“Oh right, so that’s what it’s all about. You’re jealous.” Which was pretty much what Hunter had told her yesterday.
Vin let out a breath. “Yeah. Yeah, what the hell, I’m jealous. And I hate that you’re leaving soon and he’s the one getting all your attention. I hate that you care so much about him, when all he wants is a bloody screw.”
Ellie’s throat constricted. “Vin, you’re my brother. I love you. I know what you did for me. I know it was hard. Believe me, I know.”
But he just shook his head. “No, Ellie. No, you don’t have the first fucking clue.”
A part of her longed to go round the desk, put her arms around him, give him a hug. Make him feel better. Help him in any way she could. But that’s what she’d been doing all her life. Making others feel better.
Today—hell, for the rest of her freaking life—it was going to be about her.
She straightened. “I’m sorry about that. I truly am. But I can’t do anything about the past. And I’m not going to apologise for loving Hunter. What I want is for you to stop hurting him because of me.”
Vin’s blue eyes glittered. “So everything I told you yesterday, about his stepmother, that made no difference to you?”
“No. You only said it because you were being a prick. Because you wanted to hurt him. You know damn well that what went on with his stepmother has got nothing whatsoever to do with what’s between him and me.”
A streak of red stained his high, carved cheekbones. But at least he had the grace not to look away. “So you’re in love with him then?”
“Of course I am. I’ve been in love with him for years.” Vin opened his mouth but Ellie held up her hand, stopping him. “And yes, before you say anything else, I know he doesn’t love me back. But I can handle that.” Not really. “What I can’t handle is you punishing him for something that was never his fault.”
“Oh bullshit. He could have said no to you.”
“I made it rather difficult for him to do that.”
A tense silence fell.
Vin pulled at his tie as if the thing was suffocating him. “So what do you want me to do? I’m not bloody apologising so you can forget that right now.”
“I want you to make it right between you two, Vin. I don’t care how you do it but you have to. And if you can’t do it before I go, then after. Can you promise me that?”
He let out an audible breath but said nothing. The stubborn prick.
“If you don’t say the words, you can’t say goodbye to me at the airport.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would.” And she let him see the steel.
“Fuck,” Vin muttered. “All right, fine. I’ll make it right. I promise.”
A small knot of tension uncoiled inside her heart. Okay, so Hunter may not want her, but that didn’t mean he had to lose Vin as well.
“I want you to mean it too.”
“Jesus, Ellie.”
“He doesn’t have anyone else, Vin. And he needs someone, okay? Don’t ruin your friendship over something petty like jealousy.”
For a long minute her brother didn’t say anything. Then his blue gaze met hers. “I hate that he hurt you.”
“I know. But I went into it with my eyes wide open. I knew exactly what I was doing.” And she had. Kind of. “I don’t regret it.”
Vin sighed. “Ellie…I’m sorry.” He didn’t add to it but she knew what he meant. About everything.
“It’s okay,” she said and she didn’t qualify that either. Because that too meant everything was okay.
Just about everything.
Hunter wasn’t able to sleep after Ellie left. Eventually, around five in the morning, he got up and went down into the garage, hoping working on the Norton would help. But he couldn’t seem to concentrate on that either.
He felt hollowed out, cold. Alone in a way he hadn’t felt since his father had kicked him out of the house.
All he kept seeing was Ellie looking at him with such anguish in her eyes.
You’ll never love me, will you? You don’t even know what it means…
He thought he did. Because he’d been in love with Liz, hadn’t he? Why else had he kept returning to her? Why else had he kept doing what he knew was wrong? It had to be love. It had to be.
But then Ellie had told him she was in love with him. Just said it aloud, without shame. Without any embarrassment or any guilt, at least not that he could see. And he knew that somehow, in some way, her love was different. Though the pain that went along with it, that wasn’t. That was exactly the same.
With a start he realised he’d been staring at the bike for a good five minutes without doing a single bloody thing. Cursing, he dumped the socket wrench he’d been holding and left the garage, restless and aching.
Aching for something he didn’t understand.
He went into the house, into the kitchen. Began making himself a coffee. His chest hurt and every so often he thought he heard someone moving around and had to stop to listen, just to check he was alone in the house. And every time he heard silence he felt bitterly disappointed.
You miss her.
Hunter stared into the polished metal of the jug. Yeah, well, of course he missed her. She’d always been around after all and now she wasn’t here. Missing her was natural, wasn’t it?
You let her leave.
He rested his hip against the kitchen counter. Folded his arms over the hollow feeling in his chest. Yes, he’d let her leave. Oh, he hadn’t wanted her to go, wanted to keep her here, in his bed, until the time came for her to fly out to Japan. But she’d been so strong in the end. Unyielding. And after she’d told him what she wanted, offering her what little he had to give had seemed paltry. She’d never have accepted it anyway.
I’m worth more than that…
Of course she was. She was worth more than anything he could give her.
The jug flicked off. He began making the coffee, rote movements, barely paying attention to what he was doing. The alarm on his phone went off, a reminder that he needed to leave for work, but of course, he didn’t have work to go to today.
