool is dismantling every progressive advance that has ever happened in our country. Not to mention antagonizing multiple nuclear powers. So I guess what I’m saying is I’d rather die with you than without you.”
“Thanks, I guess? For real, though, Kim, I mean, yeah. I do think the president may have helped me face some fears. I didn’t want to die in the nuclear holocaust cursing myself for never…um…knowing you.” His arm drew her even tighter against him. He could feel her breast brushing his chest.
She gave him a sidelong glance. “That’s a lovely biblical euphemism there, pastor, but do I assume that your previous convictions hold?”
“Yeah, yeah they do. And let me tell you, celibacy is a bitch. So I would like to woo you as quickly as possible. I mean, honestly, whenever you’re ready, say yes.”
“What? Are you crazy?” Her twists flared as she shook her head.
“No, I’m the sanest I’ve ever been. I’m the same dude you agreed to marry years ago, only this time I don’t have my head in my ass about my calling. And I know you are the same woman, only more, and better. Life is not promised, Kim, especially not right now. I want to live it with you. For however long God gives us.”
“Uh, you really think we can just jump back in where we left off?”
“Lord, I hope not there. I just…you’re it for me, Kim. Church or no church, government breakdown or not. And also, there’s this—”
He kissed her. At first it was just a light touch, his lower lip wide on hers, but she opened her lips and then her tongue found his, and it had been years since a serious kiss like this, but they knew each other, and they knew their mouths and the paths their tongues traced—and they knew how to stop.
Rogue Desire: A Romance Anthology (The Rogue Series) Page 30