A weird emptiness opened up inside him, and he found himself catching his breath. Work had always been an escape, something for his brain to concentrate on. He’d never really asked himself why that was. Probably because deep inside, he knew the answer.
A way of putting distance between himself and what had happened to him all those years ago.
Say it, prick. Ellie could. So should you.
Okay, his abuse. It was a way of distancing himself from his abuse. Hunter closed his eyes, the acknowledgment settling down into his soul.
Yeah, he’d been abused. And it hurt and it made him so fucking angry, but that was the truth of it.
Restlessly he moved, old urges coming to the fore. Wanting to put a hand to the hot metal of the jug. Feel the burn. Feel the pain. Feel it cancel out the memories.
But the only memories that came were of Ellie. Of her arms around him, her voice in his ear, telling him it was okay. Her hands on his back, stroking gently. And he wanted the reality of her so badly his chest hurt. But she was gone. She’d walked out of his life and soon she’d be thousands of miles away.
The ache seemed to spread through his chest, a grinding pain.
He took a breath. Then another. But the pain didn’t go away and for the first time in his life, he didn’t welcome it. Didn’t want it.
“Fuck.” He pushed the coffee away violently, brown liquid spilling everywhere.
He didn’t have work and he couldn’t concentrate on his bike. He couldn’t call Vin and get him to come over for a few beers either.
He had nothing.
He didn’t want nothing.
What he wanted was Ellie. But she wanted love. She wanted forever. And how could he give her those things when he didn’t even know what they meant?
Hardly conscious of what he was doing, he pushed himself away from the bench. Went back outside, down into
the garage. Grabbed his helmet from off the back of the Ducati. Got on.
You don’t even know what love means.
Perhaps it was time to find out.
Half an hour later, he pulled up outside his father’s house and for the first time in years he was glad to see Philip’s Audi wasn’t in the driveway. When he knocked on the door, the old unease pulled tight inside him and he couldn’t seem to remember why he was even here. What the hell he was trying to prove.
But then the door opened and Liz was standing on the doorstep, his opportunity for escape gone. She smiled as she saw him. “Hunter,” she said in her sensual voice. “What a surprise. How nice to see you. Why don’t you come in? Your father isn’t at home.”
Hunter stared at her. She was perfectly groomed, as always, her blonde hair in a perfect cap. Makeup immaculate. A slinky dress that showcased her perfect figure. Beautiful. Stunning.
He’d wanted her so much once. Had loved her. Would have done anything for her. And he’d hated her in equal measure.
But now he felt…nothing.
Liz raised an eyebrow at his silence. “Well, don’t just stand there, darling. Come in.”
“I’m not coming in,” he said at last, finding his voice. “I came by to tell you that I’ve finally accepted what you did to me. I’ve finally accepted the truth.”
A wary look flickered through her blue eyes. “What truth?”
“That you abused me.”
Shock crossed her face. “I what? Don’t be ridiculous. I never did—”
“You manipulated me. You lied to me. You did things to me I didn’t want. You abused me.”
Liz paled. But her red mouth still curved in a smile. “Abuse? Don’t be silly, darling. That’s not what happened at all and you know it. You wanted it just as much as I did. Haven’t you forgotten?”
“No. I haven’t forgotten. Just like I haven’t forgotten how I told you no. Or how you didn’t listen.”
She gave a funny, high, shrill little laugh. “It almost sounds like I forced you, Hunter. And we both know I didn’t do that. Oh no, you kept coming back for more.”
Once that would have made him crawl with inexplicable shame. But now he felt…Christ, he almost felt sorry for her. “Because I was sixteen, Liz. Because I was a kid who’d been manipulated into thinking he was in love. By a sad, desperate, thirty-eight-year-old woman.”
Fear flickered over her face. Then it was gone, replaced by contempt. “I wasn’t desperate, sweetheart. You were the one who was desperate.”
All the anger and shame had fallen away from him now. He could see the lines around her eyes, the powder that had settled into them. The age spots on her hands. The mascara that had started to flake away from her eyelashes. A stain of lipstick on her teeth.
She looked sad. And old. And frightened. Clinging to her youth any way she could.
“You were lonely,” he said softly. “Weren’t you?”
The contempt had vanished from her eyes, revealing her desperation. She took a little step forward. “You understand then? Your father never paid me much attention and you were so handsome.” She put her hand on his arm. Just lightly. “The way you looked at me made me feel beautiful.”
A part of him felt sorry for her. For her loneliness. But it was only a small part. Because there was no excuse for what she’d done to him. None at all.
“Loneliness doesn’t excuse your behaviour. If you’d wanted a lover, you should have found one your own age,” he said. “An adult. Not a child.”
Her fingers stroked him, a sensual movement. “Oh come on,” she murmured. “You weren’t a child. You were a man. You got hard, Hunter. I was there, remember?”
“Just because I was hard doesn’t mean I consented.” Because he knew the difference now. Ellie had shown him.
“Don’t be ridiculous. You wanted—”
“No,” he said interrupted forcefully. “I didn’t want what you did to me. I didn’t want your touches. I didn’t want your kisses. I didn’t want them then and I don’t want them now. I never wanted them. Understand? Never, ever. Now take your filthy hand off my arm.”
For a second the polished, beautiful mask slipped, her expression twisted with anger and fear. “So is that why you’re here, sweetheart?” she spat, her fingers dropping away. “To say your affecting little piece? Your little confession?”
He almost smiled. “Actually there’s just one other thing.”
“Oh?”
“Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.”
She laughed. Brittle. Sharp. “Is that it?”
Yeah, that was it. He smiled at her, then he turned around and went back down the garden path.
“Hunter.” Her voice was like cut glass. “Hunter, stop.”
But he didn’t.
Because he’d gotten what he’d come for. He did know what love was. And it wasn’t anything to do with the angry, bitter, lonely woman calling his name. Or the shame or the guilt or the dirty endless desire.
Love was what he’d come home to whenever he opened Ellie’s door. Love had been what he’d seen in her face whenever she looked at him. Had been the warmth in his heart whenever he’d held her in his arms.
That was love. And it made what he’d felt for Liz seem a shadow. A facsimile. The faintest, most blurred of copies.
No wonder he felt nothing when he looked at Liz. His heart wasn’t here.
Ellie had taken it with her when she left.
Chapter Fourteen
Ellie hated goodbyes. The check-in process had been great in that it had completely taken her mind off the fact that in fifteen minutes she was going to have to walk through the gates and leave behind the life she’d once had. Leave Vin. And Kara.
And Hunter.
But no, if she started thinking about Hunter she would break. She would grab the nearest cab and go straight to his house and fling herself into his arms and tell him she’d stay. She’d give up everything for whatever he wanted to give her.
And that was something she couldn’t do no matter how much she wanted to.
She had her pride. And she had strength. A job she wanted to take. A life she needed to find. And okay, if he didn’t love her, she would cope. She wouldn’t break.
Vin stood near the departures area with his hands in the pockets of his jeans as she finished with the check-in and came for the final goodbye. The look on his face was grim, his jaw way too tight. Kara had come out of the shop she’d been browsing in as soon as Ellie appeared, grinning away. And given the grin it might have looked as if she was excited and pleased to see her off if not for the fact that her mascara had started to run.
“Don’t cry,” Ellie said to her thickly. “Don’t you dare freaking cry.”
“Are you kidding? I never cry.” Kara stepped up and wrapped her arms around her in a monster hug. “Go get ‘em, babe. You’re going to bring Tokyo to its freaking knees.”
Ellie choked back the tears, squeezing her friend tight. “You have to come visit, okay? Promise me?”
“Hey, just try keeping me away. I’m going to need an excuse for a manga field trip in a week or two, I just know it.” She released Ellie, taking a few steps back, one hand swiping under her glasses and getting melting mascara everywhere.
Ellie swallowed hard then turned to her brother. “You remember what you promised me?”
The expression on Vin’s face was taut with emotion. “Yeah,” he said in a rough-sounding voice. “I remember.”
“Good. Now gimme a hug.”
Her brother swept her up into an embrace that nearly cracked her in two. Ellie squeezed back. Hard as she could. “I’ll be okay, Vin,” she whispered in his ear. “I really will.”
Vin released her finally, looking down at her as he stepped back. “I know,” he said. “You’ve always been okay, haven’t you?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Thanks to you.”
He blinked at that and looked away. “Go on, get on that bloody plane.”
Yeah
, she’d better, otherwise she was going to be a complete mess.
Bending, she picked up the backpack and jacket she was going to take with her. And as she did so, she couldn’t help looking toward the airport entrance, searching for the one person she knew wouldn’t be there and yet quite desperately wanted to be.
He hadn’t rung her. Hadn’t contacted her. Not even a text. And she couldn’t pretend that hadn’t hurt. Couldn’t pretend she hadn’t cried her eyes out in the ladies’ loo of the pub they’d all gone out to for farewell drinks the night before.
But maybe that was all for the best. A clean break and shit like that.
“Well,” she said with a jauntiness she didn’t feel. “I guess this is goodbye, guys.”
“Ring me when you get to Tokyo,” Vin said gruffly.
“And I want pics of you in the Harajuku district,” Kara added.
Ellie’s ability to speak had vanished. She just nodded. Smiled.
Then turned and went through the gates without looking back.
Hunter watched her leave from the safety of an airport shop. He’d wanted her to have this goodbye with Vin and Kara without him there distracting her. Though it was hard to see her choke back her tears. Hard to see her lift her chin, smile and walk away from her friend and brother, knowing how she must be hurting.
She had so much strength. So much determination. It made him doubt what he was doing a little because he was taking a risk here. A very big risk. But then he knew that’s what he had to do. Love was about risk, wasn’t it? And if he couldn’t take a risk for her, then he had no business being here in the first place.
Still, he hadn’t been unhappy to see her cast a surreptitious look toward the entrance as if looking for someone. Him, hopefully.
Across the departure hall, he saw Kara give Vin an odd, strangely loaded glance. Then she turned and walked away, Vin watching her, an impenetrable look on his face. Something was clearly going on there, but right now, he didn’t have the time to figure out what it was.
Taking Him (Lies We Tell) Page 19